Life Cycle of Eight

Eight,
has followed me my entire life.
Symbolizing birth, life, luck, identity,
and synonymous with
Chinese and Japanese cultures; wealth.

Eight symbolizes infinity.
A promise of renewal,
and also a promise of life always
following a cycle; that returns
to you, what you have invested in it.

Eight has also seen a lifetime occur,
in as many times within my spirit.
Eight times I return to myself to bear witness;
to the burning of old, and fertile welcoming of rebirth.

In eight years I have grown, more than I ever could or would have,
had this day, in as many years...not occurred.
This very day, in several of the first eight years-
translated into suffering, hiding, and nightmares.

Today, with eight years worth of perspective,
I stand in remembrance of innocence lost, and honor the woman I have become,
despite and because of my losses.
The passion, the wisdom, the fierceness, the resolve.

My dreams grew so much larger and greater than myself;
because of the lessons I learned having burned to ashes,
picked up my pieces, rejuvenating the simplified remains,
and enlisting the masters' wisdom to be reborn, in each of the last eight years.

Here I am. On the eighth year, when perhaps I may feel sorrow,
for the shattered heart of the 25 year old young woman I once was.
May my tears fall briefly, as I recall how painful that time was.

May I also rejoice, as this eight bends, and I with it-
into the cycle of this life I have created, through my own blood, sweat and tears.
Into this life I was gifted, and have continued to be blessed with-
this life that I wouldn't change a second of, for all the money in the world.

Eight years brought me suffering.
Eight years brought me nightmares, flashbacks,
lost lovers, fits of rage, confusion, anger, despair...

Eight years now brings me perspective, gratitude, growth, faith, sisters and brothers in survival,
my Phoenix, my writing, coming into the love of my cherished family and friends,
courage, thriving and most of all, the woman I am today.
Who I love more than I ever could have if my 25 year old heart wasn't shattered into so many tiny damned pieces.

Eight years it's taken me to live and thrive in my own skin.
Eight years to look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of who is looking back.
Eight years to realize that I have nothing to prove, to anyone but myself.
Eight years to discover that much of my beauty lies in my ability to be myself.
Eight years it's taken me to learn how to unlock so much love in this world, that is meant for me.
Eight years it's taken me to know that I deserve it...to be happy, and to be loved.
Eight years that I can now cherish, as I'm learning to do for the most sacred parts of me.
Eight years not only to believe that I can heal, but understanding it by seeing how I can heal others.

Those same parts that I thought were stolen from me, I had no idea how they would blossom
right out from under my ashes.
Eight years, I survived- and even greater, I am thriving.

Forgiving Darkness

If it's impossible to know what love is, without forgiving someone's darkness-- that certainly explains a lot of why I struggle to love myself at times. If It's impossible to know someone, without seeing their darkness, that would explain why I feel so empty still. I'm acquainted with my darkness, we dance and philosophize sometimes. Other times we meet each other in silence, honoring each others' presence without dialogue. Still other moments, I curse my darkness - and insult my integrity and ability to persevere - at the expense of my attention, hope, and faith. Writing is my only honesty ticket for my darkness, my connecting flight, my opener. I've been searching and taking inventory of my fears lately to gain insight into why I can't communicate directly with them, why I can't bring them to the forefront and allow others to see them, and to know me in that way. Forgiveness seems to be the missing party, the lost luggage so to speak. I can't absorb the love of others, nor all of the love around me, or at least a large portion of it because I am waterlogged by disdain, disapproval and judgment of my own darkness.  Even more importantly, I haven't been able to further develop my own ability to love myself, and I see now why forgiveness is a majority of the reason why. Toxicity becomes my environment without the outlet for my darkness, and there is no guarantee of muse, no cure-all for writer's block.  I know now that I need another way in. I've lived a long time, 33 years without another way in.  I started writing at 11, to document my suffering that I didn't understand at the time.  As I got older, the writing wasn't enough, and I sought outside help.  I became more versed in managing my mental health, and then as expected, life became more complicated. Today, my skills to manage certain aspects of my mental health, have proven to not be enough -- and suffering is getting the best of me, rearing its ugly head as exhaustion and burn out.

I've had moments, periods of time in my life when I felt that I was very strongly loving myself.  But I find that these states are not permanent, and if you aren't careful, you fall right out of them; as I have. I've forgotten how to love myself, and I'm not sure I've ever been able to love myself in the wild way that I love others.  And I understand that my hopeless romantic way of loving some others in my life, will never be replicated in my love for myself- as would be expected as I don't have that same relationship with myself. However, should I be able to love myself with similar fervor? Is the love that I deserve, from myself, of a different variety altogether?  What is the sign that will show me that enough is enough? Have I ever seen it before? If forgiveness is the missing party, it would seem that shame is the vehicle for my lack of forgiveness. I don't let other people see my darkness because I'm too busy protecting them from it, or perhaps I am only protecting myself - and instead only robbing them of seeing me.  I hide because I can't be sure that I can function outside of my darkness enough to be what I perceive as visible to others. I hide because of how I perceive myself to be intolerable to others.  Why am I ashamed of my darkness? In some ways I relate this to others' in my life in the past who have shown disdain for the intensity of my emotions.  Other's who have not known how to bear witness to my emotions without feeling responsible for them, others who are unable to bear witness to my emotions without feeling consumed by them.  I don't want anyone to bear any burden of what I feel, as I truly believe I was given this ability to feel so intensely, for a reason.  I don't want anyone to be hurt by the intensity of my emotions, because hurting myself is enough.  Searching for my way in... meditating with all of you.  Welcoming submissions, as always.  Be well, and find your way in as well, as I am searching for mine.

