Breathing Phoenix

When you left,
everyone expected me to break.
Me and my big old heart,
what could be left, once she's gotten up?
No one ever uttered those words aloud
but I hear them in the quieted tones and the
muttered glances like amplified whispers.

Sure, I've learned a thing or two about pain
this time around with a broken heart..
I lost a lover and my friend, who remains
inside me, despite her departure.
I've encountered a darkness I had never seen when
I lost the life I shared with you.

But I've learned a thing or two about me as well,
about what is inside me, beyond what you can tell
beyond what others see, or can even hear
underneath my heartbeat, underneath my chest.
Outside of my bleeding heart, yet holding it close.
It pushes me to stand, when my heart wants to rest.
It gets me out of bed, when I want to shut the world out.
It gives me back my smile, when I struggle with my fears.
It encourages me to do my best, when I feel beaten down.
It gives me comfort when I need it the most,
and it understands when my anger roasts me.
It picks me up when I've lost my ground, and
and gives me faith far beyond what is "sound."
It's the fire that feeds me when my body runs cold,
and it's the mist that cools me when my passion burns.

It's the reason I stand, and permits me to stand down.
It fuels me when I lose my will, and shows me how to stop when I've had my fill.
It's the reason I'm alive; despite what I do, how much I get hurt
or how much I miss you.
It's stronger than my intuition and even my heart
the spirit inside me will never die.

Sometimes you just need a little affirmation....

There are weeks where I feel as if I'm getting taken on a bruise cruise with Mother Nature. One minute I'm basking in the sun, smiling and beaming with the warmth and enrichment of a beautiful day. The next moment I could be hit by a linebacker gust of wind and blown right off my feet. Next minute I get poured on, but I look up and pray that the water will wash all my stress, pain, and frustration away. The next, it's freezing and it's hard to go outside for my daily walk. The next, there's no wind at all- and it's a perfect balance between warmth and chill- where its warm enough that I won't need a jacket, but cool enough so I won't break a sweat. There are those days when the weather seems to take a day off... and I can just sit outside and have no interference at all, and just be able to find my own air current and disappear into my own imagination .. away from the daily rumblings of work, matters of the heart and mind... etc etc. Now, you might say that this is just because I live in New England... :) which is true..but when it is synonymous with my internal world and the constant change... is that really a factor of my environment on the outside?

If I hadn't dealt with the stress that I've been dealing with lately- I'd probably say yes. The environment and nature play a HUGE role in the changing of seasons inside ourselves. However, sometimes it seems my moods are a precursor, or just a parallel theme to the weather around me. I want to be outside, inside, up in my head, in the sun, in my bed... wherever I choose to be, and find that peaceful day again. That peace is within me I just have to direct my energy towards finding it. So much of my happiness depends on my connection with inner peace and balance. Sometimes I need to remind myself what to focus on. It's not all about perspective, but we all can use a little encouragement sometimes. I have what I need, all within myself... to survive, to be happy, and to live a good life. We all do, it can be a scary task, and it can feel very lonely. Life often is. Sometimes I forget how strong I am.

Just a little recommendation for reading, if you are looking for that balance within yourself, these have brought me so much peace. OK, two recommendations: Tao Te Ching, and the Celestine Prophecy.


NOTE: For those interested there is a hardcover version of Tao Te Ching, which is the version I own myself. It is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous and I recommend at least looking at it at a bookstore even if you choose to purchase the paperback instead. The illustrations are amazing and really give you a whole different view inside the peaceful verses and imagery. :) Enjoy! (see link below)
Tao Te Ching (HARDCOVER VERSION)

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Just bought a great album, if you are a fan of Dixie Chicks you'll definitely want to check the Court Yard Hounds out. Even if you aren't, I am a huge fan of singing harmonies and to hear these two, it's just gorgeous. I think it's great that they are sisters as well, it gives them a chemistry that you can't really replicate. The album deals with a lot of issues around loss and coping, and that is always something that catches my attention. I'm fascinated by the way people cope with challenges in their lives, as well as how they navigate through struggles towards being happy.

