Free Fall

I think I'm falling

or the floor beneath me is rising

but I can't seem to stand still

and my mind is reeling

for the sake of feeling

Am I falling?

Or are we emerging?

I can't tell up from down

it feels like we're spinning around

and my pulse is multiplying

I know I'm falling

yet here you firmly stand

with a calm spirit and a flow

of energy that gives me chills

and jump starts my idle heart

For you...

my chest is a revolving door
and you just reach in and pull me out
but I'm no fish out of water in this, love
I'll hit the ground running.

Abandoning Anchor

"We could keep things just the same
leave here the way we came
with nothing to lose
but I don't want to, if you don't want to." -Sugarland

We could sit here on the shore, and
watch as the water moves without us
or walk hand in hand, and
take the boat and actually sail in it.
who cares what the weather brings
we don't need to know everything

just one thing at a time, because one of "us,"
is one more than most can say
the bond we share, and seas we'll sail
are worth more in kind, than
any value could define.

The shores have always been kind to me
soothing and calming me with her waves
protecting my spirit with a wealth
of sea breezes to refresh my tired mind, and
endless depths of strength to guide me.

Perhaps for the first time in my life, I don't
want to think, I just want to jump in.
I know there's no telling where the water will take us
but I know that we'll swim, and I've already won.

I've got a lot of failed sails, sore memories
stowed away wasted messages in bottles that beg us to
map a plan, to navigate the waters and avoid the sands
but for the first time in my life
I don't want to think, or fear
what i could be feeling in reality

Electric Veins (sister poem)

(Sometimes when I post, unfinished... "poems in flux" it is a catalyst for change. This poem has been on the tip of my tongue for a long time, and I'm not sure where to go with it so... here it is so far.)

Charged energy courses through my veins
sparking capricious frequencies in my spirit
that unscrew my consciousness, and set my mind ablaze.
Despite the status quo, my state of being or my life...
When it courses through me...all bets are off.

When the hair on the back of my neck
stands up like the arched back of a startled cat
the air feels thick and appears more sudden
more vulnerable, less connected.
I don't know whether to go to the source
or run for cover to the nearest tree.
Either way I might be stopped by lightning
seizing the wiring inside of me.

Should I be brave? Or more certain for sure...
I'm a self-made woman, fit for the fight.
But I'm tender around the edges
prone to condoning deceit.

Directions

Just to open my eyes, I find that
I must also open my heart, to know that
Everything around me is predestined, to be what
I never thought it could be, and show what
I never thought I would see.

Why didn't anyone tell me the compass is a crock?
That the only way to find direction is to stop
looking for the way the wind is blowing, instead
walking forward to, where your feet lead you.

Just to be able to find you, I had to stop seeing
the image of what I didn't have, instead
of what I wanted for myself, to let go
to be happy to be, completely and genuinely me.

To follow my intuition, fight for a cause I believe in
speaking out so others can speak from within
following my passion as it whispers to my heart
everything you need, is within your walls

The simple rediscovery, of living in all sides of me
is exactly what lead me to you, which leads me to
believe that you've really been here all along
you knew my heart before my eyes ever met you.

Layover

Where has my muse traveled to?
Perhaps it packed my motivation in a carry on
I've been driving along, ambitiously thriving
as my dreams are unfolding before me
but I can't seem to find my luggage
perhaps it landed in a unfamiliar city
and I'm just on a scavenger hunt, minus the list.

I'm on a non-stop flight, almost two years in
The horizon even blesses me, as the sunrise keeps sneaking in
why am I not on the same plane as my dreams?
Where did I go? Why am I flying, if my heart is a no-show?

(to be continued...)

On my Back

(I wrote this almost two years ago, but for some reason I never posted it. But as I am trying to find my inspiration to write again- to connect with myself emotionally in a way that will, make me feel more stable and grounded.... I figured perhaps now, in this time of exploration, is the right time to get it out there.)

