Heal Yourself

Previously titled "Never Leave Lonely Alone"

"Unspoken rules of solitude wound without a trace, a lifetime of tears roll down your face. All that we can't say is all we need to hear. When you close your eyes does the world disappear? There's something in everyone, only they know- never leave lonely alone... It moves in the hidden ways of joy and sorrow, never leave lonely alone." - Ben Harper

There's so many words that I'm sure I could say- yet so many walls still get in my way. I've had so many times in the last two years that I've grown, healed and loved so much more than I could have before. I have a second chance at life it seems, and now I'm living like I want to- living in a way I believe in. I believe in myself and I believe in my ability to not only survive in this life- but to thrive.

I've had so many people in my life to support and encourage me, and stand by me when I really needed them. I've also had a lot of people disappear or walk out of my life. For those who have been there for me, whether you are still here or not; thank you. For all of your energy and thoughts you offered me, you are so very appreciated- and I will NEVER forget you, EVER. In these moments I am meditating on those who have loved and cared about me, and today I'm opening those stores of calming affection and support that they've so generously given me- to bolster my own. Today I'm walking with my stores of hurt, too. I'm walking with memories of a horrible, traumatic event in my life two years ago from today. Today I'm walking with what feels like a cinder block in my chest- but I know I just have to breathe because this is temporary. This day will be over soon and tomorrow I can look back and know I'm still okay. Today I'm walking with fear that still lives deep within my bones, even though I know there's nothing to be afraid of inside of me. Today I live with what sends shivers from my neck to the tips of my fingers- even though I know I'm strong enough to stand up through all of what may or may not come into my awareness. I know that this anxiety I feel, right now- will only live in my body for a short time. I just have to keep moving forward. I was reading a bit about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) recently and it was quite amazing how much it seemed like a road map of my last two years. Some of the things it summarized/mentioned happened early on but have since subsided. Many things still occur, and others have never happened to me and likely never will. Regardless, reading about it recently was a reminder--of it .. being okay that trauma still impacts me in several ways. It talks about the experience "...For a survivor to be told that what happened to them wasn't that bad, or...it was time that they were over it...reinforces the mistrust of everyone and (many) survivors (who) no longer can believe that the universe is fair or just." To me, I'm not sure I ever believed the universe was just- but I certainly know now more than ever that it isn't (naturally) so. I believe justice is something that we as humans create or neglect. Unfortunately, in the case of survivors- it just happens to be an area that is so sorely neglected it is as if most people in this country don't even know (or just don't want/choose not to know) I exist. Don't even hear any of the voices of countless survivors that are their wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, daughters, mothers, husbands, grandchildren etc. They don't want to know. Neither do I, to be honest, but it happened to me. I can't ever take that away, I can't ever forget. I look around and I see so many survivors around me who also are ignored, and treated like a bedsore. Today I'm also reminded of that, and that hurts too.
I spoke to a cherished person in my life yesterday about how to handle the two year anniversary of such a horrifying day. This is someone who's steadfast support has driven me to not just move past what happened, but to use it as motivation.

"...heal yourself with positive thinking, self-compassion, and self-care. We are all gifted with this ability. You now have an opportunity to demonstrate to yourself the presence of this ability..."

Today I don't wish for redemption for what occured, and I don't hope for revenge. I would never ask to be saved, and I don't want to pretend it never happened. It would be much too easy to just shut down and "dissociate" from these feelings as I did for so long, just to get by. I can't and refuse to do that anymore, but that certainly doesn't make it any easier to face my feelings at times like today. Just as with anything else, in any other aspect of my life- in the big picture I just want to live. I just want to be happy like everyone else, and some days that is harder than others. Today, I have a simpler focus. Just breathe. Just breathe....

"...Yes, breathe into the heaviness in your chest and sit with whatever comes to you from that place. You have survived the worst of it. Now it is time to recognize the survivor that you are..."

countless endless kisses

a thousand measures of warmth in your every move
countless endless kisses
make me hope that I'll be in your arms again soon
countless endless kisses
bring your lips upon mine, I just shine in your eyes
countless endless kisses
bring me peace to every bone, curve and line
countless endless kisses
amidst the toxic chaos, I breathe clean air
countless endless kisses
with every question you have an answer
countless endless kisses
despite my past you bleed redemption
countless endless kisses
when I need hope you offer your fervor
countless endless kisses
when there's ice in my heart you spark my fire
countless endless kisses
even when I don't know enough to need, you give
countless endless kisses
and I cherish each and every single one of your
countless endless kisses...

"I just feel outdone and undone by you all at the same time...it leaves me speechless..."

It just aches...

Just as these thoughts cross my mind- of what will come seven days from now.... my heart aches. Hours upon hours, day after day, month after month, year after a year.. I've built a little higher. I've glued countless pieces of myself back together to the point that I'm finally starting to see myself as "whole" again. I've found new bits of joy in places that were previously dark. I've uncovered soft painful places in the parts of me I thought were "safe," and brought them to the light where I can ease the hurt. I've brought a kind of healing in my life that makes me realize, I am my life force. I am my healing, I am my love, and I am my pain. I am everything I make, everything I do, everything I say-- and everything I dream .. for me to be.. I am. But I still remember what it felt like when I felt my heart break, over and over and over.. so deeply I decided I would never get it back. After two years I wonder when will the distance be long enough... when will this just be a shadow I've left far behind me?

When can I speak of all things, grasp all memories and harness my emotions without feeling the sting- the throbbing of my scarred heart? There's no scar tissue that shows up on a wounded psyche, no laceration or broken bone to bind on a shattered spirit. Nothing (almost) to connect to how I feel inside, for me or for anyone around me. What else can I do? I don't want to look around inside of myself and always find walls between me and certain parts of my inner world. I don't want to always see walls between me and the rest of the outside world, including those closest to me. I don't want to continue living double lives- always having to switch between living in my daydreams, fantasies or my intellectual (or even physical at times) distractions; to my world that connects me with the people/things/responsibilities in my life. Living this double life leaves me feeling that I can never truly, genuinely be my entire self in either world.

