Panamanian artist Marta L. Sanchez dynamically addresses sexual violence through personal storytelling, visual art, and spoken word. To learn more visit: www.poetryandart.org
"The Day I Was Raped"
I’m usually a little reluctant to say it, but I dread Christmas. It’s approach fills me with anxiety, the nativity scenes make me uneasy, the department store music makes me want to run out of the door and/or break something, and the smell of pine trees is enough of a trigger to make me wary of the Christmas tree sale lots.
I have been trying to avoid Christmas for the last 15 years.
Ever since I was raped on Christmas Eve, on my way to church, in a town called Paraiso (meaning Paradise, or Heaven in Spanish.) Somewhere in the middle of it all, I decided that God doesn’t exist, and that if he does I don’t really care for his sense of humor.
My anger towards God did not have real staying power, but rape definitely had a drastic long-term effect on my spirituality. It changed the way I see life. It especially changed the way I look at Christmas.
With just a glance at the pictures taken the Christmas after I was raped, I can see the lie in my smile, and clearly recall what I was feeling: isolation, sadness, shock, depression, fatigue, and heartbreak. I was heartbroken to experience such a devastating way to have my trust betrayed.
And each year since, as I try to be upbeat, and go with the flow so as not to ruin the season for those around me, these feelings have flowed back, intensified and triggered by all the visual and auditory cues my body associated with that event.
Except, this year has been different… startlingly, refreshingly different. The lights actually look pretty. The Christmas trees smell familiar but are a safe distance away. The music makes me dance a little. Well some of it.
I am not sure what changed, but as we approach the anniversary of my rape, I am relieved to discover that rather than deepening anxiety, I am feeling deepening hope and gratitude.
I am grateful for Cleveland, and our growing Super Star. I am excited to be in a new town, and yet living smack in the center of a community of close friends and family. I am thrilled to be doing work that I am proud of, work that I love. And most of all, I am honored by the gentle souls in my life, the inspiration they bring just by being themselves.
So this year, rather than hiding out, or cringing through some holiday celebration I feel obligated to attend, I’m going to celebrate.
I plan to celebrate being alive, and resilient, and unafraid to trust the magical people in my life.
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I know I am not the only survivor (or person in general) that has a difficult time during the holidays. For many survivors, especially those who experienced violence near the holidays or within their homes/family, Christmas is a trigger.
If you feel yourself getting down or feeling isolated, consider reaching out to someone you trust. If you can’t think of anyone or would feel safer speaking to someone confidentially consider calling a crisis line:
The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network: 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeine: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Linea Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio en Español: 1-888-628-9454
If you are looking for ways to celebrate your rape anniversary (or some other tough day) here are some of my suggestions (feel free to share some of yours).
1. Take yourself out to dinner at your favorite restaurant. 2. Have a comedy marathon (watch all your favorite comedies back to back). 3. Chocolate! 4. Exercise (salsa dancing, biking, yoga, whatever works for you). 5. Listen to music you love. 6. Read a great book. 7. Journal. 8. Volunteer. 9. Write thank you notes to the people you love. 10. Have a silly Photo Booth session with someone you love.
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