I'm Not Lost, Just Undiscovered.

Do you ever feel like you could scream at the top of your lungs, and nobody would hear you?

Do you ever feel like, the harder you try to express yourself- the more your feelings and thoughts sound completely incoherent and disordered?

Do you ever feel that your energy, your body language and/or your tone affects others negatively?
There are times, when I see the confusion or disturbed expression on a person's face before I even open my mouth. There are ways, that I put people off without knowing how- or why- or what it is that is causing them to feel/react that way. Even when I do know, what it is that I've done, or what I've said or how I've acted that made them feel that way- I feel powerless to stop it. It feels like even if I know ahead of time I'm feeling a certain way- and I literally think to myself that I need to be careful- or aware of how I'm coming across- it seems that I do the very things, say the very words, and act in all of the ways I was trying to prevent. (or at least adjust) I've always been a strong minded and willed person- and I've never had a problem with saying EXACTLY what I mean and intend to. Lately I just don't feel like I'm in the "driver's seat" and I want so desperately to feel more in control. I feel, that my energy is not what it should be- I know that it isn't. But even when I am feeling lighter- or feeling less hindered I still don't seem to present or put forth this energy- these feelings. It seems- that my person, my energy and spirit has been skewed (sp?) especially from the perspective of the people around me... even with the people who know me best, and love me the most. It seems that I speak in code that is completely seperate from the language that other's can understand...like I'm living in a culture and I don't know the language. Or, possibly a better example would be that I am hard of hearing- but my sign language doesn't translate. Either that- or I've completely forgotten how to sign altogether- but it feels like I'm using the same language- same words that I have all along. Apparently I'm not, apparently my vocabulary has disappeared. (All due respect to those who are hard of hearing- I don't claim to understand their experience of course- but this metaphor was the best I could do to describe where I'm at.) I know- and I've been reminded that all of this is normal for anyone who's been through what I've experienced. But- I guess its just difficult- when I feel like I'm seeing myself from the outside- and not quite experiencing life as .. myself- as the person inside my body. That's difficult. I feel I've been getting better- then relapsing, rehashing- and old bad habits come and overwhelm me again. When is the rollercoaster going to be over? When can I feel alive again? Surviving- isn't very glamorous- it isn't satisfying, gratifying, or comforting. Where are you, today?