Different Kind of Lonely

Painfully lonely.... is a different type of lonely. It's not just, an emptiness. It's not just, needing to make other connections and making new friends. For once in my life, and now more than ever I have to be honest with myself. I have to be .. there for myself for one of the first times in my life... instead of being there for everyone else but me. I have no choice now. Everything that I never imagined could have happened to me-- so far-- has happened this past year. I've survived through some of the most horrific things a woman has to live through. I'm still here. I need to be my own friend- I need to listen to myself in a way that I've always known how to listen.. for someone else. This loneliness isn't just longing to be around other people. To be honest- its really not that at all. I just hurt. What I've been through... hurt. It still hurts today on so many different levels. I can't feel ashamed for that, it is what it is and the more I try to hide it- the more I force myself to be or to act strong... the farther I am from healing. I broke down in tears today.. randomly for one of the first times... in months. It's been so hard for me to get in touch with my feelings, nevermind actually be able.. to really cry like I did.. tonight. It just kind of hit me. My heart came back and i just all of the sudden connected with myself again...and.. I hurt. And I'm realizing that this is okay. I'm human. I'm still moving on, and I've moved on from some really difficult times, and some very difficult things that happened to and around me. My having experienced this overflow of feeling tonight was just a reminder.. I'm in there. I really thought I was gone a year ago. Even four months ago. I'm not gone. I can't pretend that what has happened to me, doesn't still affect me. I can't even pretend, that there's anything I can do- no matter how wonderful, fun, distracting or whatever it may be. I can't do anything to make this go away. It is a part of me, this healing is a part of my journey and very much a part of who I am. And no more do I want to banish any part of me, than I do want to wallow in this pain. I'm not a dweller... I'm not the type of person to sit and just wait as life goes by. I've never been that person. I spent months beating myself up for not being able to move on. For not being able to get up and brush myself off. But truth of the matter is I have. I'm still doing it, and I'm doing better and better everday. I'm stronger today than I ever was, before any of this ever happened. That's a wonderful triumph for me and for me to even be able to say that I accomplished this- is an amazing thing. I am giving myself credit for this which is something I never could do before. I am a survivor. What happened to me, was a horrible, painful nightmare sequence of events that will haunt me for a very long time. But I am a survivor- I didn't let go and I deserve my own support. I didn't give up, I got back up again and I worked through all of the hell. I dealt with things in the way I knew how, and in the way I thought was best for me. A lot of this work has been alone. I needed that for myself. At first I thought I could avoid people because it hurt too much to share what happened. Now I feel like part of that was for me... and I feel that I needed to do this for myself. I needed to learn how to truly care for myself in the way that I really have to... in order to get the most out of life. To heal, and to free my heart means that some day-- my heart will be whole again- will be something I can continue to give.. and I can continue to love in the only way I've ever known how. ... with everything I have.

I've survived, I'm surviving, and I will continue to do that. I have so much hope that i can continue to help other women do the same thing. Hope, is a wonderful thing- and has its own healing power in and of itself. Dealing with heartbreak and betrayal.. that I experienced... has also been a monumental challenge. The pain I still feel from that is very real. I once had a wonderful feeling, a wonderful comfort and love in a relationship- but that relationship went sour. That relationship went downward and then ended in a very traumatic, painful way. If I didn't still hurt from this happening two and a half months ago- I would be a robot. I would be a rock, a completely unfeeling- inhuman thing. I'm not that- I could never fool ANYone else into thinking that's who I am. Myself included- and I'm done lying to myself about it. I do still hurt- and I still do have a lot of feelings to work through. That doesn't mean I don't need anyone. I know I need my friends now more than ever- and I still hope to find new ones and learn to have fun and be myself in this new world that seems to have opened itself up to me. I still have that same hunger for joy, that same hunger to meet new people and have fun in life- to be free and even childlike which I love to do --- and love to experience in my life. I can do that too. I can have both. I've not been derailed by this emotion- and truth is I've learned not to fear it anymore. I'm not afraid of being overwhelmed by my own emotions anymore- and for the first time in my life I can also say that I'm NOT my own worst enemy as I have always been. I am no longer. There's nothing like being completely obliterated... broken... to make me realize how much I need myself. How much I need... me to be in my own corner. I'm there... I have to be... and I want to be. I'm here. I guess in being honest with myself I just wanted to be able to get this out because I'm not ashamed of any of it. I'm also pretty much done hiding from other people too- regardless of who is or isn't reading this. I've held on to so much over this last .. over a year now- and kept so much from so many people. It wasn't my intention to do exactly that but this is what has happened and this is where I am now.

