Layover

Where has my muse traveled to?
Perhaps it packed my motivation in a carry on
I've been driving along, ambitiously thriving
as my dreams are unfolding before me
but I can't seem to find my luggage
perhaps it landed in a unfamiliar city
and I'm just on a scavenger hunt, minus the list.

I'm on a non-stop flight, almost two years in
The horizon even blesses me, as the sunrise keeps sneaking in
why am I not on the same plane as my dreams?
Where did I go? Why am I flying, if my heart is a no-show?

(to be continued...)

On my Back

(I wrote this almost two years ago, but for some reason I never posted it. But as I am trying to find my inspiration to write again- to connect with myself emotionally in a way that will, make me feel more stable and grounded.... I figured perhaps now, in this time of exploration, is the right time to get it out there.)

How did i get here, how do you figure?
What were we flying on, what was moving us, was it love?
Then why did you shoot it down, how?
Just before i met you, you promised to sweep me off my feet;
and i laughed to myself a little.
I doubted the possibility. But you did. And now i'm on my back.

Why did you shoot it down? How did you feel?
Why did we "work so hard" if this wasn't real?
What were you committed to, if not the ideal?
You said you loved me, beyond the idea of me-
to the person I am in heart and in mind.
Well all I've got left is the ideal now
because you've sworn off loving me.
When I get up now; where do I go?
Wherever I am, you are with me now.
I fear that my love for you will suffocate me
because nobody shares it, so now I must bear it.
As an announcement of my abandonment..
Why am I always left with the scarlet letter?

Why am I always told "you can find something better?"
Why do I always hear, "I care about you, but I'm not ready."
Who's to say that I'm ready either?
What is it about me that pressures you so
when I was around you it seemed that you knew
just what you wanted and just how you felt
but now you've defied it and left me to swell.
The cavity in my chest, feels like it will burst
all while reeling I'm alone and afraid, hurting and denied
I try to stay positive, but it all has been tried.

Even the brightest sunrise

With even the clearest, strongest of my dreams...aspirations, I still struggle with doubts and fears. Lately I have been struggling with feeling inferior/undeserving of the love of my friends and family..or the depth of it. As I am devoting my life to grad school... and getting my MSW, I am dealing with a constant lack of time, energy and/or resources to devote to my connnections and relationships. I am a nurturer... and I treat my relationships no differently. But, I feel disarmed at times, even if that sounds dramatic.. I can't give of myself or be involved in others lives like I'm used to, like I want to.
   Since when did dreams become so important, though; that those I love more than LIFE ITSELF, become 2nd in line? How can I expect others to understand, without my ability to reach out as they/I am used to, that it kills me to feel as if everyones lives are moving on without me, as if I'm a distant memory for the next 2 years....as if their lives move on and happen without me for this chunk of time...like I'm on some type of sabbatical from everyone's lives...but my life isn't complete without them. Without those I love, my dreams have no meaning or value. No wealth is worth it or of any value to me if I can't share it with them. This is a battle for me, but I feel responsible to embrace it, in order to live up to my dreams and make something of myself and my life. But in a way it feels as if I am abandoning my loved ones.. even if others "don't see it that way," it feels that way and I'm struggling to deal with that.
     To be continued.....

Using the trauma, so it will Never Use Me.

I know...deep within my bones that because of my own experience with trauma and being a survivor.. I am endlessly compelled to prevent and help heal trauma in others. Nobody deserves to suffer like that, and certainly not alone. It's an urgent need in me that feels almost tangible, that I can't explain....that moves me beyond any intention that I could ever have. This need in me moves me without my having to decide to stand- it is a part of me. It has been ever since I refused to let the trauma break me, and this need is as central to who I am as the heart that beats in my chest- and the spirit that keeps me alive.

Because of this and countless other reasons; the composition of who I am has changed more in the last four years than in the rest of my years combined. Everything from the complexion of my skin, to the way I walk, the way I hold myself, the thoughts I bear, the words I share, and the decisions I make. It almost seems...unfair... to say that anything good can result from the terrible traumatic events that I experienced. However, today- on this fourth anniversary.. I want to make a promise to myself that this year will be a year I can look back on and draw from. Not because I expect or even think that this journey is over for me, because it definitely is not. I know there are difficult days ahead that I can't predict or even understand right now. But I do want this year to be different; and I want it to be different in the way I work to heal myself, and believe in myself.

