Unfinished mark of the anniversary of change.

One year ago...Death marked the end of fear, beginning of change, extension of strength..
_________________________________________________

Fighting the loneliness everyday
it seems that the mountain's the only way.
Climbing and fighting my life away
bearing the weather to break through again.

I know that tomorrow I'll stand on the top
still inches between me and the way to drop.
Only my will to fend off the dark thoughts
that threaten my balance and ask me to stop.

Although the horizon is warm and bright
I struggle to feel it while alone in the night.
The sun in the morning reminds me to fight
the moon in the evening reveals my true plight.

Fiery passion fuels the trail to descend
the rush of the rivers will guide me to mend.
The force of balance that each boulder lends
brings blessings of silence; the fusion of strength.

____________________________________________

Not my typical style at all... but I guess this coming anniversary is anything but typical...

Sometimes the most cathartic thing in the world...

Is remembering how fortunate you are. I'm trying... each and everyday as the one year anniversary approaches. To celebrate the positive, to celebrate my health, to celebrate where I've come. The negativity will come. I can't prevent the feelings, the hurt, the fear, the likely nightmares. But I am growing back into myself more and more everyday. This was my practice earlier today...

"Nothing compares to the love I've received from my family & friends this year. Nothing compares to the support I've received, from those that love me. I am continuously humbled and touched by the amount of patience, humility, intuition, and concern my friends and loved ones have shown me. Never could I ever expect or dream of better friends.. and I know how incredibly fortunate I am. There are those of you I haven't talked to in a while, and those of you that aren't in touch with me right now for whatever reason. There are those of you that have supported me by giving me the space I needed, and there are those of you that stood by me this year through thick and thin- without hesitation. There's even a few of you that stuck with me night and day through all of the chaos, fury, anger, nightmares- flashbacks and so on. There are those of you that didn't flinch when I couldn't stop crying, never creeped away when I'd lose my temper for no reason, never judged when I didn't want to get up some mornings, or didn't want to leave the house. There are those of you that didn't expect or ask me to smile even though I usually would be, and there are those of you who refused to give up trying to give me moments of joy--even for a couple seconds to ease the ache. There are those of you that didn't flinch or step away when I was irritable and difficult- or just plain old cold. There are those of you who dragged me out of the house when I hid too long, those of you who came just to give me some company--even though I couldn't talk.. or didn't have anything to offer/say. There are those of you that would remember to give me a phone call here and there- just to find out how I was doing- and to remind me that you love me. There are those of you who just hugged or held me when I couldn't tell you what I needed--when I honestly didn't know and felt completely empty.

There's a few of you who were there in the days after 8/25/07 who listened as I told you what happened- and NEVER for a second were disturbed or thrown for a loop. There are those of you who looked me in the eyes when I completely lost it, and those that were stable and calm when I couldn't even stand-- when I really needed you. There are those of you who even held my hand and walked with me when I did some very difficult things. Those of you that stayed with me some nights when I woke up crying, or just going out of my mind.

I want each and every one of you to know just how much I appreciate you. I want you to know that every single day... for the last 365 (almost) days I have felt that your love saved my life. Every single day I knew, every single day I held on to your love and support for my dear life. Each and every one of you gave me a reason to hold on when I wanted to give up. Everyday, even though I didn't tell you-- you gave me a reason to get up in the morning. I didn't tell you what I felt inside and you continued to love and support me anyway. (even when I didn't have the words to show you that I knew-- and appreciated you.) I know I may have hurt some people along the way, I know there are those who didn't really know what was going on with me and I couldn't find it in my heart to tell you. I want to re-connect with each and every one of you, and little by little I know now that I can show you just how much you impact me.

Whether we have not been in touch for a while, regardless of the ups and downs leading up to today. Whether you have been hurt by what I have said and might be upset with me or vice versa.. every single one of you .. I want you to know how much I thank you. Without you I don't know where I'd be and my heart carries you all when the days get dark. I know I have a long road ahead of me-- but I also know how far I've come. You've had so much to do with that, and I feel it's important for me to finally say that. You know who you are, thank you all for helping me realize that I can do this, and I can continue to do this in the days ahead, healing, believing, growing and finding peace and happiness and finding myself again.

Forever I will remember you, and what you have done and shown me. I send my love out to you.....

Yours Truly"

Silver Lining

Why does life have a silver lining? Why are there so many beautiful things in life, that make you feel on top of the world- but then have such potential to absolutely crush you. Why am I so open, and give of my heart so freely- when I've been let down so many times? How can I ever.. prevent bringing this jaded sense of doom into a future relationship?