For anyone who actually is reading. Thanks for sticking with me. Thanks for reading through this. If you are- it either means that you've been.. such a wonderful friend and helped me in a way that I could never explain. OR, it means you are a very compassionate person that has been touched- or is standing next to me during this experience I am having. Either way, I don't consider either stance insignificant. I want you to know I thank you.

Love, peace..healing... grounding....I wish you all (and I wish myself) the best. Goodnight... or in my case.. good morning to the deepest insomniac in me. :)

Gleaming yet Fearful

As I stand up gleaming, I've found the air!
Do you see me or hear me?

There are a couple people left as I stand up and re-adjust to my surroundings. I look around and I see a beautiful, wonderful group of people proud and smiling while looking back at me. I see a few new faces too, a few people seeing me for the first time. I feel like I'm a part of that second group, as I am seeing myself for the first time too. I'm feeling some of the things I feel, for the very first time as well. My body and mind, my spirit and soul sense things differently now- and as I take in the world around me it is as if I am in a entirely new place that I've never been before. Some of my days lately, are so filled with joy that I don't know how to function without feeling like I'm going to burst, to yell and scream and bounce like a child.

Some days are very dark though. Some days I feel fear, and I feel alone more than I have ever felt in my entire life. I'm not sure where the bridge is between these places, as long before a year ago- I've always struggled with dark and light. Somehow these don't feel like two parts of me anymore though- it feels more like there are all of these doors that are just waiting for me to open them... but I don't have all the keys yet. So, I'm sitting here with the few keys I have left wondering which door they go in. I've gone through a couple that I found keys for, and I don't know where I'm supposed to go next. Sometimes, I go through one door and it opens up a bright world for me, but when I go to look for the next door I can't find the one I entered through. I just feel lost. I still feel disconnected, and I feel as if I've exhausted sources. This could be my own fear that I am creating for myself, I know that I worry I've burdened my loved ones too much. It's not as if I am trying to make myself believe that I am an island... but I am just so lonely. I'm finding the only hills that are .. very hard for me to climb is the ones that involve socializing. I find that I'm having a hard time finding a way to join in with others, and put myself out there to introduce myself to strangers in a friendly environment. I've passively searched for writing workshops, and other social activities but when it comes to joining up I just make excuses. I feel so free, I feel so.. much better than I did before. I am not invisible, I am not impenetrable. I still feel pain from what happened, AND from all of the days I lost struggling to get back to where I am right now. I still get angry, sad, fearful.. all of that. But difference is I feel like a part of the world now. I feel like a strong, beautiful, capable, giving, loving person. But I still want so badly to protect myself, that I'm finding it hard to... come out of my comfort zone socially.. enough to actually do something new like ... join a group of some kind. I guess life gives me a path to follow sometimes. BUT, what I want to tackle.. what I want to improve on is making my own path. Pushing ahead when there is no map, and following my heart and what I want even if it doesn't exist yet... paving the road if I have to. Would love to hear your thoughts....

Empty Nest

Where do you begin to pick up the pieces
when everything is lost?
Where do you turn to, through all of the damage
when your spirit has been tossed?
What do you cling to, to weather the storm
when the branches that held you, are covered with thorns?

I found a way to cover my head long enough for me to find peace and quiet in a world filled with chaos and pain. I hid my eyes long enough to refocus in this blinding culture filled with indignity and injustice. I look to myself now, instead of around to find the support to remain on firm ground. I stand up with my eyes straight ahead, I don't bow or hide when I face others. I find that its harder now to reach out to others though, I find it much harder to trust I feel nervousness and fear where before it didn't phase me. Instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve, I hold my hands to cover my chest- not fully aware of when its okay to let it out. I'm relearning to connect with others-- when for a year I made it my goal to remain outside of any circles of awareness. It's almost if I'm relearning to speak and walk after having a stroke, or after being in a coma for over a year. Others don't realize how much has changed, or even that I am a completely different person than I was before August 25th, 2007. Some of those weeks prior to that date ended up being the last time I saw many of my friends-- before now.. as I'm attempting to reconnect. Sometimes I look back at this year and feel baffled, wondering what exactly it was I held on to- as it felt I was on a freefall into a black hole that would swallow me whole, never to return. Sometimes I wonder where my faith came from, and how I found it through all of the wreckage inside of me.


