Forgiving Darkness

If it's impossible to know what love is, without forgiving someone's darkness-- that certainly explains a lot of why I struggle to love myself at times. If It's impossible to know someone, without seeing their darkness, that would explain why I feel so empty still. I'm acquainted with my darkness, we dance and philosophize sometimes. Other times we meet each other in silence, honoring each others' presence without dialogue. Still other moments, I curse my darkness - and insult my integrity and ability to persevere - at the expense of my attention, hope, and faith. Writing is my only honesty ticket for my darkness, my connecting flight, my opener. I've been searching and taking inventory of my fears lately to gain insight into why I can't communicate directly with them, why I can't bring them to the forefront and allow others to see them, and to know me in that way. Forgiveness seems to be the missing party, the lost luggage so to speak. I can't absorb the love of others, nor all of the love around me, or at least a large portion of it because I am waterlogged by disdain, disapproval and judgment of my own darkness.  Even more importantly, I haven't been able to further develop my own ability to love myself, and I see now why forgiveness is a majority of the reason why. Toxicity becomes my environment without the outlet for my darkness, and there is no guarantee of muse, no cure-all for writer's block.  I know now that I need another way in. I've lived a long time, 33 years without another way in.  I started writing at 11, to document my suffering that I didn't understand at the time.  As I got older, the writing wasn't enough, and I sought outside help.  I became more versed in managing my mental health, and then as expected, life became more complicated. Today, my skills to manage certain aspects of my mental health, have proven to not be enough -- and suffering is getting the best of me, rearing its ugly head as exhaustion and burn out.

I've had moments, periods of time in my life when I felt that I was very strongly loving myself.  But I find that these states are not permanent, and if you aren't careful, you fall right out of them; as I have. I've forgotten how to love myself, and I'm not sure I've ever been able to love myself in the wild way that I love others.  And I understand that my hopeless romantic way of loving some others in my life, will never be replicated in my love for myself- as would be expected as I don't have that same relationship with myself. However, should I be able to love myself with similar fervor? Is the love that I deserve, from myself, of a different variety altogether?  What is the sign that will show me that enough is enough? Have I ever seen it before? If forgiveness is the missing party, it would seem that shame is the vehicle for my lack of forgiveness. I don't let other people see my darkness because I'm too busy protecting them from it, or perhaps I am only protecting myself - and instead only robbing them of seeing me.  I hide because I can't be sure that I can function outside of my darkness enough to be what I perceive as visible to others. I hide because of how I perceive myself to be intolerable to others.  Why am I ashamed of my darkness? In some ways I relate this to others' in my life in the past who have shown disdain for the intensity of my emotions.  Other's who have not known how to bear witness to my emotions without feeling responsible for them, others who are unable to bear witness to my emotions without feeling consumed by them.  I don't want anyone to bear any burden of what I feel, as I truly believe I was given this ability to feel so intensely, for a reason.  I don't want anyone to be hurt by the intensity of my emotions, because hurting myself is enough.  Searching for my way in... meditating with all of you.  Welcoming submissions, as always.  Be well, and find your way in as well, as I am searching for mine.

-Phoenix

Mountain Dreamer

I'm in the throes of a memory

stuck in the eye of a storm.

You really took a hold of me,

but I gave of myself willingly.

Now that you've had your fill of me;

I just want to raise my hands to the sky

and scream, but I cannot breath so instead

I'm teaching myself how to be free.

I put myself in shackles,
clinging to a mountain,

chasing a mirage of family that

I longed for so fiercely that I lost

sight of my feet, and find myself slipping

with no edges to grasp on to,

only slick grass and puddles 

to land in, only mud to catch me.

Now my face is slathered in a film  

that I can't wash clean, 

instead I'm inciting my demons

and they're coming to cash in.
Ghosting just like you would do
to come out alive, to survive.
Now I'm dancing as only I know how
to end this slide, and to rise.

_______________________________________________________

“And I found that I can do it if I choose to - I can stay awake and let the sorrows of the world tear me apart and then allow the joys to put me back together different from before but whole once again.”

― Oriah Mountain Dreamer  

Once again as always, thank you to Florence as well, who has been my favorite muse in the last year.

Too Much is Never Enough

I acted as though my love was enough for two and
prayed that my huge heart could make up for you.
I dreamed that if I could only be consistent
you would wake up and forget the resistance.

