Surrendering

When the days turn to weeks
and seasons to years,
the battle scars and wounds
have been counted and felt.
Beyond all reason
or any hope just to grasp,
I struggle to keep going
I’m not as strong as you’d
Think.

When my desire to connect
outweighs my ability to reach out
I find that I err to the side of
Caution
and waive my solitude on
my swelling pale flag.
When my motions turn away
my doubts build a wall.
It turns out I cover up better than most.

Why always searching for something to
Hold?
When people surround me I still feel so
Cold.

The more that I think, the less I know
I’m wondering when I won’t feel so
Alone.

I surrender my face
and surrender my time,
I want to forgive
and I want to move on.
I surrender my cover
and surrender my life,
I’m in the need of
someone to confide.

I don’t want to harbor my heart for all
Time,
I don’t want to always get lost in my
Mind.

Sometimes I carry more weight than I own.

So, I surrender this burden
and surrender my pain.
I surrender my anger
and surrender my pride.
I know that these debts
are not yours,
they are mine.
I need to dig deeper
for the peace locked
Inside.




*special tnx to Candlebox influence

Phoenix Road Books

Phoenix Road Books storefront

Hello everyone, I just wanted to bring my Amazon storefront to your attention. (See link above) I carry a variety of books and occasionally other items. At this time a lot of the books are for general interests while some are geared towards women and some issues of abuse and emotional struggles. As this site develops and possibly takes on a non-profit fundrasing- it may be possible for me to invest in more books geared towards survivors and others suffereing with Post Traumatic stress. If you have interest in this storefront, items for sale, if you would like to DONATE funds, books or other items, or would like to make suggestions, please leave a comment or send an email to me personally at the address in my profile. Thanks again for reading!

When I Look Up I Just Trip Over Things....

Had a little hiatus from writing here...seems I'm still hovering between being in my shell .. using its protective cover.. and throwing myself out there head first- willing to take on the world. Like night and day I change from driven, spirited and excited... to discouraged, angry and scared. Like the seasons I am traveling through straightaways, hairpin turns, high roads and low roads. The only thing I can depend on is that the world will continue to change, and change me with it. That everything inside of me will change, regardless of whether I'm holding on to it or not. Grasping to the familiar I realize only slows the free progression of my life, but it is so hard not to- when its the way I'm built and its the way I've protected myself for so long. I've found it an endless challenge to prevent myself from being guarded all the time- I'm finding it hard to meet people and open up to them because of this struggle. I find myself making excuses in order to not take myself outside of my comfort zone. This manifests itself by my clinging to familiar relationships over making more genuine, valuable and rewarding NEW relationships by taking risks and putting myself out there. It's tough to step outside of myself, when it felt like my walls were the only thing holding me together for so so long. It's all I had to hold on to, and now that I can stand under my own weight- I'm finding it hard to drop the walls. I'm finding it hard to want to. I find that I still carry shame and resentment from being violated. I'm finding it hard to resolve a lot of the repressed anger that developed because of the loss of self and spirit, regardless of whether I'm taking it back again little by little or not. I'm finding it hard to trust that it is worth it to open myself up to the world and the people in it. With the risk of being hurt, violated, misunderstood- it is so much easier to keep my head under the sand. Nobody is going to come and find me though- I realize that. Even if they could- I want.. for once in my life to step out myself, and find that path with my own two feet, and my own two hands working to open doors.

Post traumatic stress only complicates this issue- as I become irritable towards others when I'm hitting my own walls and feeling claustrophobic, angry and discouraged. Truth of the matter is I am only angry at myself, as it is easy to become impatient when I don't understand my emotions at times. I don't always understand the way I act, the images in my mind, the harsh words and tone I use with others without intention.... so on and so forth. I find that horrific thoughts and images still visit my day and night dreams, and often I feel chased and haunted by my own demons. I find that I feel weak in regards to what happened, and worry that if this happened once- completely outside of my power to prevent it, whats to say it won't happen again, or worse? I have a lot of fears. Actually, I have so many that I find it hard to identify and acknowledge them all. I find that I feel and very likely am hindered by emotions that I am not even aware of yet. Therapy since August of 2007 has been like shifting through the rubble of a major earthquake, or a shelled village after a world war. There's survival under so much of the wounds and pain that I've lifted and let go- but there isn't always brightness under every shaded area-- not always uplifting hope under every brick. There's death, desperate gasps for air and screams at every turn too- and I have to balance the light and the dark.. AND stay positive and keep on a positive path in life at the same time. Doesn't always feel like a firm road under my feet- sometimes it feels like a tightrope, collapsing house or a thin layer of ice that I'm walking on. I could either get to the other side so much faster than I ever could have hoped- or I could fall right through and have no idea how to get "back on the horse" again. Reminds me of an Ani Difranco song..where she sings

...'cause when I look down, I just miss all the good stuff. When I look up,
I just trip over things..

Some days I don't want to fight anymore. Some days I look up at the mountainous walls around me and feel like I can conquer anything. Where do you turn when you feel like you need a hand? Do you wonder if anyone out there has a clue what this feels like? I can't say this enough.. whether its here, in therapy, in writing or whatever way you can reach out. Make sure you do somehow...another way to reach out and find resources would be to call a hotline in your area. For other resources, check out this site or this site and I hope you find the help that you need. Feel free to reach out to me at any time for resources or just someone to listen.

Is Love the way you make it?

"When I'm with you are you somewhere else?
Am I gettin through or do you please yourself?
When you wake up will you walk out?
It cant be love if you throw it about...
...I know you think that love is the way to make it....
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it."

(By the way, if someone knows who's responsible for these lyrics I will be very surprised :) ... )

I've always wondered how love can be the source of my greatest faith, yet also the part of life (and of myself) that I fear the most. It's strange how the one thing that inspires so much hope and joy in me and in the world- can also break me in a SECOND. The very part of life that opens people up to the potential and strength of themselves as a person.. as a human, yet also makes you feel so small and vulnerable at the same time. How love can make you feel so alive, so free and full of strength and peace-- but also make you wonder... is it too good to be true? When will I wake up from this dream, when will this person hurt me? How will I cope, and where will I turn?

Riptide

Wonderful world that I've forgotten to see
when did you decide to open for me?
Wild winds are approaching, reckless and free
to find me and guide me, and allow me to be.

When do I know that it's safe for a swim?
What kind of boat have I found myself in?

It won't take a minute, won't take long
if it isn't the wind, the storm will prolong.
Flailing in the rapids to crash on the shore
beached and exhausted, what else is in store?

Riptide and tears, will the world forsake me?
my blood's in the sand, but it's fear that could break me.

When I started alone, I expected the same
I'm rinsing my wounds and there's strength to reclaim.
When hands appear before me, for help to find rest
I feel a stirring inside and a jolt to my chest.

Where did this come from and how can I trust?
Who would approach me in the midst of this mess?

Hand in hand by the horizon, our prints pursue the shore
will the dark clouds follow, because I long for more?
Behind these eyes my passion, it's what I'm living for
Hope will defy reason, and weather fear to reach the core.

The sun and sweat, am I bound to get burned?
For all of the pain endured, is it finally my turn?