Sometimes it is difficult to believe that I have the knowledge and ability to defeat anxiety and other symptoms of PTSD. I feel disconnected, and fragmented today in ways that feel new to me. Each time I find myself on August 25th, it's like the first time I've ever been there. The symptoms aren't the same, and they aren't quite as severe or scarring as they used to be. However, I never can prepare myself for exactly how I'll feel. I can't even guarantee to myself that I'll understand why I'm feeling some of the things that I do, some of the things that I am right now. But if nothing else, I want to love myself a little more this year. I want to love myself in the way that I need to, to get through this day and all of the ones ahead. I want to know that next year, when I feel lost- I can think about today and realize- I'm okay. I'm okay... I'm okay. I'm doing this, and no matter how frightening this may feel. No matter how disturbing it is to know that some of the scars are still inside of me, even after all these years. I've been told.. "I bet you wish you could kill him" and "Don't you want to just cut him (the memories) free?" But this isn't about him anymore. It hasn't been for a very long time.

The emotional aftermath from what happened four years ago from today, was far more harmful and life changing than the actual event itself. I harmed myself in ways that I could not control, and emotionally it felt as if I was literally tearing apart, breaking into pieces. I couldn't rectify the broken parts inside of me, and I couldn't fathom living with the kind of pain that resulted from being violated, and shamed. I couldn't bear the state I lived in, I couldn't bear the feelings I had, and I couldn't cope with the memories without pictures, the sensations in my body that couldn't be explained with images or words. It tore me apart. And when I started to stand up again, started to brush myself off, I was so, very lost. I didn't know myself anymore; I felt like the person I was before, was gone. It was as if I had to learn to walk all over again, learn to relate to others, learn to share myself, and learn to let other people in. It was a painstaking process that took a good portion of the last four years. I still struggle to let people in at times. Eventually I figured out that my spirit was there all along, and if it wasn't, I sure as hell wouldn't have survived. But I did.

Today I want to say, I am still here. I am still in love with life, and I always will be. I still hurt at times, I still have fear at times, and I still am shaken at times. But each time I fall, I get right back up again and I want to use my ability to be strong- to lead me throughout my life. But even beyond that, I want the strength that I've also received from the love others have offered me, the support and the kindness- to bolster that need in me to give to others. There are so many other survivors out there and I feel as if you are a part of me, and I am a part of you. We're in this together- and let us share the light in ourselves that WILL NEVER GO OUT.

With love, tenderness and faith in the collective power of survivors--- be well.
-Phoenix

Electric Veins

So much energy courses through my veins around this time of year; that it causes almost completely unpredictable waves in my spirit that unscrew my consciousness, and set my mind ablaze. Regardless of the status quo, my state of being up until August, or the state of my life in general. When this time comes around...all bets are off.

So I'm checking in. Four years later. Today hasn't even arrived in the queue of twilights surrounding the anniversary. It's not for another 17 days. But the changes have already started. As I sit here with my hands shaking after a sleepless night with unbidden memories and a day on the verge of tears. As I find myself taking stock of where I've been, I realize that this is pretty typical for me to do, while writing entries in here. Be it an appraisal of the events in my life or my own assessment of my efforts to create a life for myself that remains in growth from the point of attention. Today, I don't know where to start. In some ways I have truly arrived in the pinnacle, and in others I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps. I've arrived in the pinnacle of my life in that I am working on my masters degree that will allow me to practice my true life's work. I'm still tripping over the same speed bumps in terms of my drive to cling to routine, my on-again-off-again relationship with my ability to relax, my anxious tendency to harbor my own emotions within the walls of my body....the last of which I can't do right now. The last of which is affecting my relationships and that is when it really starts to wreak havoc within my conscience. Just like it is right now.

Is this what each year will be like, come August? Will I feel stronger each year; will I feel disappointed each year? Each of the last four years has been a battle within myself. A battle between the peaceful, accepting side of myself and the driven, stubborn and even a little prideful side of myself. I've come a long way and worked harder than I ever thought I could, to make it to this day. I struggle to forgive such lengthy hiccups. I struggle to withhold judgment for myself. Even this meditation only scrapes at the surface, as I fear some of my bravery might have escaped me since 2008, when I found it in myself to create this website to release all that was hell-bent on defeating me; if I had let it. Perhaps the fourth anniversary comes with a challenge for me to reclaim my own courage and release the demons that are deep within my consciousness, and admit even to myself once again, that I am not alone.