Certain music tends to come into my life at certain times. I'm not always a believer that everything happens for a reason, there are some things in life that reason just can't touch. But I do think that happens for a reason. Music inspires almost everything that I do, artistically speaking. 99% of my poetry is rhythmically based, inspired and/or infused... and a lot of what I listen to helps me interpret what's inside of my heart and mind that I can't seem to or don't want to vocalize. A lot of musicians will say that they make music to connect to others, and not only to express themselves. I feel I write the same way, first; to connect to myself, and second to connect to others who've lived through some of the same things. I've got a very, very big heart- and love with the best of them. I've got a never resting head, that's always thinking, processing, reasoning, imagining, and both of these parts of me can be exhausting at times. I'm an outgoing person, and very honest- sometimes to a fault. Most people who know me, know that I love to express myself and love a good long conversation. But what most don't understand is just how much I hold inside, and not always by choice. There are days where I just feel like I speak a different language, and that there isn't someone who truly understands me. This is where the writing comes from, and often times music helps me locate myself, and a new path inside the places in myself it is hard to visit. I encourage you all to do the same, find the things that bring out and encourage your expression.

"I am tired, Beloved,
of chafing my heart against
the want of you;
of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it."
~Amy Lowell, "The Letter"

Have any expressions or ideas to share? Please feel free to submit poems or other forms of art! My email address is on my profile.

You can't ever truly grieve unless you've ever truly loved.

This must be why they call heartbreak warfare.
When you come home wounded and spent, you have to
stand up and face your darkness, and still have enough left inside
to win.

I'm standing in the face of the dark
and I feel so alone, so lost, so unsure.
Has my heart failed me?
Have I failed my heart?

Someone asked me "how are you today?" and just the
question, made me cry. Thinking, "I'm struggling."
And then feeling even worse inside.
As the tears were streaming down my face
my head started steaming and the tears turned to rage
I pounded my fists, again and again
crying and yelling, until my hands ached.
Then I sat there wondering why I got so mad
Was it that I was still crying? Was it that
it hurts too much? I'm not sure why I'm angry.
But it's eating me inside.

My emotions are like the ocean shore, with
a heavy undertow. Sometimes if I stand too close,
they'll pull me right under the blanket of waves...
and wash over me everytime I come up for air.
If I look away for a second, or stay a bit too long
the water overwhelms me, and I'm finding it hard to swim.

I don't know what hurts worse.. to find true love then lose it,
or discover the one you love, doesn't love you the way you love them.

I'm not sure what is hurting me the most
I'm not sure what is keeping me up at night.
I'm not sure why, not an hour goes by without my thinking of her.
Yet I shouldn't be surprised, since the day I met her,
I've never stopped thinking of her. She's changed my life.

Now, in a split second... the source of all of this great change
within me and around me. The one I wanted to share a future with,
the one I shared my heart with, the one that I shared my life with...

is gone.. in the blink of an eye, my love, is gone. I love a pocket of emptiness where she used to reside, here by my side. She is no longer.

How quickly things do change....don't blink, because it's gone.

I want you to be happy, even if it’s not with me.
I think the world of your heart, your soul and mind
I’ll never wish you harm, or ever regret how much I tried
But you should know, you’ll never find a stronger, truer love
Than what you felt from me.
I know that your world isn't coming together
in the fashion that you wish it would
but I have faith you'll find the pieces
and put them in their rightful place.
Don't lose sense of your heart, beneath your mind

con mi futuro a mis pies, todavía mi corazón está vacío sin ti

Together We

Together We
evict our sorrows
together we
arrange for them to meet
together we
log all our burning questions
together we
create a little haven of peace.

Together We
confront our demons
together we
invite them to speak
together we
share our deepest secrets
together we
decide when to put them to sleep.

Together We
yield a key
together we
decide to let each other in
together we
honor what defines us
together we
celebrate from within.

Together We
embrace our differences
together we
propel upon our love
together we
inspire dreams flight
together we
give faith a place to land.

Faith

6/18,7/6/09,1/14/10

Sometimes when I close my eyes
I can hear a distant hum
and all my thoughts begin to slow down
and I long to find out where its coming from.

A familiar place, my relative sound
a reminder I can smell and taste.
All wrapped up in this shadowed hum
as my thoughts become people walking outside of me
as faint as their voices, I'm listening to me.
But yet this dissonance comes from far away
from nothing I've seen or experienced to date
the source of the rumbling is foreign to me
yet memories surround me, swept up in its wake.

(to be continued...)