Different Kind of Lonely

Painfully lonely.... is a different type of lonely. It's not just, an emptiness. It's not just, needing to make other connections and making new friends. For once in my life, and now more than ever I have to be honest with myself. I have to be .. there for myself for one of the first times in my life... instead of being there for everyone else but me. I have no choice now. Everything that I never imagined could have happened to me-- so far-- has happened this past year. I've survived through some of the most horrific things a woman has to live through. I'm still here. I need to be my own friend- I need to listen to myself in a way that I've always known how to listen.. for someone else. This loneliness isn't just longing to be around other people. To be honest- its really not that at all. I just hurt. What I've been through... hurt. It still hurts today on so many different levels. I can't feel ashamed for that, it is what it is and the more I try to hide it- the more I force myself to be or to act strong... the farther I am from healing. I broke down in tears today.. randomly for one of the first times... in months. It's been so hard for me to get in touch with my feelings, nevermind actually be able.. to really cry like I did.. tonight. It just kind of hit me. My heart came back and i just all of the sudden connected with myself again...and.. I hurt. And I'm realizing that this is okay. I'm human. I'm still moving on, and I've moved on from some really difficult times, and some very difficult things that happened to and around me. My having experienced this overflow of feeling tonight was just a reminder.. I'm in there. I really thought I was gone a year ago. Even four months ago. I'm not gone. I can't pretend that what has happened to me, doesn't still affect me. I can't even pretend, that there's anything I can do- no matter how wonderful, fun, distracting or whatever it may be. I can't do anything to make this go away. It is a part of me, this healing is a part of my journey and very much a part of who I am. And no more do I want to banish any part of me, than I do want to wallow in this pain. I'm not a dweller... I'm not the type of person to sit and just wait as life goes by. I've never been that person. I spent months beating myself up for not being able to move on. For not being able to get up and brush myself off. But truth of the matter is I have. I'm still doing it, and I'm doing better and better everday. I'm stronger today than I ever was, before any of this ever happened. That's a wonderful triumph for me and for me to even be able to say that I accomplished this- is an amazing thing. I am giving myself credit for this which is something I never could do before. I am a survivor. What happened to me, was a horrible, painful nightmare sequence of events that will haunt me for a very long time. But I am a survivor- I didn't let go and I deserve my own support. I didn't give up, I got back up again and I worked through all of the hell. I dealt with things in the way I knew how, and in the way I thought was best for me. A lot of this work has been alone. I needed that for myself. At first I thought I could avoid people because it hurt too much to share what happened. Now I feel like part of that was for me... and I feel that I needed to do this for myself. I needed to learn how to truly care for myself in the way that I really have to... in order to get the most out of life. To heal, and to free my heart means that some day-- my heart will be whole again- will be something I can continue to give.. and I can continue to love in the only way I've ever known how. ... with everything I have.

I've survived, I'm surviving, and I will continue to do that. I have so much hope that i can continue to help other women do the same thing. Hope, is a wonderful thing- and has its own healing power in and of itself. Dealing with heartbreak and betrayal.. that I experienced... has also been a monumental challenge. The pain I still feel from that is very real. I once had a wonderful feeling, a wonderful comfort and love in a relationship- but that relationship went sour. That relationship went downward and then ended in a very traumatic, painful way. If I didn't still hurt from this happening two and a half months ago- I would be a robot. I would be a rock, a completely unfeeling- inhuman thing. I'm not that- I could never fool ANYone else into thinking that's who I am. Myself included- and I'm done lying to myself about it. I do still hurt- and I still do have a lot of feelings to work through. That doesn't mean I don't need anyone. I know I need my friends now more than ever- and I still hope to find new ones and learn to have fun and be myself in this new world that seems to have opened itself up to me. I still have that same hunger for joy, that same hunger to meet new people and have fun in life- to be free and even childlike which I love to do --- and love to experience in my life. I can do that too. I can have both. I've not been derailed by this emotion- and truth is I've learned not to fear it anymore. I'm not afraid of being overwhelmed by my own emotions anymore- and for the first time in my life I can also say that I'm NOT my own worst enemy as I have always been. I am no longer. There's nothing like being completely obliterated... broken... to make me realize how much I need myself. How much I need... me to be in my own corner. I'm there... I have to be... and I want to be. I'm here. I guess in being honest with myself I just wanted to be able to get this out because I'm not ashamed of any of it. I'm also pretty much done hiding from other people too- regardless of who is or isn't reading this. I've held on to so much over this last .. over a year now- and kept so much from so many people. It wasn't my intention to do exactly that but this is what has happened and this is where I am now.

For anyone who actually is reading. Thanks for sticking with me. Thanks for reading through this. If you are- it either means that you've been.. such a wonderful friend and helped me in a way that I could never explain. OR, it means you are a very compassionate person that has been touched- or is standing next to me during this experience I am having. Either way, I don't consider either stance insignificant. I want you to know I thank you.

Love, peace..healing... grounding....I wish you all (and I wish myself) the best. Goodnight... or in my case.. good morning to the deepest insomniac in me. :)

Gleaming yet Fearful

As I stand up gleaming, I've found the air!
Do you see me or hear me?

There are a couple people left as I stand up and re-adjust to my surroundings. I look around and I see a beautiful, wonderful group of people proud and smiling while looking back at me. I see a few new faces too, a few people seeing me for the first time. I feel like I'm a part of that second group, as I am seeing myself for the first time too. I'm feeling some of the things I feel, for the very first time as well. My body and mind, my spirit and soul sense things differently now- and as I take in the world around me it is as if I am in a entirely new place that I've never been before. Some of my days lately, are so filled with joy that I don't know how to function without feeling like I'm going to burst, to yell and scream and bounce like a child.

Some days are very dark though. Some days I feel fear, and I feel alone more than I have ever felt in my entire life. I'm not sure where the bridge is between these places, as long before a year ago- I've always struggled with dark and light. Somehow these don't feel like two parts of me anymore though- it feels more like there are all of these doors that are just waiting for me to open them... but I don't have all the keys yet. So, I'm sitting here with the few keys I have left wondering which door they go in. I've gone through a couple that I found keys for, and I don't know where I'm supposed to go next. Sometimes, I go through one door and it opens up a bright world for me, but when I go to look for the next door I can't find the one I entered through. I just feel lost. I still feel disconnected, and I feel as if I've exhausted sources. This could be my own fear that I am creating for myself, I know that I worry I've burdened my loved ones too much. It's not as if I am trying to make myself believe that I am an island... but I am just so lonely. I'm finding the only hills that are .. very hard for me to climb is the ones that involve socializing. I find that I'm having a hard time finding a way to join in with others, and put myself out there to introduce myself to strangers in a friendly environment. I've passively searched for writing workshops, and other social activities but when it comes to joining up I just make excuses. I feel so free, I feel so.. much better than I did before. I am not invisible, I am not impenetrable. I still feel pain from what happened, AND from all of the days I lost struggling to get back to where I am right now. I still get angry, sad, fearful.. all of that. But difference is I feel like a part of the world now. I feel like a strong, beautiful, capable, giving, loving person. But I still want so badly to protect myself, that I'm finding it hard to... come out of my comfort zone socially.. enough to actually do something new like ... join a group of some kind. I guess life gives me a path to follow sometimes. BUT, what I want to tackle.. what I want to improve on is making my own path. Pushing ahead when there is no map, and following my heart and what I want even if it doesn't exist yet... paving the road if I have to. Would love to hear your thoughts....

Empty Nest

Where do you begin to pick up the pieces
when everything is lost?
Where do you turn to, through all of the damage
when your spirit has been tossed?
What do you cling to, to weather the storm
when the branches that held you, are covered with thorns?

I found a way to cover my head long enough for me to find peace and quiet in a world filled with chaos and pain. I hid my eyes long enough to refocus in this blinding culture filled with indignity and injustice. I look to myself now, instead of around to find the support to remain on firm ground. I stand up with my eyes straight ahead, I don't bow or hide when I face others. I find that its harder now to reach out to others though, I find it much harder to trust I feel nervousness and fear where before it didn't phase me. Instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve, I hold my hands to cover my chest- not fully aware of when its okay to let it out. I'm relearning to connect with others-- when for a year I made it my goal to remain outside of any circles of awareness. It's almost if I'm relearning to speak and walk after having a stroke, or after being in a coma for over a year. Others don't realize how much has changed, or even that I am a completely different person than I was before August 25th, 2007. Some of those weeks prior to that date ended up being the last time I saw many of my friends-- before now.. as I'm attempting to reconnect. Sometimes I look back at this year and feel baffled, wondering what exactly it was I held on to- as it felt I was on a freefall into a black hole that would swallow me whole, never to return. Sometimes I wonder where my faith came from, and how I found it through all of the wreckage inside of me.


"Those thieving birds
Hang strung from an empty nest
This swan plagued pond
Forsaken and under whelmed
Those leaving words
Hang strong from an emptiness
Hang strong from an emptiness
Those thieving birds
Hang strung from an empty nest

This is tearing me apart
If the sun won't shine
Forever will never be fine
Underneath the hollow ground
Lies a night time sky
For only a desperate eye

When I'm paranoid I see walls behind walls behind walls
When I'm over joyed I see falls over falls over falls
When I'm all alone I'll be wary and careful to
Only eat with uncles
Never talk to strangers
God is in the kitchen
Faking baby dangers

Change whatever karma means
For the only things that end never truly begin
If this streets air ain't up to par
I'll take my clothes and take this strange behaviour...