-Phoenix

Live Each Day

"We sang our hearts out like we wouldn't have to leave this moment." -For The Year (band)

They always say you should live each day like it's your last;
like the fear of death should be what moves us to appreciate each moment.
On the other hand, I think we should always live our life like we won't ever have to stop living at all.
Isn't that what joy is? The release of fear from what it will feel like when it's gone?
Joy is the release of the oppressive fear of vulnerability, otherwise known as the "unknown."
How can we ever really appreciate today if we're already thinking about when it will be over?
In this moment, does it ever truly matter how long it will last? Joy can never be measured in length, time, volume, pitch, intensity, weight or speed.
Joy is the beauty in the immeasurable, the treasure in the untouchable, and the epiphany in the intangible.
So why waste our time trying the unattainable, yet undesirable result of grasping that which we are not entitled?
Joy is a gift that only gives for an undisclosed amount of time.
We might as well fly by the seat of our pants and ride out each crazy second of bliss while it dances through our line of vision.
And if we do, may our lives in turn be blessed by the awareness that freedom is real, and possible.
The heights of having everything, bottled up in a moment licensed to no one, but available to anyone.
May our taste for joy never dampen by the trail that it leaves behind, for instead we can use it as a light-
to guide us through each moment knowing that it will greet us in good time as long as we remain open.

The beatings that life can bring make us all want to close our big hearts to the world,
yet its our entourage of protective walls keeping us from feeling the flight of wholehearted living.
The world tells us: don't feel, just live. Don't get caught up, hung up, let down or held down. Keep moving.
Joy tells us, stop thinking so much, let it go, lighten up, open up and breathe into the beauty. Open your eyes.
Open your heart, and don't be afraid to lose your mind every now and then,
because when you get it back clearer, you can never know what depths of joy available to you unless you're willing to take that leap into the unknown, and do so with reckless abandon.

Love you Bro.

Inspired

Inspired by warriors, friends, and the force that brought marriage equality to the Supreme Court!

You think we won't win,
and who I am is a sin?
You think I speak too loud,
and that I am just too proud?
You think it's shoving down your throat,
and believe my rights are your vote?
You think that I'll convert your child,
and that it's okay to condone my defiling?

The world now knows how you feel
and that your ignorance is real.
Marriage is not mine to steal
but your place in history will be revealed.


I'm looking at the flags over Boston today, in support of Marriage Equality at the DOMA Rally at City Hall. I feel proud that I am not devoting my life to robbing life from others who want to live freely, without shame. I am proud to be who I am, regardless of who I say it to, regardless of what the laws will "let me" do.

I'm comfortable to let history define me as a person who won't roll over and die in the face of rampant bigotry and prejudice. I won't stop. I won't give in, and I won't forget about the lives that are changed, hurt or much worse, from oppressive policies/laws/attitudes that put the lives and well being of American citizens, adults and defenseless children, at risk. I won't forget who has been hurt, and I won't forget the people I love, and I won't forget myself. Today and everyday, liberty was intended for everyone.

"When you know your worth, no one can make you feel worthless."

                                                DOMA Rally at the Boston City Hall Plaza 3/26/13

Using the trauma, so it will Never Use Me.

I know...deep within my bones that because of my own experience with trauma and being a survivor.. I am endlessly compelled to prevent and help heal trauma in others. Nobody deserves to suffer like that, and certainly not alone. It's an urgent need in me that feels almost tangible, that I can't explain....that moves me beyond any intention that I could ever have. This need in me moves me without my having to decide to stand- it is a part of me. It has been ever since I refused to let the trauma break me, and this need is as central to who I am as the heart that beats in my chest- and the spirit that keeps me alive.

Because of this and countless other reasons; the composition of who I am has changed more in the last four years than in the rest of my years combined. Everything from the complexion of my skin, to the way I walk, the way I hold myself, the thoughts I bear, the words I share, and the decisions I make. It almost seems...unfair... to say that anything good can result from the terrible traumatic events that I experienced. However, today- on this fourth anniversary.. I want to make a promise to myself that this year will be a year I can look back on and draw from. Not because I expect or even think that this journey is over for me, because it definitely is not. I know there are difficult days ahead that I can't predict or even understand right now. But I do want this year to be different; and I want it to be different in the way I work to heal myself, and believe in myself.

Sometimes it is difficult to believe that I have the knowledge and ability to defeat anxiety and other symptoms of PTSD. I feel disconnected, and fragmented today in ways that feel new to me. Each time I find myself on August 25th, it's like the first time I've ever been there. The symptoms aren't the same, and they aren't quite as severe or scarring as they used to be. However, I never can prepare myself for exactly how I'll feel. I can't even guarantee to myself that I'll understand why I'm feeling some of the things that I do, some of the things that I am right now. But if nothing else, I want to love myself a little more this year. I want to love myself in the way that I need to, to get through this day and all of the ones ahead. I want to know that next year, when I feel lost- I can think about today and realize- I'm okay. I'm okay... I'm okay. I'm doing this, and no matter how frightening this may feel. No matter how disturbing it is to know that some of the scars are still inside of me, even after all these years. I've been told.. "I bet you wish you could kill him" and "Don't you want to just cut him (the memories) free?" But this isn't about him anymore. It hasn't been for a very long time.

