I haven't closed the book, but I'm turning the page.

This has been an interesting last several days. Something of a switch has gone on (or off, depending on perspective) inside of me- where everything has changed. Everything around me looks differently, I feel differently, and I even appear differently.. in my own awareness. I'm not the same person I was a couple of days ago. I feel so many things right now that haven't changed any of the difficult things I've been dealing/coping with lately...or my reality in any sense... but they've certainly changed me. For one of the first times in my life, I can truthfully, honestly, and securely say- the only source of this ... epiphany (if that is what this is).. Is me. Nobody else came along and flipped a switch for me, held open a door for me, dug a little deeper inside of my many, complicated layers and protective walls...or even strengthened me by believing in me....I flipped this switch on my own. I did this using my own power, under my own volition; using my own thoughts and my own energy, sufficient in and of itself.

For the greater portion of my life, I wondered why I couldn't be my own source of inspiration, light and strength. I wondered why I could only stay open for so long- without losing the will, enlightenment, motivation, or courage... and have to close the door for a long time and recover, and recuperate. I wondered, without outside influence-- why I couldn't evolve, thrive, change and grow. Outside influence being anything from environment, circumstance, traumatic event or person in my life- making or inspiring change for me, or inspiring change by being present with or around me. But I was wrong... the one thing- I've always thought I understood- were emotions, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking- and what I need to do. I've always been opinionated, strong willed, and passionate about the things I say and do. But I was wrong, I was so, so very wrong. I am my light in every single way I wished I was, for so long. I am strong, in all of the ways I emulated in my role models and the great individuals I love and surround myself with. I have the motivation, to better myself, my life and all of the decisions I make, and the openness I allow for myself to feel joy, pain, desire and belief.. in myself. Most of all, I have the courage- to face absolutely anything- without losing sense of who I am, what I believe, and what I need to do to keep going and be happy. I can open the door to my own light, I can hold that door for as long as I need and/or want, and I can decide for myself when it's best to close it- and know that I'm doing what is best, and truly right for me. Without putting myself down for needing to rest, without criticizing and belittling myself as weak and emotionally unstable, and without selling myself short in terms of what I can do, and what I can cope with on my own. To believe in yourself is a powerful thing. "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Now I see an entirely different meaning in Roosevelt's words, and it wasn't anywhere close to what I thought it meant before. The stick, to me- is never, was never, and will never be an object or anything outside of my or any individual’s walls. The stick is me, and I am not just carrying myself, but I am.. myself and everything I need to be smart about what I need to do, how I'm going to do it, and believe in myself the entire way. Even if I don't feel that way right away, I will find the way.

Not to be mistaken, for self righteousness; I acknowledge, appreciate and am endlessly moved by the impact others have on how fruitful and fulfilling the nature of my life can be (and more often than not) is. My friends, my teachers, even those who have betrayed me have all played even larger parts than any one of them individually could have the capacity to understand. I am not alone in this world, and I am but one person, with a decidedly insignificant role in the universe as a whole. And it may be humorous to some (even myself in a strange way) for me to quote my own mother in a time like this, but as she always told me.. the only person I can control in this life is myself. That idea used to be the source of great frustration for me, being that others have the power to make my life very difficult. Not having control over your environment and the things that happen to you- can be a very daunting, intimidating and often painful thing. But the doors that open, from the freedom of that lack of control, are endless. The impact, you can have on others lives for greater or worse- is endless, when you stop trying to control everything that happens to you- or anyone else. Sometimes in this lifetime it seems I just have to take things as they come- but be decisive in what I want, how I act, and the beliefs I carry inside. When I do that, everything tends to fall into place- even if it doesn't always happen in a timely fashion, or in any sense of the order I wish it would.

There's someone in my life, who I had an incredible connection and relationship with that unfortunately ended and changed far sooner and more swiftly than I ever could have been prepared for. I am carrying a great deal of pain and grief presently, because of the loss of that friendship and connection. This person had such an extraordinary impact on my life, beyond what they could understand. Beyond what I have the capacity to fully appreciate yet, I'm very aware of this. And certainly far, far beyond anything that anyone else could pick up on simply by knowing me, this person, or the relationship we had. This person always amazed me, and would continue to do so should their presence be known in the more tangible sense. Even without them here, I still am amazed by what I find from all the things I have experienced thus far. What that person gave me were incredible and personal gifts that I have never known, and will never stop being moved by and grateful for.

There are gifts that I have discovered however, that surpass what this person had the ability to actually give me. I feel like they turned my attention towards one of the greatest gifts of all; on a path I had already started walking towards, myself. This person helped me find clarity in certain elements of my life that I never thought would ever be visible, and pieces of my life I never thought I'd be able to put together- just by being a part of my life. This person reminded me of things I had forgotten or didn't know how to listen to inside of myself, and reminded me not just that I could trust, but that I can continue to find (in myself) the light I need to survive all the darkness in myself AND in the world. I love myself now in a way I never thought possible. In that same way I care for and love others- in that way that I want to watch out for them, protect them, help them be happy and thrive. I want that for myself now. I care for myself in the way that I push myself when I need courage, and I comfort myself when I need to lay low for a while. I handle myself calmly, and soothingly in the face of chaos and trauma-- and I speak firmly in times of confusion and impulsive temptations. (as much as I can, I'm still improving) I hear myself when I have negative thinking, and I call myself on it. I know better now- I know who I am, I know what I need- I know what I can do- and I know what is wonderful about the person that I am. I don't let myself get away with the same abuse that I've shown myself all my life. I deserve better, and for the first time I can say that I actually believe it. We all need to accept and acknowledge that the way you treat yourself is synonymous with the way you will exist in any relationship, connection AND important event in your life. You can never find a truly fulfilling experience, girlfriend, boyfriend- or a deep, enlightening friendship-- without first being that- for yourself. Being open to being your own friend, appreciating what you do, how you feel, and what you think. Not just harboring your feelings and way of being in the world, but actually supporting it, believing it and nurturing your own abilities and awareness. Being open to the gifts that you can give yourself simply by truly appreciating everything around you. The joy; in every conversation you have with a close friend. The nuances; in the interpretation of a great book you can't put down. The colors; in a day filled with laughter and memories- the brightness of any day where you know you will always remember everyone in it, what everyone was doing, and everything that was said.

Pain is for and with everyone, we all experience it, we all struggle with it- and often can feel completely inept and held back by it. But, the important piece that is often missed altogether- is that the same thing goes for the other side of the spectrum.. joy. Joy is an experience that takes a good deal of trust, vulnerability, and willingness to take risks and make difficult decisions. JUST like dealing with and coping with pain. In order to be able to experience, let go of, learn from, and appreciate joy- we need to be able to experience, let go of, learn from and appreciate the pain too. Both, will return- and both will often cause the same confusion and feelings of not having the capacity to understand or even grasp for any extended period of time. But both, will continue to deliver the same amount of experience, passion and reward of being fully alive and unapologetically grateful for life itself and all that comes with it.