When I Look Up I Just Trip Over Things....

Had a little hiatus from writing here...seems I'm still hovering between being in my shell .. using its protective cover.. and throwing myself out there head first- willing to take on the world. Like night and day I change from driven, spirited and excited... to discouraged, angry and scared. Like the seasons I am traveling through straightaways, hairpin turns, high roads and low roads. The only thing I can depend on is that the world will continue to change, and change me with it. That everything inside of me will change, regardless of whether I'm holding on to it or not. Grasping to the familiar I realize only slows the free progression of my life, but it is so hard not to- when its the way I'm built and its the way I've protected myself for so long. I've found it an endless challenge to prevent myself from being guarded all the time- I'm finding it hard to meet people and open up to them because of this struggle. I find myself making excuses in order to not take myself outside of my comfort zone. This manifests itself by my clinging to familiar relationships over making more genuine, valuable and rewarding NEW relationships by taking risks and putting myself out there. It's tough to step outside of myself, when it felt like my walls were the only thing holding me together for so so long. It's all I had to hold on to, and now that I can stand under my own weight- I'm finding it hard to drop the walls. I'm finding it hard to want to. I find that I still carry shame and resentment from being violated. I'm finding it hard to resolve a lot of the repressed anger that developed because of the loss of self and spirit, regardless of whether I'm taking it back again little by little or not. I'm finding it hard to trust that it is worth it to open myself up to the world and the people in it. With the risk of being hurt, violated, misunderstood- it is so much easier to keep my head under the sand. Nobody is going to come and find me though- I realize that. Even if they could- I want.. for once in my life to step out myself, and find that path with my own two feet, and my own two hands working to open doors.

Post traumatic stress only complicates this issue- as I become irritable towards others when I'm hitting my own walls and feeling claustrophobic, angry and discouraged. Truth of the matter is I am only angry at myself, as it is easy to become impatient when I don't understand my emotions at times. I don't always understand the way I act, the images in my mind, the harsh words and tone I use with others without intention.... so on and so forth. I find that horrific thoughts and images still visit my day and night dreams, and often I feel chased and haunted by my own demons. I find that I feel weak in regards to what happened, and worry that if this happened once- completely outside of my power to prevent it, whats to say it won't happen again, or worse? I have a lot of fears. Actually, I have so many that I find it hard to identify and acknowledge them all. I find that I feel and very likely am hindered by emotions that I am not even aware of yet. Therapy since August of 2007 has been like shifting through the rubble of a major earthquake, or a shelled village after a world war. There's survival under so much of the wounds and pain that I've lifted and let go- but there isn't always brightness under every shaded area-- not always uplifting hope under every brick. There's death, desperate gasps for air and screams at every turn too- and I have to balance the light and the dark.. AND stay positive and keep on a positive path in life at the same time. Doesn't always feel like a firm road under my feet- sometimes it feels like a tightrope, collapsing house or a thin layer of ice that I'm walking on. I could either get to the other side so much faster than I ever could have hoped- or I could fall right through and have no idea how to get "back on the horse" again. Reminds me of an Ani Difranco song..where she sings

...'cause when I look down, I just miss all the good stuff. When I look up,
I just trip over things..

Some days I don't want to fight anymore. Some days I look up at the mountainous walls around me and feel like I can conquer anything. Where do you turn when you feel like you need a hand? Do you wonder if anyone out there has a clue what this feels like? I can't say this enough.. whether its here, in therapy, in writing or whatever way you can reach out. Make sure you do somehow...another way to reach out and find resources would be to call a hotline in your area. For other resources, check out this site or this site and I hope you find the help that you need. Feel free to reach out to me at any time for resources or just someone to listen.