A Christmas Submission from Marta Sanchez

I met a friend of mine while speaking to a community near and dear to me about my experience being raped and my healing process... getting up and speaking certainly being a fundemental step for me. She was the keynote speaker, incredibly eloquent and a wonderful, gentle spirit. Very talented artist and writer, and I believe her experience is very important to hear. Her energy and strength is phenomenal and extremely inspirational. I wanted to share this, her gift, with you.

Panamanian artist Marta L. Sanchez dynamically addresses sexual violence through personal storytelling, visual art, and spoken word. To learn more visit: www.poetryandart.org

"The Day I Was Raped"

I’m usually a little reluctant to say it, but I dread Christmas. It’s approach fills me with anxiety, the nativity scenes make me uneasy, the department store music makes me want to run out of the door and/or break something, and the smell of pine trees is enough of a trigger to make me wary of the Christmas tree sale lots.

I have been trying to avoid Christmas for the last 15 years.

Ever since I was raped on Christmas Eve, on my way to church, in a town called Paraiso (meaning Paradise, or Heaven in Spanish.) Somewhere in the middle of it all, I decided that God doesn’t exist, and that if he does I don’t really care for his sense of humor.

My anger towards God did not have real staying power, but rape definitely had a drastic long-term effect on my spirituality. It changed the way I see life. It especially changed the way I look at Christmas.

With just a glance at the pictures taken the Christmas after I was raped, I can see the lie in my smile, and clearly recall what I was feeling: isolation, sadness, shock, depression, fatigue, and heartbreak. I was heartbroken to experience such a devastating way to have my trust betrayed.

And each year since, as I try to be upbeat, and go with the flow so as not to ruin the season for those around me, these feelings have flowed back, intensified and triggered by all the visual and auditory cues my body associated with that event.

Except, this year has been different… startlingly, refreshingly different. The lights actually look pretty. The Christmas trees smell familiar but are a safe distance away. The music makes me dance a little. Well some of it.

I am not sure what changed, but as we approach the anniversary of my rape, I am relieved to discover that rather than deepening anxiety, I am feeling deepening hope and gratitude.
I am grateful for Cleveland, and our growing Super Star. I am excited to be in a new town, and yet living smack in the center of a community of close friends and family. I am thrilled to be doing work that I am proud of, work that I love. And most of all, I am honored by the gentle souls in my life, the inspiration they bring just by being themselves.

So this year, rather than hiding out, or cringing through some holiday celebration I feel obligated to attend, I’m going to celebrate.

I plan to celebrate being alive, and resilient, and unafraid to trust the magical people in my life.
_________________________________________________________

I know I am not the only survivor (or person in general) that has a difficult time during the holidays. For many survivors, especially those who experienced violence near the holidays or within their homes/family, Christmas is a trigger.
If you feel yourself getting down or feeling isolated, consider reaching out to someone you trust. If you can’t think of anyone or would feel safer speaking to someone confidentially consider calling a crisis line:

The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network: 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeine: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Linea Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio en Español: 1-888-628-9454

If you are looking for ways to celebrate your rape anniversary (or some other tough day) here are some of my suggestions (feel free to share some of yours).
1. Take yourself out to dinner at your favorite restaurant. 2. Have a comedy marathon (watch all your favorite comedies back to back). 3. Chocolate! 4. Exercise (salsa dancing, biking, yoga, whatever works for you). 5. Listen to music you love. 6. Read a great book. 7. Journal. 8. Volunteer. 9. Write thank you notes to the people you love. 10. Have a silly Photo Booth session with someone you love.

To Be Grateful, Is To Be Free

If I've learned anything at all...
the minute you stop being grateful, is when you're giving up your freedom.
It's alright to be mad at the world sometimes.
Hell, it makes a whole lot of sense to ask, why? Why me?
No one deserves to be hurt, assaulted, or have to deal with loss.
But that's life. I'm not talking about religion, I'm not trying
to prove or disprove fate, or destiny or anything like that.

I'm not saying anything profound here, I also realize. I'm sure anyone who's reading this has heard the saying "life isn't fair" a thousand times in their lives. I have too, and it pisses me off. Admittedly.

BUT, I've learned from my loss. I'm human though, and I continue to make mistakes. One of them, most recently is thinking I have the right to take a break from being grateful. I've experienced a great loss in my life, as many other people do. It taxes my heart, my mind and my soul in a way that I don't always know how to deal with. But for some reason I got a little reality check today. I got it, in the way that many of these checks are delivered; through my loved ones.

Truth be told it is my choice to be grateful, or not to be. Truth also, is that I am a survivor. Truth also, I am a person who's seen a lot in just over a quarter of a century. I'm also a person with a lot to learn, and hopefully a long life with which to do so ahead of me. But sometimes things get cloudy for me. My life has not been simple lately, I don't always feel I have the resources that I need in order to live comfortably. But who does?? I wake up every morning and there's a lot that I don't have. BUT, there's even more... MUCH more that I do have. I'm surrounded by a wealth of good health, an education, friends, clothes on my back, a family and partner who loves me... and a good head on my shoulders. Amongst many other things. I look around and I see countless others who are less fortunate than me, countless others that have thousands of challenges that I have never known... but they still have to face everyday. They still have to wake up in the morning and decide to keep living. There are even more people that I don't see, but I remember them... and I even feel like I know some of them. In some spiritual way, there are those I'm connected to without even knowing it, because of shared experiences. Sometimes it's just surviving, sometimes its joyful, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it's enraging- just to live. But it is a gift. It truly is. Whether you are one to be thankful to god, or Buddha, or the earth, or just your mother and father or whoever you consider your maker... life is a gift.

I'm not just a survivor because of the trauma I have lived through. I'm a survivor because I have chosen to fight and work as hard as I have to- to be happy and live life in the way I know is right. I don't owe it to anyone, or even really to myself. Being happy isn't something that happens or doesn't happen to you- I believe being happy is a choice of action. One that doesn't always pay immediate dividends, but just as others have faith in whatever they believe in... I have faith in myself. I believe in the love I have for those around me, and in the love I work hard to maintain and grow for myself. I will survive because of the energy I decide to devote to being grateful for living, and the blessings that it carries. I decide not to be a victim of circumstance, or of the horrors I've seen. Horrible things happen to people every single moment, and while I do my best to protect myself and those I love... I can't prevent them all. I welcome the hardships with the joy, the defeat with the triumph. If I didn't have both I wouldn't be alive.

