What is it that I have to do
to rid my mind of all thoughts of you?
When will time begin to run
so my body catches up to how far I've come?
Where is the place where things make sense
and the things that matter take precedence?
How can I beat your disease and restart
and remove what remains of your putrid marks?
Why is my body a sacrifice to crime
what law is protecting what is sacred, what is mine?
The truth is harsh, reality a shame
you're a coward condoned, your brutality framed.
It should put you away, but still you are spared
while I work through my life carrying the pain
knowing there is no justice, answers or closure
and I find no hope for change.
Liberation fails me
and I'm quickly pushed aside.
But fury still claims me, and
I'm followed by your grime.
I'm fully aware that I'd end you
if I only had the chance.
It's fortunate that you've stayed away,
as my hands betray reason.
But the thoughts remain alive
as my healing pushes through,
still you remain, in the depths of
my mind, a pile of waste that I
long to throw away.
How fitting it would be, that your
throat would be stifled
when the time that I've survived
passed through breathless nightmares
stabbing memories and lifeless days.
The darkness became me, the disgust
overwhelming. But this feculence is you
and the stench of your presence
is now removed and disposed
as your time has passed.
Revenge is a fool's game, my anger is not.
I speak in full sentences- and I walk with pride.
You represent criminals, you represent filth
you represent prejudice, you represent lies.
Your actions will follow you always
your relevance is maimed.
I know you can hear me,
as police call your bluff.
Consider it a gift, from me to you-
humiliation delivered to your door
now everyone is watching you,
the ball is in your court.
I don't wish to retaliate,
I won't waste my breath
Indecency doesn't own me
but this you'll carry to your death.
You've wasted your life-
and stolen far too much of mine.
Peace is the gift that I now
give to myself- knowing each day is golden
and now you face your crime.
Even though I hate you, and gag with every thought
I'm burning all the memories of you
and returning to my faith.
You will never define me
or ever dampen my strength.
You will never control me
or hurt me ever again.
Justice may defy me, but your actions
will catch up to you in the end
the truth will defile you
and gladly it's out of my hands.
You are gone, good riddance.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Boston is "Title Town." Hello!? Are we just noticing this now? :)
What a wonderful, long time coming/deserved voice of reason. I'm so sick of hearing year after year about the prejudice and racism in the city of Boston- and that being "what its known for." I'm sorry, but in the greatly white supremicist society we live in here in America, I'm so sick of people making Boston a scapegoat. Look at yourselves people... the race of African American people have been abused for centuries. Unfortunately, it hasn't ended either, and there are still wide spread issues and injustices alive and well in all corners of this country, and in all levels of society. Don't give me the "not in this town" crap, don't give me this "I'm not racist" crap. We're all a bit racist, whether we admit it or not- and its up to us to change that and grow for our future generations. We all have skeletons in our closets- it's about time we bring them out- have the courage to acknowledge them, learn from them- and work on healing our wounded nation and its people. I'm not intending to stir the pot here- but I just get so frustrated with people who have such self serving viewpoints that they don't realize their own flaws and fault. Guess it stirred up the pot in me, because I know I'm not the only one who admits my part in this widespread problem, and I'm not the only one willing to work for change.
"...It is a curious contradiction about Boston. The city had a questionable reputation in its eagerness to embrace baseball desegregation, and it was not so long ago that there were still mutterings that the Red Sox might not be the best choice for an African-American player because of Boston's racial climate.
But anyone up on NBA history knows that 44 years ago, the Celtics became the first team in history to start five black men. Red Auerbach did not care about a player's skin color, if he could help him get his victory cigar lit.
And the current Celtics seem enamored enough with their workplace.
"Since day 1," Kevin Garnett said, "Paul (Pierce) told me this is unlike any other city when it comes to sports. You give them a reason, and they will jump on and they will be behind you even when you're losing or even when you're going through tough times. I got to see that."
This is not a bad way to go chasing after championships. There is strength in unity. Not without reason, is it called Red Sox Nation..."
-Mike Lopresti of the Jackson Sun
"...It is a curious contradiction about Boston. The city had a questionable reputation in its eagerness to embrace baseball desegregation, and it was not so long ago that there were still mutterings that the Red Sox might not be the best choice for an African-American player because of Boston's racial climate.