Subscribing to the illusion that you would see
that I would never hurt or disappoint you;
I only wanted peace,
in the deepest, most sacred parts of you.

Like the stars chase the sun,
over the glowing hill, I will conquer.

Alas, some wounds run far too deep,
and some things never sleep.
But I never stopped trying
even when inside I was dying.

Even still, you are headstrong
unwilling to bend, unable to bond.
Uncomfortable with staying, too conflicted
to leave.

I know that you loved me, and
I know that you still do.
But something bigger grips you
than my efforts can break through

And my love is no good
Against the fortress that it made of you.

To which only you have the key.


**Tip of the hat to Florence & the Machine's "Queen of Peace," off of the album shown below**

Tourniquet

There are many different kinds of heartache.
The visible, earth shattering, volatile shriek;
The quiet, slow leaked, suffocating blister;
The banished, unfathomable, piercing vice;
The unassuming, shadowed, marooned wail;
The jailed, wild, storming stampede.

Like a virus, splitting once and then nursed,
Only to replicate into magnificent cells of heat
That burn like a thousand suns
That no amount of shelter can shade.
There is no antidote, no escape route.
No "x" marks the spot, no finish line, no parole.

There are many different safeguards
we craft to soothe our fears of losing
that which we could never own to begin with.
Yet no parachute could ever brace
the impact of knowing it is gone.
The only guarantee in life
is that it will change.

It will hurt like hell,
and it will change.

Out of the Embers

There's always so many words
when there's no time or room to say them.
So many wakeful nights spent spinning
with the thoughts in my head
and like the dial on a Fortune wheel
I find myself in perpetual wonder
towards what, when or where my
thoughts will lead me.

If in a few words I could say
what amounts to a thousand-
from my heart of hearts
I would be a rich, wise woman.
Until then I'm wrestling to come out
on top of these competing themes
eating at my ears and setting
the hairs on the back of my neck on alert.

See, there's a fire in my heart, and
I know I'm due to love it...
but when I approach I haven't quite
mastered the art of not getting burned.
This fire burns so beautifully and I know
unlike live flames, it will never die.
Yet I cannot strain to step out of the embers unless I learn to dance with the flames.

You left your mark on me

Or so you thought

I left my heart

Temporarily

You left your mark on me

Or so you thought

I came back to find it

But somewhere in between

I lost me.

I left more marks on me

Or so I thought

I found myself again

I left more marks on me

Mistook blood for emotion

And I’m jump starting endlessly.

I’ve got my eyes on you

You’re everywhere that I see

I’ve got a circular devotion

To all that’s been failing me.

I gave you everything I feel

Yet nothing that was real

When I went to assess the damage

The marks were gone

But the pain was obscene

It was as if I could taste it

If I ever uttered a word

I might not embrace it

But I can’t help but face it.

Frequencies of Protection

Tell me why,
have I been running in circles
for so long now?
Tell me why,
when I look at you
you don't know me anymore?
Tell me why,
after all this time
I am asking myself the same questions
while the answers often land
in such distance from the truth?

In the end,
when so much depends
on finding the truths
within ourselves;
tell me why,
we spend so much time
and expend precious energy
creating fantasies of grandeur?
To decorate, elaborate, accentuate
and feed our egos...
...a perfect decoy for the truth.

Tell me why,
I often find myself
so far outside of my voice,
that I cannot decode my own
frequencies of protection?
Tell me why,
it's become so difficult
to ascertain the difference
between what I've been
telling myself and what's recorded
in spiritual transmission?

I find it rather unsettling,
that I could step so swiftly
outside of my center,
that I leave no footsteps
for my heart to follow home.
Tell me why, I can sit here
grasping at straws
gasping for clarity
ready to lunge at a moment's notice
just to land in a spot that feels
even remotely like home.

Electric Veins

So much energy courses through my veins around this time of year; that it causes almost completely unpredictable waves in my spirit that unscrew my consciousness, and set my mind ablaze. Regardless of the status quo, my state of being up until August, or the state of my life in general. When this time comes around...all bets are off.

