It just aches...

Just as these thoughts cross my mind- of what will come seven days from now.... my heart aches. Hours upon hours, day after day, month after month, year after a year.. I've built a little higher. I've glued countless pieces of myself back together to the point that I'm finally starting to see myself as "whole" again. I've found new bits of joy in places that were previously dark. I've uncovered soft painful places in the parts of me I thought were "safe," and brought them to the light where I can ease the hurt. I've brought a kind of healing in my life that makes me realize, I am my life force. I am my healing, I am my love, and I am my pain. I am everything I make, everything I do, everything I say-- and everything I dream .. for me to be.. I am. But I still remember what it felt like when I felt my heart break, over and over and over.. so deeply I decided I would never get it back. After two years I wonder when will the distance be long enough... when will this just be a shadow I've left far behind me?

When can I speak of all things, grasp all memories and harness my emotions without feeling the sting- the throbbing of my scarred heart? There's no scar tissue that shows up on a wounded psyche, no laceration or broken bone to bind on a shattered spirit. Nothing (almost) to connect to how I feel inside, for me or for anyone around me. What else can I do? I don't want to look around inside of myself and always find walls between me and certain parts of my inner world. I don't want to always see walls between me and the rest of the outside world, including those closest to me. I don't want to continue living double lives- always having to switch between living in my daydreams, fantasies or my intellectual (or even physical at times) distractions; to my world that connects me with the people/things/responsibilities in my life. Living this double life leaves me feeling that I can never truly, genuinely be my entire self in either world.

I know I have to give myself credit for all the work I've done to better my situation, by striving to heal and grow as a person. I have to appreciate myself for my commitment to working through some of the issues of my past, related to what happened two years ago and other unrelated events in my life prior to that. I have to respect myself for my initiative; with goals in mind of freeing myself from blocks, tension, trauma and repressed emotions that have hindered my well-being for far too long. I have to forgive myself for my indiscretions, my struggle, faults, mistakes, my fear and neglect- and realize how difficult it is, and how strong I've had to be (and am) to decide that I want better. I want a better life for myself, and I deserve a better life than I've had thus far- with more love, compassion, patience and support than I've given myself before. I can't say it's always easy to remember to be gentle, to take a deep breath and realize that nothing is the end of the world. Right or wrong, success or failure I'll always reach the heights that I set out to. I'm grateful I've had some genuinely caring and supportive people in my life to remind me of a lot of these things when I forget.

I want to learn to give my heart, my spirit and all of my inner world- the kind of companionship that I could never find in another person. I want to know where the road travels in the journey of learning to love myself... more each day- and holding on to that when things get tough.