Silver Lining

Why does life have a silver lining? Why are there so many beautiful things in life, that make you feel on top of the world- but then have such potential to absolutely crush you. Why am I so open, and give of my heart so freely- when I've been let down so many times? How can I ever.. prevent bringing this jaded sense of doom into a future relationship?

For the last three years I've given my heart .. to one person. This person gave me such joy- and such companionship unlike anything I have ever felt. We have so many good memories together- regardless of how much we struggled towards the end of our relationship. Towards the beginning, this person was so sure that they wanted to spend their life with me- so sure that it even made me a bit nervous because I coudn't see that far into the future. Eventually, through trials and tribulations- fights and resolutions, I came to the realization that the love we had put me in a place I wanted to bring into the future. The companionship and cooperation we tried to create between us- made me feel so much more capable to face the world. The dark sides of me, the damaged, painful and scary parts of me didn't phase my partner. My partner loved who I was, what I felt, regardless of my baggage. I wanted to settle down for all time, regardless of any fear that it wouldn't work... or that I'd be let down. I made mistakes, I hurt her feelings, I demanded too much, I tried too hard, I pushed too hard, so many things over the three years. I knew that at times I made things harder. Never in all of the things that I had done and hadn't done, out of all the mistakes I made- never did it seem impossible for me to always improve and become a better partner. In all actuality I tried as hard as I could to make it my way of being in the relationship, being a work in progress. I wished for the same thing from my partner, even though I didn't always get it. Regardless of the pain she caused me over the span of our relationship, I had this enduring hope that we'd break through the darkness that we experienced. I had hope that the problems we had individually that interfered with us getting along... I had hope that we'd perservere and become stronger because of it. I put my heart and soul, into the love I had for my partner, and my mind to do the best I could to keep it strong.

Then my love came to bite me. Then my partner stabbed me in the back. Then one of my best friends in the entire world, betrayed me. Two of the most important people in my world, waited until my back was turned to completely throw everything away, including my heart. I gave my all, I gave my heart, only to have it pierced with heartless decisions... the ones I was most vulnerable to, the ones I NEVER imagined would not be a part of my life... they were also the people who completely devastated me. They were the people who decided to throw our trust away, to throw our history away, and to throw our friendship away. Those were the same people who decided that a night of pleasure was worth more than so many years of friendship and more. My heart isn't returnable... even if I wanted it to be, I can't take it back. I can't tell my heart to stop loving. I can't tell it to just forget it... and even if I thought it would be a good idea to try- my heart wouldn't listen. I can't tell it that this person doesn't deserve it anymore, I can't reach out and grab it back because things have changed. No matter how much these two people hurt me and deserted me, I can't stop loving them because they had my heart already. They had my soul, they had my life, I trusted everything with them. They were the people I thought were my soulmates, I thought they were the people most central to life- that they would always bring me joy until the last days I breathe. They were the people who I thought made me so much more of a person, because of how much they impacted me. They sabotaged that, they spit in the face of what I thought we all held so dear, they decided it was- and in turn I was expendable, replaceable, unimportant. This was no mistake, they decided to do this- whether they admit it or not. There's no silver lining to that.

So much has happened in the last year. So much has changed. I've been struggling with things I never imagined could happen. Outside of my friendships and relationships, I've had such a large battle with darkness- that I've only now started to feel like I'm actually winning, or at least putting up an equally as powerful of a fight. Then heartbreak became reality. I don't want to be brought back down in hell-- I perservered for too long to lose it now, I can't go back there. I don't want to give up all of the work I have done, and all of the things I've acheived.. and how far I have come.. because of this. I don't want to be anywhere else for one of the first times in my life, and regardless of the pain I don't want to let this rob me of my hope, and faith which have both recently re-introduced themselves in my life. Where's my silver lining? Where's the time that I get a little nudge in the right direction? Every step I take has been the most difficult, the heaviest of any movement I've ever had. I've been blinded for so much time, I've been lost for far too long. I don't want to abandon myself. I'm scared, confused, strained and tired. I pray for release, every day and night. I pray that I continue this fight and never give up.