"Those thieving birds
Hang strung from an empty nest
This swan plagued pond
Forsaken and under whelmed
Those leaving words
Hang strong from an emptiness
Hang strong from an emptiness
Those thieving birds
Hang strung from an empty nest

This is tearing me apart
If the sun won't shine
Forever will never be fine
Underneath the hollow ground
Lies a night time sky
For only a desperate eye

When I'm paranoid I see walls behind walls behind walls
When I'm over joyed I see falls over falls over falls
When I'm all alone I'll be wary and careful to
Only eat with uncles
Never talk to strangers
God is in the kitchen
Faking baby dangers

Change whatever karma means
For the only things that end never truly begin
If this streets air ain't up to par
I'll take my clothes and take this strange behaviour...

...If this keeps tearing me apart
The walls come down won't stop this empty feeling
For everything apart from this." - Silverchair, "Those Theiving Birds"

When to Say Goodbye...

It's hard to know when to walk away. It's equally as difficult to know when you need to take a person out of your life that has been so very much a part of you. Literally removing this person, can feel like you are ripping out a piece/part of you and throwing it away. It feels so horrible, so violent and harsh- and no matter what your mind understands- it's so ... so hard to convince your or my body. The body just doesn't work that way.

I've come to realize that pain works along the same lines. There are nightmares that will follow me until the last moment I breathe. There are hurtful memories and feelings that will always return and dissipate at a moment's notice- and without warning and without mercy. There are those in life that will turn away from me because of my hardship, and turn away from so many other women out there- as if a blind eye saves them from a disease. Each and everyone of us as survivors of rape and/or abuse will see the day where a person completely insults the very core of what it means to be you, the person that you are, to have survived horrors most will never see, or ever even fathom. There will be a day where each and everyone of us feels completely scorned from the world we live in- because of how little some others care about their mothers, sisters, grandmothers, friends, aunts, girlfriends, wives... mentors- because they don't think they have anything to do with it. There are many days where it feels like my pain is my own, and no one will ever even scratch the surface- considering the little regard a majority of people have for survivors these days. In the less than 1 in 16 monsters that actually are taken to court- the trials seem more focused on humiliating and testing the survivors, rather than interrogating the filthy worthless perpetrators. Did you dress a certain way? Did you consent to sex before with this person, did you say no firmly enough? Did you tease the perpetrator or "act sexy?" Essentially, did you breathe- wake up in the morning and decide to be only the person that you are- sexy, loving, vibrant- woman or man? What is it that brings a limit to continuing, renewing horror? When will it be our turn to seek redemption for all of this pain- to actually receive the same protection under this "law" and this country that every one else does? Even if you never have the opportunity, whether you are a survivor or not- turn on the TV. Pay attention to what you see. Ask yourself the question here (as trials and stories of rape and abuse are extremely prevalent all over TV programs free ranging from ludicrous to partially accurate), which person survived through being raped, and STRIPPED of any sense of security, privacy, heart, spirit that they have? Which person is the SURVIVOR? Then ask yourself- how is this trial geared or who is it geared towards putting on trial?

Every day is a battle between dark and light. Every day I wake up, I can decide to fight, give up, or just do my best. But this pain doesn't own me anymore. I'm wiping, cleaning and disowning the filth, deceit, violence, worthlessness, disgust and heartlessness off of my body. This is not my load to bear. The person who brought me horrors that I never thought possible- this person will receive their day. I won't-- I won't be given anything, the only thing that I get is what I give myself. I won't get my day in court. I won't get my chance to be protected by the excuse for a system of justice otherwise known as law. I won't get a spot to fight back. But I have a chance to live. I have a chance to heal my wounds, I have a chance to hold on to my spirit- and refuse to be robbed of who I am- and what I need. I have a chance to reach out to other survivors who have fared far worse than I have. I have a chance to reconnect with my loved ones who have stayed firm, stood by me loyally and genuinely- regardless of how detached I became. The pain will return. My anger will still overwhelm me at times- and my fears will still follow me. But each and everyday I say goodbye to an inch more of fear. An ounce more of tension. And each day I grasp a hold on to another moment of joy, another smile with a free heart, and another way to say I love you. Another day to wake up and realize I am so, very alive, good and bad, pain and peace. Know that I will always listen and read your responses. Know that I hope to hear from any of you readers out there who have something to offer- because I will listen- and will be with you in this isolation. Survivors can survive together, and it certainly helps to know we aren't alone. Say goodbye a little more everyday to all that ails and weighs you down......