Testing the Waters

"It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I can't mention...
...I'm not afraid things won't get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer...
...But life gives little relief
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clench my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that I'm not blind." -Good Intentions, Glen Phillips

"I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music
And it breaks my heart..."

When things get tough I don't close my eyes anymore. I remain firm on my path in life and remind myself that there is no reason to panic. Not only have I learned that I have what it takes to keep moving- but I've realized that things tend to work themselves out in the end. I know I will suffer at times, I know I will have doubts- and that is natural. What keeps me going is that I know in the end I will come around, and I will work through whatever challenges I face. Nothing supports faith and builds hope better than a calm and positive outlook and attitude, and an energetic and healthy appetite for happiness.

One of the the things that baffles me the most though, is how you two stay in my mind. Not so much why, because you both played such monumental roles in my life for so long- and we share so many cherished memories. Unfortunately, those memories are now tarnished by an incredibly traumatic end to our relationships....but you haven't left my mind since. As painful and infuriating as that has been to miss you both- all the days and nights I cried, screamed and reeled with the pain you both caused. Nothing can break my heart so extensively ... as those who I have loved the most- and those who loved me the most. I never thought I'd have to see a day without either of you- I still am confused at times as to the reality of this situation. Why did this have to happen? Why did this have to be a part of the journey for me? Why did this have to be the lesson I had to learn, and why with you? Especially one of you- the one I spent years upon years getting to know- years as each other's main confidante. Years upon years, approaching a decade loving each other and being the closest friends that there ever could be. I can't fill in the gaping hole you abandoned in my heart. There's nothing I can do to release that pain- or even to relieve it. It comes and goes in and out of my consciousness- but in one way or another I can never forget that spot you used to reside in my heart, that remains empty and cold. In my mind I can hold it in my hands, roll it around and observe for hours... and never understand why you aren't in it.. even though I know full well, intellectually anyway. Does this make me crazy? All I know is I never loved anyone fully- never with my entire being.. in the way that I loved (and still do love) you. Never did I have 'one foot on the ground' with you, I would have given you the shirt off my back, I would have taken a bullet for you, I would have done anything in this entire world for you.

"...And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love..
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall..
..my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better.."-Fidelity, Regina Spektor

I'm not so sure this particular thing will get better. I only hope the moments of pain will become further in between. That maybe some day I can find some resolution.. some closure. I have some regrets about the way I handled things, but I've had to move on and try to let go of those. Things are in the past and I have to move on. But I can't help but wonder- how is it that I have to move on without you? I don't regret having met you. I don't regret having loved you, I don't regret all the days we spent laughing and loving.. all the memories we've shared. I haven't forgotten all of the things you did to help me, all the things you did to keep me going when I lost my faith and when I was hurt. I will never forget all the things you said- in all of the moments I didn't realize how much I needed you- and even when I didn't need you. You were always there for me. Your love was amazing-- and I grew so much and learned so much from you and our friendship and companionship. I also can't forget how you turned your back on me and so easily betrayed me- after everything we've been through. I can't forget how you walked away and I haven't heard from you since, other than a one-lined email. I wonder if you think of me, I wonder what you hoped would come of this situation. I wonder how you handle all of this, and even if it IS infuriating- I wonder how you are doing......

"I'm caught up in the middle
But I'll take it to the end
It's comin back together
And it's breakin' down again
If I could find a reason
I'd say you were my friend
If I could find a reason
I'd say it once again...
..Bright lights
Come and go
Playin' blues songs on my radio
Shadows still appear
In the house tonight
Ghosts that come in from the past
All those ghosts that keep on comin' back
Slidin' through the walls
And my windows..." Through the Glass Darkly, Annie Lennox

Sometimes you find the answer for closure- in the one place you didn't look. Or, the moment you stop looking altogether. You found me expendible, I thought I could/would never find a better friend than you. I've learned gradually however- there has to be. I guess it had to be taken from me, I had to be betrayed- to know that cruelty and shameful behavior- there has to be better. I deserve better.

It Only Hurts When I Breathe...

"...and I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you.." -Melissa Ethridge

The pain reminds me I'm alive.. the pain grounds me in this journey I'm on. The pain reminds me just how genuine I really am. The pain shows me how to remember where I've come from- focus on where I'm at, and look forward to the future. The pain sometimes scares me with images of trauma, and tortures me with pangs of heartache. Sometimes it kicks me on my ass and shows me I'm insignificant in the grand scheme of things. In this world I am only one of many people struggling with their own personal challenges. In this world it isn't about showing you or anyone up with my strength, but rather being big enough to fight to be happy. There's no need to look around to who to give those positive feelings to, if I am truly happy I know others will be impacted by my energy without my having to force it.

There were so many of my yesterdays that I spent my faith on you. So many days where I invested all of my energy in your happiness. There were days where I grounded my feelings of home.... in you. I buried myself alive in kinship of the heart. I laid myself on the block to die, and gave my life to you- in my desperate longing for security, stability and sense of protection. I desperately grasped for you in a time where I felt I couldn't block out the evils of the world, like they could overcome me at anytime. I saw the world through your eyes and soul because I couldn't find or even feel my own. If home is a feeling and not a place, I thought I could only feel that vicariously through you. I thought that I'd never feel that in me again, unless I was with you. It wasn't until I emerged from the aftermath of betrayal, until my heart was broken that I truly felt my feet touch the ground. Home was so close that I could smell it.. and soon after the feeling and sounds of home followed. Home was inside of me, and I felt that more than I ever had before. I had arrived.

