With even the clearest, strongest of my dreams...aspirations, I still struggle with doubts and fears. Lately I have been struggling with feeling inferior/undeserving of the love of my friends and family..or the depth of it. As I am devoting my life to grad school... and getting my MSW, I am dealing with a constant lack of time, energy and/or resources to devote to my connnections and relationships. I am a nurturer... and I treat my relationships no differently. But, I feel disarmed at times, even if that sounds dramatic.. I can't give of myself or be involved in others lives like I'm used to, like I want to.
Since when did dreams become so important, though; that those I love more than LIFE ITSELF, become 2nd in line? How can I expect others to understand, without my ability to reach out as they/I am used to, that it kills me to feel as if everyones lives are moving on without me, as if I'm a distant memory for the next 2 years....as if their lives move on and happen without me for this chunk of time...like I'm on some type of sabbatical from everyone's lives...but my life isn't complete without them. Without those I love, my dreams have no meaning or value. No wealth is worth it or of any value to me if I can't share it with them. This is a battle for me, but I feel responsible to embrace it, in order to live up to my dreams and make something of myself and my life. But in a way it feels as if I am abandoning my loved ones.. even if others "don't see it that way," it feels that way and I'm struggling to deal with that.
To be continued.....
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Even the brightest sunrise
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Using the trauma, so it will Never Use Me.
I know...deep within my bones that because of my own experience with trauma and being a survivor.. I am endlessly compelled to prevent and help heal trauma in others. Nobody deserves to suffer like that, and certainly not alone. It's an urgent need in me that feels almost tangible, that I can't explain....that moves me beyond any intention that I could ever have. This need in me moves me without my having to decide to stand- it is a part of me. It has been ever since I refused to let the trauma break me, and this need is as central to who I am as the heart that beats in my chest- and the spirit that keeps me alive.
Because of this and countless other reasons; the composition of who I am has changed more in the last four years than in the rest of my years combined. Everything from the complexion of my skin, to the way I walk, the way I hold myself, the thoughts I bear, the words I share, and the decisions I make. It almost seems...unfair... to say that anything good can result from the terrible traumatic events that I experienced. However, today- on this fourth anniversary.. I want to make a promise to myself that this year will be a year I can look back on and draw from. Not because I expect or even think that this journey is over for me, because it definitely is not. I know there are difficult days ahead that I can't predict or even understand right now. But I do want this year to be different; and I want it to be different in the way I work to heal myself, and believe in myself.
Sometimes it is difficult to believe that I have the knowledge and ability to defeat anxiety and other symptoms of PTSD. I feel disconnected, and fragmented today in ways that feel new to me. Each time I find myself on August 25th, it's like the first time I've ever been there. The symptoms aren't the same, and they aren't quite as severe or scarring as they used to be. However, I never can prepare myself for exactly how I'll feel. I can't even guarantee to myself that I'll understand why I'm feeling some of the things that I do, some of the things that I am right now. But if nothing else, I want to love myself a little more this year. I want to love myself in the way that I need to, to get through this day and all of the ones ahead. I want to know that next year, when I feel lost- I can think about today and realize- I'm okay. I'm okay... I'm okay. I'm doing this, and no matter how frightening this may feel. No matter how disturbing it is to know that some of the scars are still inside of me, even after all these years. I've been told.. "I bet you wish you could kill him" and "Don't you want to just cut him (the memories) free?" But this isn't about him anymore. It hasn't been for a very long time.