A few words in this quiet night
Aint it funny.. how there is so much to say
When nobody’s listening
So much to feel, when no one’s around.
If only an ounce of the wisdom that arises
In the quiet, lonesome evenings
Could be wakeful for the clarity of a sunrise
Or a midday tea, or an afternoon snack.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World...

Somewhere swept under the rug
just before a cloud of smoke
right after the ball of dust
whatever I do... I am under the influence
of you...

But I can't seem to find where I left me.
Sometimes it seems as the years pass,
it feels as if I'm dealing with all of the same things
just in different phases of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever really dealing, coping and moving through some of the struggles I've had in my life. For years, after coping with trauma myself- (almost four years ago now) I felt like it owned me. Like a metastasizing cancer... no matter how hard I fought to keep my head above water, it felt like I could sink and perish at any moment under the weight of myself. That's literally what it felt like on many days, feeling so heavy.. it was almost as if I was waterlogged..and no matter what I did, I could never get dry. But I got up every day and I did it anyway, walked around the best I could... sometimes just to keep myself relevant, to stay alive--- you do what you have to do.

I did a lot of soul searching after those days. I went through years of therapy...spent a lot of time hiding from my dreams- healing wounds, taking stock of what I was made of- and wondering what the hell to do with myself. Did a lot of writing.. which was and is wonderful- I love being able to reflect on my ability to create something beautiful, out of something so painful. And even if I wasn't writing something that was aesthetically beautiful.. it always felt beautiful to me ... because I wasn't succumbing, I was creating..which, in essence is my way of saying- I'm not dead yet- keep it coming Life!!! I'm a stubborn-as-all-hell woman, and I take pride in that aspect of myself, because I survive- through everything. Let's just say I had an amazing role model or two growing up who taught me well. ;)

But what happens, now? I recently experienced a stage in my life where a monumental amount of change happened in a relatively short span of time. Recovering in the aftermath of a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship and the end of several substantial friendships in my life in the course of that transition...then a year later, falling in love and getting my heart shattered...then putting back the pieces through the means of physical exertion, exercise and body image revitalization.... Finally getting the courage up to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a therapist, finding a school, teaching myself how to navigate securing loans and applying to a competitive program- and getting accepted to my "reach," and the only school I applied to. A dream come true, is in no way an overestimation of the magnitude of how much this means to me. Finding a new place to live, and leaving my comfort zone of the suburbs surrounding where I grew up (where I retreated for a couple years in what I'll call my "recovery" phase) back into the "hustle bustle" of the city.... back into living with roommates (at almost 29 I had to swallow a large portion of my pride in order to do this) after two years of living on my own.. teaching myself to save- adjusting to working full time and going to school part time... most days it feels like I have two full time jobs. I thought I had arrived... I really did, like my life was finally beginning. And in most respects- I still feel that way- because I'm now preparing myself to do what I'm most passionate about- and what I want to devote the rest of my professional life fulfilling.

BUT...what am I missing here? I still fall back into the same routines of self medicating, doubtful/deprecating thoughts when overwhelmed and stressed. I still struggle with issues surrounding food and forcing myself to exercise, which I know brings so much positive energy into my life that it's almost as if I'm truly cutting myself down by NOT doing it. I still catch myself wanting to shut down from those around me out of fear of loss, pain or fear of feeling exploited. I still find myself struggling with the simplest forms of trust, and realizing that I still experience tension in areas of my body that I know is the result of trauma I experienced years ago. Small little reminders...that this fight isn't over... or should I be taking this .. stage of feeling lost... as a wakeup call that I'm slipping? Backtracking? Have I fallen already?

Perhaps this is my version of that crisis that us late 20-somethings experience when we realize we're on the brink of "the rest of our lives." Where we're done "growing up" and now we're just getting older. Where the sheen has left the process of -learning, and now it just feels more like a way of the world than an adventure. I'm still passionate about life, I'm still passionate about helping/giving/empowering others, I'm still vibrant, energetic, and colorful.. but I guess I'm wondering when I'll wake up from this fog... or perhaps I've only remained "in it" because of my fear of where I'm going to end up when I shake free of it.

Existential crisis, anyone?

Wanderlust

(11/18/10)

I could say, just walk away.
I could say, just say the word, and I'll leave you be.

But, I won't.

