Everybody Wants to Rule the World...

Somewhere swept under the rug
just before a cloud of smoke
right after the ball of dust
whatever I do... I am under the influence
of you...

But I can't seem to find where I left me.
Sometimes it seems as the years pass,
it feels as if I'm dealing with all of the same things
just in different phases of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever really dealing, coping and moving through some of the struggles I've had in my life. For years, after coping with trauma myself- (almost four years ago now) I felt like it owned me. Like a metastasizing cancer... no matter how hard I fought to keep my head above water, it felt like I could sink and perish at any moment under the weight of myself. That's literally what it felt like on many days, feeling so heavy.. it was almost as if I was waterlogged..and no matter what I did, I could never get dry. But I got up every day and I did it anyway, walked around the best I could... sometimes just to keep myself relevant, to stay alive--- you do what you have to do.

I did a lot of soul searching after those days. I went through years of therapy...spent a lot of time hiding from my dreams- healing wounds, taking stock of what I was made of- and wondering what the hell to do with myself. Did a lot of writing.. which was and is wonderful- I love being able to reflect on my ability to create something beautiful, out of something so painful. And even if I wasn't writing something that was aesthetically beautiful.. it always felt beautiful to me ... because I wasn't succumbing, I was creating..which, in essence is my way of saying- I'm not dead yet- keep it coming Life!!! I'm a stubborn-as-all-hell woman, and I take pride in that aspect of myself, because I survive- through everything. Let's just say I had an amazing role model or two growing up who taught me well. ;)

But what happens, now? I recently experienced a stage in my life where a monumental amount of change happened in a relatively short span of time. Recovering in the aftermath of a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship and the end of several substantial friendships in my life in the course of that transition...then a year later, falling in love and getting my heart shattered...then putting back the pieces through the means of physical exertion, exercise and body image revitalization.... Finally getting the courage up to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a therapist, finding a school, teaching myself how to navigate securing loans and applying to a competitive program- and getting accepted to my "reach," and the only school I applied to. A dream come true, is in no way an overestimation of the magnitude of how much this means to me. Finding a new place to live, and leaving my comfort zone of the suburbs surrounding where I grew up (where I retreated for a couple years in what I'll call my "recovery" phase) back into the "hustle bustle" of the city.... back into living with roommates (at almost 29 I had to swallow a large portion of my pride in order to do this) after two years of living on my own.. teaching myself to save- adjusting to working full time and going to school part time... most days it feels like I have two full time jobs. I thought I had arrived... I really did, like my life was finally beginning. And in most respects- I still feel that way- because I'm now preparing myself to do what I'm most passionate about- and what I want to devote the rest of my professional life fulfilling.

BUT...what am I missing here? I still fall back into the same routines of self medicating, doubtful/deprecating thoughts when overwhelmed and stressed. I still struggle with issues surrounding food and forcing myself to exercise, which I know brings so much positive energy into my life that it's almost as if I'm truly cutting myself down by NOT doing it. I still catch myself wanting to shut down from those around me out of fear of loss, pain or fear of feeling exploited. I still find myself struggling with the simplest forms of trust, and realizing that I still experience tension in areas of my body that I know is the result of trauma I experienced years ago. Small little reminders...that this fight isn't over... or should I be taking this .. stage of feeling lost... as a wakeup call that I'm slipping? Backtracking? Have I fallen already?

Perhaps this is my version of that crisis that us late 20-somethings experience when we realize we're on the brink of "the rest of our lives." Where we're done "growing up" and now we're just getting older. Where the sheen has left the process of -learning, and now it just feels more like a way of the world than an adventure. I'm still passionate about life, I'm still passionate about helping/giving/empowering others, I'm still vibrant, energetic, and colorful.. but I guess I'm wondering when I'll wake up from this fog... or perhaps I've only remained "in it" because of my fear of where I'm going to end up when I shake free of it.

Existential crisis, anyone?