The emotional aftermath from what happened four years ago from today, was far more harmful and life changing than the actual event itself. I harmed myself in ways that I could not control, and emotionally it felt as if I was literally tearing apart, breaking into pieces. I couldn't rectify the broken parts inside of me, and I couldn't fathom living with the kind of pain that resulted from being violated, and shamed. I couldn't bear the state I lived in, I couldn't bear the feelings I had, and I couldn't cope with the memories without pictures, the sensations in my body that couldn't be explained with images or words. It tore me apart. And when I started to stand up again, started to brush myself off, I was so, very lost. I didn't know myself anymore; I felt like the person I was before, was gone. It was as if I had to learn to walk all over again, learn to relate to others, learn to share myself, and learn to let other people in. It was a painstaking process that took a good portion of the last four years. I still struggle to let people in at times. Eventually I figured out that my spirit was there all along, and if it wasn't, I sure as hell wouldn't have survived. But I did.
Today I want to say, I am still here. I am still in love with life, and I always will be. I still hurt at times, I still have fear at times, and I still am shaken at times. But each time I fall, I get right back up again and I want to use my ability to be strong- to lead me throughout my life. But even beyond that, I want the strength that I've also received from the love others have offered me, the support and the kindness- to bolster that need in me to give to others. There are so many other survivors out there and I feel as if you are a part of me, and I am a part of you. We're in this together- and let us share the light in ourselves that WILL NEVER GO OUT.
With love, tenderness and faith in the collective power of survivors--- be well.
-Phoenix
Because of this and countless other reasons; the composition of who I am has changed more in the last four years than in the rest of my years combined. Everything from the complexion of my skin, to the way I walk, the way I hold myself, the thoughts I bear, the words I share, and the decisions I make. It almost seems...unfair... to say that anything good can result from the terrible traumatic events that I experienced. However, today- on this fourth anniversary.. I want to make a promise to myself that this year will be a year I can look back on and draw from. Not because I expect or even think that this journey is over for me, because it definitely is not. I know there are difficult days ahead that I can't predict or even understand right now. But I do want this year to be different; and I want it to be different in the way I work to heal myself, and believe in myself.
Sometimes it is difficult to believe that I have the knowledge and ability to defeat anxiety and other symptoms of PTSD. I feel disconnected, and fragmented today in ways that feel new to me. Each time I find myself on August 25th, it's like the first time I've ever been there. The symptoms aren't the same, and they aren't quite as severe or scarring as they used to be. However, I never can prepare myself for exactly how I'll feel. I can't even guarantee to myself that I'll understand why I'm feeling some of the things that I do, some of the things that I am right now. But if nothing else, I want to love myself a little more this year. I want to love myself in the way that I need to, to get through this day and all of the ones ahead. I want to know that next year, when I feel lost- I can think about today and realize- I'm okay. I'm okay... I'm okay. I'm doing this, and no matter how frightening this may feel. No matter how disturbing it is to know that some of the scars are still inside of me, even after all these years. I've been told.. "I bet you wish you could kill him" and "Don't you want to just cut him (the memories) free?" But this isn't about him anymore. It hasn't been for a very long time.
The emotional aftermath from what happened four years ago from today, was far more harmful and life changing than the actual event itself. I harmed myself in ways that I could not control, and emotionally it felt as if I was literally tearing apart, breaking into pieces. I couldn't rectify the broken parts inside of me, and I couldn't fathom living with the kind of pain that resulted from being violated, and shamed. I couldn't bear the state I lived in, I couldn't bear the feelings I had, and I couldn't cope with the memories without pictures, the sensations in my body that couldn't be explained with images or words. It tore me apart. And when I started to stand up again, started to brush myself off, I was so, very lost. I didn't know myself anymore; I felt like the person I was before, was gone. It was as if I had to learn to walk all over again, learn to relate to others, learn to share myself, and learn to let other people in. It was a painstaking process that took a good portion of the last four years. I still struggle to let people in at times. Eventually I figured out that my spirit was there all along, and if it wasn't, I sure as hell wouldn't have survived. But I did.
Today I want to say, I am still here. I am still in love with life, and I always will be. I still hurt at times, I still have fear at times, and I still am shaken at times. But each time I fall, I get right back up again and I want to use my ability to be strong- to lead me throughout my life. But even beyond that, I want the strength that I've also received from the love others have offered me, the support and the kindness- to bolster that need in me to give to others. There are so many other survivors out there and I feel as if you are a part of me, and I am a part of you. We're in this together- and let us share the light in ourselves that WILL NEVER GO OUT.