For the last three years I've given my heart .. to one person. This person gave me such joy- and such companionship unlike anything I have ever felt. We have so many good memories together- regardless of how much we struggled towards the end of our relationship. Towards the beginning, this person was so sure that they wanted to spend their life with me- so sure that it even made me a bit nervous because I coudn't see that far into the future. Eventually, through trials and tribulations- fights and resolutions, I came to the realization that the love we had put me in a place I wanted to bring into the future. The companionship and cooperation we tried to create between us- made me feel so much more capable to face the world. The dark sides of me, the damaged, painful and scary parts of me didn't phase my partner. My partner loved who I was, what I felt, regardless of my baggage. I wanted to settle down for all time, regardless of any fear that it wouldn't work... or that I'd be let down. I made mistakes, I hurt her feelings, I demanded too much, I tried too hard, I pushed too hard, so many things over the three years. I knew that at times I made things harder. Never in all of the things that I had done and hadn't done, out of all the mistakes I made- never did it seem impossible for me to always improve and become a better partner. In all actuality I tried as hard as I could to make it my way of being in the relationship, being a work in progress. I wished for the same thing from my partner, even though I didn't always get it. Regardless of the pain she caused me over the span of our relationship, I had this enduring hope that we'd break through the darkness that we experienced. I had hope that the problems we had individually that interfered with us getting along... I had hope that we'd perservere and become stronger because of it. I put my heart and soul, into the love I had for my partner, and my mind to do the best I could to keep it strong.

Then my love came to bite me. Then my partner stabbed me in the back. Then one of my best friends in the entire world, betrayed me. Two of the most important people in my world, waited until my back was turned to completely throw everything away, including my heart. I gave my all, I gave my heart, only to have it pierced with heartless decisions... the ones I was most vulnerable to, the ones I NEVER imagined would not be a part of my life... they were also the people who completely devastated me. They were the people who decided to throw our trust away, to throw our history away, and to throw our friendship away. Those were the same people who decided that a night of pleasure was worth more than so many years of friendship and more. My heart isn't returnable... even if I wanted it to be, I can't take it back. I can't tell my heart to stop loving. I can't tell it to just forget it... and even if I thought it would be a good idea to try- my heart wouldn't listen. I can't tell it that this person doesn't deserve it anymore, I can't reach out and grab it back because things have changed. No matter how much these two people hurt me and deserted me, I can't stop loving them because they had my heart already. They had my soul, they had my life, I trusted everything with them. They were the people I thought were my soulmates, I thought they were the people most central to life- that they would always bring me joy until the last days I breathe. They were the people who I thought made me so much more of a person, because of how much they impacted me. They sabotaged that, they spit in the face of what I thought we all held so dear, they decided it was- and in turn I was expendable, replaceable, unimportant. This was no mistake, they decided to do this- whether they admit it or not. There's no silver lining to that.

So much has happened in the last year. So much has changed. I've been struggling with things I never imagined could happen. Outside of my friendships and relationships, I've had such a large battle with darkness- that I've only now started to feel like I'm actually winning, or at least putting up an equally as powerful of a fight. Then heartbreak became reality. I don't want to be brought back down in hell-- I perservered for too long to lose it now, I can't go back there. I don't want to give up all of the work I have done, and all of the things I've acheived.. and how far I have come.. because of this. I don't want to be anywhere else for one of the first times in my life, and regardless of the pain I don't want to let this rob me of my hope, and faith which have both recently re-introduced themselves in my life. Where's my silver lining? Where's the time that I get a little nudge in the right direction? Every step I take has been the most difficult, the heaviest of any movement I've ever had. I've been blinded for so much time, I've been lost for far too long. I don't want to abandon myself. I'm scared, confused, strained and tired. I pray for release, every day and night. I pray that I continue this fight and never give up.

Ten Days, until the day I died...

until the day my heart sizzled into nothing
Ten days until the day I fell
into an abyss I could never find or
ever escape from hell inside.

Ten days to the day my life fell apart
and spread my pieces all over a world
that I couldn't penetrate.
Ten days to the day I looked in the mirror
and didn't recognize the person looking back.
The living dead before my eyes;
I feared the person in the reflection
a perfect stranger looking in.

Ten days until the day I lost myself
and the soul inside my skin was
scratching, gasping, crying, clawing
to shed the walls that kept her in.
Ten days until I felt the soul
inside me die; and I was powerless
to revive the life that stuttered to a stop.
Ten days until my heart stopped beating
if for an instant it felt as if
it burst open at the seams.