Never Leave Lonely Alone

Never leave lonely alone
Especially in those moments
a lifetime of love, slices clean like butter
and pieces of my heart slide down my chest
and burn into my stomach.

I had a habit of looking away
I used the distance as my excuse.
Now all I can do, to even think of you...
is turn inside of myself and realize you are gone.

I'm the last person in the world to stop looking
when there's even the smallest bit of light.
But I'm looking through the hourglass darkly
because the hurt is too much to fight.

...to be continued...

Disillusioned

Suppose it all turns out that the way of the world
is the only way we really know.
Yet we always seem to find ourselves on
deserted islands where we don't speak the native tongue.
We can't always be thinking of survival when this
here chance for enlightenment could be the only one.

With our noses pushed down on the grindstone,
how can we ever find the sun?
When we're always stuck on 'eliminate mistakes'
we seem to forget to learn.
The moon and stars that have guided us home
end up becoming our scars.

Happiest Days, Heaviest Sorrow

(8/31-9/2-3)

We listen too hard and speak too late
We wonder too long and squander what's on the plate.
Some of us laugh in the darkest hours
Even as dreams roll down their face
when you close your eyes, does the world disappear?

As I sit here waiting,
your face is all that I can see
as you are lowered into the cold ground
my body is overtaken by shivers.
I can feel you looking at me
smiles and laughter we shared just yesterday.
I can't believe, all I can do is watch
as you're swiftly taken away from me.

I still can't let you go
I still can't understand
why I'm still left here wondering
how I can live without you loving me.
I still can't comprehend why
I'm asking myself these questions
when the words just don't make sense.
'Round and round, thoughts keep spinning in my head
I feel like I'm reciting a storybook
but the words won't fit in my mouth
and the pictures are making me sick.
I try to spit them out but when I can't look at you
I am finding out that I just can't breathe.

I'm sitting alone inside of myself,
in the place you used to visit.
Like a child in a new city who's never left home;
there's no seat or perch, no park or place
that can make her feel like she's ever really safe.
Alone in this empty place that only I know.
Alone inside of myself, moving in the hidden ways
I've lost my will to see the living, breathing, aching
heart that is working it's will inside of me.

I can wake up every morning
with a smile on my face
but I can't look inside of myself
and pull out what is gone.
No matter what anyone says
I can't heal what I've lost.
I can only keep living.
I have two choices, to die
or to suffer in good faith
and keep living.
Death is when the end of me arrives,
so that leaves me only one;
to struggle my way through and
keep moving- even when I'm tired.
Keep moving when I'm hurting
and all I can do is cry.

I can swallow this pill, I can open my eyes
but I can't force my mind to move
all I can do is stand up and try.
Night after night, I dream of you
night after night, remembering you.
Day after day, I wake up and cry
day after day, I still get up and try.
Long after the obituary, and all the goodbye's
after all the feasts and family have gone;
I still walk with this aching
gaping hole inside of me.
I spend hours searching for what I can
fill it with, that will even echo
the spirit of what has gone.

Sometimes it seems my soul never sleeps
so how can I lay you to rest?
How can I ever truly say goodbye
when I can't seem to find enough
ground beneath my feet, enough will
inside, where my love for you
can start to confide in me.


(This meditation on greiving for lost loved ones and personal death/trauma, and the similarities/differences between both--tnx in part to the influence lyrics of B. Harper & J. Spooner have on me as well as conversations with those close to me)

Heal Yourself

Previously titled "Never Leave Lonely Alone"

"Unspoken rules of solitude wound without a trace, a lifetime of tears roll down your face. All that we can't say is all we need to hear. When you close your eyes does the world disappear? There's something in everyone, only they know- never leave lonely alone... It moves in the hidden ways of joy and sorrow, never leave lonely alone." - Ben Harper

There's so many words that I'm sure I could say- yet so many walls still get in my way. I've had so many times in the last two years that I've grown, healed and loved so much more than I could have before. I have a second chance at life it seems, and now I'm living like I want to- living in a way I believe in. I believe in myself and I believe in my ability to not only survive in this life- but to thrive.

I've had so many people in my life to support and encourage me, and stand by me when I really needed them. I've also had a lot of people disappear or walk out of my life. For those who have been there for me, whether you are still here or not; thank you. For all of your energy and thoughts you offered me, you are so very appreciated- and I will NEVER forget you, EVER. In these moments I am meditating on those who have loved and cared about me, and today I'm opening those stores of calming affection and support that they've so generously given me- to bolster my own. Today I'm walking with my stores of hurt, too. I'm walking with memories of a horrible, traumatic event in my life two years ago from today. Today I'm walking with what feels like a cinder block in my chest- but I know I just have to breathe because this is temporary. This day will be over soon and tomorrow I can look back and know I'm still okay. Today I'm walking with fear that still lives deep within my bones, even though I know there's nothing to be afraid of inside of me. Today I live with what sends shivers from my neck to the tips of my fingers- even though I know I'm strong enough to stand up through all of what may or may not come into my awareness. I know that this anxiety I feel, right now- will only live in my body for a short time. I just have to keep moving forward. I was reading a bit about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) recently and it was quite amazing how much it seemed like a road map of my last two years. Some of the things it summarized/mentioned happened early on but have since subsided. Many things still occur, and others have never happened to me and likely never will. Regardless, reading about it recently was a reminder--of it .. being okay that trauma still impacts me in several ways. It talks about the experience "...For a survivor to be told that what happened to them wasn't that bad, or...it was time that they were over it...reinforces the mistrust of everyone and (many) survivors (who) no longer can believe that the universe is fair or just." To me, I'm not sure I ever believed the universe was just- but I certainly know now more than ever that it isn't (naturally) so. I believe justice is something that we as humans create or neglect. Unfortunately, in the case of survivors- it just happens to be an area that is so sorely neglected it is as if most people in this country don't even know (or just don't want/choose not to know) I exist. Don't even hear any of the voices of countless survivors that are their wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, daughters, mothers, husbands, grandchildren etc. They don't want to know. Neither do I, to be honest, but it happened to me. I can't ever take that away, I can't ever forget. I look around and I see so many survivors around me who also are ignored, and treated like a bedsore. Today I'm also reminded of that, and that hurts too.
I spoke to a cherished person in my life yesterday about how to handle the two year anniversary of such a horrifying day. This is someone who's steadfast support has driven me to not just move past what happened, but to use it as motivation.