(a meditation on the message and mystery of our memories and dreams... after reading Celestine Prophecy and the Tenth Insight)

Just One Step Away

12/8/09, 1/5&7/10

Baby won't you sing my song
can you walk my way
and lay your body next to mine.

Life doesn't want me to rest
she tosses waves at my shore
blows indecision in my ears
and sends doubts through the rain.

But I can't rearrange the way
the blood runs through my veins
any more than the way the wind blows my hair
and the water rinses me clean.

just as quickly as the waves hit my chest
the sand and the stones wash out with the tide
I can stay and pick through the seashells and weeds
and look out to sea for the beckoning sails

at times I just stand and look at my toes
and watch as the ground is sifting in rows
earth is moving beneath me, nothing is still
i feel my heart beating inside me, forcing its will.

Baby, won't you walk my way
lay your body next to mine
let's erase the time.

when the night falls on the coast
the air reeks of memories, jasmine and brine
the energy is lifted, beneath every breath
leaves one of your thoughts gifted, to stay with the dunes.

A Christmas Submission from Marta Sanchez

I met a friend of mine while speaking to a community near and dear to me about my experience being raped and my healing process... getting up and speaking certainly being a fundemental step for me. She was the keynote speaker, incredibly eloquent and a wonderful, gentle spirit. Very talented artist and writer, and I believe her experience is very important to hear. Her energy and strength is phenomenal and extremely inspirational. I wanted to share this, her gift, with you.

Panamanian artist Marta L. Sanchez dynamically addresses sexual violence through personal storytelling, visual art, and spoken word. To learn more visit: www.poetryandart.org

"The Day I Was Raped"

I’m usually a little reluctant to say it, but I dread Christmas. It’s approach fills me with anxiety, the nativity scenes make me uneasy, the department store music makes me want to run out of the door and/or break something, and the smell of pine trees is enough of a trigger to make me wary of the Christmas tree sale lots.

I have been trying to avoid Christmas for the last 15 years.

Ever since I was raped on Christmas Eve, on my way to church, in a town called Paraiso (meaning Paradise, or Heaven in Spanish.) Somewhere in the middle of it all, I decided that God doesn’t exist, and that if he does I don’t really care for his sense of humor.

My anger towards God did not have real staying power, but rape definitely had a drastic long-term effect on my spirituality. It changed the way I see life. It especially changed the way I look at Christmas.

With just a glance at the pictures taken the Christmas after I was raped, I can see the lie in my smile, and clearly recall what I was feeling: isolation, sadness, shock, depression, fatigue, and heartbreak. I was heartbroken to experience such a devastating way to have my trust betrayed.

And each year since, as I try to be upbeat, and go with the flow so as not to ruin the season for those around me, these feelings have flowed back, intensified and triggered by all the visual and auditory cues my body associated with that event.

Except, this year has been different… startlingly, refreshingly different. The lights actually look pretty. The Christmas trees smell familiar but are a safe distance away. The music makes me dance a little. Well some of it.

I am not sure what changed, but as we approach the anniversary of my rape, I am relieved to discover that rather than deepening anxiety, I am feeling deepening hope and gratitude.
I am grateful for Cleveland, and our growing Super Star. I am excited to be in a new town, and yet living smack in the center of a community of close friends and family. I am thrilled to be doing work that I am proud of, work that I love. And most of all, I am honored by the gentle souls in my life, the inspiration they bring just by being themselves.

So this year, rather than hiding out, or cringing through some holiday celebration I feel obligated to attend, I’m going to celebrate.

I plan to celebrate being alive, and resilient, and unafraid to trust the magical people in my life.
_________________________________________________________

I know I am not the only survivor (or person in general) that has a difficult time during the holidays. For many survivors, especially those who experienced violence near the holidays or within their homes/family, Christmas is a trigger.
If you feel yourself getting down or feeling isolated, consider reaching out to someone you trust. If you can’t think of anyone or would feel safer speaking to someone confidentially consider calling a crisis line:

The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network: 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeine: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Linea Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio en Español: 1-888-628-9454

If you are looking for ways to celebrate your rape anniversary (or some other tough day) here are some of my suggestions (feel free to share some of yours).
1. Take yourself out to dinner at your favorite restaurant. 2. Have a comedy marathon (watch all your favorite comedies back to back). 3. Chocolate! 4. Exercise (salsa dancing, biking, yoga, whatever works for you). 5. Listen to music you love. 6. Read a great book. 7. Journal. 8. Volunteer. 9. Write thank you notes to the people you love. 10. Have a silly Photo Booth session with someone you love.

