Circling

(Original July '08, revisited/revised 5/18/09)

I’m alright, I’m alright.. it only hurts when I breathe.
Home is a feeling I buried in you…
Now I dig and I crawl, scratch and I fall
just to regain my ability to be, to see, to feel.
My heart wanted me to stall, turn around and call
To return to even beats, to where I felt safe
But I left all that was familiar, when I walked away from you.

Today my chest still tightens, my mind still gets
Caught up, mixed up, confused and derailed
the times that I miss you are desperate and real.
I may have no pillow to rest my head
I have memories instead, my faith in you is dead.
I'm left with your shadows that linger in my dreams,
But I closed my book on loathing, when I walked away from you.

My home is where I make it, I've found the strength to see.
Still at times I doubt myself, but my heart is now at peace.
Although my outlook can be foggy and my energy may be coarse,
my spirit won't forsake me now, I find pure joy in living for me.
At times my scars distract me and my courage can run weak,
But I have the will to face my fears because my faith is in me.
Through the pain I found myself, when I walked away from you.

(in progress)

It's the Woman in You

that arouses me so
it's the spirit inside
that creates what I know
to be at the very center
of what is so beautiful about
the person that you are.

Although the cuts divide you
deep within your heart from
your body and mind; and
I may face these battles with
fear in my eyes, but still I remain...
there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

If that means standing aside and
letting you struggle through as you may
I will give you the freedom to fight as
you must to be able to regain
the power of an army; the strength
of the woman in you.

I promise to listen closely
to what you need and what you don't. But
each time we work through the stress
I gotta say; all I can see is the way
you handle yourself so patient and free
you stir up the carnal nature in me!

It's the virgo in my heart; I set my goals high.
I may have unrealistic expectations, but
I'd stop at nothing to give you perfection.
I'll slow down the world for you- if it
will bring you some peace, and I'll stand
in the way for you, whenever you need.

Reach In, Reach Out, Keep Talking

Hi Everyone,
I want to thank those of you who have been following this blog for the past year and encouraging this free formed expression I've been creating. It is my hope, and my intention now to turn my attention to contacting other survivors. I would love to help create a safe environment for other survivors to express themselves through art, writing, or any other medium or form that suits them. We all have so much to say, so many emotions that tend to weigh us down- and that's what I'm here for. We all as survivors know how to support each other in ways that no one else could ever do. It starts with each of us. So I hope you'll consider making a submission, and you can rest assured that it will remain anonymous unless you request to be identified. Thank you very much.

While I "have the floor" I'd also like to bring your attention to a most talented friend I made recently while speaking about my experience as a survivor. Marta Sanchez is an accomplished speaker, artist and writer and her work just completely moves me. She is so spiritually alive- so real- and her art work just gives off such a strong essense of who she is and what her experiences have been like. She's willing to share with the world and isn't afraid to dig deeper- and bring things both scary and beautiful to all of our worlds. Marta Sanchez: Artist, Survivor, Scholar, Speaker, Activist, Writer
Also as of late I created a facebook page that carries the feed of all these posts directly on Facebook so you can stay updated that way! Please see the link on the right side of the page. If you have any questions, feel free to email me with the contact info in my profile.

Be well,
Phoenix

I Want

I want a love that will last forever
I want the world that I have yet to discover
I want the joy that I've been working to find
I want to brave the oceans with my heart as my guide
I want to feel it pull me under, love, be the guidance I need.

I want your eyes to wander along the lines of my mind
I want you to know that in me you can always confide
I want my body to be the serenity that you need
I want to be the heaven that you dance with in your dreams
I want you to know...that I'm not going anywhere

I want to speak without pause, and laugh without tears
I want to think without noise, and live without fear
I want to listen without distraction, and share without a fight
I want to imagine beyond limitations, and desire without reprieve
I want to feel without caution, and need without a scene.

I want my heart to break out of it's cage
I want to feel passion, and even feel rage
I want to write my way through the blocks
I want to reach out, and find solace in the risk
I want to love who I am, and let go of the rest.

[Please excuse the state of this poem while it is in Progress/construction. Thank you for your understanding.] :)

The Light Don't Sleep

3/11/09

"We were born with our eyes wide open, so alive with wild hope. Now can you tell me why time after time they drag you down, down in the darkest deep. Fool's in their madness all around, know that the light don't sleep." -Bonnie Raitt "Silver Lining"

I feel the empty place beside me
where you used to stand
a thick fog that's following me
as I walk with my heart in my hands.

I can traverse deep into the darkest forests
and work my way through the thorned paths
never looking back or wondering where i am.
If only I could use the same fearlessness
to bring the life out of the shadows and
the sun to the darkest parts of the forest
where the calls fall on deaf ears
in a distant imagination of, a hint of a
feeling.