The emotional aftermath from what happened four years ago from today, was far more harmful and life changing than the actual event itself. I harmed myself in ways that I could not control, and emotionally it felt as if I was literally tearing apart, breaking into pieces. I couldn't rectify the broken parts inside of me, and I couldn't fathom living with the kind of pain that resulted from being violated, and shamed. I couldn't bear the state I lived in, I couldn't bear the feelings I had, and I couldn't cope with the memories without pictures, the sensations in my body that couldn't be explained with images or words. It tore me apart. And when I started to stand up again, started to brush myself off, I was so, very lost. I didn't know myself anymore; I felt like the person I was before, was gone. It was as if I had to learn to walk all over again, learn to relate to others, learn to share myself, and learn to let other people in. It was a painstaking process that took a good portion of the last four years. I still struggle to let people in at times. Eventually I figured out that my spirit was there all along, and if it wasn't, I sure as hell wouldn't have survived. But I did.

Today I want to say, I am still here. I am still in love with life, and I always will be. I still hurt at times, I still have fear at times, and I still am shaken at times. But each time I fall, I get right back up again and I want to use my ability to be strong- to lead me throughout my life. But even beyond that, I want the strength that I've also received from the love others have offered me, the support and the kindness- to bolster that need in me to give to others. There are so many other survivors out there and I feel as if you are a part of me, and I am a part of you. We're in this together- and let us share the light in ourselves that WILL NEVER GO OUT.

With love, tenderness and faith in the collective power of survivors--- be well.
-Phoenix

Electric Veins

So much energy courses through my veins around this time of year; that it causes almost completely unpredictable waves in my spirit that unscrew my consciousness, and set my mind ablaze. Regardless of the status quo, my state of being up until August, or the state of my life in general. When this time comes around...all bets are off.

So I'm checking in. Four years later. Today hasn't even arrived in the queue of twilights surrounding the anniversary. It's not for another 17 days. But the changes have already started. As I sit here with my hands shaking after a sleepless night with unbidden memories and a day on the verge of tears. As I find myself taking stock of where I've been, I realize that this is pretty typical for me to do, while writing entries in here. Be it an appraisal of the events in my life or my own assessment of my efforts to create a life for myself that remains in growth from the point of attention. Today, I don't know where to start. In some ways I have truly arrived in the pinnacle, and in others I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps. I've arrived in the pinnacle of my life in that I am working on my masters degree that will allow me to practice my true life's work. I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps in terms of my drive to cling to routine, my on-again-off-again relationship with my ability to relax, my anxious tendency to harbor my own emotions within the walls of my body....the last of which I can't do right now. The last of which is affecting my relationships and that is when it really starts to wreak havoc within my conscience. Just like it is right now.

Is this what each year will be like, come August? Will I feel stronger each year; will I feel disappointed each year? Each of the last four years has been a battle within myself. A battle between the peaceful, accepting side of myself and the driven, stubborn and even a little prideful side of myself. I've come a long way and worked harder than I ever thought I could, to make it to this day. I struggle to forgive such lengthy hiccups. I struggle to withhold judgment for myself. Even this meditation only scrapes at the surface, as I fear some of my bravery might have escaped me since 2008, when I found it in myself to create this website to release all that was hell-bent on defeating me; if I had let it. Perhaps the fourth anniversary comes with a challenge for me to reclaim my own courage and release the demons that are deep within my consciousness, and admit even to myself once again, that I am not alone.

Upside Down

Someday, someone's going to walk in your life...
...and turn it upside down.
You always told me that I oughta think twice,
before letting anyone in to my world.

Sometimes I sit inside of myself, during dry times of writing. A professor I had in college for a poetry workshop always told me you have to be able to "kill your babies" in order to write anything worthwhile when it comes to Poetry. The same goes for all mediums of art, in my eyes. Yes, this is a very disturbing saying.. personifying the artistic process of letting go. But sometimes the truth is harsh, and so is letting go- most times. I've got a few pieces in the works, that I've been working on since the beginning of June. Countless times I've gone back, sometimes adding a word here or there, sometimes a line. But sometimes I've left it for weeks realizing that I'm just not ready to finish it yet. I'm just not at the point in my journey where I have the words to finish it. Sometimes down the road I realize it was finished all along, and it just needs to be sharpened. Othertimes, it takes on all new life- and blossoms into something entirely different than what I originally intended.
It's just really difficult during these blank times- to be patient for the inspiration, and the words to start flowing again. At times I hit blank/writer's block times when I'm going through something particularly difficult. Other times, when I feel uninvolved and or depressed with the way my life is going. Right now, I certainly have plenty that is stressing me out, both of a positive nature- and a more concerning or confusing nature. This normally would be a fruitful, and bountiful time for my writing-- being that I have so much to draw from. But lately it's just not happening for me. What is it that YOU do, to get your writing rolling again? Freewrites? Dabble in other mediums? I'd love to hear from you.

I haven't closed the book, but I'm turning the page.