With love, tenderness and faith in the collective power of survivors--- be well.
-Phoenix
Monday, August 8, 2011
Electric Veins
So much energy courses through my veins around this time of year; that it causes almost completely unpredictable waves in my spirit that unscrew my consciousness, and set my mind ablaze. Regardless of the status quo, my state of being up until August, or the state of my life in general. When this time comes around...all bets are off.
So I'm checking in. Four years later. Today hasn't even arrived in the queue of twilights surrounding the anniversary. It's not for another 17 days. But the changes have already started. As I sit here with my hands shaking after a sleepless night with unbidden memories and a day on the verge of tears. As I find myself taking stock of where I've been, I realize that this is pretty typical for me to do, while writing entries in here. Be it an appraisal of the events in my life or my own assessment of my efforts to create a life for myself that remains in growth from the point of attention. Today, I don't know where to start. In some ways I have truly arrived in the pinnacle, and in others I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps. I've arrived in the pinnacle of my life in that I am working on my masters degree that will allow me to practice my true life's work. I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps in terms of my drive to cling to routine, my on-again-off-again relationship with my ability to relax, my anxious tendency to harbor my own emotions within the walls of my body....the last of which I can't do right now. The last of which is affecting my relationships and that is when it really starts to wreak havoc within my conscience. Just like it is right now.
Is this what each year will be like, come August? Will I feel stronger each year; will I feel disappointed each year? Each of the last four years has been a battle within myself. A battle between the peaceful, accepting side of myself and the driven, stubborn and even a little prideful side of myself. I've come a long way and worked harder than I ever thought I could, to make it to this day. I struggle to forgive such lengthy hiccups. I struggle to withhold judgment for myself. Even this meditation only scrapes at the surface, as I fear some of my bravery might have escaped me since 2008, when I found it in myself to create this website to release all that was hell-bent on defeating me; if I had let it. Perhaps the fourth anniversary comes with a challenge for me to reclaim my own courage and release the demons that are deep within my consciousness, and admit even to myself once again, that I am not alone.
So I'm checking in. Four years later. Today hasn't even arrived in the queue of twilights surrounding the anniversary. It's not for another 17 days. But the changes have already started. As I sit here with my hands shaking after a sleepless night with unbidden memories and a day on the verge of tears. As I find myself taking stock of where I've been, I realize that this is pretty typical for me to do, while writing entries in here. Be it an appraisal of the events in my life or my own assessment of my efforts to create a life for myself that remains in growth from the point of attention. Today, I don't know where to start. In some ways I have truly arrived in the pinnacle, and in others I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps. I've arrived in the pinnacle of my life in that I am working on my masters degree that will allow me to practice my true life's work. I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps in terms of my drive to cling to routine, my on-again-off-again relationship with my ability to relax, my anxious tendency to harbor my own emotions within the walls of my body....the last of which I can't do right now. The last of which is affecting my relationships and that is when it really starts to wreak havoc within my conscience. Just like it is right now.
Is this what each year will be like, come August? Will I feel stronger each year; will I feel disappointed each year? Each of the last four years has been a battle within myself. A battle between the peaceful, accepting side of myself and the driven, stubborn and even a little prideful side of myself. I've come a long way and worked harder than I ever thought I could, to make it to this day. I struggle to forgive such lengthy hiccups. I struggle to withhold judgment for myself. Even this meditation only scrapes at the surface, as I fear some of my bravery might have escaped me since 2008, when I found it in myself to create this website to release all that was hell-bent on defeating me; if I had let it. Perhaps the fourth anniversary comes with a challenge for me to reclaim my own courage and release the demons that are deep within my consciousness, and admit even to myself once again, that I am not alone.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Everybody Wants to Rule the World...