...If this keeps tearing me apart
The walls come down won't stop this empty feeling
For everything apart from this." - Silverchair, "Those Theiving Birds"

When to Say Goodbye...

It's hard to know when to walk away. It's equally as difficult to know when you need to take a person out of your life that has been so very much a part of you. Literally removing this person, can feel like you are ripping out a piece/part of you and throwing it away. It feels so horrible, so violent and harsh- and no matter what your mind understands- it's so ... so hard to convince your or my body. The body just doesn't work that way.

I've come to realize that pain works along the same lines. There are nightmares that will follow me until the last moment I breathe. There are hurtful memories and feelings that will always return and dissipate at a moment's notice- and without warning and without mercy. There are those in life that will turn away from me because of my hardship, and turn away from so many other women out there- as if a blind eye saves them from a disease. Each and everyone of us as survivors of rape and/or abuse will see the day where a person completely insults the very core of what it means to be you, the person that you are, to have survived horrors most will never see, or ever even fathom. There will be a day where each and everyone of us feels completely scorned from the world we live in- because of how little some others care about their mothers, sisters, grandmothers, friends, aunts, girlfriends, wives... mentors- because they don't think they have anything to do with it. There are many days where it feels like my pain is my own, and no one will ever even scratch the surface- considering the little regard a majority of people have for survivors these days. In the less than 1 in 16 monsters that actually are taken to court- the trials seem more focused on humiliating and testing the survivors, rather than interrogating the filthy worthless perpetrators. Did you dress a certain way? Did you consent to sex before with this person, did you say no firmly enough? Did you tease the perpetrator or "act sexy?" Essentially, did you breathe- wake up in the morning and decide to be only the person that you are- sexy, loving, vibrant- woman or man? What is it that brings a limit to continuing, renewing horror? When will it be our turn to seek redemption for all of this pain- to actually receive the same protection under this "law" and this country that every one else does? Even if you never have the opportunity, whether you are a survivor or not- turn on the TV. Pay attention to what you see. Ask yourself the question here (as trials and stories of rape and abuse are extremely prevalent all over TV programs free ranging from ludicrous to partially accurate), which person survived through being raped, and STRIPPED of any sense of security, privacy, heart, spirit that they have? Which person is the SURVIVOR? Then ask yourself- how is this trial geared or who is it geared towards putting on trial?

Every day is a battle between dark and light. Every day I wake up, I can decide to fight, give up, or just do my best. But this pain doesn't own me anymore. I'm wiping, cleaning and disowning the filth, deceit, violence, worthlessness, disgust and heartlessness off of my body. This is not my load to bear. The person who brought me horrors that I never thought possible- this person will receive their day. I won't-- I won't be given anything, the only thing that I get is what I give myself. I won't get my day in court. I won't get my chance to be protected by the excuse for a system of justice otherwise known as law. I won't get a spot to fight back. But I have a chance to live. I have a chance to heal my wounds, I have a chance to hold on to my spirit- and refuse to be robbed of who I am- and what I need. I have a chance to reach out to other survivors who have fared far worse than I have. I have a chance to reconnect with my loved ones who have stayed firm, stood by me loyally and genuinely- regardless of how detached I became. The pain will return. My anger will still overwhelm me at times- and my fears will still follow me. But each and everyday I say goodbye to an inch more of fear. An ounce more of tension. And each day I grasp a hold on to another moment of joy, another smile with a free heart, and another way to say I love you. Another day to wake up and realize I am so, very alive, good and bad, pain and peace. Know that I will always listen and read your responses. Know that I hope to hear from any of you readers out there who have something to offer- because I will listen- and will be with you in this isolation. Survivors can survive together, and it certainly helps to know we aren't alone. Say goodbye a little more everyday to all that ails and weighs you down......

Unfinished mark of the anniversary of change.

One year ago...Death marked the end of fear, beginning of change, extension of strength..
_________________________________________________

Fighting the loneliness everyday
it seems that the mountain's the only way.
Climbing and fighting my life away
bearing the weather to break through again.

I know that tomorrow I'll stand on the top
still inches between me and the way to drop.
Only my will to fend off the dark thoughts
that threaten my balance and ask me to stop.

Although the horizon is warm and bright
I struggle to feel it while alone in the night.
The sun in the morning reminds me to fight
the moon in the evening reveals my true plight.

Fiery passion fuels the trail to descend
the rush of the rivers will guide me to mend.
The force of balance that each boulder lends
brings blessings of silence; the fusion of strength.

____________________________________________

Not my typical style at all... but I guess this coming anniversary is anything but typical...

Sometimes the most cathartic thing in the world...

Is remembering how fortunate you are. I'm trying... each and everyday as the one year anniversary approaches. To celebrate the positive, to celebrate my health, to celebrate where I've come. The negativity will come. I can't prevent the feelings, the hurt, the fear, the likely nightmares. But I am growing back into myself more and more everyday. This was my practice earlier today...

"Nothing compares to the love I've received from my family & friends this year. Nothing compares to the support I've received, from those that love me. I am continuously humbled and touched by the amount of patience, humility, intuition, and concern my friends and loved ones have shown me. Never could I ever expect or dream of better friends.. and I know how incredibly fortunate I am. There are those of you I haven't talked to in a while, and those of you that aren't in touch with me right now for whatever reason. There are those of you that have supported me by giving me the space I needed, and there are those of you that stood by me this year through thick and thin- without hesitation. There's even a few of you that stuck with me night and day through all of the chaos, fury, anger, nightmares- flashbacks and so on. There are those of you that didn't flinch when I couldn't stop crying, never creeped away when I'd lose my temper for no reason, never judged when I didn't want to get up some mornings, or didn't want to leave the house. There are those of you that didn't expect or ask me to smile even though I usually would be, and there are those of you who refused to give up trying to give me moments of joy--even for a couple seconds to ease the ache. There are those of you that didn't flinch or step away when I was irritable and difficult- or just plain old cold. There are those of you who dragged me out of the house when I hid too long, those of you who came just to give me some company--even though I couldn't talk.. or didn't have anything to offer/say. There are those of you that would remember to give me a phone call here and there- just to find out how I was doing- and to remind me that you love me. There are those of you who just hugged or held me when I couldn't tell you what I needed--when I honestly didn't know and felt completely empty.

There's a few of you who were there in the days after 8/25/07 who listened as I told you what happened- and NEVER for a second were disturbed or thrown for a loop. There are those of you who looked me in the eyes when I completely lost it, and those that were stable and calm when I couldn't even stand-- when I really needed you. There are those of you who even held my hand and walked with me when I did some very difficult things. Those of you that stayed with me some nights when I woke up crying, or just going out of my mind.

I want each and every one of you to know just how much I appreciate you. I want you to know that every single day... for the last 365 (almost) days I have felt that your love saved my life. Every single day I knew, every single day I held on to your love and support for my dear life. Each and every one of you gave me a reason to hold on when I wanted to give up. Everyday, even though I didn't tell you-- you gave me a reason to get up in the morning. I didn't tell you what I felt inside and you continued to love and support me anyway. (even when I didn't have the words to show you that I knew-- and appreciated you.) I know I may have hurt some people along the way, I know there are those who didn't really know what was going on with me and I couldn't find it in my heart to tell you. I want to re-connect with each and every one of you, and little by little I know now that I can show you just how much you impact me.

Whether we have not been in touch for a while, regardless of the ups and downs leading up to today. Whether you have been hurt by what I have said and might be upset with me or vice versa.. every single one of you .. I want you to know how much I thank you. Without you I don't know where I'd be and my heart carries you all when the days get dark. I know I have a long road ahead of me-- but I also know how far I've come. You've had so much to do with that, and I feel it's important for me to finally say that. You know who you are, thank you all for helping me realize that I can do this, and I can continue to do this in the days ahead, healing, believing, growing and finding peace and happiness and finding myself again.

Forever I will remember you, and what you have done and shown me. I send my love out to you.....

Yours Truly"

Silver Lining

Why does life have a silver lining? Why are there so many beautiful things in life, that make you feel on top of the world- but then have such potential to absolutely crush you. Why am I so open, and give of my heart so freely- when I've been let down so many times? How can I ever.. prevent bringing this jaded sense of doom into a future relationship?

