Craving

Do you ever feel as if you are craving attention and you have no idea why?
Does it make you feel motivated to find out why, or do you beat yourself up over it?

What's interesting about this feeling for me is that I am a person that likes to go about my life and make decisions independently without garnering attention or unnecessary praise for the things I do. I don't like to be the center of attention and there's a little voice inside telling me its childish to long for attention.  Whether that is true or not, valid or falsehood; that is what my mind shoots back at me when I feel like I'm feeling right now. This feeling is difficult for me because I see it impacting the way I interact with my partner, and it creates a lingering pain that hovers because of the lack of presence of friends in my life.  Graduate School has required more of my time and energy than I could have ever imagined that it would, despite the numerous  warnings from friends and family members that had already been through it. But it has created a distance between me and the small group of friends that I have, both because of how busy I have become and due to the stress making me want to isolate myself.  It's left me feeling cold and very lonely, throughout much of the last two years.  Being lonely to this extent, at the depth that I have- for the length of time that I have; has created ripples in my spirit.  It really has had an impact on me, and I guess I am writing now; slightly desperate and a little afraid of what exactly has happened inside of me as a result.  I've become quite practiced on putting my deepest emotions on the back burner, to stay focused and open at school, and for the ability to be present with my clients. However, when I have some time for myself and I try to re-visit my "self," often times it is difficult to translate my feelings. Or, to find them at all.  Sometimes I just want to be with someone so I don't have to think about any of it, what I feel or what I see on a daily basis. Just to be me without any title or job description. To put my "healer" hat down for a moment and just live.

Guess I am not very practiced at being forgiving. Or being able to be present with the loneliness and not just feel haunted by it. This is right now, not forever; and my life will always be what I create out of it. *Sigh.* Just keep breathing!  Feel free to share your thoughts, in a poem or just a comment!

Free Fall

I think I'm falling

or the floor beneath me is rising

but I can't seem to stand still

and my mind is reeling

for the sake of feeling

Am I falling?

Or are we emerging?

I can't tell up from down

it feels like we're spinning around

and my pulse is multiplying

I know I'm falling

yet here you firmly stand

with a calm spirit and a flow

of energy that gives me chills

and jump starts my idle heart

For you...

my chest is a revolving door
and you just reach in and pull me out
but I'm no fish out of water in this, love
I'll hit the ground running.

Abandoning Anchor

"We could keep things just the same
leave here the way we came
with nothing to lose
but I don't want to, if you don't want to." -Sugarland

We could sit here on the shore, and
watch as the water moves without us
or walk hand in hand, and
take the boat and actually sail in it.
who cares what the weather brings
we don't need to know everything

just one thing at a time, because one of "us,"
is one more than most can say
the bond we share, and seas we'll sail
are worth more in kind, than
any value could define.

The shores have always been kind to me
soothing and calming me with her waves
protecting my spirit with a wealth
of sea breezes to refresh my tired mind, and
endless depths of strength to guide me.

Perhaps for the first time in my life, I don't
want to think, I just want to jump in.
I know there's no telling where the water will take us
but I know that we'll swim, and I've already won.

I've got a lot of failed sails, sore memories
stowed away wasted messages in bottles that beg us to
map a plan, to navigate the waters and avoid the sands
but for the first time in my life
I don't want to think, or fear
what i could be feeling in reality

Electric Veins (sister poem)

(Sometimes when I post, unfinished... "poems in flux" it is a catalyst for change. This poem has been on the tip of my tongue for a long time, and I'm not sure where to go with it so... here it is so far.)

Charged energy courses through my veins
sparking capricious frequencies in my spirit
that unscrew my consciousness, and set my mind ablaze.
Despite the status quo, my state of being or my life...
When it courses through me...all bets are off.

When the hair on the back of my neck
stands up like the arched back of a startled cat
the air feels thick and appears more sudden
more vulnerable, less connected.
I don't know whether to go to the source
or run for cover to the nearest tree.
Either way I might be stopped by lightning
seizing the wiring inside of me.

Should I be brave? Or more certain for sure...
I'm a self-made woman, fit for the fight.
But I'm tender around the edges
prone to condoning deceit.

Directions

Just to open my eyes, I find that
I must also open my heart, to know that
Everything around me is predestined, to be what
I never thought it could be, and show what
I never thought I would see.

Why didn't anyone tell me the compass is a crock?
That the only way to find direction is to stop
looking for the way the wind is blowing, instead
walking forward to, where your feet lead you.

Just to be able to find you, I had to stop seeing
the image of what I didn't have, instead
of what I wanted for myself, to let go
to be happy to be, completely and genuinely me.

To follow my intuition, fight for a cause I believe in
speaking out so others can speak from within
following my passion as it whispers to my heart
everything you need, is within your walls

The simple rediscovery, of living in all sides of me
is exactly what lead me to you, which leads me to
believe that you've really been here all along
you knew my heart before my eyes ever met you.

Layover

Where has my muse traveled to?
Perhaps it packed my motivation in a carry on
I've been driving along, ambitiously thriving
as my dreams are unfolding before me
but I can't seem to find my luggage
perhaps it landed in a unfamiliar city
and I'm just on a scavenger hunt, minus the list.

I'm on a non-stop flight, almost two years in
The horizon even blesses me, as the sunrise keeps sneaking in
why am I not on the same plane as my dreams?
Where did I go? Why am I flying, if my heart is a no-show?

(to be continued...)

On my Back

(I wrote this almost two years ago, but for some reason I never posted it. But as I am trying to find my inspiration to write again- to connect with myself emotionally in a way that will, make me feel more stable and grounded.... I figured perhaps now, in this time of exploration, is the right time to get it out there.)

How did i get here, how do you figure?
What were we flying on, what was moving us, was it love?
Then why did you shoot it down, how?
Just before i met you, you promised to sweep me off my feet;
and i laughed to myself a little.
I doubted the possibility. But you did. And now i'm on my back.

Why did you shoot it down? How did you feel?
Why did we "work so hard" if this wasn't real?
What were you committed to, if not the ideal?
You said you loved me, beyond the idea of me-
to the person I am in heart and in mind.
Well all I've got left is the ideal now
because you've sworn off loving me.
When I get up now; where do I go?
Wherever I am, you are with me now.
I fear that my love for you will suffocate me
because nobody shares it, so now I must bear it.
As an announcement of my abandonment..
Why am I always left with the scarlet letter?

Why am I always told "you can find something better?"
Why do I always hear, "I care about you, but I'm not ready."
Who's to say that I'm ready either?
What is it about me that pressures you so
when I was around you it seemed that you knew
just what you wanted and just how you felt
but now you've defied it and left me to swell.
The cavity in my chest, feels like it will burst
all while reeling I'm alone and afraid, hurting and denied
I try to stay positive, but it all has been tried.