I know I have to give myself credit for all the work I've done to better my situation, by striving to heal and grow as a person. I have to appreciate myself for my commitment to working through some of the issues of my past, related to what happened two years ago and other unrelated events in my life prior to that. I have to respect myself for my initiative; with goals in mind of freeing myself from blocks, tension, trauma and repressed emotions that have hindered my well-being for far too long. I have to forgive myself for my indiscretions, my struggle, faults, mistakes, my fear and neglect- and realize how difficult it is, and how strong I've had to be (and am) to decide that I want better. I want a better life for myself, and I deserve a better life than I've had thus far- with more love, compassion, patience and support than I've given myself before. I can't say it's always easy to remember to be gentle, to take a deep breath and realize that nothing is the end of the world. Right or wrong, success or failure I'll always reach the heights that I set out to. I'm grateful I've had some genuinely caring and supportive people in my life to remind me of a lot of these things when I forget.

I want to learn to give my heart, my spirit and all of my inner world- the kind of companionship that I could never find in another person. I want to know where the road travels in the journey of learning to love myself... more each day- and holding on to that when things get tough.

Two Years and a Lifetime

The 2nd anniversary of one of the most violent, heartbreaking events in my entire life is approaching. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it. It's hard to believe that two whole years have gone by, but it's equally as difficult to fully appreciate all the progress I've made and how far I've come. Some days I am full of pride- other days I can only acknowledge how long the road is ahead- and how far I need to go. I've learned a lot of lessons along the way- I've learned that things I've done in my life seem to perpetuate the trauma I've experienced. I've learned that living with PTSD is like living with a metastasizing tumor at times...I never know when it might pop back up, never know when my skeletons might jump out of the closet and make an appearance. I never really know if it is gone, never really know if it will return. If I don't take care of myself, it just eats me up inside. If I think about it too much and interfere with my body's natural process- it only exacerbates the problem. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way, I've created incredible triumphs in my life as well. I've grown, I've hurt, I've had joy- and I've suffered. I've loved, and I've hated.. I've sung, and I've screamed. I often ask myself, what now? What do I do with the emotions that still live inside me? What do I do to deal with the fear of approaching .. unfamiliar territory?

Last year on the one year anniversary, I had some very .. tangible flashbacks. I experienced memories in which I could literally feel, touch, smell and see what happened to me. I remembered parts of the night that I had previously blacked out- parts of the night that pieced together the sequence of events of when I was raped the night of August 25, 2007. I remembered some of the things he said, remembered how it felt when he forced himself on me. The smile on his face, the taunting words, the disgust I felt. The shame was potent, and I could literally feel it just as I had a year before that day. It stirred me up inside so violently that it is almost as if I experienced it all over again. I lived in fear all over again, and felt traumatized by the fact that .. this rape .. was over but yet it felt as if it never really stopped happening. It made me doubt that my protections, my security was enough.. I wondered if my strength was enough to keep me going. I wondered if the fear would ever go away, or if I would never be able to let go. Or maybe it wasn't about me letting go at all, maybe I could never change the grip these events had on me. Maybe I just had to wait until it let go of me?

Five months ago I returned to the campus of the university I attended, returned to the community that welcomed and cultivated such a huge part of my life and who I am as a person. I gave so much of myself while there, and I was a trained advocate and helped many survivors with their healing process.. and recovering right after being raped or assaulted. I was the first person that many of them spoke to, after living a nightmare. After being attacked, after being violated. I returned to that place that created a hope inside of me, created a lifetime of devotion to helping survivors. I returned to a place with a new devotion- to help myself. I took a huge step in healing that day, in a way I didn't fully comprehend until after it was over. I shared my story for the first time, in a room of over 100 people. It was the first time I shared my experiences with more than two people at a time. I stood up in front of all those people, with my sister at my side, and I talked about what happened to me. I surprised myself at how strong I was, the courage it took to walk up onto that platform and speak of my horror. I had patience and compassion for myself when I had to stop a few times because I choked up with tears and when I lost my breath. I had the new found comfort with silence with me in those moments, and shared as much in those moments as I did in all of the ones I spent talking. A few women came up and hugged me after I spoke- even though they were complete strangers. They thanked ME, and I was so incredibly moved and humbled by that experience. I helped them, and I never knew I could in the way that I did. It felt .. so wonderful. I knew I made a difference, and I knew I was moving forward. I loved, appreciated and respected myself a little bit more that day.. I grew as a person that day. I blossomed, and I was rejuvenated in a beautiful way.

I just want to bring a little more hope with me this year, a little more love, a little more compassion and faith with me as this anniversary approaches. I can't predict how it will feel, I can't predict what will happen. I can only stay in my corner and take each moment as it comes. I don't live in fear anymore- and I am working to have faith in myself-- knowing that I don't have to fear it anymore. I just wanted to share... thanks as always for reading. Please feel free as always to share your stories, artwork, poetry or anything you wish to submit. I'm happy to hear from you!

Life is a Choice You Make

A prayer in resolution, resolve for a change.
Love and life is a choice you make
You can fly or you can break
I can give of myself, or I can take.

Life is a choice that I make
in living for each road that I take
and serving every dream that I plate.
I have to remember to breathe the love in me.

It's my time to keep moving forward
each day seems brighter, each night calmer
each breeze sweeter, each cloud softer.
I face this mad world with my deepest passion.

________________
(blessing of inspiration from India Arie)