This has been an interesting last several days. Something of a switch has gone on (or off, depending on perspective) inside of me- where everything has changed. Everything around me looks differently, I feel differently, and I even appear differently.. in my own awareness. I'm not the same person I was a couple of days ago. I feel so many things right now that haven't changed any of the difficult things I've been dealing/coping with lately...or my reality in any sense... but they've certainly changed me. For one of the first times in my life, I can truthfully, honestly, and securely say- the only source of this ... epiphany (if that is what this is).. Is me. Nobody else came along and flipped a switch for me, held open a door for me, dug a little deeper inside of my many, complicated layers and protective walls...or even strengthened me by believing in me....I flipped this switch on my own. I did this using my own power, under my own volition; using my own thoughts and my own energy, sufficient in and of itself.

For the greater portion of my life, I wondered why I couldn't be my own source of inspiration, light and strength. I wondered why I could only stay open for so long- without losing the will, enlightenment, motivation, or courage... and have to close the door for a long time and recover, and recuperate. I wondered, without outside influence-- why I couldn't evolve, thrive, change and grow. Outside influence being anything from environment, circumstance, traumatic event or person in my life- making or inspiring change for me, or inspiring change by being present with or around me. But I was wrong... the one thing- I've always thought I understood- were emotions, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking- and what I need to do. I've always been opinionated, strong willed, and passionate about the things I say and do. But I was wrong, I was so, so very wrong. I am my light in every single way I wished I was, for so long. I am strong, in all of the ways I emulated in my role models and the great individuals I love and surround myself with. I have the motivation, to better myself, my life and all of the decisions I make, and the openness I allow for myself to feel joy, pain, desire and belief.. in myself. Most of all, I have the courage- to face absolutely anything- without losing sense of who I am, what I believe, and what I need to do to keep going and be happy. I can open the door to my own light, I can hold that door for as long as I need and/or want, and I can decide for myself when it's best to close it- and know that I'm doing what is best, and truly right for me. Without putting myself down for needing to rest, without criticizing and belittling myself as weak and emotionally unstable, and without selling myself short in terms of what I can do, and what I can cope with on my own. To believe in yourself is a powerful thing. "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Now I see an entirely different meaning in Roosevelt's words, and it wasn't anywhere close to what I thought it meant before. The stick, to me- is never, was never, and will never be an object or anything outside of my or any individual’s walls. The stick is me, and I am not just carrying myself, but I am.. myself and everything I need to be smart about what I need to do, how I'm going to do it, and believe in myself the entire way. Even if I don't feel that way right away, I will find the way.

Not to be mistaken, for self righteousness; I acknowledge, appreciate and am endlessly moved by the impact others have on how fruitful and fulfilling the nature of my life can be (and more often than not) is. My friends, my teachers, even those who have betrayed me have all played even larger parts than any one of them individually could have the capacity to understand. I am not alone in this world, and I am but one person, with a decidedly insignificant role in the universe as a whole. And it may be humorous to some (even myself in a strange way) for me to quote my own mother in a time like this, but as she always told me.. the only person I can control in this life is myself. That idea used to be the source of great frustration for me, being that others have the power to make my life very difficult. Not having control over your environment and the things that happen to you- can be a very daunting, intimidating and often painful thing. But the doors that open, from the freedom of that lack of control, are endless. The impact, you can have on others lives for greater or worse- is endless, when you stop trying to control everything that happens to you- or anyone else. Sometimes in this lifetime it seems I just have to take things as they come- but be decisive in what I want, how I act, and the beliefs I carry inside. When I do that, everything tends to fall into place- even if it doesn't always happen in a timely fashion, or in any sense of the order I wish it would.

There's someone in my life, who I had an incredible connection and relationship with that unfortunately ended and changed far sooner and more swiftly than I ever could have been prepared for. I am carrying a great deal of pain and grief presently, because of the loss of that friendship and connection. This person had such an extraordinary impact on my life, beyond what they could understand. Beyond what I have the capacity to fully appreciate yet, I'm very aware of this. And certainly far, far beyond anything that anyone else could pick up on simply by knowing me, this person, or the relationship we had. This person always amazed me, and would continue to do so should their presence be known in the more tangible sense. Even without them here, I still am amazed by what I find from all the things I have experienced thus far. What that person gave me were incredible and personal gifts that I have never known, and will never stop being moved by and grateful for.

There are gifts that I have discovered however, that surpass what this person had the ability to actually give me. I feel like they turned my attention towards one of the greatest gifts of all; on a path I had already started walking towards, myself. This person helped me find clarity in certain elements of my life that I never thought would ever be visible, and pieces of my life I never thought I'd be able to put together- just by being a part of my life. This person reminded me of things I had forgotten or didn't know how to listen to inside of myself, and reminded me not just that I could trust, but that I can continue to find (in myself) the light I need to survive all the darkness in myself AND in the world. I love myself now in a way I never thought possible. In that same way I care for and love others- in that way that I want to watch out for them, protect them, help them be happy and thrive. I want that for myself now. I care for myself in the way that I push myself when I need courage, and I comfort myself when I need to lay low for a while. I handle myself calmly, and soothingly in the face of chaos and trauma-- and I speak firmly in times of confusion and impulsive temptations. (as much as I can, I'm still improving) I hear myself when I have negative thinking, and I call myself on it. I know better now- I know who I am, I know what I need- I know what I can do- and I know what is wonderful about the person that I am. I don't let myself get away with the same abuse that I've shown myself all my life. I deserve better, and for the first time I can say that I actually believe it. We all need to accept and acknowledge that the way you treat yourself is synonymous with the way you will exist in any relationship, connection AND important event in your life. You can never find a truly fulfilling experience, girlfriend, boyfriend- or a deep, enlightening friendship-- without first being that- for yourself. Being open to being your own friend, appreciating what you do, how you feel, and what you think. Not just harboring your feelings and way of being in the world, but actually supporting it, believing it and nurturing your own abilities and awareness. Being open to the gifts that you can give yourself simply by truly appreciating everything around you. The joy; in every conversation you have with a close friend. The nuances; in the interpretation of a great book you can't put down. The colors; in a day filled with laughter and memories- the brightness of any day where you know you will always remember everyone in it, what everyone was doing, and everything that was said.