To Be Grateful, Is To Be Free

If I've learned anything at all...
the minute you stop being grateful, is when you're giving up your freedom.
It's alright to be mad at the world sometimes.
Hell, it makes a whole lot of sense to ask, why? Why me?
No one deserves to be hurt, assaulted, or have to deal with loss.
But that's life. I'm not talking about religion, I'm not trying
to prove or disprove fate, or destiny or anything like that.

I'm not saying anything profound here, I also realize. I'm sure anyone who's reading this has heard the saying "life isn't fair" a thousand times in their lives. I have too, and it pisses me off. Admittedly.

BUT, I've learned from my loss. I'm human though, and I continue to make mistakes. One of them, most recently is thinking I have the right to take a break from being grateful. I've experienced a great loss in my life, as many other people do. It taxes my heart, my mind and my soul in a way that I don't always know how to deal with. But for some reason I got a little reality check today. I got it, in the way that many of these checks are delivered; through my loved ones.

Truth be told it is my choice to be grateful, or not to be. Truth also, is that I am a survivor. Truth also, I am a person who's seen a lot in just over a quarter of a century. I'm also a person with a lot to learn, and hopefully a long life with which to do so ahead of me. But sometimes things get cloudy for me. My life has not been simple lately, I don't always feel I have the resources that I need in order to live comfortably. But who does?? I wake up every morning and there's a lot that I don't have. BUT, there's even more... MUCH more that I do have. I'm surrounded by a wealth of good health, an education, friends, clothes on my back, a family and partner who loves me... and a good head on my shoulders. Amongst many other things. I look around and I see countless others who are less fortunate than me, countless others that have thousands of challenges that I have never known... but they still have to face everyday. They still have to wake up in the morning and decide to keep living. There are even more people that I don't see, but I remember them... and I even feel like I know some of them. In some spiritual way, there are those I'm connected to without even knowing it, because of shared experiences. Sometimes it's just surviving, sometimes its joyful, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it's enraging- just to live. But it is a gift. It truly is. Whether you are one to be thankful to god, or Buddha, or the earth, or just your mother and father or whoever you consider your maker... life is a gift.

I'm not just a survivor because of the trauma I have lived through. I'm a survivor because I have chosen to fight and work as hard as I have to- to be happy and live life in the way I know is right. I don't owe it to anyone, or even really to myself. Being happy isn't something that happens or doesn't happen to you- I believe being happy is a choice of action. One that doesn't always pay immediate dividends, but just as others have faith in whatever they believe in... I have faith in myself. I believe in the love I have for those around me, and in the love I work hard to maintain and grow for myself. I will survive because of the energy I decide to devote to being grateful for living, and the blessings that it carries. I decide not to be a victim of circumstance, or of the horrors I've seen. Horrible things happen to people every single moment, and while I do my best to protect myself and those I love... I can't prevent them all. I welcome the hardships with the joy, the defeat with the triumph. If I didn't have both I wouldn't be alive.

Never Leave Lonely Alone

Never leave lonely alone
Especially in those moments
a lifetime of love, slices clean like butter
and pieces of my heart slide down my chest
and burn into my stomach.

I had a habit of looking away
I used the distance as my excuse.
Now all I can do, to even think of you...
is turn inside of myself and realize you are gone.

I'm the last person in the world to stop looking
when there's even the smallest bit of light.
But I'm looking through the hourglass darkly
because the hurt is too much to fight.

...to be continued...

Disillusioned

Suppose it all turns out that the way of the world
is the only way we really know.
Yet we always seem to find ourselves on
deserted islands where we don't speak the native tongue.
We can't always be thinking of survival when this
here chance for enlightenment could be the only one.

With our noses pushed down on the grindstone,
how can we ever find the sun?
When we're always stuck on 'eliminate mistakes'
we seem to forget to learn.
The moon and stars that have guided us home
end up becoming our scars.

Happiest Days, Heaviest Sorrow

(8/31-9/2-3)

We listen too hard and speak too late
We wonder too long and squander what's on the plate.
Some of us laugh in the darkest hours
Even as dreams roll down their face
when you close your eyes, does the world disappear?

