I've been told that healing happens even when you aren't trying. I've been told that affirmations help build faith, from a place of complete devastation. I've been told that reminding myself, that the flashbacks aren't real- and that it isn't happening anymore- will make the flashbacks stop. (at least in that moment) I've been told, that if I'm gentle with myself and patient through the emotional ups and downs...that I'd start feeling a release of anxiety- and I'd feel stronger every day. (even if its at a snails pace) I've been told, that it isn't my fault. I've been told (and I know) that the chances of bringing the abuser to justice are somewhere close to 1 in 16. As a sexual abuse advocate, I know that the chances are actually slimmer than that. I've been told, that if I focus on my health and well-being- that things will eventually turn around for me. I've been told that I'll feel more like myself eventually. I've been told that my intense feelings and outbursts, are normal for a person experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder. I've also been told that I might be bipolar. I've also been told not to force myself to participate in activities and/or events that make me uncomfortable- or trigger flashbacks and relapses of fear/anxiety.
It's a lot harder to convince
myself of what I've been told. It's far more difficult to convince myself of what
I know to be true in my mind even. My mind tells me one thing, and my body doesn't understand. The body doesn't respond well to intellect- it doesn't obey to demands. I may be intelligent, I may be strong- but my body doesn't always follow what I want it to. I've learned that my body leads me on a path- that I don't always follow. Sometimes I trust my head over my heart, soul and body. Sometimes I don't feel parts of my body at all, and don't realize where tension is coming from. Other times, I have trouble doing simple things that normally wouldn't be a problem, simply because I can't relax those certain muscles that make it possible.
Other times, things are feeling lighter. Days seem brighter now, and I can appreciate the moments of joy that my loved ones bring into my life. I enjoy those moments, and I don't take them for granted. Even if it's just a little sun through all the clouds and thunder storms that could possibly be thown at me, it's worth it to me. I've missed the sun. I know my body will come in due time. There's nothing like surviving traumatic events to force a person to start following their heart- and to shut out some of the thoughts in their head. That's at least how its been for me.
What is healing really? Certain wounds won't
ever subside. They just won't be in my conscious thoughts as much...... Is it my heart that has lead me in the direction that I've been going? Is it that conscious decision to follow my gut, my heart- that made the difference of how I feel today? Or is it just the time that has past- which makes me grasp a hold on life, and get my feet back on firm ground? Do I really feel, better than I did before- or just less miserable? I have a lot of these questions flying around in my head everyday-- At first, I wanted to shut the world off and shut myself out of it because
everything hurt. My memories haunted me, my body hurt, my pride, my confidence, my faith, my spirit (or what's left of it) it all hurt. My head was constantly spinning, I was constantly crying, screaming or both... I felt like all of the pain didn't need to spread around- I wanted desperately to hold on to it myself and only let it out when I was convinced it would be okay to let it out to someone I trusted. I thought- just because I hurt- doesn't mean anyone else has to on my behalf. At first though, I didn't let most of my feelings out to
anyone at all. I lived in this sort of alternate reality, where I didn't know where I was- or how to get back. Even if I could have gotten back, at that point I didn't want to. I didn't want to return to the place where I felt like I was murdered, contaminated, humiliated, abused. Going out into the world, being around other people- I was convinced that people were seeing right through me like I was a ghost- right through me as if I had no skin, no sheild to keep things out. That created fear that kept me in the house- for months. Now, I'm okay with the world's movement around me and in and out of me. I'm okay with my movement (however slow it is) and the emotions I have. I realize that my emotions run through me and out of me like a river- and in all actuality the rest of the world (and the people in it) do(es) as well. I'm okay with being around other people now (in almost all situations)- I know to shut myself off when I need to protect my vulnerability- and to interact freely when I feel up to it. But there's always that pain that's
still there- sometimes it bubbles up, other times I can't even connect to it. I long to find other survivors to share my experiences with- and to have them share theirs with me. I long for being able to realize, first hand- how I am not alone. I know I'm not alone.. its just nice to feel that in a tangible sense.
It has been eight months, since my world was torn apart. Since then- my life has been nothing short of a roller-coaster ride. Not like the ones I love, and plan to go on this summer. :) For most of that time- I was too afraid to reach out- because that would mean I'd make myself vulnerable.. and I just didn't trust anyone enough to do that. I didn't even trust myself. It's almost like I was in the fetal position for five or six months... and now I've started to come out of it (again, at a snails pace). Don't get me wrong- it's still scary... the difference is now I
want to reach out- and I'm willing to be vulnerable. I realize how much that vulnerability, and willingness means to my progress and healing.
Anyways.. that's enough for now. Thanks for listening- I look forward to any discussion that might come out of this.