"...heal yourself with positive thinking, self-compassion, and self-care. We are all gifted with this ability. You now have an opportunity to demonstrate to yourself the presence of this ability..."

Today I don't wish for redemption for what occured, and I don't hope for revenge. I would never ask to be saved, and I don't want to pretend it never happened. It would be much too easy to just shut down and "dissociate" from these feelings as I did for so long, just to get by. I can't and refuse to do that anymore, but that certainly doesn't make it any easier to face my feelings at times like today. Just as with anything else, in any other aspect of my life- in the big picture I just want to live. I just want to be happy like everyone else, and some days that is harder than others. Today, I have a simpler focus. Just breathe. Just breathe....

"...Yes, breathe into the heaviness in your chest and sit with whatever comes to you from that place. You have survived the worst of it. Now it is time to recognize the survivor that you are..."

countless endless kisses

a thousand measures of warmth in your every move
countless endless kisses
make me hope that I'll be in your arms again soon
countless endless kisses
bring your lips upon mine, I just shine in your eyes
countless endless kisses
bring me peace to every bone, curve and line
countless endless kisses
amidst the toxic chaos, I breathe clean air
countless endless kisses
with every question you have an answer
countless endless kisses
despite my past you bleed redemption
countless endless kisses
when I need hope you offer your fervor
countless endless kisses
when there's ice in my heart you spark my fire
countless endless kisses
even when I don't know enough to need, you give
countless endless kisses
and I cherish each and every single one of your
countless endless kisses...

"I just feel outdone and undone by you all at the same time...it leaves me speechless..."

It just aches...

Just as these thoughts cross my mind- of what will come seven days from now.... my heart aches. Hours upon hours, day after day, month after month, year after a year.. I've built a little higher. I've glued countless pieces of myself back together to the point that I'm finally starting to see myself as "whole" again. I've found new bits of joy in places that were previously dark. I've uncovered soft painful places in the parts of me I thought were "safe," and brought them to the light where I can ease the hurt. I've brought a kind of healing in my life that makes me realize, I am my life force. I am my healing, I am my love, and I am my pain. I am everything I make, everything I do, everything I say-- and everything I dream .. for me to be.. I am. But I still remember what it felt like when I felt my heart break, over and over and over.. so deeply I decided I would never get it back. After two years I wonder when will the distance be long enough... when will this just be a shadow I've left far behind me?

When can I speak of all things, grasp all memories and harness my emotions without feeling the sting- the throbbing of my scarred heart? There's no scar tissue that shows up on a wounded psyche, no laceration or broken bone to bind on a shattered spirit. Nothing (almost) to connect to how I feel inside, for me or for anyone around me. What else can I do? I don't want to look around inside of myself and always find walls between me and certain parts of my inner world. I don't want to always see walls between me and the rest of the outside world, including those closest to me. I don't want to continue living double lives- always having to switch between living in my daydreams, fantasies or my intellectual (or even physical at times) distractions; to my world that connects me with the people/things/responsibilities in my life. Living this double life leaves me feeling that I can never truly, genuinely be my entire self in either world.

I know I have to give myself credit for all the work I've done to better my situation, by striving to heal and grow as a person. I have to appreciate myself for my commitment to working through some of the issues of my past, related to what happened two years ago and other unrelated events in my life prior to that. I have to respect myself for my initiative; with goals in mind of freeing myself from blocks, tension, trauma and repressed emotions that have hindered my well-being for far too long. I have to forgive myself for my indiscretions, my struggle, faults, mistakes, my fear and neglect- and realize how difficult it is, and how strong I've had to be (and am) to decide that I want better. I want a better life for myself, and I deserve a better life than I've had thus far- with more love, compassion, patience and support than I've given myself before. I can't say it's always easy to remember to be gentle, to take a deep breath and realize that nothing is the end of the world. Right or wrong, success or failure I'll always reach the heights that I set out to. I'm grateful I've had some genuinely caring and supportive people in my life to remind me of a lot of these things when I forget.

I want to learn to give my heart, my spirit and all of my inner world- the kind of companionship that I could never find in another person. I want to know where the road travels in the journey of learning to love myself... more each day- and holding on to that when things get tough.

Two Years and a Lifetime

The 2nd anniversary of one of the most violent, heartbreaking events in my entire life is approaching. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it. It's hard to believe that two whole years have gone by, but it's equally as difficult to fully appreciate all the progress I've made and how far I've come. Some days I am full of pride- other days I can only acknowledge how long the road is ahead- and how far I need to go. I've learned a lot of lessons along the way- I've learned that things I've done in my life seem to perpetuate the trauma I've experienced. I've learned that living with PTSD is like living with a metastasizing tumor at times...I never know when it might pop back up, never know when my skeletons might jump out of the closet and make an appearance. I never really know if it is gone, never really know if it will return. If I don't take care of myself, it just eats me up inside. If I think about it too much and interfere with my body's natural process- it only exacerbates the problem. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way, I've created incredible triumphs in my life as well. I've grown, I've hurt, I've had joy- and I've suffered. I've loved, and I've hated.. I've sung, and I've screamed. I often ask myself, what now? What do I do with the emotions that still live inside me? What do I do to deal with the fear of approaching .. unfamiliar territory?

Last year on the one year anniversary, I had some very .. tangible flashbacks. I experienced memories in which I could literally feel, touch, smell and see what happened to me. I remembered parts of the night that I had previously blacked out- parts of the night that pieced together the sequence of events of when I was raped the night of August 25, 2007. I remembered some of the things he said, remembered how it felt when he forced himself on me. The smile on his face, the taunting words, the disgust I felt. The shame was potent, and I could literally feel it just as I had a year before that day. It stirred me up inside so violently that it is almost as if I experienced it all over again. I lived in fear all over again, and felt traumatized by the fact that .. this rape .. was over but yet it felt as if it never really stopped happening. It made me doubt that my protections, my security was enough.. I wondered if my strength was enough to keep me going. I wondered if the fear would ever go away, or if I would never be able to let go. Or maybe it wasn't about me letting go at all, maybe I could never change the grip these events had on me. Maybe I just had to wait until it let go of me?