Tell me you don't miss me,
and I'll tell you, you're a liar.
Sitting in your safety seat
with a hard hat on and a glass of wine.

You don't go, from seeing a future
to crying wolf, and calling it "fundamentals"
when it's your own shadow
that you're hiding behind.

I could say, I'm not angry..
because I don't want to be that
bitter lesbian, jaded and gun-shy
hopeful yet dreary, livid yet laughing

But I won't.

It's not every day that I open the door
certainly not to a wanderlust like you.
they say "not all who wander are lost"
but somehow, you missed the boat
and your lust is your lost cause.

New-- Reader's Submission

I woke up this morning,
feeling like a dirty-dishrag.
Like my body had been used to wipe up someone else's mistakes.
Like I had frayed ends on display.
Like I had,
Holes.
And whereas these did not inhibit me
From rising and greeting that familiar window-sill sun,
They certainly contributed to
Some stiffness-
Some creases-
A damp chill.
You asked me, "How do you feel?"
This is how I feel.
As for,
The clean laminate conscience you carry so well-
The spilled milk you never cried over-
The egg-batter disease which never beat your brow,
never
rendered your body,
fragile and fever-pitch-
No, you'll never see my part in that.
I suppose that's just as well.
I suppose that's not something I shouldn't want anyway.
For what are dishrags?
But harbors-
Pungent after-thoughts.
No.
I say this to you silent as bleach in a bucket;
No.
We are thread.

-Anonymous

(Note to Readers: If you enjoy any submission as much as I enjoy them, and would like to comment, please feel free to send them to the email listed in my profile. I would be happy to pass them along to the author.)

***Keep the wonderful submissions coming!! :) -Phoenix***

Well of a World

finally letting this one go...
(6/1, 6/18)
It must be nice, to be able to get up and walk away...
to turn your back, avert your eyes, move your feet
and leave me behind.

It must be nice to have some peace,
to close your eyes, enjoy your dreams, grasp your freedom
and leave me behind.

It must be nice to be able to take a break...
to avoid conversation, retreat from your feelings, disconnect
and leave me behind.

It must be nice to breathe freely...
to reject the ache, move on with your life, cut all ties
and leave me behind.

When you look away, I still see your face.
I'm moving on, yet you still keep your place.
I try to believe, that time will heal all pain
but as you are carefree, my heart's still in chains.

You took our love for granted, you said you need to be free.
Now you have your freedom, but my heart won't grant my release.

Time hasn't treated me fairly, it hasn't sealed my cracks.
Distance hasn't made my heart grow fonder, just a little older.

Look at you babe, you make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme.
What happened to us, I won't ever understand.
But I'm taking back my heart because I deserve a chance.

A chance to learn, to open up....
and let someone love me... dare I let someone love me
as much as I loved you. I deserve a love that flows freely
a love that holds me, elates me and moves me.

I deserve a love that stays, a love that's firm,
a love that's tough yet a love that will soothe me.
I deserve a love that looks out for me.
A heart, that will open wide into a well of a world
only meant for me.

That was never in you.

Rumination

It's been such a long time since I've written in here... I've been a bit swept up by life as of late... between grad school, searching for a new home... new job... all of which I've found now thankfully. I am packing up my life currently for the move this coming Sunday... simplifying my life is more like it... 6 trash bags worth of trash thrown away, 3 bags of clothes donated, pieces of furniture tossed.. sports equipment... it's very much like I'm picking up my life, shaking all the waste and residue off, and putting it back down again in a better place. I'll be sad to leave this place, where I've called home for the last two years. But I couldn't be more ready for this new chapter in my life. I feel like I've arrived... and that good things are coming.... :)

In the spirit of this life change... while cleaning I found some writing from when I was in college (undergrad) and producing work everyday... this was from one of my poetry workshops. Hope you enjoy! Be well....<3 5/2004 Rumination

I remember when you said,
"love is more than bugs flying around in a jar."
You said that I'd never find my reflection
staring into a carnival mirror on the wall.

But, all I can think about is the butterfly,
that can never be caught, but lands gracefully
on your finger jutting out in the air.
Pretending it's the wind that you're baiting,
without a purpose the butterfly is there.

And then I remember what you said about the mirror:
I could spend hours scouring
and still see nothing at all,
but the illusion of someone...
just a stranger in a bathroom stall.
A shifty, altered replica of a rigid character
trapped in a dream.