Ten days until the blood inside my veins
was a river of poison covered knives
slicing every source of air
my body could breathe in.
Ten days until the day my legs gave out
my shoulders bowed, my eyes went black.
Ten days until the day I lost my smile
my skin went pale, and my mind went wild.
Ten days until my muscles tightened
my fingers clenched, my torso bent.
Ten days until I crawled inside myself
vowing never to return.

Ten days until a lifetime passed
when eternity became a year.
I must have missed "God's" intuition
when steeped in hell to perservere.
My only hope was my direction
wavering on my faith in love;
my very essense was depending
on my never giving in.
This small raft on which I'm sailing
has stayed afloat just for a while,
just enough to poke my head
out from under the sea i've been
hiding in.

But can you find me where I'm sailing?
When will I know its safe,
to enter into a world demanding
me to cope with my despair
while knowing he's saved face?

Anger

Anger.


Won't get the best of me.

Bitterness, pettiness, ignorance, senseless claims and rash words are a waste of time. I've wasted enough, and this isn't worth fighting over. There's no fight to have, I've got one way to go, and that's out. Good riddance to negativity, I'm moving through and won't stop at any obstacle. Go ahead, get in my way- I dare you. I won't say I won't ever have doubts, I won't say I will never slip. But I'll be damned before I let myself give up again, giving up on myself isn't an option anymore. I'm moving for love, I'm moving for my life, I'm moving for something better in this world- I deserve better for me.

I've felt all the pain, and I'll feel it again. It will follow me always, but it won't break me again. My pieces may be apart, but all is not lost. I'm working for faith, I'm working for myself- and for a greater future, a greater life ... for ME. I'm in this for myself, its nice to finally be in my own corner. It's about time I believe- in what I can do, and what I have done to get through this life. It's the time now, as it has been before to believe in who I am and what I'm made of. I've worried enough, I've lost enough sleep. Today will bring change, tomorrow will bring more. I'll continue to learn to flex, and stay strong when things get stormy again. I'll know that I can get through anything, nothing can break me again. I will fall, and I will get up again. I will lose energy at times, but re-energize again- and I will fear things but I will face them now as I have nothing to lose. Death will bring the end to this life, but whenever that may be I want to know I've lived as much as I could in the life that I've been blessed with.

I'll kick and I'll scream, I'll get lost in my mind. My heart will get cloudy, my outlook can be blind. But I have to keep moving, clarity won't find me if I continue to run. I'm going to be here, and everywhere else- but I will be ready when my day will come. I've been hurt, I've been abused- but I won't continue it towards me I will tend to my wounds. They won't be the name of me, or cover my face but they are part of me but not all of me just another part to embrace. Being lost is only a part of the plan, there's no way I can lose direction I just need to slow down sometimes. Sometimes the path just changes- and I have to continue to follow where my heart leads me, and listen to the answers it gives me. Even when it hurts.

Back to Pain

I know there are others out there that feel like they can't win. I know you are reading this and thinking that you've been there. How much heartbreak can one person take before they break? How much pain can someone survive through before losing their mind? How does one move on, heal, and feel confident that good times are ahead when everytime they stand up they fall flat on their face again?

It seems I make the same mistakes over and over again. My intentions are good, but the results of parts of me, or parts of my life that I care about just don't seem to work out in the end. I've had a particularly hard year- but its not just this year. I know humans aren't perfect... but I'm starting to wonder about myself. Surviving through rape, and the aftermath was one of the hardest things I've had to do. First it was disgust, feeling that a foreign substance was in my body.. which there was.. but of course even after the physical remnants, its the broken spirit inside of me... the decomposing heart. That's what it felt like for me in the beginning. I was sick all of the time, I couldn't loosen up, I couldn't relax my tense muscles, I didn't let anyone near me. I didn't tell some of my loved ones until months later. I only left the house when I was forced to. Then it moved on to shock, depression, anxiety, nightmares.. a lot of which i'm still experiencing today. I'm not sure if other survivors would agree with me or not (my guess is that you would) but the traumatic experiences I've had after the rape- the pain from that has been much more intense than the actual rape itself. I find that I experience it all over again, in the tension, the headaches, the fluctuating appetite, loss of devotion/direction, and so many other ways.