Pain is for and with everyone, we all experience it, we all struggle with it- and often can feel completely inept and held back by it. But, the important piece that is often missed altogether- is that the same thing goes for the other side of the spectrum.. joy. Joy is an experience that takes a good deal of trust, vulnerability, and willingness to take risks and make difficult decisions. JUST like dealing with and coping with pain. In order to be able to experience, let go of, learn from, and appreciate joy- we need to be able to experience, let go of, learn from and appreciate the pain too. Both, will return- and both will often cause the same confusion and feelings of not having the capacity to understand or even grasp for any extended period of time. But both, will continue to deliver the same amount of experience, passion and reward of being fully alive and unapologetically grateful for life itself and all that comes with it.

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Just bought a great album, if you are a fan of Dixie Chicks you'll definitely want to check the Court Yard Hounds out. Even if you aren't, I am a huge fan of singing harmonies and to hear these two, it's just gorgeous. I think it's great that they are sisters as well, it gives them a chemistry that you can't really replicate. The album deals with a lot of issues around loss and coping, and that is always something that catches my attention. I'm fascinated by the way people cope with challenges in their lives, as well as how they navigate through struggles towards being happy.

Certain music tends to come into my life at certain times. I'm not always a believer that everything happens for a reason, there are some things in life that reason just can't touch. But I do think that happens for a reason. Music inspires almost everything that I do, artistically speaking. 99% of my poetry is rhythmically based, inspired and/or infused... and a lot of what I listen to helps me interpret what's inside of my heart and mind that I can't seem to or don't want to vocalize. A lot of musicians will say that they make music to connect to others, and not only to express themselves. I feel I write the same way, first; to connect to myself, and second to connect to others who've lived through some of the same things. I've got a very, very big heart- and love with the best of them. I've got a never resting head, that's always thinking, processing, reasoning, imagining, and both of these parts of me can be exhausting at times. I'm an outgoing person, and very honest- sometimes to a fault. Most people who know me, know that I love to express myself and love a good long conversation. But what most don't understand is just how much I hold inside, and not always by choice. There are days where I just feel like I speak a different language, and that there isn't someone who truly understands me. This is where the writing comes from, and often times music helps me locate myself, and a new path inside the places in myself it is hard to visit. I encourage you all to do the same, find the things that bring out and encourage your expression.

"I am tired, Beloved,
of chafing my heart against
the want of you;
of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it."
~Amy Lowell, "The Letter"

Have any expressions or ideas to share? Please feel free to submit poems or other forms of art! My email address is on my profile.

Heal Yourself

Previously titled "Never Leave Lonely Alone"

"Unspoken rules of solitude wound without a trace, a lifetime of tears roll down your face. All that we can't say is all we need to hear. When you close your eyes does the world disappear? There's something in everyone, only they know- never leave lonely alone... It moves in the hidden ways of joy and sorrow, never leave lonely alone." - Ben Harper

There's so many words that I'm sure I could say- yet so many walls still get in my way. I've had so many times in the last two years that I've grown, healed and loved so much more than I could have before. I have a second chance at life it seems, and now I'm living like I want to- living in a way I believe in. I believe in myself and I believe in my ability to not only survive in this life- but to thrive.

I've had so many people in my life to support and encourage me, and stand by me when I really needed them. I've also had a lot of people disappear or walk out of my life. For those who have been there for me, whether you are still here or not; thank you. For all of your energy and thoughts you offered me, you are so very appreciated- and I will NEVER forget you, EVER. In these moments I am meditating on those who have loved and cared about me, and today I'm opening those stores of calming affection and support that they've so generously given me- to bolster my own. Today I'm walking with my stores of hurt, too. I'm walking with memories of a horrible, traumatic event in my life two years ago from today. Today I'm walking with what feels like a cinder block in my chest- but I know I just have to breathe because this is temporary. This day will be over soon and tomorrow I can look back and know I'm still okay. Today I'm walking with fear that still lives deep within my bones, even though I know there's nothing to be afraid of inside of me. Today I live with what sends shivers from my neck to the tips of my fingers- even though I know I'm strong enough to stand up through all of what may or may not come into my awareness. I know that this anxiety I feel, right now- will only live in my body for a short time. I just have to keep moving forward. I was reading a bit about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) recently and it was quite amazing how much it seemed like a road map of my last two years. Some of the things it summarized/mentioned happened early on but have since subsided. Many things still occur, and others have never happened to me and likely never will. Regardless, reading about it recently was a reminder--of it .. being okay that trauma still impacts me in several ways. It talks about the experience "...For a survivor to be told that what happened to them wasn't that bad, or...it was time that they were over it...reinforces the mistrust of everyone and (many) survivors (who) no longer can believe that the universe is fair or just." To me, I'm not sure I ever believed the universe was just- but I certainly know now more than ever that it isn't (naturally) so. I believe justice is something that we as humans create or neglect. Unfortunately, in the case of survivors- it just happens to be an area that is so sorely neglected it is as if most people in this country don't even know (or just don't want/choose not to know) I exist. Don't even hear any of the voices of countless survivors that are their wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, daughters, mothers, husbands, grandchildren etc. They don't want to know. Neither do I, to be honest, but it happened to me. I can't ever take that away, I can't ever forget. I look around and I see so many survivors around me who also are ignored, and treated like a bedsore. Today I'm also reminded of that, and that hurts too.
I spoke to a cherished person in my life yesterday about how to handle the two year anniversary of such a horrifying day. This is someone who's steadfast support has driven me to not just move past what happened, but to use it as motivation.