Five months ago I returned to the campus of the university I attended, returned to the community that welcomed and cultivated such a huge part of my life and who I am as a person. I gave so much of myself while there, and I was a trained advocate and helped many survivors with their healing process.. and recovering right after being raped or assaulted. I was the first person that many of them spoke to, after living a nightmare. After being attacked, after being violated. I returned to that place that created a hope inside of me, created a lifetime of devotion to helping survivors. I returned to a place with a new devotion- to help myself. I took a huge step in healing that day, in a way I didn't fully comprehend until after it was over. I shared my story for the first time, in a room of over 100 people. It was the first time I shared my experiences with more than two people at a time. I stood up in front of all those people, with my sister at my side, and I talked about what happened to me. I surprised myself at how strong I was, the courage it took to walk up onto that platform and speak of my horror. I had patience and compassion for myself when I had to stop a few times because I choked up with tears and when I lost my breath. I had the new found comfort with silence with me in those moments, and shared as much in those moments as I did in all of the ones I spent talking. A few women came up and hugged me after I spoke- even though they were complete strangers. They thanked ME, and I was so incredibly moved and humbled by that experience. I helped them, and I never knew I could in the way that I did. It felt .. so wonderful. I knew I made a difference, and I knew I was moving forward. I loved, appreciated and respected myself a little bit more that day.. I grew as a person that day. I blossomed, and I was rejuvenated in a beautiful way.

I just want to bring a little more hope with me this year, a little more love, a little more compassion and faith with me as this anniversary approaches. I can't predict how it will feel, I can't predict what will happen. I can only stay in my corner and take each moment as it comes. I don't live in fear anymore- and I am working to have faith in myself-- knowing that I don't have to fear it anymore. I just wanted to share... thanks as always for reading. Please feel free as always to share your stories, artwork, poetry or anything you wish to submit. I'm happy to hear from you!

Life is a Choice You Make

A prayer in resolution, resolve for a change.
Love and life is a choice you make
You can fly or you can break
I can give of myself, or I can take.

Life is a choice that I make
in living for each road that I take
and serving every dream that I plate.
I have to remember to breathe the love in me.

It's my time to keep moving forward
each day seems brighter, each night calmer
each breeze sweeter, each cloud softer.
I face this mad world with my deepest passion.

________________
(blessing of inspiration from India Arie)

Blood is Boiling

Please use discretion when reading this piece with your personal boundaries/limitations in mind. This happens to be the author's path of expressing repressed anger and IS NOT A DISPLAY OF THIS BLOG'S literal OPINIONS OR BELIEFS. Simply an artistic meditation on repressed anger and thoughts. THANKS*********************

Blood is Boiling
7/17, 22, 30, 31

Tell me lies tell me sweet little lies.
Tell me that the devil won’t collect it,
if I have to leave my soul behind.
Because sometimes I wish I could let it go
instead of always shoving it inside.

I am always the collector, I just
pick up feelings, and drag them along so
I’ll always have something to feed upon.

Well, things tend to accumulate
In this net that I’ve sewn
Stifling my determination
I’m just trying not to choke
On all your hurt that’s left unspoken.

You came in and knocked down all of my walls
then stepped in between and devoured my heart.
You trounced in and slaughtered without refrain.
Now my blood drenches your teeth and my soul burns in your eyes,
as you chew on my resolve and you tear off my pride.

I am always the collector, I just
pick up feelings, and drag them along so
I’ll always have something to feed upon.

I want to pull out your hair, and rip off your hide
and poison your lungs, as you breathe in your lies.
I’ll air out your pathetic words, and scorch your desire
I will siphon your spirit, and chew on your bones
I will crush your ambition, and destroy your insides.

I will beat you down, and slice you apart
and force you to watch as I carve out your heart.
I will brand your virulence deep onto your breast
then scream in defiance of reason and rest.
No longer will I own the stench of your filth.

I am always the collector, I just
pick up feelings, and drag them along so
I’ll always have something to feed upon.

Love is not enough to bear this inferno everyday
and endure the trampling of rage again and again.
Love is not enough to put my pieces back together
when it’s eating me inside and slowly wasting me away.
Why are parts of me condemned when I’m still dragging all your pain?

(greatful nod to NIN and Fleetwood Mac)

Hanging in the Balance

(6/18-29,7/14) revision in progress

Caught up
I check my past at the door.
We’ve been walking in this borrowed space
but will you let me go, if I walk away?
Or will you haunt my heart for always?
It’s so hard to breathe when
you keep standin' 'round my dreams.
I’ve been losing sleep for weeks, still
I keep running past my means.
I guess I got caught up in you.

Your heart won't let me leave you
but I gotta break these chains.
I feel a caustic fever burning deep within my chest,
incendiary pressure brews an ache I can’t digest.
My back is throbbing and my heart is racing
to shut me in....but I don't wanna win.

My soul is on fire and I can't take this pain away.
It's got me runnin, got me runnin
far past my means I just can't come clean.
When will I be ready to get past this scene?


('props to Anthony Hamilton, India Arie) to be continued...

Time Capsule

(5/09,7/09)
I'm thanking every star in the universe
for whatever brought me to you
I'll be forever humbled by your presence
knowing you've tamed my heart and shared yours too.

I may never realize what brought me to today
or ever understand what caused you to fray.
But I'll be forever humbled by your presence
knowing you changed my life, and I moved yours too

It seems that life's movement has lead me to this
but I find myself dreaming of all that I've missed.
I've watched my life streaming on each brush stroke
but my future will leave me if I can't learn to own.

I know that my heart can continue to thrive
through all of the darkness, and all of the tears.
For now I've put some love on layaway
to surrender to spirit and persevere for all time.



(wrote this a while back, recovered and decided to work on it again...)