Somewhere swept under the rug
just before a cloud of smoke
right after the ball of dust
whatever I do... I am under the influence
of you...
But I can't seem to find where I left me.
Sometimes it seems as the years pass,
it feels as if I'm dealing with all of the same things
just in different phases of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever really dealing, coping and moving through some of the struggles I've had in my life. For years, after coping with trauma myself- (almost four years ago now) I felt like it owned me. Like a metastasizing cancer... no matter how hard I fought to keep my head above water, it felt like I could sink and perish at any moment under the weight of myself. That's literally what it felt like on many days, feeling so heavy.. it was almost as if I was waterlogged..and no matter what I did, I could never get dry. But I got up every day and I did it anyway, walked around the best I could... sometimes just to keep myself relevant, to stay alive--- you do what you have to do.
I did a lot of soul searching after those days. I went through years of therapy...spent a lot of time hiding from my dreams- healing wounds, taking stock of what I was made of- and wondering what the hell to do with myself. Did a lot of writing.. which was and is wonderful- I love being able to reflect on my ability to create something beautiful, out of something so painful. And even if I wasn't writing something that was aesthetically beautiful.. it always felt beautiful to me ... because I wasn't succumbing, I was creating..which, in essence is my way of saying- I'm not dead yet- keep it coming Life!!! I'm a stubborn-as-all-hell woman, and I take pride in that aspect of myself, because I survive- through everything. Let's just say I had an amazing role model or two growing up who taught me well. ;)
But what happens, now? I recently experienced a stage in my life where a monumental amount of change happened in a relatively short span of time. Recovering in the aftermath of a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship and the end of several substantial friendships in my life in the course of that transition...then a year later, falling in love and getting my heart shattered...then putting back the pieces through the means of physical exertion, exercise and body image revitalization.... Finally getting the courage up to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a therapist, finding a school, teaching myself how to navigate securing loans and applying to a competitive program- and getting accepted to my "reach," and the only school I applied to. A dream come true, is in no way an overestimation of the magnitude of how much this means to me. Finding a new place to live, and leaving my comfort zone of the suburbs surrounding where I grew up (where I retreated for a couple years in what I'll call my "recovery" phase) back into the "hustle bustle" of the city.... back into living with roommates (at almost 29 I had to swallow a large portion of my pride in order to do this) after two years of living on my own.. teaching myself to save- adjusting to working full time and going to school part time... most days it feels like I have two full time jobs. I thought I had arrived... I really did, like my life was finally beginning. And in most respects- I still feel that way- because I'm now preparing myself to do what I'm most passionate about- and what I want to devote the rest of my professional life fulfilling.
BUT...what am I missing here? I still fall back into the same routines of self medicating, doubtful/deprecating thoughts when overwhelmed and stressed. I still struggle with issues surrounding food and forcing myself to exercise, which I know brings so much positive energy into my life that it's almost as if I'm truly cutting myself down by NOT doing it. I still catch myself wanting to shut down from those around me out of fear of loss, pain or fear of feeling exploited. I still find myself struggling with the simplest forms of trust, and realizing that I still experience tension in areas of my body that I know is the result of trauma I experienced years ago. Small little reminders...that this fight isn't over... or should I be taking this .. stage of feeling lost... as a wakeup call that I'm slipping? Backtracking? Have I fallen already?
Perhaps this is my version of that crisis that us late 20-somethings experience when we realize we're on the brink of "the rest of our lives." Where we're done "growing up" and now we're just getting older. Where the sheen has left the process of -learning, and now it just feels more like a way of the world than an adventure. I'm still passionate about life, I'm still passionate about helping/giving/empowering others, I'm still vibrant, energetic, and colorful.. but I guess I'm wondering when I'll wake up from this fog... or perhaps I've only remained "in it" because of my fear of where I'm going to end up when I shake free of it.