Losing a loved one, seperating from someone you love is a lot like that. All of the love I carry and carried inside of me feels like knives, like poison, like a sickness that is taking over my body. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't walk around without the feeling that I'm going to pass out, and/or completly sick to my stomach. The shock of being betrayed, the pain from three years spent with the person I love all this anger just tears my insides apart. The pain from losing a dear friend, who is more like family to a deceitful act that cannot be undone. I love my former partner still- but I can no longer look at this person without wanting to die. The pain is overwhelming. It hurts to love someone who has caused you so much pain. The feelings of love put people in the highest forms of themselves- brings out the spirit in us all. The loss of love, is the death of our insides and where we must be born again. How many more lives are left in me? How many blessings and/or gifts are waiting in the wings for me? Are there any? So far I've just lost touch. I'm in an alternate reality that I can't escape. I'm crying out all night and all day, inside my head although no one can hear me. The two parts of this situation are constantly warring in my brain- fighting the love, fighting the hate, fighting the heartbreak, fighting the fear.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just, I wonder when in my life.. that inspiration won't just be a joke to me. I wonder when I can live without fear of losing everything. I wonder when these nightmares will stop, when this pain will subside, when I can be truly happy. I deserve this.

Yielding the Knife

What do you do when your world is upside down?
Over and over when its turned and shaken
where do you go when you are completely out of place?
How do you begin to move when you've lost your faith?

Why is there pain from which we cannot recover?
We can only live and learn to decide better
this idea works on paper, but in my heart
it just doesn't fit.

How do you mend a wounded heart
when the ones that support you,
are yielding the knife?
Where do you walk, surrounded by
burned bridges, as you're stumbling through
shocked, bruised, lost and used?

I want to return, to where things made sense.
But that isn't my choice, and is no longer my path.
I just want to crawl in a hole and hide.
I've been told I'm strong and so full of life.
But I feel so weak, broken and dead inside.

I just want to live. I want to be happy.
I want to find that it could happen,
that it could stay, not just come and go
I'd settle for content with what I see in front of me,
but reminders are haunting me of what I've lost.

Who do I look for, and how do I trust
when all that I've lived for has fallen apart?


I don't want to lose everything, but it appears that
my everything has lost me.

Pulse

I keep my ears on the pitch of life
when I can't find the key.
The thumping rhythm leads a chorus
directing me to move and sing.
This song has been with me
as long as I've had air to breathe
and filled my heart with joy and passion
to share the spirit kept within.

When it sped up, grew strong and full
when it slowed, grew quiet and glum.
I should have listened.
Instead of looking to the sky,
I should only keep my mind;
bite my tongue and bide my time,
to cut out the noise and listen.

Nothing ever speaks the truth,
like changing notes and timely cues.
The ebb and flow of tone and chords
will teach me timing and teach me tune.
When all in one I can't cry out,
but wait in turn the lyrics will come.
If I open my heart and express my fears,
the world will listen and my
purpose is revealed.

There is no choice but to keep it going
if I choose to sing.
I'll always have the song inside and
If I breathe, it will survive-
because it is in me.
When I find I've lost my sense
I can remember I'll always have
my hand on the pulse, my vigor
my song; it is the only living truth.

Waste of Space

What is it that I have to do
to rid my mind of all thoughts of you?
When will time begin to run
so my body catches up to how far I've come?
Where is the place where things make sense
and the things that matter take precedence?
How can I beat your disease and restart
and remove what remains of your putrid marks?
Why is my body a sacrifice to crime
what law is protecting what is sacred, what is mine?

The truth is harsh, reality a shame
you're a coward condoned, your brutality framed.
It should put you away, but still you are spared
while I work through my life carrying the pain
knowing there is no justice, answers or closure
and I find no hope for change.
Liberation fails me
and I'm quickly pushed aside.
But fury still claims me, and
I'm followed by your grime.

I'm fully aware that I'd end you
if I only had the chance.
It's fortunate that you've stayed away,
as my hands betray reason.
But the thoughts remain alive
as my healing pushes through,
still you remain, in the depths of
my mind, a pile of waste that I
long to throw away.

How fitting it would be, that your
throat would be stifled
when the time that I've survived
passed through breathless nightmares
stabbing memories and lifeless days.
The darkness became me, the disgust
overwhelming. But this feculence is you
and the stench of your presence
is now removed and disposed
as your time has passed.

Revenge is a fool's game, my anger is not.
I speak in full sentences- and I walk with pride.
You represent criminals, you represent filth
you represent prejudice, you represent lies.
Your actions will follow you always
your relevance is maimed.