You say that love is more than good intentions,
and that our brave retentions need to be released.
If I open my jar and dreams of tarantulas crawl onto the floor,
I pray you'll recognize the person looking back at you.
You'll say it's all about our love.

I notice, in reflection,
that you are always there.
But with these infestations,
is it a promise, or a dare?
I would jump if I knew you would catch me,
but as I'm staring over the edge;
I can't tell if you'll be here for me.

When my jar has broken open,
the carnival mirror's picture cut and dry,
when the lively insects are all dead,
when the dreams have all bled,
will you say it's all about love?

Fifth Insight

7/10,8/2-5

"If you call me up late at night, and you have found that I am still awake...
don't be surprised if I am calling out your name... because I want you here to stay, I want you here with me. I want you here with me, because there is something I want you to see." D. Roberts

There are days when I don't know who
is walking in my shoes
talking in my voice
and messing with my head.

Familiar is the lesson in patience
I've walked a thousand miles for loyalty
I've stepped in a thousand traps and mines
life is never easy but love is twice as hard

I've walked a thousand paces further now
through fits of betrayal, heartbreak and loss
I've stepped through fire and hoops again
only to find myself completely changed.

Each and every day I awoke, and every night I
lost sleep, tossed by the bitter storms of rage
in my dreams and still resisting the cover of
defeat by the screams in the darkness of endless nights.

But yet I exhale once more, just a little
opening my arms into the breeze
just to see how it would feel to
breathe some new life in.

Something happened in that moment
a new verve arrived, in ways I didn't know it could
and as I'm looking around, I realize that life has changed
just as I hoped it would.

Yet I could never hope or guess, or even try
to predict just how the pieces will fall
when the universe places them they always
seem to end up just where they should.

Thanks to you; my universe, and to
your creation of love and its gift of faith.
Today you've blessed me in the face of others
who reflect the love that I deserve, in me.

For Ophelia

6/8&16, 7/16, 8/3

A world in your heart, and spirit in your hands.
Beauty at your fingertips, a beacon to transcend.
The beams from your heart, send warmth down all paths.
Let the love on this earth, deliver you strength to mend.

A fever in your world, a joy ripped from your arms.
A gift opened your eyes, pain sears your resolve.
I will hold you close in this morning, awake with love.
I will carry you when you are heavy, as you rise above.

Shine as only you can, even with a broken heart
Desperation has no chance, when your spirit takes a stand.

Upside Down

Someday, someone's going to walk in your life...
...and turn it upside down.
You always told me that I oughta think twice,
before letting anyone in to my world.

Sometimes I sit inside of myself, during dry times of writing. A professor I had in college for a poetry workshop always told me you have to be able to "kill your babies" in order to write anything worthwhile when it comes to Poetry. The same goes for all mediums of art, in my eyes. Yes, this is a very disturbing saying.. personifying the artistic process of letting go. But sometimes the truth is harsh, and so is letting go- most times. I've got a few pieces in the works, that I've been working on since the beginning of June. Countless times I've gone back, sometimes adding a word here or there, sometimes a line. But sometimes I've left it for weeks realizing that I'm just not ready to finish it yet. I'm just not at the point in my journey where I have the words to finish it. Sometimes down the road I realize it was finished all along, and it just needs to be sharpened. Othertimes, it takes on all new life- and blossoms into something entirely different than what I originally intended.
It's just really difficult during these blank times- to be patient for the inspiration, and the words to start flowing again. At times I hit blank/writer's block times when I'm going through something particularly difficult. Other times, when I feel uninvolved and or depressed with the way my life is going. Right now, I certainly have plenty that is stressing me out, both of a positive nature- and a more concerning or confusing nature. This normally would be a fruitful, and bountiful time for my writing-- being that I have so much to draw from. But lately it's just not happening for me. What is it that YOU do, to get your writing rolling again? Freewrites? Dabble in other mediums? I'd love to hear from you.