How did i get here, how do you figure?
What were we flying on, what was moving us, was it love?
Then why did you shoot it down, how?
Just before i met you, you promised to sweep me off my feet;
and i laughed to myself a little.
I doubted the possibility. But you did. And now i'm on my back.

Why did you shoot it down? How did you feel?
Why did we "work so hard" if this wasn't real?
What were you committed to, if not the ideal?
You said you loved me, beyond the idea of me-
to the person I am in heart and in mind.
Well all I've got left is the ideal now
because you've sworn off loving me.
When I get up now; where do I go?
Wherever I am, you are with me now.
I fear that my love for you will suffocate me
because nobody shares it, so now I must bear it.
As an announcement of my abandonment..
Why am I always left with the scarlet letter?

Why am I always told "you can find something better?"
Why do I always hear, "I care about you, but I'm not ready."
Who's to say that I'm ready either?
What is it about me that pressures you so
when I was around you it seemed that you knew
just what you wanted and just how you felt
but now you've defied it and left me to swell.
The cavity in my chest, feels like it will burst
all while reeling I'm alone and afraid, hurting and denied
I try to stay positive, but it all has been tried.

Even the brightest sunrise

With even the clearest, strongest of my dreams...aspirations, I still struggle with doubts and fears. Lately I have been struggling with feeling inferior/undeserving of the love of my friends and family..or the depth of it. As I am devoting my life to grad school... and getting my MSW, I am dealing with a constant lack of time, energy and/or resources to devote to my connnections and relationships. I am a nurturer... and I treat my relationships no differently. But, I feel disarmed at times, even if that sounds dramatic.. I can't give of myself or be involved in others lives like I'm used to, like I want to.
   Since when did dreams become so important, though; that those I love more than LIFE ITSELF, become 2nd in line? How can I expect others to understand, without my ability to reach out as they/I am used to, that it kills me to feel as if everyones lives are moving on without me, as if I'm a distant memory for the next 2 years....as if their lives move on and happen without me for this chunk of time...like I'm on some type of sabbatical from everyone's lives...but my life isn't complete without them. Without those I love, my dreams have no meaning or value. No wealth is worth it or of any value to me if I can't share it with them. This is a battle for me, but I feel responsible to embrace it, in order to live up to my dreams and make something of myself and my life. But in a way it feels as if I am abandoning my loved ones.. even if others "don't see it that way," it feels that way and I'm struggling to deal with that.
     To be continued.....

Using the trauma, so it will Never Use Me.

I know...deep within my bones that because of my own experience with trauma and being a survivor.. I am endlessly compelled to prevent and help heal trauma in others. Nobody deserves to suffer like that, and certainly not alone. It's an urgent need in me that feels almost tangible, that I can't explain....that moves me beyond any intention that I could ever have. This need in me moves me without my having to decide to stand- it is a part of me. It has been ever since I refused to let the trauma break me, and this need is as central to who I am as the heart that beats in my chest- and the spirit that keeps me alive.

Because of this and countless other reasons; the composition of who I am has changed more in the last four years than in the rest of my years combined. Everything from the complexion of my skin, to the way I walk, the way I hold myself, the thoughts I bear, the words I share, and the decisions I make. It almost seems...unfair... to say that anything good can result from the terrible traumatic events that I experienced. However, today- on this fourth anniversary.. I want to make a promise to myself that this year will be a year I can look back on and draw from. Not because I expect or even think that this journey is over for me, because it definitely is not. I know there are difficult days ahead that I can't predict or even understand right now. But I do want this year to be different; and I want it to be different in the way I work to heal myself, and believe in myself.