By Way of the River

(6/18,6/29-30)

Like a river flowing through the forest and the fields,
your love made me change my plans.
As the river helped me find direction,
I always found you walking the same paths.
If I never fell in line with you,
would you still flow the same?
I don't wanna see your reflection, in all the truth that comes my way.
I thought I could just stow my love away, but I find it
staring me down at night, watching me as I sleep.
It's getting hard to stay afloat, with all these worries
weighing down on me.

The steady current always carries me along, but I
still can't remember what it feels like to be strong.
I'll weather your rapids, and push forward through the storms
but I worry that I'll capsize, sending my heart overboard.
Should I catch it, or watch it flow away?
Though I may want to, I can't ask you to stay.
I can't decide what I keep, or when it flows down stream-
but I'll never stop dreaming, somehow- it will find its way back to me.


(Anthony Hamilton deserves to be admired....) NOTE: WRITERS! As I have before, sometimes I put these up unfinished to motivate myself to finish them.. LoL but if you have any suggestions don't feel afraid to speak up! I'm open to it. :)

Rounding the Prey

Free association/write/meditation.
Sometimes when things outside of yourself disturb you it leaves you feeling discouraged and helpless. In those moments, often it's enough just to vocalize it.. and that alone will take some of the power out of it.. helps for us to get things off our chest sometimes...(written 6/18)

These tears will build a trail to get me back home but I know that when I get there I'll still be alone. The world seems so bright but it still burns when I stand, I know that come nighttime I'll be haunted by my dreams. there's a sense of trepidation when I look around me, and I don't see or hear from anyone for miles.

I know that tomorrow I'll be alright, and I know that the next day I will still be just fine. But today seems like an eternity from everywhere else, like no other time exits until I move through. What if there is a time when the wall is too tall and I can't see over it, and I can't break through? What if tomorrow I don't make it to the other side but I'm stuck in yesterday failing to move. What if I get frozen and I just can't break free and I'm left behind for tomorrow and all the days to come?

It's hard for me to let it all go, sometimes I can take it but sometimes I just want to keel over and quit. Sometimes I just can't seem to push myself through when I know that my demons surround me like a shark circling and observing its prey before the attack. I Just want to be happy. Is that so hard? Will I always resort to hovering in order to not fall apart? When is tomorrow when today just won't seem to start?

"There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
And my self I have grown too weary to hate

The more I stay in here
The more it's not so clear
The more I stay in here
The more I disappear
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur..."-NIN "The Line Begins to Blur"

Circling

(Original July '08, revisited/revised 5/18/09)

I’m alright, I’m alright.. it only hurts when I breathe.
Home is a feeling I buried in you…
Now I dig and I crawl, scratch and I fall
just to regain my ability to be, to see, to feel.
My heart wanted me to stall, turn around and call
To return to even beats, to where I felt safe
But I left all that was familiar, when I walked away from you.

Today my chest still tightens, my mind still gets
Caught up, mixed up, confused and derailed
the times that I miss you are desperate and real.
I may have no pillow to rest my head
I have memories instead, my faith in you is dead.
I'm left with your shadows that linger in my dreams,
But I closed my book on loathing, when I walked away from you.

My home is where I make it, I've found the strength to see.
Still at times I doubt myself, but my heart is now at peace.
Although my outlook can be foggy and my energy may be coarse,
my spirit won't forsake me now, I find pure joy in living for me.
At times my scars distract me and my courage can run weak,
But I have the will to face my fears because my faith is in me.
Through the pain I found myself, when I walked away from you.

(in progress)

It's the Woman in You

that arouses me so
it's the spirit inside
that creates what I know
to be at the very center
of what is so beautiful about
the person that you are.

Although the cuts divide you
deep within your heart from
your body and mind; and
I may face these battles with
fear in my eyes, but still I remain...
there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

If that means standing aside and
letting you struggle through as you may
I will give you the freedom to fight as
you must to be able to regain
the power of an army; the strength
of the woman in you.

I promise to listen closely
to what you need and what you don't. But
each time we work through the stress
I gotta say; all I can see is the way
you handle yourself so patient and free
you stir up the carnal nature in me!

It's the virgo in my heart; I set my goals high.
I may have unrealistic expectations, but
I'd stop at nothing to give you perfection.
I'll slow down the world for you- if it
will bring you some peace, and I'll stand
in the way for you, whenever you need.

Reach In, Reach Out, Keep Talking

Hi Everyone,
I want to thank those of you who have been following this blog for the past year and encouraging this free formed expression I've been creating. It is my hope, and my intention now to turn my attention to contacting other survivors. I would love to help create a safe environment for other survivors to express themselves through art, writing, or any other medium or form that suits them. We all have so much to say, so many emotions that tend to weigh us down- and that's what I'm here for. We all as survivors know how to support each other in ways that no one else could ever do. It starts with each of us. So I hope you'll consider making a submission, and you can rest assured that it will remain anonymous unless you request to be identified. Thank you very much.

While I "have the floor" I'd also like to bring your attention to a most talented friend I made recently while speaking about my experience as a survivor. Marta Sanchez is an accomplished speaker, artist and writer and her work just completely moves me. She is so spiritually alive- so real- and her art work just gives off such a strong essense of who she is and what her experiences have been like. She's willing to share with the world and isn't afraid to dig deeper- and bring things both scary and beautiful to all of our worlds. Marta Sanchez: Artist, Survivor, Scholar, Speaker, Activist, Writer
Also as of late I created a facebook page that carries the feed of all these posts directly on Facebook so you can stay updated that way! Please see the link on the right side of the page. If you have any questions, feel free to email me with the contact info in my profile.

Be well,
Phoenix

I Want

I want a love that will last forever
I want the world that I have yet to discover
I want the joy that I've been working to find
I want to brave the oceans with my heart as my guide
I want to feel it pull me under, love, be the guidance I need.

I want your eyes to wander along the lines of my mind
I want you to know that in me you can always confide
I want my body to be the serenity that you need
I want to be the heaven that you dance with in your dreams
I want you to know...that I'm not going anywhere

I want to speak without pause, and laugh without tears
I want to think without noise, and live without fear
I want to listen without distraction, and share without a fight
I want to imagine beyond limitations, and desire without reprieve
I want to feel without caution, and need without a scene.