For the last three years I've given my heart .. to one person. This person gave me such joy- and such companionship unlike anything I have ever felt. We have so many good memories together- regardless of how much we struggled towards the end of our relationship. Towards the beginning, this person was so sure that they wanted to spend their life with me- so sure that it even made me a bit nervous because I coudn't see that far into the future. Eventually, through trials and tribulations- fights and resolutions, I came to the realization that the love we had put me in a place I wanted to bring into the future. The companionship and cooperation we tried to create between us- made me feel so much more capable to face the world. The dark sides of me, the damaged, painful and scary parts of me didn't phase my partner. My partner loved who I was, what I felt, regardless of my baggage. I wanted to settle down for all time, regardless of any fear that it wouldn't work... or that I'd be let down. I made mistakes, I hurt her feelings, I demanded too much, I tried too hard, I pushed too hard, so many things over the three years. I knew that at times I made things harder. Never in all of the things that I had done and hadn't done, out of all the mistakes I made- never did it seem impossible for me to always improve and become a better partner. In all actuality I tried as hard as I could to make it my way of being in the relationship, being a work in progress. I wished for the same thing from my partner, even though I didn't always get it. Regardless of the pain she caused me over the span of our relationship, I had this enduring hope that we'd break through the darkness that we experienced. I had hope that the problems we had individually that interfered with us getting along... I had hope that we'd perservere and become stronger because of it. I put my heart and soul, into the love I had for my partner, and my mind to do the best I could to keep it strong.

Then my love came to bite me. Then my partner stabbed me in the back. Then one of my best friends in the entire world, betrayed me. Two of the most important people in my world, waited until my back was turned to completely throw everything away, including my heart. I gave my all, I gave my heart, only to have it pierced with heartless decisions... the ones I was most vulnerable to, the ones I NEVER imagined would not be a part of my life... they were also the people who completely devastated me. They were the people who decided to throw our trust away, to throw our history away, and to throw our friendship away. Those were the same people who decided that a night of pleasure was worth more than so many years of friendship and more. My heart isn't returnable... even if I wanted it to be, I can't take it back. I can't tell my heart to stop loving. I can't tell it to just forget it... and even if I thought it would be a good idea to try- my heart wouldn't listen. I can't tell it that this person doesn't deserve it anymore, I can't reach out and grab it back because things have changed. No matter how much these two people hurt me and deserted me, I can't stop loving them because they had my heart already. They had my soul, they had my life, I trusted everything with them. They were the people I thought were my soulmates, I thought they were the people most central to life- that they would always bring me joy until the last days I breathe. They were the people who I thought made me so much more of a person, because of how much they impacted me. They sabotaged that, they spit in the face of what I thought we all held so dear, they decided it was- and in turn I was expendable, replaceable, unimportant. This was no mistake, they decided to do this- whether they admit it or not. There's no silver lining to that.

So much has happened in the last year. So much has changed. I've been struggling with things I never imagined could happen. Outside of my friendships and relationships, I've had such a large battle with darkness- that I've only now started to feel like I'm actually winning, or at least putting up an equally as powerful of a fight. Then heartbreak became reality. I don't want to be brought back down in hell-- I perservered for too long to lose it now, I can't go back there. I don't want to give up all of the work I have done, and all of the things I've acheived.. and how far I have come.. because of this. I don't want to be anywhere else for one of the first times in my life, and regardless of the pain I don't want to let this rob me of my hope, and faith which have both recently re-introduced themselves in my life. Where's my silver lining? Where's the time that I get a little nudge in the right direction? Every step I take has been the most difficult, the heaviest of any movement I've ever had. I've been blinded for so much time, I've been lost for far too long. I don't want to abandon myself. I'm scared, confused, strained and tired. I pray for release, every day and night. I pray that I continue this fight and never give up.

Ten Days, until the day I died...

until the day my heart sizzled into nothing
Ten days until the day I fell
into an abyss I could never find or
ever escape from hell inside.

Ten days to the day my life fell apart
and spread my pieces all over a world
that I couldn't penetrate.
Ten days to the day I looked in the mirror
and didn't recognize the person looking back.
The living dead before my eyes;
I feared the person in the reflection
a perfect stranger looking in.

Ten days until the day I lost myself
and the soul inside my skin was
scratching, gasping, crying, clawing
to shed the walls that kept her in.
Ten days until I felt the soul
inside me die; and I was powerless
to revive the life that stuttered to a stop.
Ten days until my heart stopped beating
if for an instant it felt as if
it burst open at the seams.

Ten days until the blood inside my veins
was a river of poison covered knives
slicing every source of air
my body could breathe in.
Ten days until the day my legs gave out
my shoulders bowed, my eyes went black.
Ten days until the day I lost my smile
my skin went pale, and my mind went wild.
Ten days until my muscles tightened
my fingers clenched, my torso bent.
Ten days until I crawled inside myself
vowing never to return.

Ten days until a lifetime passed
when eternity became a year.
I must have missed "God's" intuition
when steeped in hell to perservere.
My only hope was my direction
wavering on my faith in love;
my very essense was depending
on my never giving in.
This small raft on which I'm sailing
has stayed afloat just for a while,
just enough to poke my head
out from under the sea i've been
hiding in.

But can you find me where I'm sailing?
When will I know its safe,
to enter into a world demanding
me to cope with my despair
while knowing he's saved face?

Anger

Anger.


Won't get the best of me.

Bitterness, pettiness, ignorance, senseless claims and rash words are a waste of time. I've wasted enough, and this isn't worth fighting over. There's no fight to have, I've got one way to go, and that's out. Good riddance to negativity, I'm moving through and won't stop at any obstacle. Go ahead, get in my way- I dare you. I won't say I won't ever have doubts, I won't say I will never slip. But I'll be damned before I let myself give up again, giving up on myself isn't an option anymore. I'm moving for love, I'm moving for my life, I'm moving for something better in this world- I deserve better for me.

I've felt all the pain, and I'll feel it again. It will follow me always, but it won't break me again. My pieces may be apart, but all is not lost. I'm working for faith, I'm working for myself- and for a greater future, a greater life ... for ME. I'm in this for myself, its nice to finally be in my own corner. It's about time I believe- in what I can do, and what I have done to get through this life. It's the time now, as it has been before to believe in who I am and what I'm made of. I've worried enough, I've lost enough sleep. Today will bring change, tomorrow will bring more. I'll continue to learn to flex, and stay strong when things get stormy again. I'll know that I can get through anything, nothing can break me again. I will fall, and I will get up again. I will lose energy at times, but re-energize again- and I will fear things but I will face them now as I have nothing to lose. Death will bring the end to this life, but whenever that may be I want to know I've lived as much as I could in the life that I've been blessed with.

I'll kick and I'll scream, I'll get lost in my mind. My heart will get cloudy, my outlook can be blind. But I have to keep moving, clarity won't find me if I continue to run. I'm going to be here, and everywhere else- but I will be ready when my day will come. I've been hurt, I've been abused- but I won't continue it towards me I will tend to my wounds. They won't be the name of me, or cover my face but they are part of me but not all of me just another part to embrace. Being lost is only a part of the plan, there's no way I can lose direction I just need to slow down sometimes. Sometimes the path just changes- and I have to continue to follow where my heart leads me, and listen to the answers it gives me. Even when it hurts.

Back to Pain

I know there are others out there that feel like they can't win. I know you are reading this and thinking that you've been there. How much heartbreak can one person take before they break? How much pain can someone survive through before losing their mind? How does one move on, heal, and feel confident that good times are ahead when everytime they stand up they fall flat on their face again?

It seems I make the same mistakes over and over again. My intentions are good, but the results of parts of me, or parts of my life that I care about just don't seem to work out in the end. I've had a particularly hard year- but its not just this year. I know humans aren't perfect... but I'm starting to wonder about myself. Surviving through rape, and the aftermath was one of the hardest things I've had to do. First it was disgust, feeling that a foreign substance was in my body.. which there was.. but of course even after the physical remnants, its the broken spirit inside of me... the decomposing heart. That's what it felt like for me in the beginning. I was sick all of the time, I couldn't loosen up, I couldn't relax my tense muscles, I didn't let anyone near me. I didn't tell some of my loved ones until months later. I only left the house when I was forced to. Then it moved on to shock, depression, anxiety, nightmares.. a lot of which i'm still experiencing today. I'm not sure if other survivors would agree with me or not (my guess is that you would) but the traumatic experiences I've had after the rape- the pain from that has been much more intense than the actual rape itself. I find that I experience it all over again, in the tension, the headaches, the fluctuating appetite, loss of devotion/direction, and so many other ways.