Sometimes it is difficult to believe that I have the knowledge and ability to defeat anxiety and other symptoms of PTSD. I feel disconnected, and fragmented today in ways that feel new to me. Each time I find myself on August 25th, it's like the first time I've ever been there. The symptoms aren't the same, and they aren't quite as severe or scarring as they used to be. However, I never can prepare myself for exactly how I'll feel. I can't even guarantee to myself that I'll understand why I'm feeling some of the things that I do, some of the things that I am right now. But if nothing else, I want to love myself a little more this year. I want to love myself in the way that I need to, to get through this day and all of the ones ahead. I want to know that next year, when I feel lost- I can think about today and realize- I'm okay. I'm okay... I'm okay. I'm doing this, and no matter how frightening this may feel. No matter how disturbing it is to know that some of the scars are still inside of me, even after all these years. I've been told.. "I bet you wish you could kill him" and "Don't you want to just cut him (the memories) free?" But this isn't about him anymore. It hasn't been for a very long time.

The emotional aftermath from what happened four years ago from today, was far more harmful and life changing than the actual event itself. I harmed myself in ways that I could not control, and emotionally it felt as if I was literally tearing apart, breaking into pieces. I couldn't rectify the broken parts inside of me, and I couldn't fathom living with the kind of pain that resulted from being violated, and shamed. I couldn't bear the state I lived in, I couldn't bear the feelings I had, and I couldn't cope with the memories without pictures, the sensations in my body that couldn't be explained with images or words. It tore me apart. And when I started to stand up again, started to brush myself off, I was so, very lost. I didn't know myself anymore; I felt like the person I was before, was gone. It was as if I had to learn to walk all over again, learn to relate to others, learn to share myself, and learn to let other people in. It was a painstaking process that took a good portion of the last four years. I still struggle to let people in at times. Eventually I figured out that my spirit was there all along, and if it wasn't, I sure as hell wouldn't have survived. But I did.

Today I want to say, I am still here. I am still in love with life, and I always will be. I still hurt at times, I still have fear at times, and I still am shaken at times. But each time I fall, I get right back up again and I want to use my ability to be strong- to lead me throughout my life. But even beyond that, I want the strength that I've also received from the love others have offered me, the support and the kindness- to bolster that need in me to give to others. There are so many other survivors out there and I feel as if you are a part of me, and I am a part of you. We're in this together- and let us share the light in ourselves that WILL NEVER GO OUT.

With love, tenderness and faith in the collective power of survivors--- be well.
-Phoenix

Electric Veins

So much energy courses through my veins around this time of year; that it causes almost completely unpredictable waves in my spirit that unscrew my consciousness, and set my mind ablaze. Regardless of the status quo, my state of being up until August, or the state of my life in general. When this time comes around...all bets are off.

So I'm checking in. Four years later. Today hasn't even arrived in the queue of twilights surrounding the anniversary. It's not for another 17 days. But the changes have already started. As I sit here with my hands shaking after a sleepless night with unbidden memories and a day on the verge of tears. As I find myself taking stock of where I've been, I realize that this is pretty typical for me to do, while writing entries in here. Be it an appraisal of the events in my life or my own assessment of my efforts to create a life for myself that remains in growth from the point of attention. Today, I don't know where to start. In some ways I have truly arrived in the pinnacle, and in others I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps. I've arrived in the pinnacle of my life in that I am working on my masters degree that will allow me to practice my true life's work. I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps in terms of my drive to cling to routine, my on-again-off-again relationship with my ability to relax, my anxious tendency to harbor my own emotions within the walls of my body....the last of which I can't do right now. The last of which is affecting my relationships and that is when it really starts to wreak havoc within my conscience. Just like it is right now.

Is this what each year will be like, come August? Will I feel stronger each year; will I feel disappointed each year? Each of the last four years has been a battle within myself. A battle between the peaceful, accepting side of myself and the driven, stubborn and even a little prideful side of myself. I've come a long way and worked harder than I ever thought I could, to make it to this day. I struggle to forgive such lengthy hiccups. I struggle to withhold judgment for myself. Even this meditation only scrapes at the surface, as I fear some of my bravery might have escaped me since 2008, when I found it in myself to create this website to release all that was hell-bent on defeating me; if I had let it. Perhaps the fourth anniversary comes with a challenge for me to reclaim my own courage and release the demons that are deep within my consciousness, and admit even to myself once again, that I am not alone.

