I Came Across these Memories...

and when I looked closer at some of the writing I found- I realized some of the things I was struggling with a year ago- I still see in my life today. Yet other things have progressed more than I ever thought they could. Either way, its refreshing in a strange way (but also a bit disturbing) to see where I was at the time. I remember all too clearly what it felt like, as if it were only yesterday. The beginning of my struggle with PTSD is still very evident to me, and I'm still suffering with it today. I work through it and I've seen and continue to see much happier days- and I know that someday this will be a much more distant memory. Just helps every now and then to look back at where I've been- and then see where I am now. I am used to being driven, I am used to working through things. I'm not used to having any feeling of reinforcement for it though- I don't expect or ask for it. But in this case it means a lot to me. I thought this might be useful too- for other survivors looking to relate to others' experiences... knowing that amongst many other things- we share a lot of common struggles.

***1/9/08***
I feel like I'm bleeding.. always bleeding without knowing the source or why. I'm always hurting, the trick is being able to ignore it or not. I always feel anxiety, whether or not it shows. The only difference for me is whether I'm able to work through it or whether it overcomes me with fear, tears and anger. I'm very angry and irritable a lot of the time, not knowing when the suffering will end. Feeling incompetent at every turn, without the ability to communicate effectively with others and having fear about engaging in any type of social activity. I don't like to go too far from home anymore- and when I have to all I can think about is going back. If I'm able to fall asleep at night, I wake up a thousand times abruptly and have frequent (and often traumatizing) nightmares. No matter how much sleep I get I always have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I rarely to never feel rested. I feel needy all the time, craving physical contact constantly and I no longer feel safe being alone. Yet I don't like talking to people either, and even with my loved ones I find I can't engage in conversations for too long and I tend to look for ways to escape. Whenever a conversation enters a topic or idea that I'm uncomfortable with, my flight response kicks in immediately and I (quite literally) cannot continue.

Labyrinth
Walking through the path becomes quicksand
as the corners all look the same
and there is no hope around the bend.
With each moment a growing sense of panic sets in
and all I can think about is getting out
but with every step I only go back in.

Wounded
Veteran of a war that never was
carrying a corpse that's still alive.
Bleeding without any signs of injury
flashes of terror battling long after the war
has ended.

Heartbroken
Without reason, without a lost lover.
Grieving without loss of life
searching for the way to heal.
Sleepless nights wishing
this all would end.
__________________________________________

***1/10-1/11/08*** "All I Ask"
I'm not looking for you to save me,
not hoping that you'll make it all go away.
I'm not expecting you to look after me forever,
or sympathize with my "frame of mind."

I'm not saying you should understand,
nor do I want you to comprehend.
I have no desire for you to "take my pain away,"
or attempt to help carry the load.

I'm not asking you to motivate me,
not wishing you would "show me the way."
Without reason for pushing me to make it better,
I know I'll make it, just not today.

I'm not searching for one who will wait forever,
not believing you could "make me see."
I know inside that there are no answers,
just countless doubts and obstacles in front of me.

I'm not waiting for you to speak for me,
or to break down barriers on my behalf.
There's nothing I can say or do,
to make this nightmare disappear.

I know you can sense the grieving,
you hurt and I know that's real.
But I'm glad somehow, that you'll never grasp
how tangible my heartache is.

It's impossible to process what has occurred,
and the havoc its wreaked in my body and soul.
To realize that I'll never return to the way I was before,
I just hope to heal, to love, and to feel.

I'm not inspired to have an epiphany,
for I know in my heart it just won't come.
For once I can't rely on intellect or will,
I have to live this suffering and eventually work through.