Unfinished mark of the anniversary of change.

One year ago...Death marked the end of fear, beginning of change, extension of strength..
_________________________________________________

Fighting the loneliness everyday
it seems that the mountain's the only way.
Climbing and fighting my life away
bearing the weather to break through again.

I know that tomorrow I'll stand on the top
still inches between me and the way to drop.
Only my will to fend off the dark thoughts
that threaten my balance and ask me to stop.

Although the horizon is warm and bright
I struggle to feel it while alone in the night.
The sun in the morning reminds me to fight
the moon in the evening reveals my true plight.

Fiery passion fuels the trail to descend
the rush of the rivers will guide me to mend.
The force of balance that each boulder lends
brings blessings of silence; the fusion of strength.

____________________________________________

Not my typical style at all... but I guess this coming anniversary is anything but typical...

Sometimes the most cathartic thing in the world...

Is remembering how fortunate you are. I'm trying... each and everyday as the one year anniversary approaches. To celebrate the positive, to celebrate my health, to celebrate where I've come. The negativity will come. I can't prevent the feelings, the hurt, the fear, the likely nightmares. But I am growing back into myself more and more everyday. This was my practice earlier today...

"Nothing compares to the love I've received from my family & friends this year. Nothing compares to the support I've received, from those that love me. I am continuously humbled and touched by the amount of patience, humility, intuition, and concern my friends and loved ones have shown me. Never could I ever expect or dream of better friends.. and I know how incredibly fortunate I am. There are those of you I haven't talked to in a while, and those of you that aren't in touch with me right now for whatever reason. There are those of you that have supported me by giving me the space I needed, and there are those of you that stood by me this year through thick and thin- without hesitation. There's even a few of you that stuck with me night and day through all of the chaos, fury, anger, nightmares- flashbacks and so on. There are those of you that didn't flinch when I couldn't stop crying, never creeped away when I'd lose my temper for no reason, never judged when I didn't want to get up some mornings, or didn't want to leave the house. There are those of you that didn't expect or ask me to smile even though I usually would be, and there are those of you who refused to give up trying to give me moments of joy--even for a couple seconds to ease the ache. There are those of you that didn't flinch or step away when I was irritable and difficult- or just plain old cold. There are those of you who dragged me out of the house when I hid too long, those of you who came just to give me some company--even though I couldn't talk.. or didn't have anything to offer/say. There are those of you that would remember to give me a phone call here and there- just to find out how I was doing- and to remind me that you love me. There are those of you who just hugged or held me when I couldn't tell you what I needed--when I honestly didn't know and felt completely empty.

There's a few of you who were there in the days after 8/25/07 who listened as I told you what happened- and NEVER for a second were disturbed or thrown for a loop. There are those of you who looked me in the eyes when I completely lost it, and those that were stable and calm when I couldn't even stand-- when I really needed you. There are those of you who even held my hand and walked with me when I did some very difficult things. Those of you that stayed with me some nights when I woke up crying, or just going out of my mind.

I want each and every one of you to know just how much I appreciate you. I want you to know that every single day... for the last 365 (almost) days I have felt that your love saved my life. Every single day I knew, every single day I held on to your love and support for my dear life. Each and every one of you gave me a reason to hold on when I wanted to give up. Everyday, even though I didn't tell you-- you gave me a reason to get up in the morning. I didn't tell you what I felt inside and you continued to love and support me anyway. (even when I didn't have the words to show you that I knew-- and appreciated you.) I know I may have hurt some people along the way, I know there are those who didn't really know what was going on with me and I couldn't find it in my heart to tell you. I want to re-connect with each and every one of you, and little by little I know now that I can show you just how much you impact me.

Whether we have not been in touch for a while, regardless of the ups and downs leading up to today. Whether you have been hurt by what I have said and might be upset with me or vice versa.. every single one of you .. I want you to know how much I thank you. Without you I don't know where I'd be and my heart carries you all when the days get dark. I know I have a long road ahead of me-- but I also know how far I've come. You've had so much to do with that, and I feel it's important for me to finally say that. You know who you are, thank you all for helping me realize that I can do this, and I can continue to do this in the days ahead, healing, believing, growing and finding peace and happiness and finding myself again.