A few words in this quiet night
Aint it funny.. how there is so much to say
When nobody’s listening
So much to feel, when no one’s around.
If only an ounce of the wisdom that arises
In the quiet, lonesome evenings
Could be wakeful for the clarity of a sunrise
Or a midday tea, or an afternoon snack.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World...

Somewhere swept under the rug
just before a cloud of smoke
right after the ball of dust
whatever I do... I am under the influence
of you...

But I can't seem to find where I left me.
Sometimes it seems as the years pass,
it feels as if I'm dealing with all of the same things
just in different phases of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever really dealing, coping and moving through some of the struggles I've had in my life. For years, after coping with trauma myself- (almost four years ago now) I felt like it owned me. Like a metastasizing cancer... no matter how hard I fought to keep my head above water, it felt like I could sink and perish at any moment under the weight of myself. That's literally what it felt like on many days, feeling so heavy.. it was almost as if I was waterlogged..and no matter what I did, I could never get dry. But I got up every day and I did it anyway, walked around the best I could... sometimes just to keep myself relevant, to stay alive--- you do what you have to do.

I did a lot of soul searching after those days. I went through years of therapy...spent a lot of time hiding from my dreams- healing wounds, taking stock of what I was made of- and wondering what the hell to do with myself. Did a lot of writing.. which was and is wonderful- I love being able to reflect on my ability to create something beautiful, out of something so painful. And even if I wasn't writing something that was aesthetically beautiful.. it always felt beautiful to me ... because I wasn't succumbing, I was creating..which, in essence is my way of saying- I'm not dead yet- keep it coming Life!!! I'm a stubborn-as-all-hell woman, and I take pride in that aspect of myself, because I survive- through everything. Let's just say I had an amazing role model or two growing up who taught me well. ;)

But what happens, now? I recently experienced a stage in my life where a monumental amount of change happened in a relatively short span of time. Recovering in the aftermath of a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship and the end of several substantial friendships in my life in the course of that transition...then a year later, falling in love and getting my heart shattered...then putting back the pieces through the means of physical exertion, exercise and body image revitalization.... Finally getting the courage up to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a therapist, finding a school, teaching myself how to navigate securing loans and applying to a competitive program- and getting accepted to my "reach," and the only school I applied to. A dream come true, is in no way an overestimation of the magnitude of how much this means to me. Finding a new place to live, and leaving my comfort zone of the suburbs surrounding where I grew up (where I retreated for a couple years in what I'll call my "recovery" phase) back into the "hustle bustle" of the city.... back into living with roommates (at almost 29 I had to swallow a large portion of my pride in order to do this) after two years of living on my own.. teaching myself to save- adjusting to working full time and going to school part time... most days it feels like I have two full time jobs. I thought I had arrived... I really did, like my life was finally beginning. And in most respects- I still feel that way- because I'm now preparing myself to do what I'm most passionate about- and what I want to devote the rest of my professional life fulfilling.

BUT...what am I missing here? I still fall back into the same routines of self medicating, doubtful/deprecating thoughts when overwhelmed and stressed. I still struggle with issues surrounding food and forcing myself to exercise, which I know brings so much positive energy into my life that it's almost as if I'm truly cutting myself down by NOT doing it. I still catch myself wanting to shut down from those around me out of fear of loss, pain or fear of feeling exploited. I still find myself struggling with the simplest forms of trust, and realizing that I still experience tension in areas of my body that I know is the result of trauma I experienced years ago. Small little reminders...that this fight isn't over... or should I be taking this .. stage of feeling lost... as a wakeup call that I'm slipping? Backtracking? Have I fallen already?