But anyone up on NBA history knows that 44 years ago, the Celtics became the first team in history to start five black men. Red Auerbach did not care about a player's skin color, if he could help him get his victory cigar lit.
And the current Celtics seem enamored enough with their workplace.
"Since day 1," Kevin Garnett said, "Paul (Pierce) told me this is unlike any other city when it comes to sports. You give them a reason, and they will jump on and they will be behind you even when you're losing or even when you're going through tough times. I got to see that."
This is not a bad way to go chasing after championships. There is strength in unity. Not without reason, is it called Red Sox Nation..."
-Mike Lopresti of the Jackson Sun
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Surviving. What Does it Mean Anyway?
What does 'surviving' actually mean? (or Survivor for that matter)
Is it the ability to stay alive? Is it understanding nature enough to be able to use one's surroundings to sustain health and energy? Does it entail the ideas of "survival of the fittest?" Is it what humans and other animals have had to do over time and evolution? Is it being able to live on during times of disaster in our country, and in this world we live in? Is it being able to "grant me [oneself] the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference?” Is it facing injustice defiantly, directly and undeterred, and having the determination to stand up for what we (you and/or I) believe in? Or is it something entirely separate from what we have the "tools" or life experience to EVER be prepared for-- but yet persevering all the same.
In my eyes, survival is something that happens when a person experiences something far beyond earth shattering. It's something that happens without will, without support- without knowing others believe in you. It's something that happens when everything joyful that you've ever loved, lost and revived- doesn't make a difference anymore. It's being helpless, lost and unable to soothe the excruciating pain you feel inside. It's knowing that the people you love- have no idea what its like to live on, when you feel that most of you has died. It's continuing to try to continue to heal, even when it seems that there's nothing you can do to take your pain away. It's being able to re-train your mind to think positive, when horrors and flashbacks continue to haunt, defile, humiliate and disown you. It's being able to hold on through the aftershocks of trauma and the fear of facing other people. It's being able to find calm when you can't seem to tell the difference between reality and your nightmares. Its being able to just keep living when you don't know who you are anymore. It's knowing that there is no choice but to keep going- even when it feels as if the world is literally shitting on you. It's being able to focus on yourself and being positive, when others look at you and think/say you are just making excuses. It's being able to remind yourself that certain experiences will cause you to act in ways that you don't like- but being able to affirm your efforts anyway. It's staying firm when your decisions/actions seem completely irrational to others- but still listening to your heart and following the path as it guides you. It's being able to remain on course- even when EVERYONE thinks they have the answer to be able to "fix," or change your situation. It's knowing that you are the only person who knows what is RIGHT FOR YOU...and it's having the initiative to change what isn't healthy in your life. It's being able to solidify your values and priorities; because your hands are full and your body/mind/soul is cluttered. It's acknowledging that you need to try to do just what is most important to your 'moving on' and healing. It's having the humility to accept that other's won't understand what its like to suffer with what you've been through-- so you can grant them patience and compassion for their words and actions. (Regardless of how it may make you feel, or how ignorant they may seem)
Most importantly- it's not giving up, no matter how discouraged you may be. It's the ability to avoid beating yourself up when you fall down and back a couple of steps- even when it felt like you were progressing. It's saving patience for yourself- to get you through those days when you just don't want to fight anymore. It doesn't matter that you want to give up, it doesn't matter that you feel hopeless. It doesn't matter if you worry that you can't continue, because survival doesn't discriminate- and it won't cut you down for the negative thoughts you have. I firmly believe that we have hearts, and soul for a reason- and without thinking everything through- you'll still be lead on the path that you need to choose and follow. Sometimes not making a decision, is the best decision you could make in life. Sometimes, letting life lead you is the best way to find your way out when you are lost. Survival- to me is to be able to bear such weight everyday without giving up entirely and not giving yourself a chance to heal. Healing will happen regardless of what we do in life- the only thing it depends on is staying alive. We're all meant to heal- but we are also mortal, it may never be complete.