So I'm checking in. Four years later. Today hasn't even arrived in the queue of twilights surrounding the anniversary. It's not for another 17 days. But the changes have already started. As I sit here with my hands shaking after a sleepless night with unbidden memories and a day on the verge of tears. As I find myself taking stock of where I've been, I realize that this is pretty typical for me to do, while writing entries in here. Be it an appraisal of the events in my life or my own assessment of my efforts to create a life for myself that remains in growth from the point of attention. Today, I don't know where to start. In some ways I have truly arrived in the pinnacle, and in others I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps. I've arrived in the pinnacle of my life in that I am working on my masters degree that will allow me to practice my true life's work. I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps in terms of my drive to cling to routine, my on-again-off-again relationship with my ability to relax, my anxious tendency to harbor my own emotions within the walls of my body....the last of which I can't do right now. The last of which is affecting my relationships and that is when it really starts to wreak havoc within my conscience. Just like it is right now.

Is this what each year will be like, come August? Will I feel stronger each year; will I feel disappointed each year? Each of the last four years has been a battle within myself. A battle between the peaceful, accepting side of myself and the driven, stubborn and even a little prideful side of myself. I've come a long way and worked harder than I ever thought I could, to make it to this day. I struggle to forgive such lengthy hiccups. I struggle to withhold judgment for myself. Even this meditation only scrapes at the surface, as I fear some of my bravery might have escaped me since 2008, when I found it in myself to create this website to release all that was hell-bent on defeating me; if I had let it. Perhaps the fourth anniversary comes with a challenge for me to reclaim my own courage and release the demons that are deep within my consciousness, and admit even to myself once again, that I am not alone.

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Just bought a great album, if you are a fan of Dixie Chicks you'll definitely want to check the Court Yard Hounds out. Even if you aren't, I am a huge fan of singing harmonies and to hear these two, it's just gorgeous. I think it's great that they are sisters as well, it gives them a chemistry that you can't really replicate. The album deals with a lot of issues around loss and coping, and that is always something that catches my attention. I'm fascinated by the way people cope with challenges in their lives, as well as how they navigate through struggles towards being happy.

Certain music tends to come into my life at certain times. I'm not always a believer that everything happens for a reason, there are some things in life that reason just can't touch. But I do think that happens for a reason. Music inspires almost everything that I do, artistically speaking. 99% of my poetry is rhythmically based, inspired and/or infused... and a lot of what I listen to helps me interpret what's inside of my heart and mind that I can't seem to or don't want to vocalize. A lot of musicians will say that they make music to connect to others, and not only to express themselves. I feel I write the same way, first; to connect to myself, and second to connect to others who've lived through some of the same things. I've got a very, very big heart- and love with the best of them. I've got a never resting head, that's always thinking, processing, reasoning, imagining, and both of these parts of me can be exhausting at times. I'm an outgoing person, and very honest- sometimes to a fault. Most people who know me, know that I love to express myself and love a good long conversation. But what most don't understand is just how much I hold inside, and not always by choice. There are days where I just feel like I speak a different language, and that there isn't someone who truly understands me. This is where the writing comes from, and often times music helps me locate myself, and a new path inside the places in myself it is hard to visit. I encourage you all to do the same, find the things that bring out and encourage your expression.

"I am tired, Beloved,
of chafing my heart against
the want of you;
of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it."
~Amy Lowell, "The Letter"

Have any expressions or ideas to share? Please feel free to submit poems or other forms of art! My email address is on my profile.

Just One Step Away

12/8/09, 1/5&7/10

Baby won't you sing my song
can you walk my way
and lay your body next to mine.

Life doesn't want me to rest
she tosses waves at my shore
blows indecision in my ears
and sends doubts through the rain.

But I can't rearrange the way
the blood runs through my veins
any more than the way the wind blows my hair
and the water rinses me clean.

just as quickly as the waves hit my chest
the sand and the stones wash out with the tide
I can stay and pick through the seashells and weeds
and look out to sea for the beckoning sails

at times I just stand and look at my toes
and watch as the ground is sifting in rows
earth is moving beneath me, nothing is still
i feel my heart beating inside me, forcing its will.

Baby, won't you walk my way
lay your body next to mine
let's erase the time.

when the night falls on the coast
the air reeks of memories, jasmine and brine
the energy is lifted, beneath every breath
leaves one of your thoughts gifted, to stay with the dunes.