Losing a loved one, seperating from someone you love is a lot like that. All of the love I carry and carried inside of me feels like knives, like poison, like a sickness that is taking over my body. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't walk around without the feeling that I'm going to pass out, and/or completly sick to my stomach. The shock of being betrayed, the pain from three years spent with the person I love all this anger just tears my insides apart. The pain from losing a dear friend, who is more like family to a deceitful act that cannot be undone. I love my former partner still- but I can no longer look at this person without wanting to die. The pain is overwhelming. It hurts to love someone who has caused you so much pain. The feelings of love put people in the highest forms of themselves- brings out the spirit in us all. The loss of love, is the death of our insides and where we must be born again. How many more lives are left in me? How many blessings and/or gifts are waiting in the wings for me? Are there any? So far I've just lost touch. I'm in an alternate reality that I can't escape. I'm crying out all night and all day, inside my head although no one can hear me. The two parts of this situation are constantly warring in my brain- fighting the love, fighting the hate, fighting the heartbreak, fighting the fear.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just, I wonder when in my life.. that inspiration won't just be a joke to me. I wonder when I can live without fear of losing everything. I wonder when these nightmares will stop, when this pain will subside, when I can be truly happy. I deserve this.

Yielding the Knife

What do you do when your world is upside down?
Over and over when its turned and shaken
where do you go when you are completely out of place?
How do you begin to move when you've lost your faith?

Why is there pain from which we cannot recover?
We can only live and learn to decide better
this idea works on paper, but in my heart
it just doesn't fit.

How do you mend a wounded heart
when the ones that support you,
are yielding the knife?
Where do you walk, surrounded by
burned bridges, as you're stumbling through
shocked, bruised, lost and used?

I want to return, to where things made sense.
But that isn't my choice, and is no longer my path.
I just want to crawl in a hole and hide.
I've been told I'm strong and so full of life.
But I feel so weak, broken and dead inside.

I just want to live. I want to be happy.
I want to find that it could happen,
that it could stay, not just come and go
I'd settle for content with what I see in front of me,
but reminders are haunting me of what I've lost.

Who do I look for, and how do I trust
when all that I've lived for has fallen apart?


I don't want to lose everything, but it appears that
my everything has lost me.

Pulse

I keep my ears on the pitch of life
when I can't find the key.
The thumping rhythm leads a chorus
directing me to move and sing.
This song has been with me
as long as I've had air to breathe
and filled my heart with joy and passion
to share the spirit kept within.

When it sped up, grew strong and full
when it slowed, grew quiet and glum.
I should have listened.
Instead of looking to the sky,
I should only keep my mind;
bite my tongue and bide my time,
to cut out the noise and listen.

Nothing ever speaks the truth,
like changing notes and timely cues.
The ebb and flow of tone and chords
will teach me timing and teach me tune.
When all in one I can't cry out,
but wait in turn the lyrics will come.
If I open my heart and express my fears,
the world will listen and my
purpose is revealed.

There is no choice but to keep it going
if I choose to sing.
I'll always have the song inside and
If I breathe, it will survive-
because it is in me.
When I find I've lost my sense
I can remember I'll always have
my hand on the pulse, my vigor
my song; it is the only living truth.

Waste of Space

What is it that I have to do
to rid my mind of all thoughts of you?
When will time begin to run
so my body catches up to how far I've come?
Where is the place where things make sense
and the things that matter take precedence?
How can I beat your disease and restart
and remove what remains of your putrid marks?
Why is my body a sacrifice to crime
what law is protecting what is sacred, what is mine?

The truth is harsh, reality a shame
you're a coward condoned, your brutality framed.
It should put you away, but still you are spared
while I work through my life carrying the pain
knowing there is no justice, answers or closure
and I find no hope for change.
Liberation fails me
and I'm quickly pushed aside.
But fury still claims me, and
I'm followed by your grime.

I'm fully aware that I'd end you
if I only had the chance.
It's fortunate that you've stayed away,
as my hands betray reason.
But the thoughts remain alive
as my healing pushes through,
still you remain, in the depths of
my mind, a pile of waste that I
long to throw away.

How fitting it would be, that your
throat would be stifled
when the time that I've survived
passed through breathless nightmares
stabbing memories and lifeless days.
The darkness became me, the disgust
overwhelming. But this feculence is you
and the stench of your presence
is now removed and disposed
as your time has passed.

Revenge is a fool's game, my anger is not.
I speak in full sentences- and I walk with pride.
You represent criminals, you represent filth
you represent prejudice, you represent lies.
Your actions will follow you always
your relevance is maimed.

I know you can hear me,
as police call your bluff.
Consider it a gift, from me to you-
humiliation delivered to your door
now everyone is watching you,
the ball is in your court.
I don't wish to retaliate,
I won't waste my breath
Indecency doesn't own me
but this you'll carry to your death.

You've wasted your life-
and stolen far too much of mine.
Peace is the gift that I now
give to myself- knowing each day is golden
and now you face your crime.
Even though I hate you, and gag with every thought
I'm burning all the memories of you
and returning to my faith.
You will never define me
or ever dampen my strength.
You will never control me
or hurt me ever again.
Justice may defy me, but your actions
will catch up to you in the end
the truth will defile you
and gladly it's out of my hands.


You are gone, good riddance.

Boston is "Title Town." Hello!? Are we just noticing this now? :)

What a wonderful, long time coming/deserved voice of reason. I'm so sick of hearing year after year about the prejudice and racism in the city of Boston- and that being "what its known for." I'm sorry, but in the greatly white supremicist society we live in here in America, I'm so sick of people making Boston a scapegoat. Look at yourselves people... the race of African American people have been abused for centuries. Unfortunately, it hasn't ended either, and there are still wide spread issues and injustices alive and well in all corners of this country, and in all levels of society. Don't give me the "not in this town" crap, don't give me this "I'm not racist" crap. We're all a bit racist, whether we admit it or not- and its up to us to change that and grow for our future generations. We all have skeletons in our closets- it's about time we bring them out- have the courage to acknowledge them, learn from them- and work on healing our wounded nation and its people. I'm not intending to stir the pot here- but I just get so frustrated with people who have such self serving viewpoints that they don't realize their own flaws and fault. Guess it stirred up the pot in me, because I know I'm not the only one who admits my part in this widespread problem, and I'm not the only one willing to work for change.

"...It is a curious contradiction about Boston. The city had a questionable reputation in its eagerness to embrace baseball desegregation, and it was not so long ago that there were still mutterings that the Red Sox might not be the best choice for an African-American player because of Boston's racial climate.

But anyone up on NBA history knows that 44 years ago, the Celtics became the first team in history to start five black men. Red Auerbach did not care about a player's skin color, if he could help him get his victory cigar lit.

And the current Celtics seem enamored enough with their workplace.

"Since day 1," Kevin Garnett said, "Paul (Pierce) told me this is unlike any other city when it comes to sports. You give them a reason, and they will jump on and they will be behind you even when you're losing or even when you're going through tough times. I got to see that."

This is not a bad way to go chasing after championships. There is strength in unity. Not without reason, is it called Red Sox Nation..."


-Mike Lopresti of the Jackson Sun

Surviving. What Does it Mean Anyway?