I don't mean for this to be some inspirational post. I don't mean to say I do all of these things- or even most of them everyday. I'm so far from perfect that I'm not sure I could push for anymore distance. This is just a meditation to work my way through the confusion of my daily life and all the emotions, worries and thoughts that come with it. I am sure that there are others battling this everyday as well. I hope eventually I can learn from others who are trying to survive- struggling to survive at times. I hope you have the courage to reach out, if anything I'm writing means something to you in regards to your experience.
Is it the ability to stay alive? Is it understanding nature enough to be able to use one's surroundings to sustain health and energy? Does it entail the ideas of "survival of the fittest?" Is it what humans and other animals have had to do over time and evolution? Is it being able to live on during times of disaster in our country, and in this world we live in? Is it being able to "grant me [oneself] the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference?” Is it facing injustice defiantly, directly and undeterred, and having the determination to stand up for what we (you and/or I) believe in? Or is it something entirely separate from what we have the "tools" or life experience to EVER be prepared for-- but yet persevering all the same.
In my eyes, survival is something that happens when a person experiences something far beyond earth shattering. It's something that happens without will, without support- without knowing others believe in you. It's something that happens when everything joyful that you've ever loved, lost and revived- doesn't make a difference anymore. It's being helpless, lost and unable to soothe the excruciating pain you feel inside. It's knowing that the people you love- have no idea what its like to live on, when you feel that most of you has died. It's continuing to try to continue to heal, even when it seems that there's nothing you can do to take your pain away. It's being able to re-train your mind to think positive, when horrors and flashbacks continue to haunt, defile, humiliate and disown you. It's being able to hold on through the aftershocks of trauma and the fear of facing other people. It's being able to find calm when you can't seem to tell the difference between reality and your nightmares. Its being able to just keep living when you don't know who you are anymore. It's knowing that there is no choice but to keep going- even when it feels as if the world is literally shitting on you. It's being able to focus on yourself and being positive, when others look at you and think/say you are just making excuses. It's being able to remind yourself that certain experiences will cause you to act in ways that you don't like- but being able to affirm your efforts anyway. It's staying firm when your decisions/actions seem completely irrational to others- but still listening to your heart and following the path as it guides you. It's being able to remain on course- even when EVERYONE thinks they have the answer to be able to "fix," or change your situation. It's knowing that you are the only person who knows what is RIGHT FOR YOU...and it's having the initiative to change what isn't healthy in your life. It's being able to solidify your values and priorities; because your hands are full and your body/mind/soul is cluttered. It's acknowledging that you need to try to do just what is most important to your 'moving on' and healing. It's having the humility to accept that other's won't understand what its like to suffer with what you've been through-- so you can grant them patience and compassion for their words and actions. (Regardless of how it may make you feel, or how ignorant they may seem)
Most importantly- it's not giving up, no matter how discouraged you may be. It's the ability to avoid beating yourself up when you fall down and back a couple of steps- even when it felt like you were progressing. It's saving patience for yourself- to get you through those days when you just don't want to fight anymore. It doesn't matter that you want to give up, it doesn't matter that you feel hopeless. It doesn't matter if you worry that you can't continue, because survival doesn't discriminate- and it won't cut you down for the negative thoughts you have. I firmly believe that we have hearts, and soul for a reason- and without thinking everything through- you'll still be lead on the path that you need to choose and follow. Sometimes not making a decision, is the best decision you could make in life. Sometimes, letting life lead you is the best way to find your way out when you are lost. Survival- to me is to be able to bear such weight everyday without giving up entirely and not giving yourself a chance to heal. Healing will happen regardless of what we do in life- the only thing it depends on is staying alive. We're all meant to heal- but we are also mortal, it may never be complete.
I don't mean for this to be some inspirational post. I don't mean to say I do all of these things- or even most of them everyday. I'm so far from perfect that I'm not sure I could push for anymore distance. This is just a meditation to work my way through the confusion of my daily life and all the emotions, worries and thoughts that come with it. I am sure that there are others battling this everyday as well. I hope eventually I can learn from others who are trying to survive- struggling to survive at times. I hope you have the courage to reach out, if anything I'm writing means something to you in regards to your experience.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I'm Not Lost, Just Undiscovered.
Do you ever feel like you could scream at the top of your lungs, and nobody would hear you?
Do you ever feel like, the harder you try to express yourself- the more your feelings and thoughts sound completely incoherent and disordered?