I spent a long time away... I left this feeling behind a long time ago and forgot it was even there. When I rediscovered it I had a hard time harnessing it. Everyday presents itself with more change and personal challenges. There is no way to feel more like myself than to feel at home inside my own walls though. I feel that and I look back on the past as a major turning point- another bend in the river. I have to appreciate the role that you and other people have played in my life, negative or positive because it has contributed to the process of me becoming more and more myself everyday. I take it with the good and the bad. I'd only want the same for others surviving with nothing but sheer will and any small glimpse of hope. For those who are suffering with pain that they cannot relieve, and fear that is suffocating. I feel for you...not out of sympathy, but because I've been there. The struggle isn't over either, but I feel fortunate to be where I am today. So speak up and out.. I'm listening. Home is in you, and even if a storm has blown it to bits, it will rebuild itself and you won't ever lose that. Even if you can't feel it or see it, it just takes a lot of patience and a little bit of faith to get through those times when it feels like all is lost.... you aren't lost. A home can be broken, blown down, robbed; a home can perish. But if you stay with it, stay with your self even when your soul is broken or 'lost,' a home can be rebuilt. A life lost cannot.. hang in there, and stay with you. Until you feel stable enough to rebuild your house- reach out. I'm not the only one looking to support you- but I am one person who is always willing to listen.

Hall of Famer on and off the field

Congratulations Jim Rice, your entrance into the hall has been a long time coming. You have always been a legend on and off the field and I can speak for all of Red Sox Nation when I extend my most heartfelt admiration of your accomplishments. Just a little story to share with all of you that I didn't know about Jim- just another reason why he has been so firmly entrenched in Red Sox fans' fondest memories.

"Rice remembered for big save that came off the Red Sox field"

I Came Across these Memories...

and when I looked closer at some of the writing I found- I realized some of the things I was struggling with a year ago- I still see in my life today. Yet other things have progressed more than I ever thought they could. Either way, its refreshing in a strange way (but also a bit disturbing) to see where I was at the time. I remember all too clearly what it felt like, as if it were only yesterday. The beginning of my struggle with PTSD is still very evident to me, and I'm still suffering with it today. I work through it and I've seen and continue to see much happier days- and I know that someday this will be a much more distant memory. Just helps every now and then to look back at where I've been- and then see where I am now. I am used to being driven, I am used to working through things. I'm not used to having any feeling of reinforcement for it though- I don't expect or ask for it. But in this case it means a lot to me. I thought this might be useful too- for other survivors looking to relate to others' experiences... knowing that amongst many other things- we share a lot of common struggles.

***1/9/08***
I feel like I'm bleeding.. always bleeding without knowing the source or why. I'm always hurting, the trick is being able to ignore it or not. I always feel anxiety, whether or not it shows. The only difference for me is whether I'm able to work through it or whether it overcomes me with fear, tears and anger. I'm very angry and irritable a lot of the time, not knowing when the suffering will end. Feeling incompetent at every turn, without the ability to communicate effectively with others and having fear about engaging in any type of social activity. I don't like to go too far from home anymore- and when I have to all I can think about is going back. If I'm able to fall asleep at night, I wake up a thousand times abruptly and have frequent (and often traumatizing) nightmares. No matter how much sleep I get I always have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I rarely to never feel rested. I feel needy all the time, craving physical contact constantly and I no longer feel safe being alone. Yet I don't like talking to people either, and even with my loved ones I find I can't engage in conversations for too long and I tend to look for ways to escape. Whenever a conversation enters a topic or idea that I'm uncomfortable with, my flight response kicks in immediately and I (quite literally) cannot continue.

Labyrinth
Walking through the path becomes quicksand
as the corners all look the same
and there is no hope around the bend.
With each moment a growing sense of panic sets in
and all I can think about is getting out
but with every step I only go back in.

Wounded
Veteran of a war that never was
carrying a corpse that's still alive.
Bleeding without any signs of injury
flashes of terror battling long after the war
has ended.

Heartbroken
Without reason, without a lost lover.
Grieving without loss of life
searching for the way to heal.
Sleepless nights wishing
this all would end.
__________________________________________

***1/10-1/11/08*** "All I Ask"
I'm not looking for you to save me,
not hoping that you'll make it all go away.
I'm not expecting you to look after me forever,
or sympathize with my "frame of mind."

I'm not saying you should understand,
nor do I want you to comprehend.
I have no desire for you to "take my pain away,"
or attempt to help carry the load.

I'm not asking you to motivate me,
not wishing you would "show me the way."
Without reason for pushing me to make it better,
I know I'll make it, just not today.

I'm not searching for one who will wait forever,
not believing you could "make me see."
I know inside that there are no answers,
just countless doubts and obstacles in front of me.

I'm not waiting for you to speak for me,
or to break down barriers on my behalf.
There's nothing I can say or do,
to make this nightmare disappear.

I know you can sense the grieving,
you hurt and I know that's real.
But I'm glad somehow, that you'll never grasp
how tangible my heartache is.

It's impossible to process what has occurred,
and the havoc its wreaked in my body and soul.
To realize that I'll never return to the way I was before,
I just hope to heal, to love, and to feel.

I'm not inspired to have an epiphany,
for I know in my heart it just won't come.
For once I can't rely on intellect or will,
I have to live this suffering and eventually work through.