New-- Reader's Submission

Under The Rock by rgv '07
Forever yours
I write this letter to you
With the knowledge I have learned in the desert sands
We have but one chance to relive this history
Forgotten memories of love and miseries

So just follow me
So just follow me through the empty breeze

The world then was
Swept away with tears
Throughout the years
And blood stood tall
Only to fall
Into the hollow
And forsaken
Blinded by the road
The brightest ever taken

So just follow me
Yeah just follow me
Follow me through the empty breeze

Comparing the sun to moon
Finding life in the brightest
Of all darkest rooms
Visions of despair
Sitting in the liars chair
Oh I will still be waiting right here

So just follow me
Yeah just follow me
Through the empty breeze
Straight between the trees
To the necromancer's cave
By the stone pillar through the lion's mane
Where the wizard stands
And the old man plans
To take a leap of faith
Into the great wide unknown
The old man stands tall
Only to fall
Into the hollow and forsaken
The brightest road ever taken

So just follow
Yeah just follow me
Follow the brightest path
To nothingness
That only the gods could ever witness

New-- Reader's Submission

Game Over

Lets play a game daddy…
      just you and me…
Let’s see who can carry this basket of our secrets longer
I dare you to beat me…Beat my record of 28yrs
Can you tell it’s been that long?
                  Look at me…
I am falling sideways,
          slouching from years of silence,
torn by tolerance…
blood
dripping
        from my swollen tongue -
            this tongue…
              my tongue has been bitten
so often…
      too deeply.
Look at me… I am tired.
Inflated eyes
Strain
        to
          look for
              reasons to love you…
While truth clouds my focus
and all I see
are reasons not to.
I am that little girl you neglected.
That little girl
molested
in your home… while you were
in
      the
          shower
            And you knew…
but
never
said
a
word.
And I…
never
said
a
word…
instead
I swallowed that blood between my teeth
and wiped the residue between my legs.
Can you carry this basket?
I will no longer cry
for that little girl that
                  used to be me…
I’ll cry now for the world that
knows
      men
           like
                you.
Silent men.
Weak men…
who say…
        nothing,
who do
        nothing.
When something needs to be done.
I need to be done.
        I will unravel the web of excuses I’ve made for you
            I will tell the truth at my engagement dinner
I will say that you couldn’t come because your wife
               Comes first
                    and I don’t
                        come at all.
You have made that clear
I have been struggling for far too long… fighting the truth that I don’t matter.
And I am done
Know this daddy,
that I am the only one who will
          ever call you by that name.
Know that you have proven to me now, like you did then,
                              that you are still in the shower.
And
I will never be a part of who you are
I am done fighting against you.
I am done trying to be loved by you.
And I am done carrying this basket of our secrets…

Written by Ninive Hernandez

When Death Comes by Mary Oliver

(I just wanted to share a poem from one of my favorite poets in the entire world, this is so special to me.)
When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox:

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.
-- Mary Oliver

I haven't closed the book, but I'm turning the page.

This has been an interesting last several days. Something of a switch has gone on (or off, depending on perspective) inside of me- where everything has changed. Everything around me looks differently, I feel differently, and I even appear differently.. in my own awareness. I'm not the same person I was a couple of days ago. I feel so many things right now that haven't changed any of the difficult things I've been dealing/coping with lately...or my reality in any sense... but they've certainly changed me. For one of the first times in my life, I can truthfully, honestly, and securely say- the only source of this ... epiphany (if that is what this is).. Is me. Nobody else came along and flipped a switch for me, held open a door for me, dug a little deeper inside of my many, complicated layers and protective walls...or even strengthened me by believing in me....I flipped this switch on my own. I did this using my own power, under my own volition; using my own thoughts and my own energy, sufficient in and of itself.

For the greater portion of my life, I wondered why I couldn't be my own source of inspiration, light and strength. I wondered why I could only stay open for so long- without losing the will, enlightenment, motivation, or courage... and have to close the door for a long time and recover, and recuperate. I wondered, without outside influence-- why I couldn't evolve, thrive, change and grow. Outside influence being anything from environment, circumstance, traumatic event or person in my life- making or inspiring change for me, or inspiring change by being present with or around me. But I was wrong... the one thing- I've always thought I understood- were emotions, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking- and what I need to do. I've always been opinionated, strong willed, and passionate about the things I say and do. But I was wrong, I was so, so very wrong. I am my light in every single way I wished I was, for so long. I am strong, in all of the ways I emulated in my role models and the great individuals I love and surround myself with. I have the motivation, to better myself, my life and all of the decisions I make, and the openness I allow for myself to feel joy, pain, desire and belief.. in myself. Most of all, I have the courage- to face absolutely anything- without losing sense of who I am, what I believe, and what I need to do to keep going and be happy. I can open the door to my own light, I can hold that door for as long as I need and/or want, and I can decide for myself when it's best to close it- and know that I'm doing what is best, and truly right for me. Without putting myself down for needing to rest, without criticizing and belittling myself as weak and emotionally unstable, and without selling myself short in terms of what I can do, and what I can cope with on my own. To believe in yourself is a powerful thing. "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Now I see an entirely different meaning in Roosevelt's words, and it wasn't anywhere close to what I thought it meant before. The stick, to me- is never, was never, and will never be an object or anything outside of my or any individual’s walls. The stick is me, and I am not just carrying myself, but I am.. myself and everything I need to be smart about what I need to do, how I'm going to do it, and believe in myself the entire way. Even if I don't feel that way right away, I will find the way.