I know you can hear me,
as police call your bluff.
Consider it a gift, from me to you-
humiliation delivered to your door
now everyone is watching you,
the ball is in your court.
I don't wish to retaliate,
I won't waste my breath
Indecency doesn't own me
but this you'll carry to your death.

You've wasted your life-
and stolen far too much of mine.
Peace is the gift that I now
give to myself- knowing each day is golden
and now you face your crime.
Even though I hate you, and gag with every thought
I'm burning all the memories of you
and returning to my faith.
You will never define me
or ever dampen my strength.
You will never control me
or hurt me ever again.
Justice may defy me, but your actions
will catch up to you in the end
the truth will defile you
and gladly it's out of my hands.


You are gone, good riddance.

Boston is "Title Town." Hello!? Are we just noticing this now? :)

What a wonderful, long time coming/deserved voice of reason. I'm so sick of hearing year after year about the prejudice and racism in the city of Boston- and that being "what its known for." I'm sorry, but in the greatly white supremicist society we live in here in America, I'm so sick of people making Boston a scapegoat. Look at yourselves people... the race of African American people have been abused for centuries. Unfortunately, it hasn't ended either, and there are still wide spread issues and injustices alive and well in all corners of this country, and in all levels of society. Don't give me the "not in this town" crap, don't give me this "I'm not racist" crap. We're all a bit racist, whether we admit it or not- and its up to us to change that and grow for our future generations. We all have skeletons in our closets- it's about time we bring them out- have the courage to acknowledge them, learn from them- and work on healing our wounded nation and its people. I'm not intending to stir the pot here- but I just get so frustrated with people who have such self serving viewpoints that they don't realize their own flaws and fault. Guess it stirred up the pot in me, because I know I'm not the only one who admits my part in this widespread problem, and I'm not the only one willing to work for change.

"...It is a curious contradiction about Boston. The city had a questionable reputation in its eagerness to embrace baseball desegregation, and it was not so long ago that there were still mutterings that the Red Sox might not be the best choice for an African-American player because of Boston's racial climate.

But anyone up on NBA history knows that 44 years ago, the Celtics became the first team in history to start five black men. Red Auerbach did not care about a player's skin color, if he could help him get his victory cigar lit.

And the current Celtics seem enamored enough with their workplace.

"Since day 1," Kevin Garnett said, "Paul (Pierce) told me this is unlike any other city when it comes to sports. You give them a reason, and they will jump on and they will be behind you even when you're losing or even when you're going through tough times. I got to see that."

This is not a bad way to go chasing after championships. There is strength in unity. Not without reason, is it called Red Sox Nation..."


-Mike Lopresti of the Jackson Sun

Surviving. What Does it Mean Anyway?

What does 'surviving' actually mean? (or Survivor for that matter)
Is it the ability to stay alive? Is it understanding nature enough to be able to use one's surroundings to sustain health and energy? Does it entail the ideas of "survival of the fittest?" Is it what humans and other animals have had to do over time and evolution? Is it being able to live on during times of disaster in our country, and in this world we live in? Is it being able to "grant me [oneself] the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference?” Is it facing injustice defiantly, directly and undeterred, and having the determination to stand up for what we (you and/or I) believe in? Or is it something entirely separate from what we have the "tools" or life experience to EVER be prepared for-- but yet persevering all the same.
In my eyes, survival is something that happens when a person experiences something far beyond earth shattering. It's something that happens without will, without support- without knowing others believe in you. It's something that happens when everything joyful that you've ever loved, lost and revived- doesn't make a difference anymore. It's being helpless, lost and unable to soothe the excruciating pain you feel inside. It's knowing that the people you love- have no idea what its like to live on, when you feel that most of you has died. It's continuing to try to continue to heal, even when it seems that there's nothing you can do to take your pain away. It's being able to re-train your mind to think positive, when horrors and flashbacks continue to haunt, defile, humiliate and disown you. It's being able to hold on through the aftershocks of trauma and the fear of facing other people. It's being able to find calm when you can't seem to tell the difference between reality and your nightmares. Its being able to just keep living when you don't know who you are anymore. It's knowing that there is no choice but to keep going- even when it feels as if the world is literally shitting on you. It's being able to focus on yourself and being positive, when others look at you and think/say you are just making excuses. It's being able to remind yourself that certain experiences will cause you to act in ways that you don't like- but being able to affirm your efforts anyway. It's staying firm when your decisions/actions seem completely irrational to others- but still listening to your heart and following the path as it guides you. It's being able to remain on course- even when EVERYONE thinks they have the answer to be able to "fix," or change your situation. It's knowing that you are the only person who knows what is RIGHT FOR YOU...and it's having the initiative to change what isn't healthy in your life. It's being able to solidify your values and priorities; because your hands are full and your body/mind/soul is cluttered. It's acknowledging that you need to try to do just what is most important to your 'moving on' and healing. It's having the humility to accept that other's won't understand what its like to suffer with what you've been through-- so you can grant them patience and compassion for their words and actions. (Regardless of how it may make you feel, or how ignorant they may seem)
Most importantly- it's not giving up, no matter how discouraged you may be. It's the ability to avoid beating yourself up when you fall down and back a couple of steps- even when it felt like you were progressing. It's saving patience for yourself- to get you through those days when you just don't want to fight anymore. It doesn't matter that you want to give up, it doesn't matter that you feel hopeless. It doesn't matter if you worry that you can't continue, because survival doesn't discriminate- and it won't cut you down for the negative thoughts you have. I firmly believe that we have hearts, and soul for a reason- and without thinking everything through- you'll still be lead on the path that you need to choose and follow. Sometimes not making a decision, is the best decision you could make in life. Sometimes, letting life lead you is the best way to find your way out when you are lost. Survival- to me is to be able to bear such weight everyday without giving up entirely and not giving yourself a chance to heal. Healing will happen regardless of what we do in life- the only thing it depends on is staying alive. We're all meant to heal- but we are also mortal, it may never be complete.