I want my heart to break out of it's cage
I want to feel passion, and even feel rage
I want to write my way through the blocks
I want to reach out, and find solace in the risk
I want to love who I am, and let go of the rest.

[Please excuse the state of this poem while it is in Progress/construction. Thank you for your understanding.] :)

The Light Don't Sleep

3/11/09

"We were born with our eyes wide open, so alive with wild hope. Now can you tell me why time after time they drag you down, down in the darkest deep. Fool's in their madness all around, know that the light don't sleep." -Bonnie Raitt "Silver Lining"

I feel the empty place beside me
where you used to stand
a thick fog that's following me
as I walk with my heart in my hands.

I can traverse deep into the darkest forests
and work my way through the thorned paths
never looking back or wondering where i am.
If only I could use the same fearlessness
to bring the life out of the shadows and
the sun to the darkest parts of the forest
where the calls fall on deaf ears
in a distant imagination of, a hint of a
feeling.

Unraveling

One underlying theme here is how my imagination/fantasy, reality and fears can often be closely tied together. Inspired by Bjork

When I see you walk away
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
Even though you haven't left
my stern mind won't rest in turn
when everything around me, is held up
by my yearning.

When I see you walk to me
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
When everything I've held inside
won't hide behind the walls I've learned.
When nothing inside me, is held in
by my discerning.

When I feel this disappear
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
I don't want a thing to change
but I fear that I'll lose everything.
Then my tender heart is scathed
by my suffering.

When I feel this growing
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
I'm like putty in your hands
and I want nothing but to feel.
Where nothing inside me, is dampened
by my reeling.

Then I see you vanish and
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
I know I saw something in your eyes
but now this dream is lost in time.
Now I'm left here open and denied
by this heart of mine.

Add Curt Schilling to the list of great ballplayers who don’t know when to quit

THANK GOD this needed to be said. Finally my continued sentiment of Schilling's dispicable tendencies of shooting off his mouth at every single thing that occurs in today's society- both in and outside of baseball. WHO CARES MAN???? Good to know that more people besides me are fed up with his love for the sound of his own voice. He's thrown countless people under the bus, only to recant and desperately try to blame others "misunderstanding" him in the media. I can't stand people who think everyone needs to hear their every opinion on everything. Who made you the grand resource of wisdom? I'm sad for this world if that were ever to be the case.

Have some dignity man.

You, you, you, you and who else? Just you.

Yet another piece/freewrite I forgot about! I've never been the best at dealing with anger, but sometimes bringing every piece of your anger out and just expressing it without hesitation is JUST as good as confronting the person/cause of the anger. Sometimes it just makes it worse to face that person/cause. This, was my attempt to release all of it. Written on August 18-19th of 2008.

Why is it always about you being hurt? You betrayed me, you lied, you ignored me, you forgot to try. I never listened to those who warned, who wondered about your sicknesses- and hated when I cried. I looked to you with pride, with protection, so pure. You looked back with contention, with anger, with piercing words so cruel. Even when you looked away, even when you shunned- even when you lashed out, even when you shut me out. By your side I remained, I promised I’d wait forever. Even when my world fell apart, I still thought of you. Even when my heart was shattered, I still had room for you. Even when you lost your desire, I still had some to spare. Even when you spurred my wishes, my patience remained firm. Even when I told you I was unhappy, all you could think about was you. When I reached to hold you when your world went dark, you shoved me away and turned to another. You lied, you lied- again and again. You repeated and shunned my awareness, and you lied again. I knew in my heart, but neglected to listen. You knew in yours too- but oh the lies did they glisten? Your eyes and your heart were taken from me, but not by another the culprit is you. You look to me now with fear, but my sources have run out. No thief to blame, no words of shame, and this pain is yours- and yours alone. I would pick you up when you were feeling down; look into those dark eyes with the courage to smile. I would lift you up when your spirits went dim, and then I’d have to fight and scramble for a hole to climb in. You hurt and you cried, the world shook your will to survive- but the one that stood by you all along- you pushed to the side. No worries of the pain you caused, no time left for me- your love stalled so long ago- leaving NOTHING for me. You scream and you cry, reach out to my side- you lash out like a spurned lover- abandoned, abused. It was YOU that left not just three weeks ago, but more than a year. It was YOU that left me, ignored me, hung up on me, and walked away. It was YOU that turned cold, when I needed you the most. It was YOU that despised, that criticized and cursed. It was YOU that turned away it was YOU with the knife. It was YOU that took the easy way out; it was YOU that decided your love had run out. It was YOU that decided to keep your feelings inside; it was YOU that left me alone in the night. You step back and realize how much you have lost, but fail to remember the time that you tossed. You cry like a victim, your world is too harsh- but this is the blanket you’ve chosen to cover your eyes. You pull away and deny, but the damage is done- with blood on your hands, you STILL blame the gun. No matter the damage, no matter how hard I cry- you fail to even feel it, while you stumble and whine. You know what you’ve done and feebly attempt to apologize, then turn and blame me for calling out your lies. I trusted my life with you and you could just walk in and slice til you cut me apart, then you turn back just to finish my heart. This time I won’t worry, my attention is with me. I’m shaken, I’m hurt, I’m scared and unsure. You won’t let me forget, although you already left- given chances to be true you took them all down with you, but no longer can you pull me down too. The one thing I take with me isn’t my faith or my pride; you gave me no choice but to leave those behind. You can have them go ahead, take them inside. I leave them with all the mistakes that I’ve made, because I’m no saint and I ACKNOWLEDGED this time after time. But when the day is through and I go to sleep in the night- I know I gave all I had with love as my guide. I praised you, told you, remembered and tried, to bless you with kisses and cards; reminders that I always would give you my heart. Not just when I had enough, everyday by your side- even when I was unhappy and my patience was fried. You made your decision and that is enough, and I know that I will be happy- I know now this is right.

