Exuding Warmth

There's something I felt when you smiled at me-
as you walked towards me on the sidewalk under evening glow.
Only a small smile escaped out of the corner of my mouth,
as I grinned from the inside out and had to look down
just to harness the flush that went over me.
There's a warmness that naturally exudes from you,
that left me slightly speechless in the first 10 minutes after
you greeted me with a hug and immediately I began
stumbling in my mind trying to find something to say.
Then as you sat down, across the table still smiling
gazing into my eyes, as if you could see what I was thinking.

Who are you?
What is it that has been left in me, ever since that night
two eves ago when we decided to meet.

Ever since that time you have not left my mind. 

You've caught me entirely by surprise, and

I'm not certain what has crossed my path,

or what has resided like a pit in my chest.

As I've talked to you once more,

it appears you've struck a chord;

hearing your voice through the phone

I still struggled at first to keep my composure.

What is it you have, for me to behave this way?

(written 9/20/15 and edited 10/2/15)

Mountain Dreamer

I'm in the throes of a memory

stuck in the eye of a storm.

You really took a hold of me,

but I gave of myself willingly.

Now that you've had your fill of me;

I just want to raise my hands to the sky

and scream, but I cannot breath so instead

I'm teaching myself how to be free.

I put myself in shackles,
clinging to a mountain,

chasing a mirage of family that

I longed for so fiercely that I lost

sight of my feet, and find myself slipping

with no edges to grasp on to,

only slick grass and puddles 

to land in, only mud to catch me.

Now my face is slathered in a film  

that I can't wash clean, 

instead I'm inciting my demons

and they're coming to cash in.
Ghosting just like you would do
to come out alive, to survive.
Now I'm dancing as only I know how
to end this slide, and to rise.

_______________________________________________________

“And I found that I can do it if I choose to - I can stay awake and let the sorrows of the world tear me apart and then allow the joys to put me back together different from before but whole once again.”

― Oriah Mountain Dreamer  

Once again as always, thank you to Florence as well, who has been my favorite muse in the last year.

Too Much is Never Enough

I acted as though my love was enough for two and
prayed that my huge heart could make up for you.
I dreamed that if I could only be consistent
you would wake up and forget the resistance.

Subscribing to the illusion that you would see
that I would never hurt or disappoint you;
I only wanted peace,
in the deepest, most sacred parts of you.

Like the stars chase the sun,
over the glowing hill, I will conquer.

Alas, some wounds run far too deep,
and some things never sleep.
But I never stopped trying
even when inside I was dying.

Even still, you are headstrong
unwilling to bend, unable to bond.
Uncomfortable with staying, too conflicted
to leave.

I know that you loved me, and
I know that you still do.
But something bigger grips you
than my efforts can break through

And my love is no good
Against the fortress that it made of you.

To which only you have the key.


**Tip of the hat to Florence & the Machine's "Queen of Peace," off of the album shown below**

Avoiding Voids

You cannot find happiness
while focused on avoiding
being unhappy.

You can't stay for fear
when holding on to a part
of you that is gone.

The harder you hold
the quicker you'll drop
what is destined to no one.

If it visits you, cherish it
for it will never repeat.

As the blood that runs through your flesh

you are alive, so live

as you are blessed.

Inspired by Verse 24 of the Tao Te Ching and Florence & the Machine

My personal favorite translation, that I own, shown below.

Tourniquet

There are many different kinds of heartache.
The visible, earth shattering, volatile shriek;
The quiet, slow leaked, suffocating blister;
The banished, unfathomable, piercing vice;
The unassuming, shadowed, marooned wail;
The jailed, wild, storming stampede.

Like a virus, splitting once and then nursed,
Only to replicate into magnificent cells of heat
That burn like a thousand suns
That no amount of shelter can shade.
There is no antidote, no escape route.
No "x" marks the spot, no finish line, no parole.

There are many different safeguards
we craft to soothe our fears of losing
that which we could never own to begin with.
Yet no parachute could ever brace
the impact of knowing it is gone.
The only guarantee in life
is that it will change.

It will hurt like hell,
and it will change.

Seven Augusts

Every August comes with a disclaimer, in each of the last seven years.
Each unique in the shifts it spawns, and
every instance comes with a price.

Only now can I decide differently, as
all yesterdays disclude wins and losses.
In all moments of the present day,
only the truest ambitions thrive.

