You, you, you, you and who else? Just you.

Yet another piece/freewrite I forgot about! I've never been the best at dealing with anger, but sometimes bringing every piece of your anger out and just expressing it without hesitation is JUST as good as confronting the person/cause of the anger. Sometimes it just makes it worse to face that person/cause. This, was my attempt to release all of it. Written on August 18-19th of 2008.

Why is it always about you being hurt? You betrayed me, you lied, you ignored me, you forgot to try. I never listened to those who warned, who wondered about your sicknesses- and hated when I cried. I looked to you with pride, with protection, so pure. You looked back with contention, with anger, with piercing words so cruel. Even when you looked away, even when you shunned- even when you lashed out, even when you shut me out. By your side I remained, I promised I’d wait forever. Even when my world fell apart, I still thought of you. Even when my heart was shattered, I still had room for you. Even when you lost your desire, I still had some to spare. Even when you spurred my wishes, my patience remained firm. Even when I told you I was unhappy, all you could think about was you. When I reached to hold you when your world went dark, you shoved me away and turned to another. You lied, you lied- again and again. You repeated and shunned my awareness, and you lied again. I knew in my heart, but neglected to listen. You knew in yours too- but oh the lies did they glisten? Your eyes and your heart were taken from me, but not by another the culprit is you. You look to me now with fear, but my sources have run out. No thief to blame, no words of shame, and this pain is yours- and yours alone. I would pick you up when you were feeling down; look into those dark eyes with the courage to smile. I would lift you up when your spirits went dim, and then I’d have to fight and scramble for a hole to climb in. You hurt and you cried, the world shook your will to survive- but the one that stood by you all along- you pushed to the side. No worries of the pain you caused, no time left for me- your love stalled so long ago- leaving NOTHING for me. You scream and you cry, reach out to my side- you lash out like a spurned lover- abandoned, abused. It was YOU that left not just three weeks ago, but more than a year. It was YOU that left me, ignored me, hung up on me, and walked away. It was YOU that turned cold, when I needed you the most. It was YOU that despised, that criticized and cursed. It was YOU that turned away it was YOU with the knife. It was YOU that took the easy way out; it was YOU that decided your love had run out. It was YOU that decided to keep your feelings inside; it was YOU that left me alone in the night. You step back and realize how much you have lost, but fail to remember the time that you tossed. You cry like a victim, your world is too harsh- but this is the blanket you’ve chosen to cover your eyes. You pull away and deny, but the damage is done- with blood on your hands, you STILL blame the gun. No matter the damage, no matter how hard I cry- you fail to even feel it, while you stumble and whine. You know what you’ve done and feebly attempt to apologize, then turn and blame me for calling out your lies. I trusted my life with you and you could just walk in and slice til you cut me apart, then you turn back just to finish my heart. This time I won’t worry, my attention is with me. I’m shaken, I’m hurt, I’m scared and unsure. You won’t let me forget, although you already left- given chances to be true you took them all down with you, but no longer can you pull me down too. The one thing I take with me isn’t my faith or my pride; you gave me no choice but to leave those behind. You can have them go ahead, take them inside. I leave them with all the mistakes that I’ve made, because I’m no saint and I ACKNOWLEDGED this time after time. But when the day is through and I go to sleep in the night- I know I gave all I had with love as my guide. I praised you, told you, remembered and tried, to bless you with kisses and cards; reminders that I always would give you my heart. Not just when I had enough, everyday by your side- even when I was unhappy and my patience was fried. You made your decision and that is enough, and I know that I will be happy- I know now this is right.

Now is the time, to bring it all home. At once I felt nothing, I saw only what I’ve lost. But I feel that I’m winning, this battle of spirit I’ve had with myself. Divided by pain and held back by my heart. Your fitful betrayal caused our friendship to be frayed, I know I can’t save it and I don’t want things that way. Now is my time to begin at the start, not worry about tomorrow when we are apart. I’ve decided to stand up on my own two feet, and move through the black times to discover the light. Whether you are with me; a friend, or we stay apart- never again will I abandon my heart. This world left me reeling and split open my soul, flushed my spirit & life down an endless black hole. Through death in hell I succumbed to the fire- yet I am reborn and ascending much higher. I wish you the best, to continue this fight- to discover your peace and the strength through defeat. No matter the wound you’ve sliced in to my heart, no piercing words will deceive me to bow to the heat. One day I trust that you could find your heart & know you don’t have to lose it to know that you had it good.

Nine Ghosts of Lennox

This is piece of writing I just found that I put away. This one is from September 22nd, 2008. Definitely coming from a lot of frustration in dealing with social anxiety and other remnant symptoms from my continuing battle with PTSD. inspired/influenced by Annie Lennox and Nine Inch Nails

I’m losing ground, well you know
how this world can beat you down.
The mountain almost swallowed me whole,
yet I still did come around.
But I see too much, I feel too much, I bleed too much
I’m caught up by the Ghosts in my Machine

There is no medicine
For what’s eroding me
There is no way inside
To find what’s consuming me
What is breaking down the center
The very core of me.

Pure love can bind me
Other bright ones can lift me
And inspire me
But there is no one in this world
That can pull out this pain
That just keeps breaking me apart.

There is no set of directions
No self help book on tape
No worries that can change me
But I just keep on hanging here
As sparking, shiny bait
For all to come and take me
Come and break my heart away

Where’s the zipper or the seam
That puts a seal around my chest
Where’s the cord, a door to close
A way to get some rest?