What does 'surviving' actually mean? (or Survivor for that matter)
Is it the ability to stay alive? Is it understanding nature enough to be able to use one's surroundings to sustain health and energy? Does it entail the ideas of "survival of the fittest?" Is it what humans and other animals have had to do over time and evolution? Is it being able to live on during times of disaster in our country, and in this world we live in? Is it being able to "grant me [oneself] the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference?” Is it facing injustice defiantly, directly and undeterred, and having the determination to stand up for what we (you and/or I) believe in? Or is it something entirely separate from what we have the "tools" or life experience to EVER be prepared for-- but yet persevering all the same.
In my eyes, survival is something that happens when a person experiences something far beyond earth shattering. It's something that happens without will, without support- without knowing others believe in you. It's something that happens when everything joyful that you've ever loved, lost and revived- doesn't make a difference anymore. It's being helpless, lost and unable to soothe the excruciating pain you feel inside. It's knowing that the people you love- have no idea what its like to live on, when you feel that most of you has died. It's continuing to try to continue to heal, even when it seems that there's nothing you can do to take your pain away. It's being able to re-train your mind to think positive, when horrors and flashbacks continue to haunt, defile, humiliate and disown you. It's being able to hold on through the aftershocks of trauma and the fear of facing other people. It's being able to find calm when you can't seem to tell the difference between reality and your nightmares. Its being able to just keep living when you don't know who you are anymore. It's knowing that there is no choice but to keep going- even when it feels as if the world is literally shitting on you. It's being able to focus on yourself and being positive, when others look at you and think/say you are just making excuses. It's being able to remind yourself that certain experiences will cause you to act in ways that you don't like- but being able to affirm your efforts anyway. It's staying firm when your decisions/actions seem completely irrational to others- but still listening to your heart and following the path as it guides you. It's being able to remain on course- even when EVERYONE thinks they have the answer to be able to "fix," or change your situation. It's knowing that you are the only person who knows what is RIGHT FOR YOU...and it's having the initiative to change what isn't healthy in your life. It's being able to solidify your values and priorities; because your hands are full and your body/mind/soul is cluttered. It's acknowledging that you need to try to do just what is most important to your 'moving on' and healing. It's having the humility to accept that other's won't understand what its like to suffer with what you've been through-- so you can grant them patience and compassion for their words and actions. (Regardless of how it may make you feel, or how ignorant they may seem)
Most importantly- it's not giving up, no matter how discouraged you may be. It's the ability to avoid beating yourself up when you fall down and back a couple of steps- even when it felt like you were progressing. It's saving patience for yourself- to get you through those days when you just don't want to fight anymore. It doesn't matter that you want to give up, it doesn't matter that you feel hopeless. It doesn't matter if you worry that you can't continue, because survival doesn't discriminate- and it won't cut you down for the negative thoughts you have. I firmly believe that we have hearts, and soul for a reason- and without thinking everything through- you'll still be lead on the path that you need to choose and follow. Sometimes not making a decision, is the best decision you could make in life. Sometimes, letting life lead you is the best way to find your way out when you are lost. Survival- to me is to be able to bear such weight everyday without giving up entirely and not giving yourself a chance to heal. Healing will happen regardless of what we do in life- the only thing it depends on is staying alive. We're all meant to heal- but we are also mortal, it may never be complete.

I don't mean for this to be some inspirational post. I don't mean to say I do all of these things- or even most of them everyday. I'm so far from perfect that I'm not sure I could push for anymore distance. This is just a meditation to work my way through the confusion of my daily life and all the emotions, worries and thoughts that come with it. I am sure that there are others battling this everyday as well. I hope eventually I can learn from others who are trying to survive- struggling to survive at times. I hope you have the courage to reach out, if anything I'm writing means something to you in regards to your experience.

I'm Not Lost, Just Undiscovered.

Do you ever feel like you could scream at the top of your lungs, and nobody would hear you?

Do you ever feel like, the harder you try to express yourself- the more your feelings and thoughts sound completely incoherent and disordered?

Do you ever feel that your energy, your body language and/or your tone affects others negatively?
There are times, when I see the confusion or disturbed expression on a person's face before I even open my mouth. There are ways, that I put people off without knowing how- or why- or what it is that is causing them to feel/react that way. Even when I do know, what it is that I've done, or what I've said or how I've acted that made them feel that way- I feel powerless to stop it. It feels like even if I know ahead of time I'm feeling a certain way- and I literally think to myself that I need to be careful- or aware of how I'm coming across- it seems that I do the very things, say the very words, and act in all of the ways I was trying to prevent. (or at least adjust) I've always been a strong minded and willed person- and I've never had a problem with saying EXACTLY what I mean and intend to. Lately I just don't feel like I'm in the "driver's seat" and I want so desperately to feel more in control. I feel, that my energy is not what it should be- I know that it isn't. But even when I am feeling lighter- or feeling less hindered I still don't seem to present or put forth this energy- these feelings. It seems- that my person, my energy and spirit has been skewed (sp?) especially from the perspective of the people around me... even with the people who know me best, and love me the most. It seems that I speak in code that is completely seperate from the language that other's can understand...like I'm living in a culture and I don't know the language. Or, possibly a better example would be that I am hard of hearing- but my sign language doesn't translate. Either that- or I've completely forgotten how to sign altogether- but it feels like I'm using the same language- same words that I have all along. Apparently I'm not, apparently my vocabulary has disappeared. (All due respect to those who are hard of hearing- I don't claim to understand their experience of course- but this metaphor was the best I could do to describe where I'm at.) I know- and I've been reminded that all of this is normal for anyone who's been through what I've experienced. But- I guess its just difficult- when I feel like I'm seeing myself from the outside- and not quite experiencing life as .. myself- as the person inside my body. That's difficult. I feel I've been getting better- then relapsing, rehashing- and old bad habits come and overwhelm me again. When is the rollercoaster going to be over? When can I feel alive again? Surviving- isn't very glamorous- it isn't satisfying, gratifying, or comforting. Where are you, today?

Did I mention I love the Red Sox?

I know I have. :) You'll see more Patriots news as the season approaches. I usually report on highlights from games I thought were fantastic, or games that had noteworthy performance from my standpoint, statistics standpoint- or from a valued source. This time, its both from the game I watched last night- and realizing how important and incredible this accomplishment is- for so many reasons.

Lester has had a few lackluster performances so far this season, to say the least- but none of his teammates, or Francona ever doubted him. They always said, "he has great stuff, he just needs confidence." While I wanted to trust their word, his apparent inability to have a clean inning, and his penchant for gathering several men on base and having to pitch out of tough situations, so on and so forth has been frustrating. I wondered if he would come around,(I hoped he would) and wondered what exactly needed to happen in order for him to gain confidence. I got the answer last night. Lester blew me away with his command, and the aggressiveness he showed at the mound with EVERY hitter. It was the fourth no-hitter of the captain Jason Varitek's career with the Red Sox. No other catcher has that many. It isn't just the statistics that blow me away, its also how difficult it is to accomplish that feat. So many things go into that, from discipline, stamina, and command from the pitcher; but also stellar defense, clean plays, and a cleanly (and creative) called game from behind the plate. The rules are a bit sketchy surrounding no-hitters- I really didn't understand that until reading this article. I didn't really grasp the significance of his accomplishment... until reading that article. All this put together, pitching a no-hitter is a challenging feat that most pitchers could NEVER even dream of doing.

Usually you can tell almost RIGHT away whether a pitcher will make it or not in Boston. Many don't. (perfect example, Eric Gagne. We called him "GAG-ne" ) First, they have to be thick-skinned, strong, disciplined etc to survive the Boston fans. Talent isn't enough up here. This stretches to all New England fans in general, going in line with Belichik's "Do your job" philosophy. You don't do that, you don't survive up here. I was literally brought up learning this from day one- and my love of the game and the Red Sox has never and will never stop growing.

Anyway, that's enough for now.... Congratulations Jon Lester!

Stuck with Lugo?

From FoxSports. com "The Red Sox appear stuck with shortstop Julio
Lugo, who is earning $9 million per season through 2010, but they inquired about the Astros' Mark Loretta in spring training, evidently viewing him as possible infield insurance. A trade for the Giants' Omar Vizquel might be something for the Sox to consider: Vizquel would offer steady and at times spectacular defense, and offense that would be no worse than Lugo's ..." Source: Fox Sports

Affirming Dissonance

4/29-5/13

Who's gonna save my soul now?
question never leaves my lips
God will protect me.
statement never captures my heart
But I do pray.
hope doesn't always match the odds
So I'll hold on tight.
effort doesn't produce freedom
Still I endure the pain.
perspective can't change the truth
So I try to capture the moments of joy.
will isn't enough to shield fear and shame

Who will catch me if I fall?
caution bears no immunity from violation
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
courage to protest often remains unheard
I will stand and fight, no matter the cost.
vehemency won't relieve fury and bitterness
I am not a victim, I am a survivor.
integrity won't serve justice in the end
For those who are gone, I have to speak out.
words betray me, and the burden is mine alone
You devote your time and energy to heal me.
hands cannot fix what is impossible to touch

When my spirit screams, will you hear it?
agony is a silent, nameless solitude
There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
nightmares still haunt me, predicting catastrophy
For every step forward, there are ten steps back.
love keeps me standing, as faith will wax and wane
Life is always passing, going faster when I fall.
scars speak a thousand words, carved into my heart
Depression is a blanket when desire comes up lame.
repugnant thoughts surround me then distance is a friend
Fire won't go quietly, scorching all things reached by wind.
rebirth is my blessing and my spirit will transcend


(praising the greats: nod in appreciation of influence of Gnarls Barkley, Nietzche)

I just keep swimming :)

Badly neglected the blog in the last week, although I'm not sure how many readers I've got yet. Been a little caught up with some writing thats unfinished.... Any of you out there, feel free to speak up anytime. I know I've gotten a few, and if you feel like talking- know it will be anonymous if you choose and that is fine. I look forward to speaking with readers, survivors, poets, athletes... anyone looking to connect.