 

Each eighth month, the number of luck and irony,

pain is inevitable, yet joy is my mission.

An addiction for putting my face through the clouds

tasting the newborn fog on my tongue just

to remind myself that I am alive and well.

Seven years felt like seven suns when searching

the history to discover the path forward.

 

In each August of every year I find a store of pain.

Be it pain in my heart, pain in another, pain in my universe

each year I find that there are lessons to be learned

that shake up my world and unsettle my mind.

Where are my bearings in this world of change?

All I can feel is that I'm being sent a message

and I'm trying to listen and trust that I'll know what it means.

 

 

Aint No Way

Take it to the pyre
and I still won't back down.
Even when the screams get so loud
that my ears bleed and my eyes burn

Just keep raising the stakes
I'm waiting and ready
even when the fight is gone
I still won't back down.

Call me stubborn
and I'll tell you I'm proud
throw tornadoes at my feet
I'll still turn it around.

If I know one thing at all
its that their aint no easy way out
thankfully I am seeking to stay
will you be there when the smoke clears?

"Ain't no way for me to love you, if you won't let me. Ain't no way for me to give you all you need, if you won't let me give all of me." - Aretha Franklin

Regenerating

Pleading to my heart to slide down from the upper Milky Way
and safely back into my chest where it belongs.
From where it sprung into action, propelled by waves of intention
as clear as a river bed under ripples from a splash.
My mind, is as open as the Grand Canyon,
but its difficult to pinpoint reality when you can't find your footing.

So much has happened, yet so much has stayed the same.
It's amazing how much can change in fifteen days,
and what can transpire in five minutes.
I found myself in the space before me, waiting with open arms-
And the kinship I've been grieving for weeks, reborn before my eyes. 
Isn't it strange, when we feel betrayed,
it's common to discover our owned abandonment?

Out of the Embers

There's always so many words
when there's no time or room to say them.
So many wakeful nights spent spinning
with the thoughts in my head
and like the dial on a Fortune wheel
I find myself in perpetual wonder
towards what, when or where my
thoughts will lead me.

If in a few words I could say
what amounts to a thousand-
from my heart of hearts
I would be a rich, wise woman.
Until then I'm wrestling to come out
on top of these competing themes
eating at my ears and setting
the hairs on the back of my neck on alert.

See, there's a fire in my heart, and
I know I'm due to love it...
but when I approach I haven't quite
mastered the art of not getting burned.
This fire burns so beautifully and I know
unlike live flames, it will never die.
Yet I cannot strain to step out of the embers unless I learn to dance with the flames.

Inspired

Inspired by warriors, friends, and the force that brought marriage equality to the Supreme Court!

You think we won't win,
and who I am is a sin?
You think I speak too loud,
and that I am just too proud?
You think it's shoving down your throat,
and believe my rights are your vote?
You think that I'll convert your child,
and that it's okay to condone my defiling?

The world now knows how you feel
and that your ignorance is real.
Marriage is not mine to steal
but your place in history will be revealed.


I'm looking at the flags over Boston today, in support of Marriage Equality at the DOMA Rally at City Hall. I feel proud that I am not devoting my life to robbing life from others who want to live freely, without shame. I am proud to be who I am, regardless of who I say it to, regardless of what the laws will "let me" do.

I'm comfortable to let history define me as a person who won't roll over and die in the face of rampant bigotry and prejudice. I won't stop. I won't give in, and I won't forget about the lives that are changed, hurt or much worse, from oppressive policies/laws/attitudes that put the lives and well being of American citizens, adults and defenseless children, at risk. I won't forget who has been hurt, and I won't forget the people I love, and I won't forget myself. Today and everyday, liberty was intended for everyone.

"When you know your worth, no one can make you feel worthless."

                                                DOMA Rally at the Boston City Hall Plaza 3/26/13

Breathing Phoenix - Reincarnated (revised)

(I decided that the poem needed further work after my first edit, feel free to comment on the two! NOTE: This poem was written/revised for One Billion Rising. Read original Breathing Phoenix here if you wish)

After your invasion,

I thought that I would break.

Me and my big old heart,

what would be left, once I got back up?

Those words were never uttered aloud

but I heard them in the quieted reflections and

muttered memories like amplified whispers.

Sure, I've learned a thing or two about pain

over the years since the terror of your shame.

I lost my innocence on a fateful day, that remains

a distant memory, despite the demise.