Happiest Days, Heaviest Sorrow

(8/31-9/2-3)

We listen too hard and speak too late
We wonder too long and squander what's on the plate.
Some of us laugh in the darkest hours
Even as dreams roll down their face
when you close your eyes, does the world disappear?

As I sit here waiting,
your face is all that I can see
as you are lowered into the cold ground
my body is overtaken by shivers.
I can feel you looking at me
smiles and laughter we shared just yesterday.
I can't believe, all I can do is watch
as you're swiftly taken away from me.

I still can't let you go
I still can't understand
why I'm still left here wondering
how I can live without you loving me.
I still can't comprehend why
I'm asking myself these questions
when the words just don't make sense.
'Round and round, thoughts keep spinning in my head
I feel like I'm reciting a storybook
but the words won't fit in my mouth
and the pictures are making me sick.
I try to spit them out but when I can't look at you
I am finding out that I just can't breathe.

I'm sitting alone inside of myself,
in the place you used to visit.
Like a child in a new city who's never left home;
there's no seat or perch, no park or place
that can make her feel like she's ever really safe.
Alone in this empty place that only I know.
Alone inside of myself, moving in the hidden ways
I've lost my will to see the living, breathing, aching
heart that is working it's will inside of me.

I can wake up every morning
with a smile on my face
but I can't look inside of myself
and pull out what is gone.
No matter what anyone says
I can't heal what I've lost.
I can only keep living.
I have two choices, to die
or to suffer in good faith
and keep living.
Death is when the end of me arrives,
so that leaves me only one;
to struggle my way through and
keep moving- even when I'm tired.
Keep moving when I'm hurting
and all I can do is cry.

I can swallow this pill, I can open my eyes
but I can't force my mind to move
all I can do is stand up and try.
Night after night, I dream of you
night after night, remembering you.
Day after day, I wake up and cry
day after day, I still get up and try.
Long after the obituary, and all the goodbye's
after all the feasts and family have gone;
I still walk with this aching
gaping hole inside of me.
I spend hours searching for what I can
fill it with, that will even echo
the spirit of what has gone.

Sometimes it seems my soul never sleeps
so how can I lay you to rest?
How can I ever truly say goodbye
when I can't seem to find enough
ground beneath my feet, enough will
inside, where my love for you
can start to confide in me.


(This meditation on greiving for lost loved ones and personal death/trauma, and the similarities/differences between both--tnx in part to the influence lyrics of B. Harper & J. Spooner have on me as well as conversations with those close to me)

Blood is Boiling

Please use discretion when reading this piece with your personal boundaries/limitations in mind. This happens to be the author's path of expressing repressed anger and IS NOT A DISPLAY OF THIS BLOG'S literal OPINIONS OR BELIEFS. Simply an artistic meditation on repressed anger and thoughts. THANKS*********************

Blood is Boiling
7/17, 22, 30, 31

Tell me lies tell me sweet little lies.
Tell me that the devil won’t collect it,
if I have to leave my soul behind.
Because sometimes I wish I could let it go
instead of always shoving it inside.

I am always the collector, I just
pick up feelings, and drag them along so
I’ll always have something to feed upon.

Well, things tend to accumulate
In this net that I’ve sewn
Stifling my determination
I’m just trying not to choke
On all your hurt that’s left unspoken.

You came in and knocked down all of my walls
then stepped in between and devoured my heart.
You trounced in and slaughtered without refrain.
Now my blood drenches your teeth and my soul burns in your eyes,
as you chew on my resolve and you tear off my pride.

I am always the collector, I just
pick up feelings, and drag them along so
I’ll always have something to feed upon.

I want to pull out your hair, and rip off your hide
and poison your lungs, as you breathe in your lies.
I’ll air out your pathetic words, and scorch your desire
I will siphon your spirit, and chew on your bones
I will crush your ambition, and destroy your insides.

I will beat you down, and slice you apart
and force you to watch as I carve out your heart.
I will brand your virulence deep onto your breast
then scream in defiance of reason and rest.
No longer will I own the stench of your filth.

I am always the collector, I just
pick up feelings, and drag them along so
I’ll always have something to feed upon.

Love is not enough to bear this inferno everyday
and endure the trampling of rage again and again.
Love is not enough to put my pieces back together
when it’s eating me inside and slowly wasting me away.
Why are parts of me condemned when I’m still dragging all your pain?