As I sit here waiting,
your face is all that I can see
as you are lowered into the cold ground
my body is overtaken by shivers.
I can feel you looking at me
smiles and laughter we shared just yesterday.
I can't believe, all I can do is watch
as you're swiftly taken away from me.

I still can't let you go
I still can't understand
why I'm still left here wondering
how I can live without you loving me.
I still can't comprehend why
I'm asking myself these questions
when the words just don't make sense.
'Round and round, thoughts keep spinning in my head
I feel like I'm reciting a storybook
but the words won't fit in my mouth
and the pictures are making me sick.
I try to spit them out but when I can't look at you
I am finding out that I just can't breathe.

I'm sitting alone inside of myself,
in the place you used to visit.
Like a child in a new city who's never left home;
there's no seat or perch, no park or place
that can make her feel like she's ever really safe.
Alone in this empty place that only I know.
Alone inside of myself, moving in the hidden ways
I've lost my will to see the living, breathing, aching
heart that is working it's will inside of me.

I can wake up every morning
with a smile on my face
but I can't look inside of myself
and pull out what is gone.
No matter what anyone says
I can't heal what I've lost.
I can only keep living.
I have two choices, to die
or to suffer in good faith
and keep living.
Death is when the end of me arrives,
so that leaves me only one;
to struggle my way through and
keep moving- even when I'm tired.
Keep moving when I'm hurting
and all I can do is cry.

I can swallow this pill, I can open my eyes
but I can't force my mind to move
all I can do is stand up and try.
Night after night, I dream of you
night after night, remembering you.
Day after day, I wake up and cry
day after day, I still get up and try.
Long after the obituary, and all the goodbye's
after all the feasts and family have gone;
I still walk with this aching
gaping hole inside of me.
I spend hours searching for what I can
fill it with, that will even echo
the spirit of what has gone.

Sometimes it seems my soul never sleeps
so how can I lay you to rest?
How can I ever truly say goodbye
when I can't seem to find enough
ground beneath my feet, enough will
inside, where my love for you
can start to confide in me.


(This meditation on greiving for lost loved ones and personal death/trauma, and the similarities/differences between both--tnx in part to the influence lyrics of B. Harper & J. Spooner have on me as well as conversations with those close to me)

Heal Yourself

Previously titled "Never Leave Lonely Alone"

"Unspoken rules of solitude wound without a trace, a lifetime of tears roll down your face. All that we can't say is all we need to hear. When you close your eyes does the world disappear? There's something in everyone, only they know- never leave lonely alone... It moves in the hidden ways of joy and sorrow, never leave lonely alone." - Ben Harper

There's so many words that I'm sure I could say- yet so many walls still get in my way. I've had so many times in the last two years that I've grown, healed and loved so much more than I could have before. I have a second chance at life it seems, and now I'm living like I want to- living in a way I believe in. I believe in myself and I believe in my ability to not only survive in this life- but to thrive.

I've had so many people in my life to support and encourage me, and stand by me when I really needed them. I've also had a lot of people disappear or walk out of my life. For those who have been there for me, whether you are still here or not; thank you. For all of your energy and thoughts you offered me, you are so very appreciated- and I will NEVER forget you, EVER. In these moments I am meditating on those who have loved and cared about me, and today I'm opening those stores of calming affection and support that they've so generously given me- to bolster my own. Today I'm walking with my stores of hurt, too. I'm walking with memories of a horrible, traumatic event in my life two years ago from today. Today I'm walking with what feels like a cinder block in my chest- but I know I just have to breathe because this is temporary. This day will be over soon and tomorrow I can look back and know I'm still okay. Today I'm walking with fear that still lives deep within my bones, even though I know there's nothing to be afraid of inside of me. Today I live with what sends shivers from my neck to the tips of my fingers- even though I know I'm strong enough to stand up through all of what may or may not come into my awareness. I know that this anxiety I feel, right now- will only live in my body for a short time. I just have to keep moving forward. I was reading a bit about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) recently and it was quite amazing how much it seemed like a road map of my last two years. Some of the things it summarized/mentioned happened early on but have since subsided. Many things still occur, and others have never happened to me and likely never will. Regardless, reading about it recently was a reminder--of it .. being okay that trauma still impacts me in several ways. It talks about the experience "...For a survivor to be told that what happened to them wasn't that bad, or...it was time that they were over it...reinforces the mistrust of everyone and (many) survivors (who) no longer can believe that the universe is fair or just." To me, I'm not sure I ever believed the universe was just- but I certainly know now more than ever that it isn't (naturally) so. I believe justice is something that we as humans create or neglect. Unfortunately, in the case of survivors- it just happens to be an area that is so sorely neglected it is as if most people in this country don't even know (or just don't want/choose not to know) I exist. Don't even hear any of the voices of countless survivors that are their wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, daughters, mothers, husbands, grandchildren etc. They don't want to know. Neither do I, to be honest, but it happened to me. I can't ever take that away, I can't ever forget. I look around and I see so many survivors around me who also are ignored, and treated like a bedsore. Today I'm also reminded of that, and that hurts too.
I spoke to a cherished person in my life yesterday about how to handle the two year anniversary of such a horrifying day. This is someone who's steadfast support has driven me to not just move past what happened, but to use it as motivation.