Not to be mistaken, for self righteousness; I acknowledge, appreciate and am endlessly moved by the impact others have on how fruitful and fulfilling the nature of my life can be (and more often than not) is. My friends, my teachers, even those who have betrayed me have all played even larger parts than any one of them individually could have the capacity to understand. I am not alone in this world, and I am but one person, with a decidedly insignificant role in the universe as a whole. And it may be humorous to some (even myself in a strange way) for me to quote my own mother in a time like this, but as she always told me.. the only person I can control in this life is myself. That idea used to be the source of great frustration for me, being that others have the power to make my life very difficult. Not having control over your environment and the things that happen to you- can be a very daunting, intimidating and often painful thing. But the doors that open, from the freedom of that lack of control, are endless. The impact, you can have on others lives for greater or worse- is endless, when you stop trying to control everything that happens to you- or anyone else. Sometimes in this lifetime it seems I just have to take things as they come- but be decisive in what I want, how I act, and the beliefs I carry inside. When I do that, everything tends to fall into place- even if it doesn't always happen in a timely fashion, or in any sense of the order I wish it would.

There's someone in my life, who I had an incredible connection and relationship with that unfortunately ended and changed far sooner and more swiftly than I ever could have been prepared for. I am carrying a great deal of pain and grief presently, because of the loss of that friendship and connection. This person had such an extraordinary impact on my life, beyond what they could understand. Beyond what I have the capacity to fully appreciate yet, I'm very aware of this. And certainly far, far beyond anything that anyone else could pick up on simply by knowing me, this person, or the relationship we had. This person always amazed me, and would continue to do so should their presence be known in the more tangible sense. Even without them here, I still am amazed by what I find from all the things I have experienced thus far. What that person gave me were incredible and personal gifts that I have never known, and will never stop being moved by and grateful for.

There are gifts that I have discovered however, that surpass what this person had the ability to actually give me. I feel like they turned my attention towards one of the greatest gifts of all; on a path I had already started walking towards, myself. This person helped me find clarity in certain elements of my life that I never thought would ever be visible, and pieces of my life I never thought I'd be able to put together- just by being a part of my life. This person reminded me of things I had forgotten or didn't know how to listen to inside of myself, and reminded me not just that I could trust, but that I can continue to find (in myself) the light I need to survive all the darkness in myself AND in the world. I love myself now in a way I never thought possible. In that same way I care for and love others- in that way that I want to watch out for them, protect them, help them be happy and thrive. I want that for myself now. I care for myself in the way that I push myself when I need courage, and I comfort myself when I need to lay low for a while. I handle myself calmly, and soothingly in the face of chaos and trauma-- and I speak firmly in times of confusion and impulsive temptations. (as much as I can, I'm still improving) I hear myself when I have negative thinking, and I call myself on it. I know better now- I know who I am, I know what I need- I know what I can do- and I know what is wonderful about the person that I am. I don't let myself get away with the same abuse that I've shown myself all my life. I deserve better, and for the first time I can say that I actually believe it. We all need to accept and acknowledge that the way you treat yourself is synonymous with the way you will exist in any relationship, connection AND important event in your life. You can never find a truly fulfilling experience, girlfriend, boyfriend- or a deep, enlightening friendship-- without first being that- for yourself. Being open to being your own friend, appreciating what you do, how you feel, and what you think. Not just harboring your feelings and way of being in the world, but actually supporting it, believing it and nurturing your own abilities and awareness. Being open to the gifts that you can give yourself simply by truly appreciating everything around you. The joy; in every conversation you have with a close friend. The nuances; in the interpretation of a great book you can't put down. The colors; in a day filled with laughter and memories- the brightness of any day where you know you will always remember everyone in it, what everyone was doing, and everything that was said.