Forever I will remember you, and what you have done and shown me. I send my love out to you.....

Yours Truly"

Silver Lining

Why does life have a silver lining? Why are there so many beautiful things in life, that make you feel on top of the world- but then have such potential to absolutely crush you. Why am I so open, and give of my heart so freely- when I've been let down so many times? How can I ever.. prevent bringing this jaded sense of doom into a future relationship?

For the last three years I've given my heart .. to one person. This person gave me such joy- and such companionship unlike anything I have ever felt. We have so many good memories together- regardless of how much we struggled towards the end of our relationship. Towards the beginning, this person was so sure that they wanted to spend their life with me- so sure that it even made me a bit nervous because I coudn't see that far into the future. Eventually, through trials and tribulations- fights and resolutions, I came to the realization that the love we had put me in a place I wanted to bring into the future. The companionship and cooperation we tried to create between us- made me feel so much more capable to face the world. The dark sides of me, the damaged, painful and scary parts of me didn't phase my partner. My partner loved who I was, what I felt, regardless of my baggage. I wanted to settle down for all time, regardless of any fear that it wouldn't work... or that I'd be let down. I made mistakes, I hurt her feelings, I demanded too much, I tried too hard, I pushed too hard, so many things over the three years. I knew that at times I made things harder. Never in all of the things that I had done and hadn't done, out of all the mistakes I made- never did it seem impossible for me to always improve and become a better partner. In all actuality I tried as hard as I could to make it my way of being in the relationship, being a work in progress. I wished for the same thing from my partner, even though I didn't always get it. Regardless of the pain she caused me over the span of our relationship, I had this enduring hope that we'd break through the darkness that we experienced. I had hope that the problems we had individually that interfered with us getting along... I had hope that we'd perservere and become stronger because of it. I put my heart and soul, into the love I had for my partner, and my mind to do the best I could to keep it strong.

Then my love came to bite me. Then my partner stabbed me in the back. Then one of my best friends in the entire world, betrayed me. Two of the most important people in my world, waited until my back was turned to completely throw everything away, including my heart. I gave my all, I gave my heart, only to have it pierced with heartless decisions... the ones I was most vulnerable to, the ones I NEVER imagined would not be a part of my life... they were also the people who completely devastated me. They were the people who decided to throw our trust away, to throw our history away, and to throw our friendship away. Those were the same people who decided that a night of pleasure was worth more than so many years of friendship and more. My heart isn't returnable... even if I wanted it to be, I can't take it back. I can't tell my heart to stop loving. I can't tell it to just forget it... and even if I thought it would be a good idea to try- my heart wouldn't listen. I can't tell it that this person doesn't deserve it anymore, I can't reach out and grab it back because things have changed. No matter how much these two people hurt me and deserted me, I can't stop loving them because they had my heart already. They had my soul, they had my life, I trusted everything with them. They were the people I thought were my soulmates, I thought they were the people most central to life- that they would always bring me joy until the last days I breathe. They were the people who I thought made me so much more of a person, because of how much they impacted me. They sabotaged that, they spit in the face of what I thought we all held so dear, they decided it was- and in turn I was expendable, replaceable, unimportant. This was no mistake, they decided to do this- whether they admit it or not. There's no silver lining to that.

So much has happened in the last year. So much has changed. I've been struggling with things I never imagined could happen. Outside of my friendships and relationships, I've had such a large battle with darkness- that I've only now started to feel like I'm actually winning, or at least putting up an equally as powerful of a fight. Then heartbreak became reality. I don't want to be brought back down in hell-- I perservered for too long to lose it now, I can't go back there. I don't want to give up all of the work I have done, and all of the things I've acheived.. and how far I have come.. because of this. I don't want to be anywhere else for one of the first times in my life, and regardless of the pain I don't want to let this rob me of my hope, and faith which have both recently re-introduced themselves in my life. Where's my silver lining? Where's the time that I get a little nudge in the right direction? Every step I take has been the most difficult, the heaviest of any movement I've ever had. I've been blinded for so much time, I've been lost for far too long. I don't want to abandon myself. I'm scared, confused, strained and tired. I pray for release, every day and night. I pray that I continue this fight and never give up.