On a random note- I love the Red Sox, I couldn't say that enough. Love for the Red Sox is definitely in my blood- a ball was in my hands long before I could run the bases.. and we've all, always been Red Sox fans in my family- i've never known any other way, not that i looked for other options. :) I grew up with a bunch of New England sports know-it-all's too, so I appreciate Boston's history and truly enjoy what they've accomplished in the recent years. And now, the depth of the team after so many disappointing seasons is so endlessly exciting. I love watching every game and seeing the talent and dedication these players show. They end up feeling like family, and we all root them on in life and on the field. I'm as dedicated to them, as they are to the field- I think partly because I'm an athlete myself- and i've missed their presense in my life since college. I need to join a baseball/softball league or something and pronto. I feel a bit lost without sports, I've played them all my life.. I've got restless feet and hands. :)

I have endless appreciation for survivors, and loved ones and friends. New ones and old ones, pen pals and mentors. Its such a wonderful gift I'm given, each time I meet or talk to a survivor. Without knowing any/all/every particular person out there- we all have a certain bond that is unmistakable- and unbreakable. We've all survived the kind of trauma that most can't even fathom, and now we've lived to tell about it. It's so important that we do as well, because there are a lot of women and men out there who didn't live to tell about it- and we're honoring them with the stories we tell and ways we connect and support each other. I can't imagine the horrors that others have felt, and I know there have been plenty of women and men who have fared far worse than I did, and have. I feel fortunate that some of you have shared with me- and I carry your courage with me everyday. I hope I can share some of mine. Anyway, I hope you keep reading. Thanks for sharing!

Center of my Universe

How long will you hold up for me?
Just enough, I'm sure when its all said and done.
No matter what is placed on you
it seems you always pull through.
Even when it feels like you're breathing knives
you never stop, you never cease
you never stumble, you never freeze.

But when will you give up on me?
You never falter, weave or stumble.
You never stop, wheeze or stall.
When I want to give up, close up and hide
You are steadfast in this journey
unswerving in the face of troubled times
firm in purpose, strong in spirit.

You've lead me in the right direction
for so long, even before I knew how to listen.
You've defined me as a person
blessed my character, fueled my desires.
You've given me the life I have
the life I need, the life I strive for.
How long will you continue, without
the same in return?

When is enough, enough for you?
When I forget to hear you
neglect to feel you
decline your instinct?
Loyal and true,
dependable and strong
when does your patience run out?

I feel that you answer me
I feel what you want
I know what I need
but fear pierces my resolve
and I dread the truth.
Is this the last time?
Will you lessen your grip?
I'm wondering now
wondering when
the bottom will fall out
last moments will be spent...

Ugly...

I don't know how many of you out there are Red Sox fans.. but regardless, this weekend was ugly. The likelihood of being swept by the Devil Rays... oh er, I mean "Rays" as they are now called....(which is humorous in and of itself, but first things first) would be a laughable thought at best in the last several years. We've lost to them before- I mean its not impossible considering that they are a team of professional major league baseball players. The team has never been all that good or as much of a competitor in the league though, until now. But it just happened. It makes me cringe. I guess I'm not used to the fact that they are getting better, day by day. The people upstairs at Tampa Bay are finally starting to make some good decisions for the Ray's future. The players coming up from their farm system are looking better and better too. But the Red Sox got swept by the Rays to complete a five game losing streak. In a game where Beckett struck out 13 batters no less! (*career high) It's kinda like I just got kicked in the side. I know they will turn things around, the team has been shifting around a lot due to injuries/illness. I'm never one to use that as an excuse though, especially now considering that they are defending World Series Champions. Even without that, I'm a diehard Boston sports fan with the Red Sox leading in my book at least. I expect the best, and nothing else from them. So does the rest of the league at this point- by all senses of the word all eyes are on them- and how well they'll do in the year following the title. This year means a lot to me considering our 2005 season- and I expect the same winning tradition- leading us back to the World Series.

I was a little surprised that Theo made so few changes to the roster from last season. Our pitching staff is missing some pop, and besides Beckett and Matsuzaka (and Wakefield, but of course he's even a bit unpredictable), there's not a whole lot of "feel-good" feeling for me about our current pitching rotation. Buchholz is looking good, but this is his rookie season. It's hard to know what to expect from him in the year(s) ahead. Otherwise, why do we still have Schilling? I know there are plenty who feel otherwise on that subject.. but I just don't. We need another pitcher we can depend on as a second, third, fourth or fifth starter.

Anyways, to be continued.......

"Ramirez truly a Manny-splendored thing"

Consider this an answer- to all the haters, doubters, the labeling bandwagon, and every other person too ignorant to appreciate his brilliance....


"Nearing 500 homers, slugger remains one of game's true gems"

2007 Mustang Shelby GT 500

Um, I want!!!!!! LoL. This would be on my top 5 of dream cars. I didn't think anything could top the traditional shelby versions from the late 60's.. but this definitely does. Anyways, no matter how unlikely, or well impossible this is at the moment... a girl can dream can't she? :) No one's ever stopped me from doing it :)

Like the 2008 version better?

2008 Mustang Shelby GT 500

Healing

I've been told that healing happens even when you aren't trying. I've been told that affirmations help build faith, from a place of complete devastation. I've been told that reminding myself, that the flashbacks aren't real- and that it isn't happening anymore- will make the flashbacks stop. (at least in that moment) I've been told, that if I'm gentle with myself and patient through the emotional ups and downs...that I'd start feeling a release of anxiety- and I'd feel stronger every day. (even if its at a snails pace) I've been told, that it isn't my fault. I've been told (and I know) that the chances of bringing the abuser to justice are somewhere close to 1 in 16. As a sexual abuse advocate, I know that the chances are actually slimmer than that. I've been told, that if I focus on my health and well-being- that things will eventually turn around for me. I've been told that I'll feel more like myself eventually. I've been told that my intense feelings and outbursts, are normal for a person experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder. I've also been told that I might be bipolar. I've also been told not to force myself to participate in activities and/or events that make me uncomfortable- or trigger flashbacks and relapses of fear/anxiety.

It's a lot harder to convince myself of what I've been told. It's far more difficult to convince myself of what I know to be true in my mind even. My mind tells me one thing, and my body doesn't understand. The body doesn't respond well to intellect- it doesn't obey to demands. I may be intelligent, I may be strong- but my body doesn't always follow what I want it to. I've learned that my body leads me on a path- that I don't always follow. Sometimes I trust my head over my heart, soul and body. Sometimes I don't feel parts of my body at all, and don't realize where tension is coming from. Other times, I have trouble doing simple things that normally wouldn't be a problem, simply because I can't relax those certain muscles that make it possible.

Other times, things are feeling lighter. Days seem brighter now, and I can appreciate the moments of joy that my loved ones bring into my life. I enjoy those moments, and I don't take them for granted. Even if it's just a little sun through all the clouds and thunder storms that could possibly be thown at me, it's worth it to me. I've missed the sun. I know my body will come in due time. There's nothing like surviving traumatic events to force a person to start following their heart- and to shut out some of the thoughts in their head. That's at least how its been for me.