Pain is for and with everyone, we all experience it, we all struggle with it- and often can feel completely inept and held back by it. But, the important piece that is often missed altogether- is that the same thing goes for the other side of the spectrum.. joy. Joy is an experience that takes a good deal of trust, vulnerability, and willingness to take risks and make difficult decisions. JUST like dealing with and coping with pain. In order to be able to experience, let go of, learn from, and appreciate joy- we need to be able to experience, let go of, learn from and appreciate the pain too. Both, will return- and both will often cause the same confusion and feelings of not having the capacity to understand or even grasp for any extended period of time. But both, will continue to deliver the same amount of experience, passion and reward of being fully alive and unapologetically grateful for life itself and all that comes with it.

Breathing Phoenix

When you left,
everyone expected me to break.
Me and my big old heart,
what could be left, once she's gotten up?
No one ever uttered those words aloud
but I hear them in the quieted tones and the
muttered glances like amplified whispers.

Sure, I've learned a thing or two about pain
this time around with a broken heart..
I lost a lover and my friend, who remains
inside me, despite her departure.
I've encountered a darkness I had never seen when
I lost the life I shared with you.

But I've learned a thing or two about me as well,
about what is inside me, beyond what you can tell
beyond what others see, or can even hear
underneath my heartbeat, underneath my chest.
Outside of my bleeding heart, yet holding it close.
It pushes me to stand, when my heart wants to rest.
It gets me out of bed, when I want to shut the world out.
It gives me back my smile, when I struggle with my fears.
It encourages me to do my best, when I feel beaten down.
It gives me comfort when I need it the most,
and it understands when my anger roasts me.
It picks me up when I've lost my ground, and
and gives me faith far beyond what is "sound."
It's the fire that feeds me when my body runs cold,
and it's the mist that cools me when my passion burns.

It's the reason I stand, and permits me to stand down.
It fuels me when I lose my will, and shows me how to stop when I've had my fill.
It's the reason I'm alive; despite what I do, how much I get hurt
or how much I miss you.
It's stronger than my intuition and even my heart
the spirit inside me will never die.

Sometimes you just need a little affirmation....

There are weeks where I feel as if I'm getting taken on a bruise cruise with Mother Nature. One minute I'm basking in the sun, smiling and beaming with the warmth and enrichment of a beautiful day. The next moment I could be hit by a linebacker gust of wind and blown right off my feet. Next minute I get poured on, but I look up and pray that the water will wash all my stress, pain, and frustration away. The next, it's freezing and it's hard to go outside for my daily walk. The next, there's no wind at all- and it's a perfect balance between warmth and chill- where its warm enough that I won't need a jacket, but cool enough so I won't break a sweat. There are those days when the weather seems to take a day off... and I can just sit outside and have no interference at all, and just be able to find my own air current and disappear into my own imagination .. away from the daily rumblings of work, matters of the heart and mind... etc etc. Now, you might say that this is just because I live in New England... :) which is true..but when it is synonymous with my internal world and the constant change... is that really a factor of my environment on the outside?

If I hadn't dealt with the stress that I've been dealing with lately- I'd probably say yes. The environment and nature play a HUGE role in the changing of seasons inside ourselves. However, sometimes it seems my moods are a precursor, or just a parallel theme to the weather around me. I want to be outside, inside, up in my head, in the sun, in my bed... wherever I choose to be, and find that peaceful day again. That peace is within me I just have to direct my energy towards finding it. So much of my happiness depends on my connection with inner peace and balance. Sometimes I need to remind myself what to focus on. It's not all about perspective, but we all can use a little encouragement sometimes. I have what I need, all within myself... to survive, to be happy, and to live a good life. We all do, it can be a scary task, and it can feel very lonely. Life often is. Sometimes I forget how strong I am.

Just a little recommendation for reading, if you are looking for that balance within yourself, these have brought me so much peace. OK, two recommendations: Tao Te Ching, and the Celestine Prophecy.


NOTE: For those interested there is a hardcover version of Tao Te Ching, which is the version I own myself. It is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous and I recommend at least looking at it at a bookstore even if you choose to purchase the paperback instead. The illustrations are amazing and really give you a whole different view inside the peaceful verses and imagery. :) Enjoy! (see link below)
Tao Te Ching (HARDCOVER VERSION)