"...heal yourself with positive thinking, self-compassion, and self-care. We are all gifted with this ability. You now have an opportunity to demonstrate to yourself the presence of this ability..."

Today I don't wish for redemption for what occured, and I don't hope for revenge. I would never ask to be saved, and I don't want to pretend it never happened. It would be much too easy to just shut down and "dissociate" from these feelings as I did for so long, just to get by. I can't and refuse to do that anymore, but that certainly doesn't make it any easier to face my feelings at times like today. Just as with anything else, in any other aspect of my life- in the big picture I just want to live. I just want to be happy like everyone else, and some days that is harder than others. Today, I have a simpler focus. Just breathe. Just breathe....

"...Yes, breathe into the heaviness in your chest and sit with whatever comes to you from that place. You have survived the worst of it. Now it is time to recognize the survivor that you are..."

It just aches...

Just as these thoughts cross my mind- of what will come seven days from now.... my heart aches. Hours upon hours, day after day, month after month, year after a year.. I've built a little higher. I've glued countless pieces of myself back together to the point that I'm finally starting to see myself as "whole" again. I've found new bits of joy in places that were previously dark. I've uncovered soft painful places in the parts of me I thought were "safe," and brought them to the light where I can ease the hurt. I've brought a kind of healing in my life that makes me realize, I am my life force. I am my healing, I am my love, and I am my pain. I am everything I make, everything I do, everything I say-- and everything I dream .. for me to be.. I am. But I still remember what it felt like when I felt my heart break, over and over and over.. so deeply I decided I would never get it back. After two years I wonder when will the distance be long enough... when will this just be a shadow I've left far behind me?

When can I speak of all things, grasp all memories and harness my emotions without feeling the sting- the throbbing of my scarred heart? There's no scar tissue that shows up on a wounded psyche, no laceration or broken bone to bind on a shattered spirit. Nothing (almost) to connect to how I feel inside, for me or for anyone around me. What else can I do? I don't want to look around inside of myself and always find walls between me and certain parts of my inner world. I don't want to always see walls between me and the rest of the outside world, including those closest to me. I don't want to continue living double lives- always having to switch between living in my daydreams, fantasies or my intellectual (or even physical at times) distractions; to my world that connects me with the people/things/responsibilities in my life. Living this double life leaves me feeling that I can never truly, genuinely be my entire self in either world.

I know I have to give myself credit for all the work I've done to better my situation, by striving to heal and grow as a person. I have to appreciate myself for my commitment to working through some of the issues of my past, related to what happened two years ago and other unrelated events in my life prior to that. I have to respect myself for my initiative; with goals in mind of freeing myself from blocks, tension, trauma and repressed emotions that have hindered my well-being for far too long. I have to forgive myself for my indiscretions, my struggle, faults, mistakes, my fear and neglect- and realize how difficult it is, and how strong I've had to be (and am) to decide that I want better. I want a better life for myself, and I deserve a better life than I've had thus far- with more love, compassion, patience and support than I've given myself before. I can't say it's always easy to remember to be gentle, to take a deep breath and realize that nothing is the end of the world. Right or wrong, success or failure I'll always reach the heights that I set out to. I'm grateful I've had some genuinely caring and supportive people in my life to remind me of a lot of these things when I forget.

I want to learn to give my heart, my spirit and all of my inner world- the kind of companionship that I could never find in another person. I want to know where the road travels in the journey of learning to love myself... more each day- and holding on to that when things get tough.

Two Years and a Lifetime

The 2nd anniversary of one of the most violent, heartbreaking events in my entire life is approaching. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it. It's hard to believe that two whole years have gone by, but it's equally as difficult to fully appreciate all the progress I've made and how far I've come. Some days I am full of pride- other days I can only acknowledge how long the road is ahead- and how far I need to go. I've learned a lot of lessons along the way- I've learned that things I've done in my life seem to perpetuate the trauma I've experienced. I've learned that living with PTSD is like living with a metastasizing tumor at times...I never know when it might pop back up, never know when my skeletons might jump out of the closet and make an appearance. I never really know if it is gone, never really know if it will return. If I don't take care of myself, it just eats me up inside. If I think about it too much and interfere with my body's natural process- it only exacerbates the problem. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way, I've created incredible triumphs in my life as well. I've grown, I've hurt, I've had joy- and I've suffered. I've loved, and I've hated.. I've sung, and I've screamed. I often ask myself, what now? What do I do with the emotions that still live inside me? What do I do to deal with the fear of approaching .. unfamiliar territory?

