"...and I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you.." -Melissa Ethridge
The pain reminds me I'm alive.. the pain grounds me in this journey I'm on. The pain reminds me just how genuine I really am. The pain shows me how to remember where I've come from- focus on where I'm at, and look forward to the future. The pain sometimes scares me with images of trauma, and tortures me with pangs of heartache. Sometimes it kicks me on my ass and shows me I'm insignificant in the grand scheme of things. In this world I am only one of many people struggling with their own personal challenges. In this world it isn't about showing you or anyone up with my strength, but rather being big enough to fight to be happy. There's no need to look around to who to give those positive feelings to, if I am truly happy I know others will be impacted by my energy without my having to force it.
There were so many of my yesterdays that I spent my faith on you. So many days where I invested all of my energy in your happiness. There were days where I grounded my feelings of home.... in you. I buried myself alive in kinship of the heart. I laid myself on the block to die, and gave my life to you- in my desperate longing for security, stability and sense of protection. I desperately grasped for you in a time where I felt I couldn't block out the evils of the world, like they could overcome me at anytime. I saw the world through your eyes and soul because I couldn't find or even feel my own. If home is a feeling and not a place, I thought I could only feel that vicariously through you. I thought that I'd never feel that in me again, unless I was with you. It wasn't until I emerged from the aftermath of betrayal, until my heart was broken that I truly felt my feet touch the ground. Home was so close that I could smell it.. and soon after the feeling and sounds of home followed. Home was inside of me, and I felt that more than I ever had before. I had arrived.
I spent a long time away... I left this feeling behind a long time ago and forgot it was even there. When I rediscovered it I had a hard time harnessing it. Everyday presents itself with more change and personal challenges. There is no way to feel more like myself than to feel at home inside my own walls though. I feel that and I look back on the past as a major turning point- another bend in the river. I have to appreciate the role that you and other people have played in my life, negative or positive because it has contributed to the process of me becoming more and more myself everyday. I take it with the good and the bad. I'd only want the same for others surviving with nothing but sheer will and any small glimpse of hope. For those who are suffering with pain that they cannot relieve, and fear that is suffocating. I feel for you...not out of sympathy, but because I've been there. The struggle isn't over either, but I feel fortunate to be where I am today. So speak up and out.. I'm listening. Home is in you, and even if a storm has blown it to bits, it will rebuild itself and you won't ever lose that. Even if you can't feel it or see it, it just takes a lot of patience and a little bit of faith to get through those times when it feels like all is lost.... you aren't lost. A home can be broken, blown down, robbed; a home can perish. But if you stay with it, stay with your self even when your soul is broken or 'lost,' a home can be rebuilt. A life lost cannot.. hang in there, and stay with you. Until you feel stable enough to rebuild your house- reach out. I'm not the only one looking to support you- but I am one person who is always willing to listen.
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