Different Kind of Lonely

Painfully lonely.... is a different type of lonely. It's not just, an emptiness. It's not just, needing to make other connections and making new friends. For once in my life, and now more than ever I have to be honest with myself. I have to be .. there for myself for one of the first times in my life... instead of being there for everyone else but me. I have no choice now. Everything that I never imagined could have happened to me-- so far-- has happened this past year. I've survived through some of the most horrific things a woman has to live through. I'm still here. I need to be my own friend- I need to listen to myself in a way that I've always known how to listen.. for someone else. This loneliness isn't just longing to be around other people. To be honest- its really not that at all. I just hurt. What I've been through... hurt. It still hurts today on so many different levels. I can't feel ashamed for that, it is what it is and the more I try to hide it- the more I force myself to be or to act strong... the farther I am from healing. I broke down in tears today.. randomly for one of the first times... in months. It's been so hard for me to get in touch with my feelings, nevermind actually be able.. to really cry like I did.. tonight. It just kind of hit me. My heart came back and i just all of the sudden connected with myself again...and.. I hurt. And I'm realizing that this is okay. I'm human. I'm still moving on, and I've moved on from some really difficult times, and some very difficult things that happened to and around me. My having experienced this overflow of feeling tonight was just a reminder.. I'm in there. I really thought I was gone a year ago. Even four months ago. I'm not gone. I can't pretend that what has happened to me, doesn't still affect me. I can't even pretend, that there's anything I can do- no matter how wonderful, fun, distracting or whatever it may be. I can't do anything to make this go away. It is a part of me, this healing is a part of my journey and very much a part of who I am. And no more do I want to banish any part of me, than I do want to wallow in this pain. I'm not a dweller... I'm not the type of person to sit and just wait as life goes by. I've never been that person. I spent months beating myself up for not being able to move on. For not being able to get up and brush myself off. But truth of the matter is I have. I'm still doing it, and I'm doing better and better everday. I'm stronger today than I ever was, before any of this ever happened. That's a wonderful triumph for me and for me to even be able to say that I accomplished this- is an amazing thing. I am giving myself credit for this which is something I never could do before. I am a survivor. What happened to me, was a horrible, painful nightmare sequence of events that will haunt me for a very long time. But I am a survivor- I didn't let go and I deserve my own support. I didn't give up, I got back up again and I worked through all of the hell. I dealt with things in the way I knew how, and in the way I thought was best for me. A lot of this work has been alone. I needed that for myself. At first I thought I could avoid people because it hurt too much to share what happened. Now I feel like part of that was for me... and I feel that I needed to do this for myself. I needed to learn how to truly care for myself in the way that I really have to... in order to get the most out of life. To heal, and to free my heart means that some day-- my heart will be whole again- will be something I can continue to give.. and I can continue to love in the only way I've ever known how. ... with everything I have.

I've survived, I'm surviving, and I will continue to do that. I have so much hope that i can continue to help other women do the same thing. Hope, is a wonderful thing- and has its own healing power in and of itself. Dealing with heartbreak and betrayal.. that I experienced... has also been a monumental challenge. The pain I still feel from that is very real. I once had a wonderful feeling, a wonderful comfort and love in a relationship- but that relationship went sour. That relationship went downward and then ended in a very traumatic, painful way. If I didn't still hurt from this happening two and a half months ago- I would be a robot. I would be a rock, a completely unfeeling- inhuman thing. I'm not that- I could never fool ANYone else into thinking that's who I am. Myself included- and I'm done lying to myself about it. I do still hurt- and I still do have a lot of feelings to work through. That doesn't mean I don't need anyone. I know I need my friends now more than ever- and I still hope to find new ones and learn to have fun and be myself in this new world that seems to have opened itself up to me. I still have that same hunger for joy, that same hunger to meet new people and have fun in life- to be free and even childlike which I love to do --- and love to experience in my life. I can do that too. I can have both. I've not been derailed by this emotion- and truth is I've learned not to fear it anymore. I'm not afraid of being overwhelmed by my own emotions anymore- and for the first time in my life I can also say that I'm NOT my own worst enemy as I have always been. I am no longer. There's nothing like being completely obliterated... broken... to make me realize how much I need myself. How much I need... me to be in my own corner. I'm there... I have to be... and I want to be. I'm here. I guess in being honest with myself I just wanted to be able to get this out because I'm not ashamed of any of it. I'm also pretty much done hiding from other people too- regardless of who is or isn't reading this. I've held on to so much over this last .. over a year now- and kept so much from so many people. It wasn't my intention to do exactly that but this is what has happened and this is where I am now.

For anyone who actually is reading. Thanks for sticking with me. Thanks for reading through this. If you are- it either means that you've been.. such a wonderful friend and helped me in a way that I could never explain. OR, it means you are a very compassionate person that has been touched- or is standing next to me during this experience I am having. Either way, I don't consider either stance insignificant. I want you to know I thank you.

Love, peace..healing... grounding....I wish you all (and I wish myself) the best. Goodnight... or in my case.. good morning to the deepest insomniac in me. :)