I don't mean for this to be some inspirational post. I don't mean to say I do all of these things- or even most of them everyday. I'm so far from perfect that I'm not sure I could push for anymore distance. This is just a meditation to work my way through the confusion of my daily life and all the emotions, worries and thoughts that come with it. I am sure that there are others battling this everyday as well. I hope eventually I can learn from others who are trying to survive- struggling to survive at times. I hope you have the courage to reach out, if anything I'm writing means something to you in regards to your experience.

I'm Not Lost, Just Undiscovered.

Do you ever feel like you could scream at the top of your lungs, and nobody would hear you?

Do you ever feel like, the harder you try to express yourself- the more your feelings and thoughts sound completely incoherent and disordered?

Do you ever feel that your energy, your body language and/or your tone affects others negatively?
There are times, when I see the confusion or disturbed expression on a person's face before I even open my mouth. There are ways, that I put people off without knowing how- or why- or what it is that is causing them to feel/react that way. Even when I do know, what it is that I've done, or what I've said or how I've acted that made them feel that way- I feel powerless to stop it. It feels like even if I know ahead of time I'm feeling a certain way- and I literally think to myself that I need to be careful- or aware of how I'm coming across- it seems that I do the very things, say the very words, and act in all of the ways I was trying to prevent. (or at least adjust) I've always been a strong minded and willed person- and I've never had a problem with saying EXACTLY what I mean and intend to. Lately I just don't feel like I'm in the "driver's seat" and I want so desperately to feel more in control. I feel, that my energy is not what it should be- I know that it isn't. But even when I am feeling lighter- or feeling less hindered I still don't seem to present or put forth this energy- these feelings. It seems- that my person, my energy and spirit has been skewed (sp?) especially from the perspective of the people around me... even with the people who know me best, and love me the most. It seems that I speak in code that is completely seperate from the language that other's can understand...like I'm living in a culture and I don't know the language. Or, possibly a better example would be that I am hard of hearing- but my sign language doesn't translate. Either that- or I've completely forgotten how to sign altogether- but it feels like I'm using the same language- same words that I have all along. Apparently I'm not, apparently my vocabulary has disappeared. (All due respect to those who are hard of hearing- I don't claim to understand their experience of course- but this metaphor was the best I could do to describe where I'm at.) I know- and I've been reminded that all of this is normal for anyone who's been through what I've experienced. But- I guess its just difficult- when I feel like I'm seeing myself from the outside- and not quite experiencing life as .. myself- as the person inside my body. That's difficult. I feel I've been getting better- then relapsing, rehashing- and old bad habits come and overwhelm me again. When is the rollercoaster going to be over? When can I feel alive again? Surviving- isn't very glamorous- it isn't satisfying, gratifying, or comforting. Where are you, today?

Did I mention I love the Red Sox?

I know I have. :) You'll see more Patriots news as the season approaches. I usually report on highlights from games I thought were fantastic, or games that had noteworthy performance from my standpoint, statistics standpoint- or from a valued source. This time, its both from the game I watched last night- and realizing how important and incredible this accomplishment is- for so many reasons.