Last year on the one year anniversary, I had some very .. tangible flashbacks. I experienced memories in which I could literally feel, touch, smell and see what happened to me. I remembered parts of the night that I had previously blacked out- parts of the night that pieced together the sequence of events of when I was raped the night of August 25, 2007. I remembered some of the things he said, remembered how it felt when he forced himself on me. The smile on his face, the taunting words, the disgust I felt. The shame was potent, and I could literally feel it just as I had a year before that day. It stirred me up inside so violently that it is almost as if I experienced it all over again. I lived in fear all over again, and felt traumatized by the fact that .. this rape .. was over but yet it felt as if it never really stopped happening. It made me doubt that my protections, my security was enough.. I wondered if my strength was enough to keep me going. I wondered if the fear would ever go away, or if I would never be able to let go. Or maybe it wasn't about me letting go at all, maybe I could never change the grip these events had on me. Maybe I just had to wait until it let go of me?

Five months ago I returned to the campus of the university I attended, returned to the community that welcomed and cultivated such a huge part of my life and who I am as a person. I gave so much of myself while there, and I was a trained advocate and helped many survivors with their healing process.. and recovering right after being raped or assaulted. I was the first person that many of them spoke to, after living a nightmare. After being attacked, after being violated. I returned to that place that created a hope inside of me, created a lifetime of devotion to helping survivors. I returned to a place with a new devotion- to help myself. I took a huge step in healing that day, in a way I didn't fully comprehend until after it was over. I shared my story for the first time, in a room of over 100 people. It was the first time I shared my experiences with more than two people at a time. I stood up in front of all those people, with my sister at my side, and I talked about what happened to me. I surprised myself at how strong I was, the courage it took to walk up onto that platform and speak of my horror. I had patience and compassion for myself when I had to stop a few times because I choked up with tears and when I lost my breath. I had the new found comfort with silence with me in those moments, and shared as much in those moments as I did in all of the ones I spent talking. A few women came up and hugged me after I spoke- even though they were complete strangers. They thanked ME, and I was so incredibly moved and humbled by that experience. I helped them, and I never knew I could in the way that I did. It felt .. so wonderful. I knew I made a difference, and I knew I was moving forward. I loved, appreciated and respected myself a little bit more that day.. I grew as a person that day. I blossomed, and I was rejuvenated in a beautiful way.

I just want to bring a little more hope with me this year, a little more love, a little more compassion and faith with me as this anniversary approaches. I can't predict how it will feel, I can't predict what will happen. I can only stay in my corner and take each moment as it comes. I don't live in fear anymore- and I am working to have faith in myself-- knowing that I don't have to fear it anymore. I just wanted to share... thanks as always for reading. Please feel free as always to share your stories, artwork, poetry or anything you wish to submit. I'm happy to hear from you!

Rounding the Prey

Free association/write/meditation.
Sometimes when things outside of yourself disturb you it leaves you feeling discouraged and helpless. In those moments, often it's enough just to vocalize it.. and that alone will take some of the power out of it.. helps for us to get things off our chest sometimes...(written 6/18)

These tears will build a trail to get me back home but I know that when I get there I'll still be alone. The world seems so bright but it still burns when I stand, I know that come nighttime I'll be haunted by my dreams. there's a sense of trepidation when I look around me, and I don't see or hear from anyone for miles.

I know that tomorrow I'll be alright, and I know that the next day I will still be just fine. But today seems like an eternity from everywhere else, like no other time exits until I move through. What if there is a time when the wall is too tall and I can't see over it, and I can't break through? What if tomorrow I don't make it to the other side but I'm stuck in yesterday failing to move. What if I get frozen and I just can't break free and I'm left behind for tomorrow and all the days to come?

It's hard for me to let it all go, sometimes I can take it but sometimes I just want to keel over and quit. Sometimes I just can't seem to push myself through when I know that my demons surround me like a shark circling and observing its prey before the attack. I Just want to be happy. Is that so hard? Will I always resort to hovering in order to not fall apart? When is tomorrow when today just won't seem to start?

"There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
And my self I have grown too weary to hate

The more I stay in here
The more it's not so clear
The more I stay in here
The more I disappear
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur..."-NIN "The Line Begins to Blur"

You, you, you, you and who else? Just you.

Yet another piece/freewrite I forgot about! I've never been the best at dealing with anger, but sometimes bringing every piece of your anger out and just expressing it without hesitation is JUST as good as confronting the person/cause of the anger. Sometimes it just makes it worse to face that person/cause. This, was my attempt to release all of it. Written on August 18-19th of 2008.

