Testing the Waters

"It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I can't mention...
...I'm not afraid things won't get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer...
...But life gives little relief
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clench my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that I'm not blind." -Good Intentions, Glen Phillips

"I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music
And it breaks my heart..."

When things get tough I don't close my eyes anymore. I remain firm on my path in life and remind myself that there is no reason to panic. Not only have I learned that I have what it takes to keep moving- but I've realized that things tend to work themselves out in the end. I know I will suffer at times, I know I will have doubts- and that is natural. What keeps me going is that I know in the end I will come around, and I will work through whatever challenges I face. Nothing supports faith and builds hope better than a calm and positive outlook and attitude, and an energetic and healthy appetite for happiness.

One of the the things that baffles me the most though, is how you two stay in my mind. Not so much why, because you both played such monumental roles in my life for so long- and we share so many cherished memories. Unfortunately, those memories are now tarnished by an incredibly traumatic end to our relationships....but you haven't left my mind since. As painful and infuriating as that has been to miss you both- all the days and nights I cried, screamed and reeled with the pain you both caused. Nothing can break my heart so extensively ... as those who I have loved the most- and those who loved me the most. I never thought I'd have to see a day without either of you- I still am confused at times as to the reality of this situation. Why did this have to happen? Why did this have to be a part of the journey for me? Why did this have to be the lesson I had to learn, and why with you? Especially one of you- the one I spent years upon years getting to know- years as each other's main confidante. Years upon years, approaching a decade loving each other and being the closest friends that there ever could be. I can't fill in the gaping hole you abandoned in my heart. There's nothing I can do to release that pain- or even to relieve it. It comes and goes in and out of my consciousness- but in one way or another I can never forget that spot you used to reside in my heart, that remains empty and cold. In my mind I can hold it in my hands, roll it around and observe for hours... and never understand why you aren't in it.. even though I know full well, intellectually anyway. Does this make me crazy? All I know is I never loved anyone fully- never with my entire being.. in the way that I loved (and still do love) you. Never did I have 'one foot on the ground' with you, I would have given you the shirt off my back, I would have taken a bullet for you, I would have done anything in this entire world for you.

"...And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love..
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall..
..my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better.."-Fidelity, Regina Spektor

I'm not so sure this particular thing will get better. I only hope the moments of pain will become further in between. That maybe some day I can find some resolution.. some closure. I have some regrets about the way I handled things, but I've had to move on and try to let go of those. Things are in the past and I have to move on. But I can't help but wonder- how is it that I have to move on without you? I don't regret having met you. I don't regret having loved you, I don't regret all the days we spent laughing and loving.. all the memories we've shared. I haven't forgotten all of the things you did to help me, all the things you did to keep me going when I lost my faith and when I was hurt. I will never forget all the things you said- in all of the moments I didn't realize how much I needed you- and even when I didn't need you. You were always there for me. Your love was amazing-- and I grew so much and learned so much from you and our friendship and companionship. I also can't forget how you turned your back on me and so easily betrayed me- after everything we've been through. I can't forget how you walked away and I haven't heard from you since, other than a one-lined email. I wonder if you think of me, I wonder what you hoped would come of this situation. I wonder how you handle all of this, and even if it IS infuriating- I wonder how you are doing......

"I'm caught up in the middle
But I'll take it to the end
It's comin back together
And it's breakin' down again
If I could find a reason
I'd say you were my friend
If I could find a reason
I'd say it once again...
..Bright lights
Come and go
Playin' blues songs on my radio
Shadows still appear
In the house tonight
Ghosts that come in from the past
All those ghosts that keep on comin' back
Slidin' through the walls
And my windows..." Through the Glass Darkly, Annie Lennox

Sometimes you find the answer for closure- in the one place you didn't look. Or, the moment you stop looking altogether. You found me expendible, I thought I could/would never find a better friend than you. I've learned gradually however- there has to be. I guess it had to be taken from me, I had to be betrayed- to know that cruelty and shameful behavior- there has to be better. I deserve better.