Lester has had a few lackluster performances so far this season, to say the least- but none of his teammates, or Francona ever doubted him. They always said, "he has great stuff, he just needs confidence." While I wanted to trust their word, his apparent inability to have a clean inning, and his penchant for gathering several men on base and having to pitch out of tough situations, so on and so forth has been frustrating. I wondered if he would come around,(I hoped he would) and wondered what exactly needed to happen in order for him to gain confidence. I got the answer last night. Lester blew me away with his command, and the aggressiveness he showed at the mound with EVERY hitter. It was the fourth no-hitter of the captain Jason Varitek's career with the Red Sox. No other catcher has that many. It isn't just the statistics that blow me away, its also how difficult it is to accomplish that feat. So many things go into that, from discipline, stamina, and command from the pitcher; but also stellar defense, clean plays, and a cleanly (and creative) called game from behind the plate. The rules are a bit sketchy surrounding no-hitters- I really didn't understand that until reading this article. I didn't really grasp the significance of his accomplishment... until reading that article. All this put together, pitching a no-hitter is a challenging feat that most pitchers could NEVER even dream of doing.

Usually you can tell almost RIGHT away whether a pitcher will make it or not in Boston. Many don't. (perfect example, Eric Gagne. We called him "GAG-ne" ) First, they have to be thick-skinned, strong, disciplined etc to survive the Boston fans. Talent isn't enough up here. This stretches to all New England fans in general, going in line with Belichik's "Do your job" philosophy. You don't do that, you don't survive up here. I was literally brought up learning this from day one- and my love of the game and the Red Sox has never and will never stop growing.

Anyway, that's enough for now.... Congratulations Jon Lester!

Stuck with Lugo?

From FoxSports. com "The Red Sox appear stuck with shortstop Julio
Lugo, who is earning $9 million per season through 2010, but they inquired about the Astros' Mark Loretta in spring training, evidently viewing him as possible infield insurance. A trade for the Giants' Omar Vizquel might be something for the Sox to consider: Vizquel would offer steady and at times spectacular defense, and offense that would be no worse than Lugo's ..." Source: Fox Sports

Affirming Dissonance

4/29-5/13

Who's gonna save my soul now?
question never leaves my lips
God will protect me.
statement never captures my heart
But I do pray.
hope doesn't always match the odds
So I'll hold on tight.
effort doesn't produce freedom
Still I endure the pain.
perspective can't change the truth
So I try to capture the moments of joy.
will isn't enough to shield fear and shame

Who will catch me if I fall?
caution bears no immunity from violation
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
courage to protest often remains unheard
I will stand and fight, no matter the cost.
vehemency won't relieve fury and bitterness
I am not a victim, I am a survivor.
integrity won't serve justice in the end
For those who are gone, I have to speak out.
words betray me, and the burden is mine alone
You devote your time and energy to heal me.
hands cannot fix what is impossible to touch

When my spirit screams, will you hear it?
agony is a silent, nameless solitude
There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
nightmares still haunt me, predicting catastrophy
For every step forward, there are ten steps back.
love keeps me standing, as faith will wax and wane
Life is always passing, going faster when I fall.
scars speak a thousand words, carved into my heart
Depression is a blanket when desire comes up lame.
repugnant thoughts surround me then distance is a friend
Fire won't go quietly, scorching all things reached by wind.
rebirth is my blessing and my spirit will transcend


(praising the greats: nod in appreciation of influence of Gnarls Barkley, Nietzche)

I just keep swimming :)

Badly neglected the blog in the last week, although I'm not sure how many readers I've got yet. Been a little caught up with some writing thats unfinished.... Any of you out there, feel free to speak up anytime. I know I've gotten a few, and if you feel like talking- know it will be anonymous if you choose and that is fine. I look forward to speaking with readers, survivors, poets, athletes... anyone looking to connect.

