When to Say Goodbye...

It's hard to know when to walk away. It's equally as difficult to know when you need to take a person out of your life that has been so very much a part of you. Literally removing this person, can feel like you are ripping out a piece/part of you and throwing it away. It feels so horrible, so violent and harsh- and no matter what your mind understands- it's so ... so hard to convince your or my body. The body just doesn't work that way.

I've come to realize that pain works along the same lines. There are nightmares that will follow me until the last moment I breathe. There are hurtful memories and feelings that will always return and dissipate at a moment's notice- and without warning and without mercy. There are those in life that will turn away from me because of my hardship, and turn away from so many other women out there- as if a blind eye saves them from a disease. Each and everyone of us as survivors of rape and/or abuse will see the day where a person completely insults the very core of what it means to be you, the person that you are, to have survived horrors most will never see, or ever even fathom. There will be a day where each and everyone of us feels completely scorned from the world we live in- because of how little some others care about their mothers, sisters, grandmothers, friends, aunts, girlfriends, wives... mentors- because they don't think they have anything to do with it. There are many days where it feels like my pain is my own, and no one will ever even scratch the surface- considering the little regard a majority of people have for survivors these days. In the less than 1 in 16 monsters that actually are taken to court- the trials seem more focused on humiliating and testing the survivors, rather than interrogating the filthy worthless perpetrators. Did you dress a certain way? Did you consent to sex before with this person, did you say no firmly enough? Did you tease the perpetrator or "act sexy?" Essentially, did you breathe- wake up in the morning and decide to be only the person that you are- sexy, loving, vibrant- woman or man? What is it that brings a limit to continuing, renewing horror? When will it be our turn to seek redemption for all of this pain- to actually receive the same protection under this "law" and this country that every one else does? Even if you never have the opportunity, whether you are a survivor or not- turn on the TV. Pay attention to what you see. Ask yourself the question here (as trials and stories of rape and abuse are extremely prevalent all over TV programs free ranging from ludicrous to partially accurate), which person survived through being raped, and STRIPPED of any sense of security, privacy, heart, spirit that they have? Which person is the SURVIVOR? Then ask yourself- how is this trial geared or who is it geared towards putting on trial?

Every day is a battle between dark and light. Every day I wake up, I can decide to fight, give up, or just do my best. But this pain doesn't own me anymore. I'm wiping, cleaning and disowning the filth, deceit, violence, worthlessness, disgust and heartlessness off of my body. This is not my load to bear. The person who brought me horrors that I never thought possible- this person will receive their day. I won't-- I won't be given anything, the only thing that I get is what I give myself. I won't get my day in court. I won't get my chance to be protected by the excuse for a system of justice otherwise known as law. I won't get a spot to fight back. But I have a chance to live. I have a chance to heal my wounds, I have a chance to hold on to my spirit- and refuse to be robbed of who I am- and what I need. I have a chance to reach out to other survivors who have fared far worse than I have. I have a chance to reconnect with my loved ones who have stayed firm, stood by me loyally and genuinely- regardless of how detached I became. The pain will return. My anger will still overwhelm me at times- and my fears will still follow me. But each and everyday I say goodbye to an inch more of fear. An ounce more of tension. And each day I grasp a hold on to another moment of joy, another smile with a free heart, and another way to say I love you. Another day to wake up and realize I am so, very alive, good and bad, pain and peace. Know that I will always listen and read your responses. Know that I hope to hear from any of you readers out there who have something to offer- because I will listen- and will be with you in this isolation. Survivors can survive together, and it certainly helps to know we aren't alone. Say goodbye a little more everyday to all that ails and weighs you down......