Do you ever feel that your energy, your body language and/or your tone affects others negatively?
There are times, when I see the confusion or disturbed expression on a person's face before I even open my mouth. There are ways, that I put people off without knowing how- or why- or what it is that is causing them to feel/react that way. Even when I do know, what it is that I've done, or what I've said or how I've acted that made them feel that way- I feel powerless to stop it. It feels like even if I know ahead of time I'm feeling a certain way- and I literally think to myself that I need to be careful- or aware of how I'm coming across- it seems that I do the very things, say the very words, and act in all of the ways I was trying to prevent. (or at least adjust) I've always been a strong minded and willed person- and I've never had a problem with saying EXACTLY what I mean and intend to. Lately I just don't feel like I'm in the "driver's seat" and I want so desperately to feel more in control. I feel, that my energy is not what it should be- I know that it isn't. But even when I am feeling lighter- or feeling less hindered I still don't seem to present or put forth this energy- these feelings. It seems- that my person, my energy and spirit has been skewed (sp?) especially from the perspective of the people around me... even with the people who know me best, and love me the most. It seems that I speak in code that is completely seperate from the language that other's can understand...like I'm living in a culture and I don't know the language. Or, possibly a better example would be that I am hard of hearing- but my sign language doesn't translate. Either that- or I've completely forgotten how to sign altogether- but it feels like I'm using the same language- same words that I have all along. Apparently I'm not, apparently my vocabulary has disappeared. (All due respect to those who are hard of hearing- I don't claim to understand their experience of course- but this metaphor was the best I could do to describe where I'm at.) I know- and I've been reminded that all of this is normal for anyone who's been through what I've experienced. But- I guess its just difficult- when I feel like I'm seeing myself from the outside- and not quite experiencing life as .. myself- as the person inside my body. That's difficult. I feel I've been getting better- then relapsing, rehashing- and old bad habits come and overwhelm me again. When is the rollercoaster going to be over? When can I feel alive again? Surviving- isn't very glamorous- it isn't satisfying, gratifying, or comforting. Where are you, today?
Do you ever feel like, the harder you try to express yourself- the more your feelings and thoughts sound completely incoherent and disordered?
Do you ever feel that your energy, your body language and/or your tone affects others negatively?
There are times, when I see the confusion or disturbed expression on a person's face before I even open my mouth. There are ways, that I put people off without knowing how- or why- or what it is that is causing them to feel/react that way. Even when I do know, what it is that I've done, or what I've said or how I've acted that made them feel that way- I feel powerless to stop it. It feels like even if I know ahead of time I'm feeling a certain way- and I literally think to myself that I need to be careful- or aware of how I'm coming across- it seems that I do the very things, say the very words, and act in all of the ways I was trying to prevent. (or at least adjust) I've always been a strong minded and willed person- and I've never had a problem with saying EXACTLY what I mean and intend to. Lately I just don't feel like I'm in the "driver's seat" and I want so desperately to feel more in control. I feel, that my energy is not what it should be- I know that it isn't. But even when I am feeling lighter- or feeling less hindered I still don't seem to present or put forth this energy- these feelings. It seems- that my person, my energy and spirit has been skewed (sp?) especially from the perspective of the people around me... even with the people who know me best, and love me the most. It seems that I speak in code that is completely seperate from the language that other's can understand...like I'm living in a culture and I don't know the language. Or, possibly a better example would be that I am hard of hearing- but my sign language doesn't translate. Either that- or I've completely forgotten how to sign altogether- but it feels like I'm using the same language- same words that I have all along. Apparently I'm not, apparently my vocabulary has disappeared. (All due respect to those who are hard of hearing- I don't claim to understand their experience of course- but this metaphor was the best I could do to describe where I'm at.) I know- and I've been reminded that all of this is normal for anyone who's been through what I've experienced. But- I guess its just difficult- when I feel like I'm seeing myself from the outside- and not quite experiencing life as .. myself- as the person inside my body. That's difficult. I feel I've been getting better- then relapsing, rehashing- and old bad habits come and overwhelm me again. When is the rollercoaster going to be over? When can I feel alive again? Surviving- isn't very glamorous- it isn't satisfying, gratifying, or comforting. Where are you, today?
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