I encountered a darkness I had never seen when

I faced the demons incited by you.

But I've learned a thing or two about me as well,

about what is inside me, beyond what you can tell

beyond what others see, or can even hear

underneath my heartbeat, underneath my chest.

Outside of my bleeding heart, yet holding it close.

It pushes me to stand, when my heart wants to rest.

It gets me out of bed, when I want to shut the world out.

It gives me back my smile, when I struggle with my fears.

It encourages me to do my best, when I feel beaten down.

It gives me comfort when I need it the most,

and it understands when my anger roasts me.

It picks me up when I've lost my ground,

and gives me faith far beyond what is "sound."

It's the fire that feeds me when my body runs cold,

and it's the mist that cools me when my passion burns.

It's the reason I stand, and permits me to stand down.

It fuels me when I lose my will, and shows me how to stop when I've had my fill.

It's the reason I'm alive; despite what I do, how much I get hurt

or how much I've been through.

It's stronger than my intuition and even my heart

the spirit inside me will never die.

(My inspiration for this revision)

Breathing Phoenix (Reincarnated)

(I was recently invited to speak for One Billion Rising, and while looking through material I was inspired to reinterpret this piece, as it seems to have taken new meaning in my life over the years, with new vision and growth having occurred since I wrote it. Feel free to share your thoughts!) 

After the invasion,
I thought that I would break.
Me and my big old heart,
what would be left, once I could get back up?
No one ever uttered those words aloud
but I heard them in the quieted tones and the
muttered glances like amplified whispers.

Sure, I've learned a thing or two about pain
over the years since your shame.
I lost my innocence on a fateful day, that remains
a distant memory, despite the demise.
I encountered a darkness I had never seen when
I faced the demons incited by you.

But I've learned a thing or two about me as well,
about what is inside me, beyond what you can tell
beyond what others see, or can even hear
underneath my heartbeat, underneath my chest.
Outside of my bleeding heart, yet holding it close.
It pushes me to stand, when my heart wants to rest.
It gets me out of bed, when I want to shut the world out.
It gives me back my smile, when I struggle with my fears.
It encourages me to do my best, when I feel beaten down.
It gives me comfort when I need it the most,
and it understands when my anger roasts me.
It picks me up when I've lost my ground, and
and gives me faith far beyond what is "sound."
It's the fire that feeds me when my body runs cold,
and it's the mist that cools me when my passion burns.

It's the reason I stand, and permits me to stand down.
It fuels me when I lose my will, and shows me how to stop when I've had my fill.
It's the reason I'm alive; despite what I do, how much I get hurt
or how much I've been through.
It's stronger than my intuition and even my heart
the spirit inside me will never die.

Free Fall

I think I'm falling

or the floor beneath me is rising

but I can't seem to stand still

and my mind is reeling

for the sake of feeling

Am I falling?

Or are we emerging?

I can't tell up from down

it feels like we're spinning around

and my pulse is multiplying

I know I'm falling

yet here you firmly stand

with a calm spirit and a flow

of energy that gives me chills

and jump starts my idle heart

For you...

my chest is a revolving door
and you just reach in and pull me out
but I'm no fish out of water in this, love
I'll hit the ground running.

Abandoning Anchor

"We could keep things just the same
leave here the way we came
with nothing to lose
but I don't want to, if you don't want to." -Sugarland

We could sit here on the shore, and
watch as the water moves without us
or walk hand in hand, and
take the boat and actually sail in it.
who cares what the weather brings
we don't need to know everything

just one thing at a time, because one of "us,"
is one more than most can say
the bond we share, and seas we'll sail
are worth more in kind, than
any value could define.

The shores have always been kind to me
soothing and calming me with her waves
protecting my spirit with a wealth
of sea breezes to refresh my tired mind, and
endless depths of strength to guide me.

Perhaps for the first time in my life, I don't
want to think, I just want to jump in.
I know there's no telling where the water will take us
but I know that we'll swim, and I've already won.

I've got a lot of failed sails, sore memories
stowed away wasted messages in bottles that beg us to
map a plan, to navigate the waters and avoid the sands
but for the first time in my life
I don't want to think, or fear
what i could be feeling in reality

Electric Veins (sister poem)

(Sometimes when I post, unfinished... "poems in flux" it is a catalyst for change. This poem has been on the tip of my tongue for a long time, and I'm not sure where to go with it so... here it is so far.)