Now is the time, to bring it all home. At once I felt nothing, I saw only what I’ve lost. But I feel that I’m winning, this battle of spirit I’ve had with myself. Divided by pain and held back by my heart. Your fitful betrayal caused our friendship to be frayed, I know I can’t save it and I don’t want things that way. Now is my time to begin at the start, not worry about tomorrow when we are apart. I’ve decided to stand up on my own two feet, and move through the black times to discover the light. Whether you are with me; a friend, or we stay apart- never again will I abandon my heart. This world left me reeling and split open my soul, flushed my spirit & life down an endless black hole. Through death in hell I succumbed to the fire- yet I am reborn and ascending much higher. I wish you the best, to continue this fight- to discover your peace and the strength through defeat. No matter the wound you’ve sliced in to my heart, no piercing words will deceive me to bow to the heat. One day I trust that you could find your heart & know you don’t have to lose it to know that you had it good.

Nine Ghosts of Lennox

This is piece of writing I just found that I put away. This one is from September 22nd, 2008. Definitely coming from a lot of frustration in dealing with social anxiety and other remnant symptoms from my continuing battle with PTSD. inspired/influenced by Annie Lennox and Nine Inch Nails

I’m losing ground, well you know
how this world can beat you down.
The mountain almost swallowed me whole,
yet I still did come around.
But I see too much, I feel too much, I bleed too much
I’m caught up by the Ghosts in my Machine

There is no medicine
For what’s eroding me
There is no way inside
To find what’s consuming me
What is breaking down the center
The very core of me.

Pure love can bind me
Other bright ones can lift me
And inspire me
But there is no one in this world
That can pull out this pain
That just keeps breaking me apart.

There is no set of directions
No self help book on tape
No worries that can change me
But I just keep on hanging here
As sparking, shiny bait
For all to come and take me
Come and break my heart away

Where’s the zipper or the seam
That puts a seal around my chest
Where’s the cord, a door to close
A way to get some rest?

Testing the Waters

"It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I can't mention...
...I'm not afraid things won't get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer...
...But life gives little relief
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clench my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that I'm not blind." -Good Intentions, Glen Phillips

"I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music
And it breaks my heart..."

When things get tough I don't close my eyes anymore. I remain firm on my path in life and remind myself that there is no reason to panic. Not only have I learned that I have what it takes to keep moving- but I've realized that things tend to work themselves out in the end. I know I will suffer at times, I know I will have doubts- and that is natural. What keeps me going is that I know in the end I will come around, and I will work through whatever challenges I face. Nothing supports faith and builds hope better than a calm and positive outlook and attitude, and an energetic and healthy appetite for happiness.

One of the the things that baffles me the most though, is how you two stay in my mind. Not so much why, because you both played such monumental roles in my life for so long- and we share so many cherished memories. Unfortunately, those memories are now tarnished by an incredibly traumatic end to our relationships....but you haven't left my mind since. As painful and infuriating as that has been to miss you both- all the days and nights I cried, screamed and reeled with the pain you both caused. Nothing can break my heart so extensively ... as those who I have loved the most- and those who loved me the most. I never thought I'd have to see a day without either of you- I still am confused at times as to the reality of this situation. Why did this have to happen? Why did this have to be a part of the journey for me? Why did this have to be the lesson I had to learn, and why with you? Especially one of you- the one I spent years upon years getting to know- years as each other's main confidante. Years upon years, approaching a decade loving each other and being the closest friends that there ever could be. I can't fill in the gaping hole you abandoned in my heart. There's nothing I can do to release that pain- or even to relieve it. It comes and goes in and out of my consciousness- but in one way or another I can never forget that spot you used to reside in my heart, that remains empty and cold. In my mind I can hold it in my hands, roll it around and observe for hours... and never understand why you aren't in it.. even though I know full well, intellectually anyway. Does this make me crazy? All I know is I never loved anyone fully- never with my entire being.. in the way that I loved (and still do love) you. Never did I have 'one foot on the ground' with you, I would have given you the shirt off my back, I would have taken a bullet for you, I would have done anything in this entire world for you.

"...And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love..
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall..
..my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better.."-Fidelity, Regina Spektor

I'm not so sure this particular thing will get better. I only hope the moments of pain will become further in between. That maybe some day I can find some resolution.. some closure. I have some regrets about the way I handled things, but I've had to move on and try to let go of those. Things are in the past and I have to move on. But I can't help but wonder- how is it that I have to move on without you? I don't regret having met you. I don't regret having loved you, I don't regret all the days we spent laughing and loving.. all the memories we've shared. I haven't forgotten all of the things you did to help me, all the things you did to keep me going when I lost my faith and when I was hurt. I will never forget all the things you said- in all of the moments I didn't realize how much I needed you- and even when I didn't need you. You were always there for me. Your love was amazing-- and I grew so much and learned so much from you and our friendship and companionship. I also can't forget how you turned your back on me and so easily betrayed me- after everything we've been through. I can't forget how you walked away and I haven't heard from you since, other than a one-lined email. I wonder if you think of me, I wonder what you hoped would come of this situation. I wonder how you handle all of this, and even if it IS infuriating- I wonder how you are doing......

"I'm caught up in the middle
But I'll take it to the end
It's comin back together
And it's breakin' down again
If I could find a reason
I'd say you were my friend
If I could find a reason
I'd say it once again...
..Bright lights
Come and go
Playin' blues songs on my radio
Shadows still appear
In the house tonight
Ghosts that come in from the past
All those ghosts that keep on comin' back
Slidin' through the walls
And my windows..." Through the Glass Darkly, Annie Lennox

Sometimes you find the answer for closure- in the one place you didn't look. Or, the moment you stop looking altogether. You found me expendible, I thought I could/would never find a better friend than you. I've learned gradually however- there has to be. I guess it had to be taken from me, I had to be betrayed- to know that cruelty and shameful behavior- there has to be better. I deserve better.

It Only Hurts When I Breathe...

"...and I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you.." -Melissa Ethridge

The pain reminds me I'm alive.. the pain grounds me in this journey I'm on. The pain reminds me just how genuine I really am. The pain shows me how to remember where I've come from- focus on where I'm at, and look forward to the future. The pain sometimes scares me with images of trauma, and tortures me with pangs of heartache. Sometimes it kicks me on my ass and shows me I'm insignificant in the grand scheme of things. In this world I am only one of many people struggling with their own personal challenges. In this world it isn't about showing you or anyone up with my strength, but rather being big enough to fight to be happy. There's no need to look around to who to give those positive feelings to, if I am truly happy I know others will be impacted by my energy without my having to force it.