Why is it always about you being hurt? You betrayed me, you lied, you ignored me, you forgot to try. I never listened to those who warned, who wondered about your sicknesses- and hated when I cried. I looked to you with pride, with protection, so pure. You looked back with contention, with anger, with piercing words so cruel. Even when you looked away, even when you shunned- even when you lashed out, even when you shut me out. By your side I remained, I promised I’d wait forever. Even when my world fell apart, I still thought of you. Even when my heart was shattered, I still had room for you. Even when you lost your desire, I still had some to spare. Even when you spurred my wishes, my patience remained firm. Even when I told you I was unhappy, all you could think about was you. When I reached to hold you when your world went dark, you shoved me away and turned to another. You lied, you lied- again and again. You repeated and shunned my awareness, and you lied again. I knew in my heart, but neglected to listen. You knew in yours too- but oh the lies did they glisten? Your eyes and your heart were taken from me, but not by another the culprit is you. You look to me now with fear, but my sources have run out. No thief to blame, no words of shame, and this pain is yours- and yours alone. I would pick you up when you were feeling down; look into those dark eyes with the courage to smile. I would lift you up when your spirits went dim, and then I’d have to fight and scramble for a hole to climb in. You hurt and you cried, the world shook your will to survive- but the one that stood by you all along- you pushed to the side. No worries of the pain you caused, no time left for me- your love stalled so long ago- leaving NOTHING for me. You scream and you cry, reach out to my side- you lash out like a spurned lover- abandoned, abused. It was YOU that left not just three weeks ago, but more than a year. It was YOU that left me, ignored me, hung up on me, and walked away. It was YOU that turned cold, when I needed you the most. It was YOU that despised, that criticized and cursed. It was YOU that turned away it was YOU with the knife. It was YOU that took the easy way out; it was YOU that decided your love had run out. It was YOU that decided to keep your feelings inside; it was YOU that left me alone in the night. You step back and realize how much you have lost, but fail to remember the time that you tossed. You cry like a victim, your world is too harsh- but this is the blanket you’ve chosen to cover your eyes. You pull away and deny, but the damage is done- with blood on your hands, you STILL blame the gun. No matter the damage, no matter how hard I cry- you fail to even feel it, while you stumble and whine. You know what you’ve done and feebly attempt to apologize, then turn and blame me for calling out your lies. I trusted my life with you and you could just walk in and slice til you cut me apart, then you turn back just to finish my heart. This time I won’t worry, my attention is with me. I’m shaken, I’m hurt, I’m scared and unsure. You won’t let me forget, although you already left- given chances to be true you took them all down with you, but no longer can you pull me down too. The one thing I take with me isn’t my faith or my pride; you gave me no choice but to leave those behind. You can have them go ahead, take them inside. I leave them with all the mistakes that I’ve made, because I’m no saint and I ACKNOWLEDGED this time after time. But when the day is through and I go to sleep in the night- I know I gave all I had with love as my guide. I praised you, told you, remembered and tried, to bless you with kisses and cards; reminders that I always would give you my heart. Not just when I had enough, everyday by your side- even when I was unhappy and my patience was fried. You made your decision and that is enough, and I know that I will be happy- I know now this is right.

Now is the time, to bring it all home. At once I felt nothing, I saw only what I’ve lost. But I feel that I’m winning, this battle of spirit I’ve had with myself. Divided by pain and held back by my heart. Your fitful betrayal caused our friendship to be frayed, I know I can’t save it and I don’t want things that way. Now is my time to begin at the start, not worry about tomorrow when we are apart. I’ve decided to stand up on my own two feet, and move through the black times to discover the light. Whether you are with me; a friend, or we stay apart- never again will I abandon my heart. This world left me reeling and split open my soul, flushed my spirit & life down an endless black hole. Through death in hell I succumbed to the fire- yet I am reborn and ascending much higher. I wish you the best, to continue this fight- to discover your peace and the strength through defeat. No matter the wound you’ve sliced in to my heart, no piercing words will deceive me to bow to the heat. One day I trust that you could find your heart & know you don’t have to lose it to know that you had it good.

Likes and Dislikes

To be positive. Likes:
-The Red Sox
-When the Red Sox win
-Red Sox in the World Series
-HD TV
-Patriots in the Super Bowl
-Hugs
-Kisses
-Cuddles
-other intimate activities :)
-Chocolate ice cream
-Colorful flowers
-Summer dusk
-walking barefoot
-Playing sports
-Being outside
-video games
-Loving everyone in my life (not including those just around me in the world. Just those who I care about in my small space here in the world) including myself... (trying to)
-Making people laugh
-When I win any type of competitive activity.
-Winning money, or tickets, making money.
-Red Cars

Dislikes:
-Irrational fears
-Loquacious ignorant people
-People who shove their religion down others throats
-Doing the dishes
-Migraines
-Repressed emotions, metastasizing bodily tension
-No protection in this thin skin
-Male strangers who call you "honey" or "dear"
-Inconsiderate people
-Passive aggression
-People who "beat around the bush"
-Those who don't stand up for themselves
-Women who feign the "dumb blonde" persona for attention
-Men who think they are "God's gift to the earth"
-Writers Block
-Not caring
-Lack of motivation
-Self-doubt
-Lonliness
-Insecurities

These are in no particular order... Nor is this a complete list. Certainly a good list for what's been on my mind. What is it that brings the balance between the good and bad in life? I've always told myself it was perspective. Perspective can change the outcome of events/occurances in life, good or bad. Sometimes it seems harder to tap into what my perception is exactly. Sometimes I think I understand the way I think, other times it seems there's someone else inside my walls doing the thinking for me. I'm not sure I'm acquainted to this person, I'm not sure I invited them in.....