Perhaps this is my version of that crisis that us late 20-somethings experience when we realize we're on the brink of "the rest of our lives." Where we're done "growing up" and now we're just getting older. Where the sheen has left the process of -learning, and now it just feels more like a way of the world than an adventure. I'm still passionate about life, I'm still passionate about helping/giving/empowering others, I'm still vibrant, energetic, and colorful.. but I guess I'm wondering when I'll wake up from this fog... or perhaps I've only remained "in it" because of my fear of where I'm going to end up when I shake free of it.

Existential crisis, anyone?

Wanderlust

(11/18/10)

I could say, just walk away.
I could say, just say the word, and I'll leave you be.

But, I won't.

Tell me you don't miss me,
and I'll tell you, you're a liar.
Sitting in your safety seat
with a hard hat on and a glass of wine.

You don't go, from seeing a future
to crying wolf, and calling it "fundamentals"
when it's your own shadow
that you're hiding behind.

I could say, I'm not angry..
because I don't want to be that
bitter lesbian, jaded and gun-shy
hopeful yet dreary, livid yet laughing

But I won't.

It's not every day that I open the door
certainly not to a wanderlust like you.
they say "not all who wander are lost"
but somehow, you missed the boat
and your lust is your lost cause.

New-- Reader's Submission

I woke up this morning,
feeling like a dirty-dishrag.
Like my body had been used to wipe up someone else's mistakes.
Like I had frayed ends on display.
Like I had,
Holes.
And whereas these did not inhibit me
From rising and greeting that familiar window-sill sun,
They certainly contributed to
Some stiffness-
Some creases-
A damp chill.
You asked me, "How do you feel?"
This is how I feel.
As for,
The clean laminate conscience you carry so well-
The spilled milk you never cried over-
The egg-batter disease which never beat your brow,
never
rendered your body,
fragile and fever-pitch-
No, you'll never see my part in that.
I suppose that's just as well.
I suppose that's not something I shouldn't want anyway.
For what are dishrags?
But harbors-
Pungent after-thoughts.
No.
I say this to you silent as bleach in a bucket;
No.
We are thread.

-Anonymous

(Note to Readers: If you enjoy any submission as much as I enjoy them, and would like to comment, please feel free to send them to the email listed in my profile. I would be happy to pass them along to the author.)

***Keep the wonderful submissions coming!! :) -Phoenix***

Well of a World

finally letting this one go...
(6/1, 6/18)
It must be nice, to be able to get up and walk away...
to turn your back, avert your eyes, move your feet
and leave me behind.

It must be nice to have some peace,
to close your eyes, enjoy your dreams, grasp your freedom
and leave me behind.

It must be nice to be able to take a break...
to avoid conversation, retreat from your feelings, disconnect
and leave me behind.

It must be nice to breathe freely...
to reject the ache, move on with your life, cut all ties
and leave me behind.

When you look away, I still see your face.
I'm moving on, yet you still keep your place.
I try to believe, that time will heal all pain
but as you are carefree, my heart's still in chains.

You took our love for granted, you said you need to be free.
Now you have your freedom, but my heart won't grant my release.

Time hasn't treated me fairly, it hasn't sealed my cracks.
Distance hasn't made my heart grow fonder, just a little older.

Look at you babe, you make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme.
What happened to us, I won't ever understand.
But I'm taking back my heart because I deserve a chance.

A chance to learn, to open up....
and let someone love me... dare I let someone love me
as much as I loved you. I deserve a love that flows freely
a love that holds me, elates me and moves me.

I deserve a love that stays, a love that's firm,
a love that's tough yet a love that will soothe me.
I deserve a love that looks out for me.
A heart, that will open wide into a well of a world
only meant for me.

That was never in you.