"...heal yourself with positive thinking, self-compassion, and self-care. We are all gifted with this ability. You now have an opportunity to demonstrate to yourself the presence of this ability..."

Today I don't wish for redemption for what occured, and I don't hope for revenge. I would never ask to be saved, and I don't want to pretend it never happened. It would be much too easy to just shut down and "dissociate" from these feelings as I did for so long, just to get by. I can't and refuse to do that anymore, but that certainly doesn't make it any easier to face my feelings at times like today. Just as with anything else, in any other aspect of my life- in the big picture I just want to live. I just want to be happy like everyone else, and some days that is harder than others. Today, I have a simpler focus. Just breathe. Just breathe....

"...Yes, breathe into the heaviness in your chest and sit with whatever comes to you from that place. You have survived the worst of it. Now it is time to recognize the survivor that you are..."

countless endless kisses

a thousand measures of warmth in your every move
countless endless kisses
make me hope that I'll be in your arms again soon
countless endless kisses
bring your lips upon mine, I just shine in your eyes
countless endless kisses
bring me peace to every bone, curve and line
countless endless kisses
amidst the toxic chaos, I breathe clean air
countless endless kisses
with every question you have an answer
countless endless kisses
despite my past you bleed redemption
countless endless kisses
when I need hope you offer your fervor
countless endless kisses
when there's ice in my heart you spark my fire
countless endless kisses
even when I don't know enough to need, you give
countless endless kisses
and I cherish each and every single one of your
countless endless kisses...

"I just feel outdone and undone by you all at the same time...it leaves me speechless..."

It just aches...

Just as these thoughts cross my mind- of what will come seven days from now.... my heart aches. Hours upon hours, day after day, month after month, year after a year.. I've built a little higher. I've glued countless pieces of myself back together to the point that I'm finally starting to see myself as "whole" again. I've found new bits of joy in places that were previously dark. I've uncovered soft painful places in the parts of me I thought were "safe," and brought them to the light where I can ease the hurt. I've brought a kind of healing in my life that makes me realize, I am my life force. I am my healing, I am my love, and I am my pain. I am everything I make, everything I do, everything I say-- and everything I dream .. for me to be.. I am. But I still remember what it felt like when I felt my heart break, over and over and over.. so deeply I decided I would never get it back. After two years I wonder when will the distance be long enough... when will this just be a shadow I've left far behind me?

When can I speak of all things, grasp all memories and harness my emotions without feeling the sting- the throbbing of my scarred heart? There's no scar tissue that shows up on a wounded psyche, no laceration or broken bone to bind on a shattered spirit. Nothing (almost) to connect to how I feel inside, for me or for anyone around me. What else can I do? I don't want to look around inside of myself and always find walls between me and certain parts of my inner world. I don't want to always see walls between me and the rest of the outside world, including those closest to me. I don't want to continue living double lives- always having to switch between living in my daydreams, fantasies or my intellectual (or even physical at times) distractions; to my world that connects me with the people/things/responsibilities in my life. Living this double life leaves me feeling that I can never truly, genuinely be my entire self in either world.