(greatful nod to NIN and Fleetwood Mac)

Hanging in the Balance

(6/18-29,7/14) revision in progress

Caught up
I check my past at the door.
We’ve been walking in this borrowed space
but will you let me go, if I walk away?
Or will you haunt my heart for always?
It’s so hard to breathe when
you keep standin' 'round my dreams.
I’ve been losing sleep for weeks, still
I keep running past my means.
I guess I got caught up in you.

Your heart won't let me leave you
but I gotta break these chains.
I feel a caustic fever burning deep within my chest,
incendiary pressure brews an ache I can’t digest.
My back is throbbing and my heart is racing
to shut me in....but I don't wanna win.

My soul is on fire and I can't take this pain away.
It's got me runnin, got me runnin
far past my means I just can't come clean.
When will I be ready to get past this scene?


('props to Anthony Hamilton, India Arie) to be continued...

Time Capsule

(5/09,7/09)
I'm thanking every star in the universe
for whatever brought me to you
I'll be forever humbled by your presence
knowing you've tamed my heart and shared yours too.

I may never realize what brought me to today
or ever understand what caused you to fray.
But I'll be forever humbled by your presence
knowing you changed my life, and I moved yours too

It seems that life's movement has lead me to this
but I find myself dreaming of all that I've missed.
I've watched my life streaming on each brush stroke
but my future will leave me if I can't learn to own.

I know that my heart can continue to thrive
through all of the darkness, and all of the tears.
For now I've put some love on layaway
to surrender to spirit and persevere for all time.



(wrote this a while back, recovered and decided to work on it again...)

Rounding the Prey

Free association/write/meditation.
Sometimes when things outside of yourself disturb you it leaves you feeling discouraged and helpless. In those moments, often it's enough just to vocalize it.. and that alone will take some of the power out of it.. helps for us to get things off our chest sometimes...(written 6/18)

These tears will build a trail to get me back home but I know that when I get there I'll still be alone. The world seems so bright but it still burns when I stand, I know that come nighttime I'll be haunted by my dreams. there's a sense of trepidation when I look around me, and I don't see or hear from anyone for miles.

I know that tomorrow I'll be alright, and I know that the next day I will still be just fine. But today seems like an eternity from everywhere else, like no other time exits until I move through. What if there is a time when the wall is too tall and I can't see over it, and I can't break through? What if tomorrow I don't make it to the other side but I'm stuck in yesterday failing to move. What if I get frozen and I just can't break free and I'm left behind for tomorrow and all the days to come?

It's hard for me to let it all go, sometimes I can take it but sometimes I just want to keel over and quit. Sometimes I just can't seem to push myself through when I know that my demons surround me like a shark circling and observing its prey before the attack. I Just want to be happy. Is that so hard? Will I always resort to hovering in order to not fall apart? When is tomorrow when today just won't seem to start?

"There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
And my self I have grown too weary to hate

The more I stay in here
The more it's not so clear
The more I stay in here
The more I disappear
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur..."-NIN "The Line Begins to Blur"

Circling

(Original July '08, revisited/revised 5/18/09)

I’m alright, I’m alright.. it only hurts when I breathe.
Home is a feeling I buried in you…
Now I dig and I crawl, scratch and I fall
just to regain my ability to be, to see, to feel.
My heart wanted me to stall, turn around and call
To return to even beats, to where I felt safe
But I left all that was familiar, when I walked away from you.

Today my chest still tightens, my mind still gets
Caught up, mixed up, confused and derailed
the times that I miss you are desperate and real.
I may have no pillow to rest my head
I have memories instead, my faith in you is dead.
I'm left with your shadows that linger in my dreams,
But I closed my book on loathing, when I walked away from you.

My home is where I make it, I've found the strength to see.
Still at times I doubt myself, but my heart is now at peace.
Although my outlook can be foggy and my energy may be coarse,
my spirit won't forsake me now, I find pure joy in living for me.
At times my scars distract me and my courage can run weak,
But I have the will to face my fears because my faith is in me.
Through the pain I found myself, when I walked away from you.

(in progress)

Unraveling

One underlying theme here is how my imagination/fantasy, reality and fears can often be closely tied together. Inspired by Bjork

When I see you walk away
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
Even though you haven't left
my stern mind won't rest in turn
when everything around me, is held up
by my yearning.

