Heal Yourself

Previously titled "Never Leave Lonely Alone"

"Unspoken rules of solitude wound without a trace, a lifetime of tears roll down your face. All that we can't say is all we need to hear. When you close your eyes does the world disappear? There's something in everyone, only they know- never leave lonely alone... It moves in the hidden ways of joy and sorrow, never leave lonely alone." - Ben Harper

There's so many words that I'm sure I could say- yet so many walls still get in my way. I've had so many times in the last two years that I've grown, healed and loved so much more than I could have before. I have a second chance at life it seems, and now I'm living like I want to- living in a way I believe in. I believe in myself and I believe in my ability to not only survive in this life- but to thrive.

I've had so many people in my life to support and encourage me, and stand by me when I really needed them. I've also had a lot of people disappear or walk out of my life. For those who have been there for me, whether you are still here or not; thank you. For all of your energy and thoughts you offered me, you are so very appreciated- and I will NEVER forget you, EVER. In these moments I am meditating on those who have loved and cared about me, and today I'm opening those stores of calming affection and support that they've so generously given me- to bolster my own. Today I'm walking with my stores of hurt, too. I'm walking with memories of a horrible, traumatic event in my life two years ago from today. Today I'm walking with what feels like a cinder block in my chest- but I know I just have to breathe because this is temporary. This day will be over soon and tomorrow I can look back and know I'm still okay. Today I'm walking with fear that still lives deep within my bones, even though I know there's nothing to be afraid of inside of me. Today I live with what sends shivers from my neck to the tips of my fingers- even though I know I'm strong enough to stand up through all of what may or may not come into my awareness. I know that this anxiety I feel, right now- will only live in my body for a short time. I just have to keep moving forward. I was reading a bit about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) recently and it was quite amazing how much it seemed like a road map of my last two years. Some of the things it summarized/mentioned happened early on but have since subsided. Many things still occur, and others have never happened to me and likely never will. Regardless, reading about it recently was a reminder--of it .. being okay that trauma still impacts me in several ways. It talks about the experience "...For a survivor to be told that what happened to them wasn't that bad, or...it was time that they were over it...reinforces the mistrust of everyone and (many) survivors (who) no longer can believe that the universe is fair or just." To me, I'm not sure I ever believed the universe was just- but I certainly know now more than ever that it isn't (naturally) so. I believe justice is something that we as humans create or neglect. Unfortunately, in the case of survivors- it just happens to be an area that is so sorely neglected it is as if most people in this country don't even know (or just don't want/choose not to know) I exist. Don't even hear any of the voices of countless survivors that are their wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, daughters, mothers, husbands, grandchildren etc. They don't want to know. Neither do I, to be honest, but it happened to me. I can't ever take that away, I can't ever forget. I look around and I see so many survivors around me who also are ignored, and treated like a bedsore. Today I'm also reminded of that, and that hurts too.
I spoke to a cherished person in my life yesterday about how to handle the two year anniversary of such a horrifying day. This is someone who's steadfast support has driven me to not just move past what happened, but to use it as motivation.

"...heal yourself with positive thinking, self-compassion, and self-care. We are all gifted with this ability. You now have an opportunity to demonstrate to yourself the presence of this ability..."

Today I don't wish for redemption for what occured, and I don't hope for revenge. I would never ask to be saved, and I don't want to pretend it never happened. It would be much too easy to just shut down and "dissociate" from these feelings as I did for so long, just to get by. I can't and refuse to do that anymore, but that certainly doesn't make it any easier to face my feelings at times like today. Just as with anything else, in any other aspect of my life- in the big picture I just want to live. I just want to be happy like everyone else, and some days that is harder than others. Today, I have a simpler focus. Just breathe. Just breathe....

"...Yes, breathe into the heaviness in your chest and sit with whatever comes to you from that place. You have survived the worst of it. Now it is time to recognize the survivor that you are..."