I know I have to give myself credit for all the work I've done to better my situation, by striving to heal and grow as a person. I have to appreciate myself for my commitment to working through some of the issues of my past, related to what happened two years ago and other unrelated events in my life prior to that. I have to respect myself for my initiative; with goals in mind of freeing myself from blocks, tension, trauma and repressed emotions that have hindered my well-being for far too long. I have to forgive myself for my indiscretions, my struggle, faults, mistakes, my fear and neglect- and realize how difficult it is, and how strong I've had to be (and am) to decide that I want better. I want a better life for myself, and I deserve a better life than I've had thus far- with more love, compassion, patience and support than I've given myself before. I can't say it's always easy to remember to be gentle, to take a deep breath and realize that nothing is the end of the world. Right or wrong, success or failure I'll always reach the heights that I set out to. I'm grateful I've had some genuinely caring and supportive people in my life to remind me of a lot of these things when I forget.

I want to learn to give my heart, my spirit and all of my inner world- the kind of companionship that I could never find in another person. I want to know where the road travels in the journey of learning to love myself... more each day- and holding on to that when things get tough.

Two Years and a Lifetime

The 2nd anniversary of one of the most violent, heartbreaking events in my entire life is approaching. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it. It's hard to believe that two whole years have gone by, but it's equally as difficult to fully appreciate all the progress I've made and how far I've come. Some days I am full of pride- other days I can only acknowledge how long the road is ahead- and how far I need to go. I've learned a lot of lessons along the way- I've learned that things I've done in my life seem to perpetuate the trauma I've experienced. I've learned that living with PTSD is like living with a metastasizing tumor at times...I never know when it might pop back up, never know when my skeletons might jump out of the closet and make an appearance. I never really know if it is gone, never really know if it will return. If I don't take care of myself, it just eats me up inside. If I think about it too much and interfere with my body's natural process- it only exacerbates the problem. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way, I've created incredible triumphs in my life as well. I've grown, I've hurt, I've had joy- and I've suffered. I've loved, and I've hated.. I've sung, and I've screamed. I often ask myself, what now? What do I do with the emotions that still live inside me? What do I do to deal with the fear of approaching .. unfamiliar territory?

Last year on the one year anniversary, I had some very .. tangible flashbacks. I experienced memories in which I could literally feel, touch, smell and see what happened to me. I remembered parts of the night that I had previously blacked out- parts of the night that pieced together the sequence of events of when I was raped the night of August 25, 2007. I remembered some of the things he said, remembered how it felt when he forced himself on me. The smile on his face, the taunting words, the disgust I felt. The shame was potent, and I could literally feel it just as I had a year before that day. It stirred me up inside so violently that it is almost as if I experienced it all over again. I lived in fear all over again, and felt traumatized by the fact that .. this rape .. was over but yet it felt as if it never really stopped happening. It made me doubt that my protections, my security was enough.. I wondered if my strength was enough to keep me going. I wondered if the fear would ever go away, or if I would never be able to let go. Or maybe it wasn't about me letting go at all, maybe I could never change the grip these events had on me. Maybe I just had to wait until it let go of me?

Five months ago I returned to the campus of the university I attended, returned to the community that welcomed and cultivated such a huge part of my life and who I am as a person. I gave so much of myself while there, and I was a trained advocate and helped many survivors with their healing process.. and recovering right after being raped or assaulted. I was the first person that many of them spoke to, after living a nightmare. After being attacked, after being violated. I returned to that place that created a hope inside of me, created a lifetime of devotion to helping survivors. I returned to a place with a new devotion- to help myself. I took a huge step in healing that day, in a way I didn't fully comprehend until after it was over. I shared my story for the first time, in a room of over 100 people. It was the first time I shared my experiences with more than two people at a time. I stood up in front of all those people, with my sister at my side, and I talked about what happened to me. I surprised myself at how strong I was, the courage it took to walk up onto that platform and speak of my horror. I had patience and compassion for myself when I had to stop a few times because I choked up with tears and when I lost my breath. I had the new found comfort with silence with me in those moments, and shared as much in those moments as I did in all of the ones I spent talking. A few women came up and hugged me after I spoke- even though they were complete strangers. They thanked ME, and I was so incredibly moved and humbled by that experience. I helped them, and I never knew I could in the way that I did. It felt .. so wonderful. I knew I made a difference, and I knew I was moving forward. I loved, appreciated and respected myself a little bit more that day.. I grew as a person that day. I blossomed, and I was rejuvenated in a beautiful way.