Existential crisis, anyone?
just before a cloud of smoke
right after the ball of dust
whatever I do... I am under the influence
of you...
But I can't seem to find where I left me.
Sometimes it seems as the years pass,
it feels as if I'm dealing with all of the same things
just in different phases of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever really dealing, coping and moving through some of the struggles I've had in my life. For years, after coping with trauma myself- (almost four years ago now) I felt like it owned me. Like a metastasizing cancer... no matter how hard I fought to keep my head above water, it felt like I could sink and perish at any moment under the weight of myself. That's literally what it felt like on many days, feeling so heavy.. it was almost as if I was waterlogged..and no matter what I did, I could never get dry. But I got up every day and I did it anyway, walked around the best I could... sometimes just to keep myself relevant, to stay alive--- you do what you have to do.
I did a lot of soul searching after those days. I went through years of therapy...spent a lot of time hiding from my dreams- healing wounds, taking stock of what I was made of- and wondering what the hell to do with myself. Did a lot of writing.. which was and is wonderful- I love being able to reflect on my ability to create something beautiful, out of something so painful. And even if I wasn't writing something that was aesthetically beautiful.. it always felt beautiful to me ... because I wasn't succumbing, I was creating..which, in essence is my way of saying- I'm not dead yet- keep it coming Life!!! I'm a stubborn-as-all-hell woman, and I take pride in that aspect of myself, because I survive- through everything. Let's just say I had an amazing role model or two growing up who taught me well. ;)
But what happens, now? I recently experienced a stage in my life where a monumental amount of change happened in a relatively short span of time. Recovering in the aftermath of a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship and the end of several substantial friendships in my life in the course of that transition...then a year later, falling in love and getting my heart shattered...then putting back the pieces through the means of physical exertion, exercise and body image revitalization.... Finally getting the courage up to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a therapist, finding a school, teaching myself how to navigate securing loans and applying to a competitive program- and getting accepted to my "reach," and the only school I applied to. A dream come true, is in no way an overestimation of the magnitude of how much this means to me. Finding a new place to live, and leaving my comfort zone of the suburbs surrounding where I grew up (where I retreated for a couple years in what I'll call my "recovery" phase) back into the "hustle bustle" of the city.... back into living with roommates (at almost 29 I had to swallow a large portion of my pride in order to do this) after two years of living on my own.. teaching myself to save- adjusting to working full time and going to school part time... most days it feels like I have two full time jobs. I thought I had arrived... I really did, like my life was finally beginning. And in most respects- I still feel that way- because I'm now preparing myself to do what I'm most passionate about- and what I want to devote the rest of my professional life fulfilling.
BUT...what am I missing here? I still fall back into the same routines of self medicating, doubtful/deprecating thoughts when overwhelmed and stressed. I still struggle with issues surrounding food and forcing myself to exercise, which I know brings so much positive energy into my life that it's almost as if I'm truly cutting myself down by NOT doing it. I still catch myself wanting to shut down from those around me out of fear of loss, pain or fear of feeling exploited. I still find myself struggling with the simplest forms of trust, and realizing that I still experience tension in areas of my body that I know is the result of trauma I experienced years ago. Small little reminders...that this fight isn't over... or should I be taking this .. stage of feeling lost... as a wakeup call that I'm slipping? Backtracking? Have I fallen already?
Perhaps this is my version of that crisis that us late 20-somethings experience when we realize we're on the brink of "the rest of our lives." Where we're done "growing up" and now we're just getting older. Where the sheen has left the process of -learning, and now it just feels more like a way of the world than an adventure. I'm still passionate about life, I'm still passionate about helping/giving/empowering others, I'm still vibrant, energetic, and colorful.. but I guess I'm wondering when I'll wake up from this fog... or perhaps I've only remained "in it" because of my fear of where I'm going to end up when I shake free of it.
Existential crisis, anyone?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