When I see you walk to me
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
When everything I've held inside
won't hide behind the walls I've learned.
When nothing inside me, is held in
by my discerning.

When I feel this disappear
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
I don't want a thing to change
but I fear that I'll lose everything.
Then my tender heart is scathed
by my suffering.

When I feel this growing
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
I'm like putty in your hands
and I want nothing but to feel.
Where nothing inside me, is dampened
by my reeling.

Then I see you vanish and
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
I know I saw something in your eyes
but now this dream is lost in time.
Now I'm left here open and denied
by this heart of mine.

Nine Ghosts of Lennox

This is piece of writing I just found that I put away. This one is from September 22nd, 2008. Definitely coming from a lot of frustration in dealing with social anxiety and other remnant symptoms from my continuing battle with PTSD. inspired/influenced by Annie Lennox and Nine Inch Nails

I’m losing ground, well you know
how this world can beat you down.
The mountain almost swallowed me whole,
yet I still did come around.
But I see too much, I feel too much, I bleed too much
I’m caught up by the Ghosts in my Machine

There is no medicine
For what’s eroding me
There is no way inside
To find what’s consuming me
What is breaking down the center
The very core of me.

Pure love can bind me
Other bright ones can lift me
And inspire me
But there is no one in this world
That can pull out this pain
That just keeps breaking me apart.

There is no set of directions
No self help book on tape
No worries that can change me
But I just keep on hanging here
As sparking, shiny bait
For all to come and take me
Come and break my heart away

Where’s the zipper or the seam
That puts a seal around my chest
Where’s the cord, a door to close
A way to get some rest?

Testing the Waters

"It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I can't mention...
...I'm not afraid things won't get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer...
...But life gives little relief
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clench my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that I'm not blind." -Good Intentions, Glen Phillips

"I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music
And it breaks my heart..."

When things get tough I don't close my eyes anymore. I remain firm on my path in life and remind myself that there is no reason to panic. Not only have I learned that I have what it takes to keep moving- but I've realized that things tend to work themselves out in the end. I know I will suffer at times, I know I will have doubts- and that is natural. What keeps me going is that I know in the end I will come around, and I will work through whatever challenges I face. Nothing supports faith and builds hope better than a calm and positive outlook and attitude, and an energetic and healthy appetite for happiness.

One of the the things that baffles me the most though, is how you two stay in my mind. Not so much why, because you both played such monumental roles in my life for so long- and we share so many cherished memories. Unfortunately, those memories are now tarnished by an incredibly traumatic end to our relationships....but you haven't left my mind since. As painful and infuriating as that has been to miss you both- all the days and nights I cried, screamed and reeled with the pain you both caused. Nothing can break my heart so extensively ... as those who I have loved the most- and those who loved me the most. I never thought I'd have to see a day without either of you- I still am confused at times as to the reality of this situation. Why did this have to happen? Why did this have to be a part of the journey for me? Why did this have to be the lesson I had to learn, and why with you? Especially one of you- the one I spent years upon years getting to know- years as each other's main confidante. Years upon years, approaching a decade loving each other and being the closest friends that there ever could be. I can't fill in the gaping hole you abandoned in my heart. There's nothing I can do to release that pain- or even to relieve it. It comes and goes in and out of my consciousness- but in one way or another I can never forget that spot you used to reside in my heart, that remains empty and cold. In my mind I can hold it in my hands, roll it around and observe for hours... and never understand why you aren't in it.. even though I know full well, intellectually anyway. Does this make me crazy? All I know is I never loved anyone fully- never with my entire being.. in the way that I loved (and still do love) you. Never did I have 'one foot on the ground' with you, I would have given you the shirt off my back, I would have taken a bullet for you, I would have done anything in this entire world for you.