I just want to bring a little more hope with me this year, a little more love, a little more compassion and faith with me as this anniversary approaches. I can't predict how it will feel, I can't predict what will happen. I can only stay in my corner and take each moment as it comes. I don't live in fear anymore- and I am working to have faith in myself-- knowing that I don't have to fear it anymore. I just wanted to share... thanks as always for reading. Please feel free as always to share your stories, artwork, poetry or anything you wish to submit. I'm happy to hear from you!

Life is a Choice You Make

A prayer in resolution, resolve for a change.
Love and life is a choice you make
You can fly or you can break
I can give of myself, or I can take.

Life is a choice that I make
in living for each road that I take
and serving every dream that I plate.
I have to remember to breathe the love in me.

It's my time to keep moving forward
each day seems brighter, each night calmer
each breeze sweeter, each cloud softer.
I face this mad world with my deepest passion.

________________
(blessing of inspiration from India Arie)

Blood is Boiling

Please use discretion when reading this piece with your personal boundaries/limitations in mind. This happens to be the author's path of expressing repressed anger and IS NOT A DISPLAY OF THIS BLOG'S literal OPINIONS OR BELIEFS. Simply an artistic meditation on repressed anger and thoughts. THANKS*********************

Blood is Boiling
7/17, 22, 30, 31

Tell me lies tell me sweet little lies.
Tell me that the devil won’t collect it,
if I have to leave my soul behind.
Because sometimes I wish I could let it go
instead of always shoving it inside.

I am always the collector, I just
pick up feelings, and drag them along so
I’ll always have something to feed upon.

Well, things tend to accumulate
In this net that I’ve sewn
Stifling my determination
I’m just trying not to choke
On all your hurt that’s left unspoken.

You came in and knocked down all of my walls
then stepped in between and devoured my heart.
You trounced in and slaughtered without refrain.
Now my blood drenches your teeth and my soul burns in your eyes,
as you chew on my resolve and you tear off my pride.

I am always the collector, I just
pick up feelings, and drag them along so
I’ll always have something to feed upon.

I want to pull out your hair, and rip off your hide
and poison your lungs, as you breathe in your lies.
I’ll air out your pathetic words, and scorch your desire
I will siphon your spirit, and chew on your bones
I will crush your ambition, and destroy your insides.

I will beat you down, and slice you apart
and force you to watch as I carve out your heart.
I will brand your virulence deep onto your breast
then scream in defiance of reason and rest.
No longer will I own the stench of your filth.

I am always the collector, I just
pick up feelings, and drag them along so
I’ll always have something to feed upon.

Love is not enough to bear this inferno everyday
and endure the trampling of rage again and again.
Love is not enough to put my pieces back together
when it’s eating me inside and slowly wasting me away.
Why are parts of me condemned when I’m still dragging all your pain?

(greatful nod to NIN and Fleetwood Mac)

Hanging in the Balance

(6/18-29,7/14) revision in progress

Caught up
I check my past at the door.
We’ve been walking in this borrowed space
but will you let me go, if I walk away?
Or will you haunt my heart for always?
It’s so hard to breathe when
you keep standin' 'round my dreams.
I’ve been losing sleep for weeks, still
I keep running past my means.
I guess I got caught up in you.

Your heart won't let me leave you
but I gotta break these chains.
I feel a caustic fever burning deep within my chest,
incendiary pressure brews an ache I can’t digest.
My back is throbbing and my heart is racing
to shut me in....but I don't wanna win.

My soul is on fire and I can't take this pain away.
It's got me runnin, got me runnin
far past my means I just can't come clean.
When will I be ready to get past this scene?


('props to Anthony Hamilton, India Arie) to be continued...

Time Capsule

(5/09,7/09)
I'm thanking every star in the universe
for whatever brought me to you
I'll be forever humbled by your presence
knowing you've tamed my heart and shared yours too.

I may never realize what brought me to today
or ever understand what caused you to fray.
But I'll be forever humbled by your presence
knowing you changed my life, and I moved yours too

It seems that life's movement has lead me to this
but I find myself dreaming of all that I've missed.
I've watched my life streaming on each brush stroke
but my future will leave me if I can't learn to own.

I know that my heart can continue to thrive
through all of the darkness, and all of the tears.
For now I've put some love on layaway
to surrender to spirit and persevere for all time.



(wrote this a while back, recovered and decided to work on it again...)