On a random note- I love the Red Sox, I couldn't say that enough. Love for the Red Sox is definitely in my blood- a ball was in my hands long before I could run the bases.. and we've all, always been Red Sox fans in my family- i've never known any other way, not that i looked for other options. :) I grew up with a bunch of New England sports know-it-all's too, so I appreciate Boston's history and truly enjoy what they've accomplished in the recent years. And now, the depth of the team after so many disappointing seasons is so endlessly exciting. I love watching every game and seeing the talent and dedication these players show. They end up feeling like family, and we all root them on in life and on the field. I'm as dedicated to them, as they are to the field- I think partly because I'm an athlete myself- and i've missed their presense in my life since college. I need to join a baseball/softball league or something and pronto. I feel a bit lost without sports, I've played them all my life.. I've got restless feet and hands. :)

I have endless appreciation for survivors, and loved ones and friends. New ones and old ones, pen pals and mentors. Its such a wonderful gift I'm given, each time I meet or talk to a survivor. Without knowing any/all/every particular person out there- we all have a certain bond that is unmistakable- and unbreakable. We've all survived the kind of trauma that most can't even fathom, and now we've lived to tell about it. It's so important that we do as well, because there are a lot of women and men out there who didn't live to tell about it- and we're honoring them with the stories we tell and ways we connect and support each other. I can't imagine the horrors that others have felt, and I know there have been plenty of women and men who have fared far worse than I did, and have. I feel fortunate that some of you have shared with me- and I carry your courage with me everyday. I hope I can share some of mine. Anyway, I hope you keep reading. Thanks for sharing!

Center of my Universe

How long will you hold up for me?
Just enough, I'm sure when its all said and done.
No matter what is placed on you
it seems you always pull through.
Even when it feels like you're breathing knives
you never stop, you never cease
you never stumble, you never freeze.

But when will you give up on me?
You never falter, weave or stumble.
You never stop, wheeze or stall.
When I want to give up, close up and hide
You are steadfast in this journey
unswerving in the face of troubled times
firm in purpose, strong in spirit.

You've lead me in the right direction
for so long, even before I knew how to listen.
You've defined me as a person
blessed my character, fueled my desires.
You've given me the life I have
the life I need, the life I strive for.
How long will you continue, without
the same in return?

When is enough, enough for you?
When I forget to hear you
neglect to feel you
decline your instinct?
Loyal and true,
dependable and strong
when does your patience run out?

I feel that you answer me
I feel what you want
I know what I need
but fear pierces my resolve
and I dread the truth.
Is this the last time?
Will you lessen your grip?
I'm wondering now
wondering when
the bottom will fall out
last moments will be spent...

Ugly...

I don't know how many of you out there are Red Sox fans.. but regardless, this weekend was ugly. The likelihood of being swept by the Devil Rays... oh er, I mean "Rays" as they are now called....(which is humorous in and of itself, but first things first) would be a laughable thought at best in the last several years. We've lost to them before- I mean its not impossible considering that they are a team of professional major league baseball players. The team has never been all that good or as much of a competitor in the league though, until now. But it just happened. It makes me cringe. I guess I'm not used to the fact that they are getting better, day by day. The people upstairs at Tampa Bay are finally starting to make some good decisions for the Ray's future. The players coming up from their farm system are looking better and better too. But the Red Sox got swept by the Rays to complete a five game losing streak. In a game where Beckett struck out 13 batters no less! (*career high) It's kinda like I just got kicked in the side. I know they will turn things around, the team has been shifting around a lot due to injuries/illness. I'm never one to use that as an excuse though, especially now considering that they are defending World Series Champions. Even without that, I'm a diehard Boston sports fan with the Red Sox leading in my book at least. I expect the best, and nothing else from them. So does the rest of the league at this point- by all senses of the word all eyes are on them- and how well they'll do in the year following the title. This year means a lot to me considering our 2005 season- and I expect the same winning tradition- leading us back to the World Series.

I was a little surprised that Theo made so few changes to the roster from last season. Our pitching staff is missing some pop, and besides Beckett and Matsuzaka (and Wakefield, but of course he's even a bit unpredictable), there's not a whole lot of "feel-good" feeling for me about our current pitching rotation. Buchholz is looking good, but this is his rookie season. It's hard to know what to expect from him in the year(s) ahead. Otherwise, why do we still have Schilling? I know there are plenty who feel otherwise on that subject.. but I just don't. We need another pitcher we can depend on as a second, third, fourth or fifth starter.

Anyways, to be continued.......

"Ramirez truly a Manny-splendored thing"

Consider this an answer- to all the haters, doubters, the labeling bandwagon, and every other person too ignorant to appreciate his brilliance....


"Nearing 500 homers, slugger remains one of game's true gems"

2007 Mustang Shelby GT 500

Um, I want!!!!!! LoL. This would be on my top 5 of dream cars. I didn't think anything could top the traditional shelby versions from the late 60's.. but this definitely does. Anyways, no matter how unlikely, or well impossible this is at the moment... a girl can dream can't she? :) No one's ever stopped me from doing it :)

Like the 2008 version better?

2008 Mustang Shelby GT 500