"...And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love..
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall..
..my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better.."-Fidelity, Regina Spektor

I'm not so sure this particular thing will get better. I only hope the moments of pain will become further in between. That maybe some day I can find some resolution.. some closure. I have some regrets about the way I handled things, but I've had to move on and try to let go of those. Things are in the past and I have to move on. But I can't help but wonder- how is it that I have to move on without you? I don't regret having met you. I don't regret having loved you, I don't regret all the days we spent laughing and loving.. all the memories we've shared. I haven't forgotten all of the things you did to help me, all the things you did to keep me going when I lost my faith and when I was hurt. I will never forget all the things you said- in all of the moments I didn't realize how much I needed you- and even when I didn't need you. You were always there for me. Your love was amazing-- and I grew so much and learned so much from you and our friendship and companionship. I also can't forget how you turned your back on me and so easily betrayed me- after everything we've been through. I can't forget how you walked away and I haven't heard from you since, other than a one-lined email. I wonder if you think of me, I wonder what you hoped would come of this situation. I wonder how you handle all of this, and even if it IS infuriating- I wonder how you are doing......

"I'm caught up in the middle
But I'll take it to the end
It's comin back together
And it's breakin' down again
If I could find a reason
I'd say you were my friend
If I could find a reason
I'd say it once again...
..Bright lights
Come and go
Playin' blues songs on my radio
Shadows still appear
In the house tonight
Ghosts that come in from the past
All those ghosts that keep on comin' back
Slidin' through the walls
And my windows..." Through the Glass Darkly, Annie Lennox

Sometimes you find the answer for closure- in the one place you didn't look. Or, the moment you stop looking altogether. You found me expendible, I thought I could/would never find a better friend than you. I've learned gradually however- there has to be. I guess it had to be taken from me, I had to be betrayed- to know that cruelty and shameful behavior- there has to be better. I deserve better.

It Only Hurts When I Breathe...

"...and I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you.." -Melissa Ethridge

The pain reminds me I'm alive.. the pain grounds me in this journey I'm on. The pain reminds me just how genuine I really am. The pain shows me how to remember where I've come from- focus on where I'm at, and look forward to the future. The pain sometimes scares me with images of trauma, and tortures me with pangs of heartache. Sometimes it kicks me on my ass and shows me I'm insignificant in the grand scheme of things. In this world I am only one of many people struggling with their own personal challenges. In this world it isn't about showing you or anyone up with my strength, but rather being big enough to fight to be happy. There's no need to look around to who to give those positive feelings to, if I am truly happy I know others will be impacted by my energy without my having to force it.

There were so many of my yesterdays that I spent my faith on you. So many days where I invested all of my energy in your happiness. There were days where I grounded my feelings of home.... in you. I buried myself alive in kinship of the heart. I laid myself on the block to die, and gave my life to you- in my desperate longing for security, stability and sense of protection. I desperately grasped for you in a time where I felt I couldn't block out the evils of the world, like they could overcome me at anytime. I saw the world through your eyes and soul because I couldn't find or even feel my own. If home is a feeling and not a place, I thought I could only feel that vicariously through you. I thought that I'd never feel that in me again, unless I was with you. It wasn't until I emerged from the aftermath of betrayal, until my heart was broken that I truly felt my feet touch the ground. Home was so close that I could smell it.. and soon after the feeling and sounds of home followed. Home was inside of me, and I felt that more than I ever had before. I had arrived.

I spent a long time away... I left this feeling behind a long time ago and forgot it was even there. When I rediscovered it I had a hard time harnessing it. Everyday presents itself with more change and personal challenges. There is no way to feel more like myself than to feel at home inside my own walls though. I feel that and I look back on the past as a major turning point- another bend in the river. I have to appreciate the role that you and other people have played in my life, negative or positive because it has contributed to the process of me becoming more and more myself everyday. I take it with the good and the bad. I'd only want the same for others surviving with nothing but sheer will and any small glimpse of hope. For those who are suffering with pain that they cannot relieve, and fear that is suffocating. I feel for you...not out of sympathy, but because I've been there. The struggle isn't over either, but I feel fortunate to be where I am today. So speak up and out.. I'm listening. Home is in you, and even if a storm has blown it to bits, it will rebuild itself and you won't ever lose that. Even if you can't feel it or see it, it just takes a lot of patience and a little bit of faith to get through those times when it feels like all is lost.... you aren't lost. A home can be broken, blown down, robbed; a home can perish. But if you stay with it, stay with your self even when your soul is broken or 'lost,' a home can be rebuilt. A life lost cannot.. hang in there, and stay with you. Until you feel stable enough to rebuild your house- reach out. I'm not the only one looking to support you- but I am one person who is always willing to listen.