Rumination

It's been such a long time since I've written in here... I've been a bit swept up by life as of late... between grad school, searching for a new home... new job... all of which I've found now thankfully. I am packing up my life currently for the move this coming Sunday... simplifying my life is more like it... 6 trash bags worth of trash thrown away, 3 bags of clothes donated, pieces of furniture tossed.. sports equipment... it's very much like I'm picking up my life, shaking all the waste and residue off, and putting it back down again in a better place. I'll be sad to leave this place, where I've called home for the last two years. But I couldn't be more ready for this new chapter in my life. I feel like I've arrived... and that good things are coming.... :)

In the spirit of this life change... while cleaning I found some writing from when I was in college (undergrad) and producing work everyday... this was from one of my poetry workshops. Hope you enjoy! Be well....<3 5/2004 Rumination

I remember when you said,
"love is more than bugs flying around in a jar."
You said that I'd never find my reflection
staring into a carnival mirror on the wall.

But, all I can think about is the butterfly,
that can never be caught, but lands gracefully
on your finger jutting out in the air.
Pretending it's the wind that you're baiting,
without a purpose the butterfly is there.

And then I remember what you said about the mirror:
I could spend hours scouring
and still see nothing at all,
but the illusion of someone...
just a stranger in a bathroom stall.
A shifty, altered replica of a rigid character
trapped in a dream.

You say that love is more than good intentions,
and that our brave retentions need to be released.
If I open my jar and dreams of tarantulas crawl onto the floor,
I pray you'll recognize the person looking back at you.
You'll say it's all about our love.

I notice, in reflection,
that you are always there.
But with these infestations,
is it a promise, or a dare?
I would jump if I knew you would catch me,
but as I'm staring over the edge;
I can't tell if you'll be here for me.

When my jar has broken open,
the carnival mirror's picture cut and dry,
when the lively insects are all dead,
when the dreams have all bled,
will you say it's all about love?

Fifth Insight

7/10,8/2-5

"If you call me up late at night, and you have found that I am still awake...
don't be surprised if I am calling out your name... because I want you here to stay, I want you here with me. I want you here with me, because there is something I want you to see." D. Roberts

There are days when I don't know who
is walking in my shoes
talking in my voice
and messing with my head.

Familiar is the lesson in patience
I've walked a thousand miles for loyalty
I've stepped in a thousand traps and mines
life is never easy but love is twice as hard

I've walked a thousand paces further now
through fits of betrayal, heartbreak and loss
I've stepped through fire and hoops again
only to find myself completely changed.

Each and every day I awoke, and every night I
lost sleep, tossed by the bitter storms of rage
in my dreams and still resisting the cover of
defeat by the screams in the darkness of endless nights.

But yet I exhale once more, just a little
opening my arms into the breeze
just to see how it would feel to
breathe some new life in.

Something happened in that moment
a new verve arrived, in ways I didn't know it could
and as I'm looking around, I realize that life has changed
just as I hoped it would.

Yet I could never hope or guess, or even try
to predict just how the pieces will fall
when the universe places them they always
seem to end up just where they should.

Thanks to you; my universe, and to
your creation of love and its gift of faith.
Today you've blessed me in the face of others
who reflect the love that I deserve, in me.

For Ophelia

6/8&16, 7/16, 8/3

A world in your heart, and spirit in your hands.
Beauty at your fingertips, a beacon to transcend.
The beams from your heart, send warmth down all paths.
Let the love on this earth, deliver you strength to mend.

A fever in your world, a joy ripped from your arms.
A gift opened your eyes, pain sears your resolve.
I will hold you close in this morning, awake with love.
I will carry you when you are heavy, as you rise above.

Shine as only you can, even with a broken heart
Desperation has no chance, when your spirit takes a stand.

Upside Down

Someday, someone's going to walk in your life...
...and turn it upside down.
You always told me that I oughta think twice,
before letting anyone in to my world.