Charged energy courses through my veins
sparking capricious frequencies in my spirit
that unscrew my consciousness, and set my mind ablaze.
Despite the status quo, my state of being or my life...
When it courses through me...all bets are off.

When the hair on the back of my neck
stands up like the arched back of a startled cat
the air feels thick and appears more sudden
more vulnerable, less connected.
I don't know whether to go to the source
or run for cover to the nearest tree.
Either way I might be stopped by lightning
seizing the wiring inside of me.

Should I be brave? Or more certain for sure...
I'm a self-made woman, fit for the fight.
But I'm tender around the edges
prone to condoning deceit.

Directions

Just to open my eyes, I find that
I must also open my heart, to know that
Everything around me is predestined, to be what
I never thought it could be, and show what
I never thought I would see.

Why didn't anyone tell me the compass is a crock?
That the only way to find direction is to stop
looking for the way the wind is blowing, instead
walking forward to, where your feet lead you.

Just to be able to find you, I had to stop seeing
the image of what I didn't have, instead
of what I wanted for myself, to let go
to be happy to be, completely and genuinely me.

To follow my intuition, fight for a cause I believe in
speaking out so others can speak from within
following my passion as it whispers to my heart
everything you need, is within your walls

The simple rediscovery, of living in all sides of me
is exactly what lead me to you, which leads me to
believe that you've really been here all along
you knew my heart before my eyes ever met you.

Layover

Where has my muse traveled to?
Perhaps it packed my motivation in a carry on
I've been driving along, ambitiously thriving
as my dreams are unfolding before me
but I can't seem to find my luggage
perhaps it landed in a unfamiliar city
and I'm just on a scavenger hunt, minus the list.

I'm on a non-stop flight, almost two years in
The horizon even blesses me, as the sunrise keeps sneaking in
why am I not on the same plane as my dreams?
Where did I go? Why am I flying, if my heart is a no-show?

(to be continued...)

On my Back

(I wrote this almost two years ago, but for some reason I never posted it. But as I am trying to find my inspiration to write again- to connect with myself emotionally in a way that will, make me feel more stable and grounded.... I figured perhaps now, in this time of exploration, is the right time to get it out there.)

How did i get here, how do you figure?
What were we flying on, what was moving us, was it love?
Then why did you shoot it down, how?
Just before i met you, you promised to sweep me off my feet;
and i laughed to myself a little.
I doubted the possibility. But you did. And now i'm on my back.

Why did you shoot it down? How did you feel?
Why did we "work so hard" if this wasn't real?
What were you committed to, if not the ideal?
You said you loved me, beyond the idea of me-
to the person I am in heart and in mind.
Well all I've got left is the ideal now
because you've sworn off loving me.
When I get up now; where do I go?
Wherever I am, you are with me now.
I fear that my love for you will suffocate me
because nobody shares it, so now I must bear it.
As an announcement of my abandonment..
Why am I always left with the scarlet letter?

Why am I always told "you can find something better?"
Why do I always hear, "I care about you, but I'm not ready."
Who's to say that I'm ready either?
What is it about me that pressures you so
when I was around you it seemed that you knew
just what you wanted and just how you felt
but now you've defied it and left me to swell.
The cavity in my chest, feels like it will burst
all while reeling I'm alone and afraid, hurting and denied
I try to stay positive, but it all has been tried.

A few words in this quiet night
Aint it funny.. how there is so much to say
When nobody’s listening
So much to feel, when no one’s around.
If only an ounce of the wisdom that arises
In the quiet, lonesome evenings
Could be wakeful for the clarity of a sunrise
Or a midday tea, or an afternoon snack.

Wanderlust

(11/18/10)

I could say, just walk away.
I could say, just say the word, and I'll leave you be.

But, I won't.

Tell me you don't miss me,
and I'll tell you, you're a liar.
Sitting in your safety seat
with a hard hat on and a glass of wine.

You don't go, from seeing a future
to crying wolf, and calling it "fundamentals"
when it's your own shadow
that you're hiding behind.

I could say, I'm not angry..
because I don't want to be that
bitter lesbian, jaded and gun-shy
hopeful yet dreary, livid yet laughing

But I won't.

It's not every day that I open the door
certainly not to a wanderlust like you.
they say "not all who wander are lost"
but somehow, you missed the boat
and your lust is your lost cause.