There were so many of my yesterdays that I spent my faith on you. So many days where I invested all of my energy in your happiness. There were days where I grounded my feelings of home.... in you. I buried myself alive in kinship of the heart. I laid myself on the block to die, and gave my life to you- in my desperate longing for security, stability and sense of protection. I desperately grasped for you in a time where I felt I couldn't block out the evils of the world, like they could overcome me at anytime. I saw the world through your eyes and soul because I couldn't find or even feel my own. If home is a feeling and not a place, I thought I could only feel that vicariously through you. I thought that I'd never feel that in me again, unless I was with you. It wasn't until I emerged from the aftermath of betrayal, until my heart was broken that I truly felt my feet touch the ground. Home was so close that I could smell it.. and soon after the feeling and sounds of home followed. Home was inside of me, and I felt that more than I ever had before. I had arrived.

I spent a long time away... I left this feeling behind a long time ago and forgot it was even there. When I rediscovered it I had a hard time harnessing it. Everyday presents itself with more change and personal challenges. There is no way to feel more like myself than to feel at home inside my own walls though. I feel that and I look back on the past as a major turning point- another bend in the river. I have to appreciate the role that you and other people have played in my life, negative or positive because it has contributed to the process of me becoming more and more myself everyday. I take it with the good and the bad. I'd only want the same for others surviving with nothing but sheer will and any small glimpse of hope. For those who are suffering with pain that they cannot relieve, and fear that is suffocating. I feel for you...not out of sympathy, but because I've been there. The struggle isn't over either, but I feel fortunate to be where I am today. So speak up and out.. I'm listening. Home is in you, and even if a storm has blown it to bits, it will rebuild itself and you won't ever lose that. Even if you can't feel it or see it, it just takes a lot of patience and a little bit of faith to get through those times when it feels like all is lost.... you aren't lost. A home can be broken, blown down, robbed; a home can perish. But if you stay with it, stay with your self even when your soul is broken or 'lost,' a home can be rebuilt. A life lost cannot.. hang in there, and stay with you. Until you feel stable enough to rebuild your house- reach out. I'm not the only one looking to support you- but I am one person who is always willing to listen.

Hall of Famer on and off the field

Congratulations Jim Rice, your entrance into the hall has been a long time coming. You have always been a legend on and off the field and I can speak for all of Red Sox Nation when I extend my most heartfelt admiration of your accomplishments. Just a little story to share with all of you that I didn't know about Jim- just another reason why he has been so firmly entrenched in Red Sox fans' fondest memories.

"Rice remembered for big save that came off the Red Sox field"

I Came Across these Memories...

and when I looked closer at some of the writing I found- I realized some of the things I was struggling with a year ago- I still see in my life today. Yet other things have progressed more than I ever thought they could. Either way, its refreshing in a strange way (but also a bit disturbing) to see where I was at the time. I remember all too clearly what it felt like, as if it were only yesterday. The beginning of my struggle with PTSD is still very evident to me, and I'm still suffering with it today. I work through it and I've seen and continue to see much happier days- and I know that someday this will be a much more distant memory. Just helps every now and then to look back at where I've been- and then see where I am now. I am used to being driven, I am used to working through things. I'm not used to having any feeling of reinforcement for it though- I don't expect or ask for it. But in this case it means a lot to me. I thought this might be useful too- for other survivors looking to relate to others' experiences... knowing that amongst many other things- we share a lot of common struggles.

***1/9/08***
I feel like I'm bleeding.. always bleeding without knowing the source or why. I'm always hurting, the trick is being able to ignore it or not. I always feel anxiety, whether or not it shows. The only difference for me is whether I'm able to work through it or whether it overcomes me with fear, tears and anger. I'm very angry and irritable a lot of the time, not knowing when the suffering will end. Feeling incompetent at every turn, without the ability to communicate effectively with others and having fear about engaging in any type of social activity. I don't like to go too far from home anymore- and when I have to all I can think about is going back. If I'm able to fall asleep at night, I wake up a thousand times abruptly and have frequent (and often traumatizing) nightmares. No matter how much sleep I get I always have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I rarely to never feel rested. I feel needy all the time, craving physical contact constantly and I no longer feel safe being alone. Yet I don't like talking to people either, and even with my loved ones I find I can't engage in conversations for too long and I tend to look for ways to escape. Whenever a conversation enters a topic or idea that I'm uncomfortable with, my flight response kicks in immediately and I (quite literally) cannot continue.

Labyrinth
Walking through the path becomes quicksand
as the corners all look the same
and there is no hope around the bend.
With each moment a growing sense of panic sets in
and all I can think about is getting out
but with every step I only go back in.

Wounded
Veteran of a war that never was
carrying a corpse that's still alive.
Bleeding without any signs of injury
flashes of terror battling long after the war
has ended.

Heartbroken
Without reason, without a lost lover.
Grieving without loss of life
searching for the way to heal.
Sleepless nights wishing
this all would end.
__________________________________________

***1/10-1/11/08*** "All I Ask"
I'm not looking for you to save me,
not hoping that you'll make it all go away.
I'm not expecting you to look after me forever,
or sympathize with my "frame of mind."

I'm not saying you should understand,
nor do I want you to comprehend.
I have no desire for you to "take my pain away,"
or attempt to help carry the load.

I'm not asking you to motivate me,
not wishing you would "show me the way."
Without reason for pushing me to make it better,
I know I'll make it, just not today.

I'm not searching for one who will wait forever,
not believing you could "make me see."
I know inside that there are no answers,
just countless doubts and obstacles in front of me.

I'm not waiting for you to speak for me,
or to break down barriers on my behalf.
There's nothing I can say or do,
to make this nightmare disappear.

I know you can sense the grieving,
you hurt and I know that's real.
But I'm glad somehow, that you'll never grasp
how tangible my heartache is.

It's impossible to process what has occurred,
and the havoc its wreaked in my body and soul.
To realize that I'll never return to the way I was before,
I just hope to heal, to love, and to feel.

I'm not inspired to have an epiphany,
for I know in my heart it just won't come.
For once I can't rely on intellect or will,
I have to live this suffering and eventually work through.