Sometimes I sit inside of myself, during dry times of writing. A professor I had in college for a poetry workshop always told me you have to be able to "kill your babies" in order to write anything worthwhile when it comes to Poetry. The same goes for all mediums of art, in my eyes. Yes, this is a very disturbing saying.. personifying the artistic process of letting go. But sometimes the truth is harsh, and so is letting go- most times. I've got a few pieces in the works, that I've been working on since the beginning of June. Countless times I've gone back, sometimes adding a word here or there, sometimes a line. But sometimes I've left it for weeks realizing that I'm just not ready to finish it yet. I'm just not at the point in my journey where I have the words to finish it. Sometimes down the road I realize it was finished all along, and it just needs to be sharpened. Othertimes, it takes on all new life- and blossoms into something entirely different than what I originally intended.
It's just really difficult during these blank times- to be patient for the inspiration, and the words to start flowing again. At times I hit blank/writer's block times when I'm going through something particularly difficult. Other times, when I feel uninvolved and or depressed with the way my life is going. Right now, I certainly have plenty that is stressing me out, both of a positive nature- and a more concerning or confusing nature. This normally would be a fruitful, and bountiful time for my writing-- being that I have so much to draw from. But lately it's just not happening for me. What is it that YOU do, to get your writing rolling again? Freewrites? Dabble in other mediums? I'd love to hear from you.

New-- Reader's Submission

Under The Rock by rgv '07
Forever yours
I write this letter to you
With the knowledge I have learned in the desert sands
We have but one chance to relive this history
Forgotten memories of love and miseries

So just follow me
So just follow me through the empty breeze

The world then was
Swept away with tears
Throughout the years
And blood stood tall
Only to fall
Into the hollow
And forsaken
Blinded by the road
The brightest ever taken

So just follow me
Yeah just follow me
Follow me through the empty breeze

Comparing the sun to moon
Finding life in the brightest
Of all darkest rooms
Visions of despair
Sitting in the liars chair
Oh I will still be waiting right here

So just follow me
Yeah just follow me
Through the empty breeze
Straight between the trees
To the necromancer's cave
By the stone pillar through the lion's mane
Where the wizard stands
And the old man plans
To take a leap of faith
Into the great wide unknown
The old man stands tall
Only to fall
Into the hollow and forsaken
The brightest road ever taken

So just follow
Yeah just follow me
Follow the brightest path
To nothingness
That only the gods could ever witness

New-- Reader's Submission

Game Over

Lets play a game daddy…
      just you and me…
Let’s see who can carry this basket of our secrets longer
I dare you to beat me…Beat my record of 28yrs
Can you tell it’s been that long?
                  Look at me…
I am falling sideways,
          slouching from years of silence,
torn by tolerance…
blood
dripping
        from my swollen tongue -
            this tongue…
              my tongue has been bitten
so often…
      too deeply.
Look at me… I am tired.
Inflated eyes
Strain
        to
          look for
              reasons to love you…
While truth clouds my focus
and all I see
are reasons not to.
I am that little girl you neglected.
That little girl
molested
in your home… while you were
in
      the
          shower
            And you knew…
but
never
said
a
word.
And I…
never
said
a
word…
instead
I swallowed that blood between my teeth
and wiped the residue between my legs.
Can you carry this basket?
I will no longer cry
for that little girl that
                  used to be me…
I’ll cry now for the world that
knows
      men
           like
                you.
Silent men.
Weak men…
who say…
        nothing,
who do
        nothing.
When something needs to be done.
I need to be done.
        I will unravel the web of excuses I’ve made for you
            I will tell the truth at my engagement dinner
I will say that you couldn’t come because your wife
               Comes first
                    and I don’t
                        come at all.
You have made that clear
I have been struggling for far too long… fighting the truth that I don’t matter.
And I am done
Know this daddy,
that I am the only one who will
          ever call you by that name.
Know that you have proven to me now, like you did then,
                              that you are still in the shower.
And
I will never be a part of who you are
I am done fighting against you.
I am done trying to be loved by you.
And I am done carrying this basket of our secrets…

Written by Ninive Hernandez