Gleaming yet Fearful

As I stand up gleaming, I've found the air!
Do you see me or hear me?

There are a couple people left as I stand up and re-adjust to my surroundings. I look around and I see a beautiful, wonderful group of people proud and smiling while looking back at me. I see a few new faces too, a few people seeing me for the first time. I feel like I'm a part of that second group, as I am seeing myself for the first time too. I'm feeling some of the things I feel, for the very first time as well. My body and mind, my spirit and soul sense things differently now- and as I take in the world around me it is as if I am in a entirely new place that I've never been before. Some of my days lately, are so filled with joy that I don't know how to function without feeling like I'm going to burst, to yell and scream and bounce like a child.

Some days are very dark though. Some days I feel fear, and I feel alone more than I have ever felt in my entire life. I'm not sure where the bridge is between these places, as long before a year ago- I've always struggled with dark and light. Somehow these don't feel like two parts of me anymore though- it feels more like there are all of these doors that are just waiting for me to open them... but I don't have all the keys yet. So, I'm sitting here with the few keys I have left wondering which door they go in. I've gone through a couple that I found keys for, and I don't know where I'm supposed to go next. Sometimes, I go through one door and it opens up a bright world for me, but when I go to look for the next door I can't find the one I entered through. I just feel lost. I still feel disconnected, and I feel as if I've exhausted sources. This could be my own fear that I am creating for myself, I know that I worry I've burdened my loved ones too much. It's not as if I am trying to make myself believe that I am an island... but I am just so lonely. I'm finding the only hills that are .. very hard for me to climb is the ones that involve socializing. I find that I'm having a hard time finding a way to join in with others, and put myself out there to introduce myself to strangers in a friendly environment. I've passively searched for writing workshops, and other social activities but when it comes to joining up I just make excuses. I feel so free, I feel so.. much better than I did before. I am not invisible, I am not impenetrable. I still feel pain from what happened, AND from all of the days I lost struggling to get back to where I am right now. I still get angry, sad, fearful.. all of that. But difference is I feel like a part of the world now. I feel like a strong, beautiful, capable, giving, loving person. But I still want so badly to protect myself, that I'm finding it hard to... come out of my comfort zone socially.. enough to actually do something new like ... join a group of some kind. I guess life gives me a path to follow sometimes. BUT, what I want to tackle.. what I want to improve on is making my own path. Pushing ahead when there is no map, and following my heart and what I want even if it doesn't exist yet... paving the road if I have to. Would love to hear your thoughts....