Craving

Do you ever feel as if you are craving attention and you have no idea why?
Does it make you feel motivated to find out why, or do you beat yourself up over it?

What's interesting about this feeling for me is that I am a person that likes to go about my life and make decisions independently without garnering attention or unnecessary praise for the things I do. I don't like to be the center of attention and there's a little voice inside telling me its childish to long for attention.  Whether that is true or not, valid or falsehood; that is what my mind shoots back at me when I feel like I'm feeling right now. This feeling is difficult for me because I see it impacting the way I interact with my partner, and it creates a lingering pain that hovers because of the lack of presence of friends in my life.  Graduate School has required more of my time and energy than I could have ever imagined that it would, despite the numerous  warnings from friends and family members that had already been through it. But it has created a distance between me and the small group of friends that I have, both because of how busy I have become and due to the stress making me want to isolate myself.  It's left me feeling cold and very lonely, throughout much of the last two years.  Being lonely to this extent, at the depth that I have- for the length of time that I have; has created ripples in my spirit.  It really has had an impact on me, and I guess I am writing now; slightly desperate and a little afraid of what exactly has happened inside of me as a result.  I've become quite practiced on putting my deepest emotions on the back burner, to stay focused and open at school, and for the ability to be present with my clients. However, when I have some time for myself and I try to re-visit my "self," often times it is difficult to translate my feelings. Or, to find them at all.  Sometimes I just want to be with someone so I don't have to think about any of it, what I feel or what I see on a daily basis. Just to be me without any title or job description. To put my "healer" hat down for a moment and just live.

Guess I am not very practiced at being forgiving. Or being able to be present with the loneliness and not just feel haunted by it. This is right now, not forever; and my life will always be what I create out of it. *Sigh.* Just keep breathing!  Feel free to share your thoughts, in a poem or just a comment!