What is healing really? Certain wounds won't ever subside. They just won't be in my conscious thoughts as much...... Is it my heart that has lead me in the direction that I've been going? Is it that conscious decision to follow my gut, my heart- that made the difference of how I feel today? Or is it just the time that has past- which makes me grasp a hold on life, and get my feet back on firm ground? Do I really feel, better than I did before- or just less miserable? I have a lot of these questions flying around in my head everyday-- At first, I wanted to shut the world off and shut myself out of it because everything hurt. My memories haunted me, my body hurt, my pride, my confidence, my faith, my spirit (or what's left of it) it all hurt. My head was constantly spinning, I was constantly crying, screaming or both... I felt like all of the pain didn't need to spread around- I wanted desperately to hold on to it myself and only let it out when I was convinced it would be okay to let it out to someone I trusted. I thought- just because I hurt- doesn't mean anyone else has to on my behalf. At first though, I didn't let most of my feelings out to anyone at all. I lived in this sort of alternate reality, where I didn't know where I was- or how to get back. Even if I could have gotten back, at that point I didn't want to. I didn't want to return to the place where I felt like I was murdered, contaminated, humiliated, abused. Going out into the world, being around other people- I was convinced that people were seeing right through me like I was a ghost- right through me as if I had no skin, no sheild to keep things out. That created fear that kept me in the house- for months. Now, I'm okay with the world's movement around me and in and out of me. I'm okay with my movement (however slow it is) and the emotions I have. I realize that my emotions run through me and out of me like a river- and in all actuality the rest of the world (and the people in it) do(es) as well. I'm okay with being around other people now (in almost all situations)- I know to shut myself off when I need to protect my vulnerability- and to interact freely when I feel up to it. But there's always that pain that's still there- sometimes it bubbles up, other times I can't even connect to it. I long to find other survivors to share my experiences with- and to have them share theirs with me. I long for being able to realize, first hand- how I am not alone. I know I'm not alone.. its just nice to feel that in a tangible sense.

It has been eight months, since my world was torn apart. Since then- my life has been nothing short of a roller-coaster ride. Not like the ones I love, and plan to go on this summer. :) For most of that time- I was too afraid to reach out- because that would mean I'd make myself vulnerable.. and I just didn't trust anyone enough to do that. I didn't even trust myself. It's almost like I was in the fetal position for five or six months... and now I've started to come out of it (again, at a snails pace). Don't get me wrong- it's still scary... the difference is now I want to reach out- and I'm willing to be vulnerable. I realize how much that vulnerability, and willingness means to my progress and healing.

Anyways.. that's enough for now. Thanks for listening- I look forward to any discussion that might come out of this.

Where are you?

What brings you to the point you are at today?

What keeps you going when you run out of steam?

What is it that shows you that enough is enough?

What do you do, to take care of yourself- when faced with trauma?

Where do you go- when you need to get away?

What do you do with your thoughts when no one seems to understand?

Where do you bury those feelings that are too difficult for you to cope with right away?

What gives you positive energy, and even joy?

When you feel vulnerable, and you want to hide from those around you- what do you do?

Are there parts of yourself that you hide from EVERYONE? Do you think it's right to hide those things forever?



These questions have been on my mind. I'd love to hear what you think, and how YOU answer these questions in your life. Everyone finds energy and faith differently- and it is an incredibly valuable resource to be able to learn from someone else. No matter what the pain or trauma is that you may have experienced- there's always someone before you that has experienced the same thing. None of us are "islands," because there's a reason that you're not the only one. We need to learn from our mistakes and take advantage of the knowledge of others.

Invasion of Sanctity

To those who don't have the luxury of a safe place anymore...


3.30.04/4.21.04/5.7.04
There was a time, this house was a haven.
In the corner by the bookshelf,
on my big fluffy reclining chair,
I spent hours concocting
fantasies of rebellious desire.
Mornings in the shower,
or evenings in the bath,
I soaked in salts and songs of tranquility;
they sound quite different
in the light of day.

When the sun scalds and the moon can't
be revealed, behind all the shadows
you've left on my skin.
You, who forever stays like an unspeakable stain,
You just won't let me be; even though you've been liberated.
My desire is rebelling, as my body rejects
the very presence of you, in the essence of me.

The very place, my native land
now steeped in hell, with burning sand.
Where my child was born and died
my flesh deflated and no end in sight.
No sanctity, no trust, no end
all shame.
My flesh is bare, my heart is maimed.
The warmth of its refuge
has turned deadly cold.
My tender self
my heart made of stone.


Author's Comments:
"I wrote this with a very specific event/theme in mind, but readers showed other creative perspectives that I never thought of. I've appreciated all of them and they gave me new insight toward editting and shaping what this poem is today...."

Renewal

Thanks Howie Day (1st line and last)

5.4/ 5.10.04

Out of the doubt that fills my mind
my insecurities are akin of a looking glass,
enlarging the depth of the gash on my heart.
When instead of "I love you"
your lips spit out weighty obligation,
my looking glass shatters and I can't shield myself
from the jagged pieces of glass
that fly wildly toward my exposed heart.
I have to look away, although my insides are aflame with rage.
All I can muster is a stream of tears to douse the blaze,
and rings of smoke surround my eyes as I fall asleep.

I somehow find
tonight in my dreams an arctic chill
that arouses an unwelcome tremor in my spine.
As I look around I realize I am alone, and all I have is a
monologue of all my circulating uncertainties
doomed to freeze in the depths of my mind.
When it just keeps getting colder, I learn to surrender
instead of rubbing my hands together for warmth;
I'll just sit and wait as my body gets numb.

With a start
I awake with shifty eyes, only to realize I feel the silence.
Then I realize the presence of someone, an expert in camouflage.
As my eyes strain to focus and the tepid air feathers at my skin,
I realize that I feel nothing of the scolding fire or frozen tremor;
that burdened all of my imaginings.
Standing before me Love, you are an image of resurrection.
Deep inside, you rouse my vision that
between the conflicting fronts of ambivalent skies
You and I, collide.


Author's Comments:
"Regardless of the turmoil in my life this poem is about the recovery of love, passion, and pleasure. Through everything that I've been through that has been a hope of mine, to always have the ability to find my heart, and feel a release of pain; even if it is temporary and simply to re-energize my healing process. There's a lot more to it than that, if you care to know more, send me some mail. :)"

Mule

(12.27.04)

Please keep me safe-
in the hallways of my mind,
they are winding, they are long
they are ominous.

Please let me sleep
please
be my sanctity
lease
be on life.
This pain every morning
let it fall with
the rain off my shoulders
let it fall...

I'm getting wasted
by the burning
in my stomach, and
in my head.
All the problems of my
yesterdays come up through
the bowels of my chest
centering the tension
I carry everyday as a
mule.
I hope I'm as useful
as a Mule.

Author's Comments:
"This is a meditation of sorts, written during a time I was struggling with Insomnia.. for reasons I explore here. Reading back through my writings I wanted to do something with this one- so bear with me while I'm sure it needs work :)"

Likes and Dislikes

To be positive. Likes:
-The Red Sox
-When the Red Sox win
-Red Sox in the World Series
-HD TV
-Patriots in the Super Bowl
-Hugs
-Kisses
-Cuddles
-other intimate activities :)
-Chocolate ice cream
-Colorful flowers
-Summer dusk
-walking barefoot
-Playing sports
-Being outside
-video games
-Loving everyone in my life (not including those just around me in the world. Just those who I care about in my small space here in the world) including myself... (trying to)
-Making people laugh
-When I win any type of competitive activity.
-Winning money, or tickets, making money.
-Red Cars

Dislikes:
-Irrational fears
-Loquacious ignorant people
-People who shove their religion down others throats
-Doing the dishes
-Migraines
-Repressed emotions, metastasizing bodily tension
-No protection in this thin skin
-Male strangers who call you "honey" or "dear"
-Inconsiderate people
-Passive aggression
-People who "beat around the bush"
-Those who don't stand up for themselves
-Women who feign the "dumb blonde" persona for attention
-Men who think they are "God's gift to the earth"
-Writers Block
-Not caring
-Lack of motivation
-Self-doubt
-Lonliness
-Insecurities

These are in no particular order... Nor is this a complete list. Certainly a good list for what's been on my mind. What is it that brings the balance between the good and bad in life? I've always told myself it was perspective. Perspective can change the outcome of events/occurances in life, good or bad. Sometimes it seems harder to tap into what my perception is exactly. Sometimes I think I understand the way I think, other times it seems there's someone else inside my walls doing the thinking for me. I'm not sure I'm acquainted to this person, I'm not sure I invited them in.....