Ten Days, until the day I died...

until the day my heart sizzled into nothing
Ten days until the day I fell
into an abyss I could never find or
ever escape from hell inside.

Ten days to the day my life fell apart
and spread my pieces all over a world
that I couldn't penetrate.
Ten days to the day I looked in the mirror
and didn't recognize the person looking back.
The living dead before my eyes;
I feared the person in the reflection
a perfect stranger looking in.

Ten days until the day I lost myself
and the soul inside my skin was
scratching, gasping, crying, clawing
to shed the walls that kept her in.
Ten days until I felt the soul
inside me die; and I was powerless
to revive the life that stuttered to a stop.
Ten days until my heart stopped beating
if for an instant it felt as if
it burst open at the seams.

Ten days until the blood inside my veins
was a river of poison covered knives
slicing every source of air
my body could breathe in.
Ten days until the day my legs gave out
my shoulders bowed, my eyes went black.
Ten days until the day I lost my smile
my skin went pale, and my mind went wild.
Ten days until my muscles tightened
my fingers clenched, my torso bent.
Ten days until I crawled inside myself
vowing never to return.

Ten days until a lifetime passed
when eternity became a year.
I must have missed "God's" intuition
when steeped in hell to perservere.
My only hope was my direction
wavering on my faith in love;
my very essense was depending
on my never giving in.
This small raft on which I'm sailing
has stayed afloat just for a while,
just enough to poke my head
out from under the sea i've been
hiding in.

But can you find me where I'm sailing?
When will I know its safe,
to enter into a world demanding
me to cope with my despair
while knowing he's saved face?

Anger

Anger.


Won't get the best of me.

Bitterness, pettiness, ignorance, senseless claims and rash words are a waste of time. I've wasted enough, and this isn't worth fighting over. There's no fight to have, I've got one way to go, and that's out. Good riddance to negativity, I'm moving through and won't stop at any obstacle. Go ahead, get in my way- I dare you. I won't say I won't ever have doubts, I won't say I will never slip. But I'll be damned before I let myself give up again, giving up on myself isn't an option anymore. I'm moving for love, I'm moving for my life, I'm moving for something better in this world- I deserve better for me.

I've felt all the pain, and I'll feel it again. It will follow me always, but it won't break me again. My pieces may be apart, but all is not lost. I'm working for faith, I'm working for myself- and for a greater future, a greater life ... for ME. I'm in this for myself, its nice to finally be in my own corner. It's about time I believe- in what I can do, and what I have done to get through this life. It's the time now, as it has been before to believe in who I am and what I'm made of. I've worried enough, I've lost enough sleep. Today will bring change, tomorrow will bring more. I'll continue to learn to flex, and stay strong when things get stormy again. I'll know that I can get through anything, nothing can break me again. I will fall, and I will get up again. I will lose energy at times, but re-energize again- and I will fear things but I will face them now as I have nothing to lose. Death will bring the end to this life, but whenever that may be I want to know I've lived as much as I could in the life that I've been blessed with.

I'll kick and I'll scream, I'll get lost in my mind. My heart will get cloudy, my outlook can be blind. But I have to keep moving, clarity won't find me if I continue to run. I'm going to be here, and everywhere else- but I will be ready when my day will come. I've been hurt, I've been abused- but I won't continue it towards me I will tend to my wounds. They won't be the name of me, or cover my face but they are part of me but not all of me just another part to embrace. Being lost is only a part of the plan, there's no way I can lose direction I just need to slow down sometimes. Sometimes the path just changes- and I have to continue to follow where my heart leads me, and listen to the answers it gives me. Even when it hurts.