By Way of the River

(6/18,6/29-30)

Like a river flowing through the forest and the fields,
your love made me change my plans.
As the river helped me find direction,
I always found you walking the same paths.
If I never fell in line with you,
would you still flow the same?
I don't wanna see your reflection, in all the truth that comes my way.
I thought I could just stow my love away, but I find it
staring me down at night, watching me as I sleep.
It's getting hard to stay afloat, with all these worries
weighing down on me.

The steady current always carries me along, but I
still can't remember what it feels like to be strong.
I'll weather your rapids, and push forward through the storms
but I worry that I'll capsize, sending my heart overboard.
Should I catch it, or watch it flow away?
Though I may want to, I can't ask you to stay.
I can't decide what I keep, or when it flows down stream-
but I'll never stop dreaming, somehow- it will find its way back to me.


(Anthony Hamilton deserves to be admired....) NOTE: WRITERS! As I have before, sometimes I put these up unfinished to motivate myself to finish them.. LoL but if you have any suggestions don't feel afraid to speak up! I'm open to it. :)

Rounding the Prey

Free association/write/meditation.
Sometimes when things outside of yourself disturb you it leaves you feeling discouraged and helpless. In those moments, often it's enough just to vocalize it.. and that alone will take some of the power out of it.. helps for us to get things off our chest sometimes...(written 6/18)

These tears will build a trail to get me back home but I know that when I get there I'll still be alone. The world seems so bright but it still burns when I stand, I know that come nighttime I'll be haunted by my dreams. there's a sense of trepidation when I look around me, and I don't see or hear from anyone for miles.

I know that tomorrow I'll be alright, and I know that the next day I will still be just fine. But today seems like an eternity from everywhere else, like no other time exits until I move through. What if there is a time when the wall is too tall and I can't see over it, and I can't break through? What if tomorrow I don't make it to the other side but I'm stuck in yesterday failing to move. What if I get frozen and I just can't break free and I'm left behind for tomorrow and all the days to come?

It's hard for me to let it all go, sometimes I can take it but sometimes I just want to keel over and quit. Sometimes I just can't seem to push myself through when I know that my demons surround me like a shark circling and observing its prey before the attack. I Just want to be happy. Is that so hard? Will I always resort to hovering in order to not fall apart? When is tomorrow when today just won't seem to start?

"There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
And my self I have grown too weary to hate

The more I stay in here
The more it's not so clear
The more I stay in here
The more I disappear
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur..."-NIN "The Line Begins to Blur"

Circling

(Original July '08, revisited/revised 5/18/09)

I’m alright, I’m alright.. it only hurts when I breathe.
Home is a feeling I buried in you…
Now I dig and I crawl, scratch and I fall
just to regain my ability to be, to see, to feel.
My heart wanted me to stall, turn around and call
To return to even beats, to where I felt safe
But I left all that was familiar, when I walked away from you.

Today my chest still tightens, my mind still gets
Caught up, mixed up, confused and derailed
the times that I miss you are desperate and real.
I may have no pillow to rest my head
I have memories instead, my faith in you is dead.
I'm left with your shadows that linger in my dreams,
But I closed my book on loathing, when I walked away from you.

My home is where I make it, I've found the strength to see.
Still at times I doubt myself, but my heart is now at peace.
Although my outlook can be foggy and my energy may be coarse,
my spirit won't forsake me now, I find pure joy in living for me.
At times my scars distract me and my courage can run weak,
But I have the will to face my fears because my faith is in me.
Through the pain I found myself, when I walked away from you.

(in progress)

It's the Woman in You

that arouses me so
it's the spirit inside
that creates what I know
to be at the very center
of what is so beautiful about
the person that you are.

Although the cuts divide you
deep within your heart from
your body and mind; and
I may face these battles with
fear in my eyes, but still I remain...
there's nothing I wouldn't do for you.

If that means standing aside and
letting you struggle through as you may
I will give you the freedom to fight as
you must to be able to regain
the power of an army; the strength
of the woman in you.

I promise to listen closely
to what you need and what you don't. But
each time we work through the stress
I gotta say; all I can see is the way
you handle yourself so patient and free
you stir up the carnal nature in me!

It's the virgo in my heart; I set my goals high.
I may have unrealistic expectations, but
I'd stop at nothing to give you perfection.
I'll slow down the world for you- if it
will bring you some peace, and I'll stand
in the way for you, whenever you need.

Reach In, Reach Out, Keep Talking

Hi Everyone,
I want to thank those of you who have been following this blog for the past year and encouraging this free formed expression I've been creating. It is my hope, and my intention now to turn my attention to contacting other survivors. I would love to help create a safe environment for other survivors to express themselves through art, writing, or any other medium or form that suits them. We all have so much to say, so many emotions that tend to weigh us down- and that's what I'm here for. We all as survivors know how to support each other in ways that no one else could ever do. It starts with each of us. So I hope you'll consider making a submission, and you can rest assured that it will remain anonymous unless you request to be identified. Thank you very much.

While I "have the floor" I'd also like to bring your attention to a most talented friend I made recently while speaking about my experience as a survivor. Marta Sanchez is an accomplished speaker, artist and writer and her work just completely moves me. She is so spiritually alive- so real- and her art work just gives off such a strong essense of who she is and what her experiences have been like. She's willing to share with the world and isn't afraid to dig deeper- and bring things both scary and beautiful to all of our worlds. Marta Sanchez: Artist, Survivor, Scholar, Speaker, Activist, Writer
Also as of late I created a facebook page that carries the feed of all these posts directly on Facebook so you can stay updated that way! Please see the link on the right side of the page. If you have any questions, feel free to email me with the contact info in my profile.

Be well,
Phoenix

I Want

I want a love that will last forever
I want the world that I have yet to discover
I want the joy that I've been working to find
I want to brave the oceans with my heart as my guide
I want to feel it pull me under, love, be the guidance I need.

I want your eyes to wander along the lines of my mind
I want you to know that in me you can always confide
I want my body to be the serenity that you need
I want to be the heaven that you dance with in your dreams
I want you to know...that I'm not going anywhere

I want to speak without pause, and laugh without tears
I want to think without noise, and live without fear
I want to listen without distraction, and share without a fight
I want to imagine beyond limitations, and desire without reprieve
I want to feel without caution, and need without a scene.

I want my heart to break out of it's cage
I want to feel passion, and even feel rage
I want to write my way through the blocks
I want to reach out, and find solace in the risk
I want to love who I am, and let go of the rest.

[Please excuse the state of this poem while it is in Progress/construction. Thank you for your understanding.] :)

The Light Don't Sleep

3/11/09

"We were born with our eyes wide open, so alive with wild hope. Now can you tell me why time after time they drag you down, down in the darkest deep. Fool's in their madness all around, know that the light don't sleep." -Bonnie Raitt "Silver Lining"

I feel the empty place beside me
where you used to stand
a thick fog that's following me
as I walk with my heart in my hands.

I can traverse deep into the darkest forests
and work my way through the thorned paths
never looking back or wondering where i am.
If only I could use the same fearlessness
to bring the life out of the shadows and
the sun to the darkest parts of the forest
where the calls fall on deaf ears
in a distant imagination of, a hint of a
feeling.

Unraveling

One underlying theme here is how my imagination/fantasy, reality and fears can often be closely tied together. Inspired by Bjork

When I see you walk away
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
Even though you haven't left
my stern mind won't rest in turn
when everything around me, is held up
by my yearning.

When I see you walk to me
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
When everything I've held inside
won't hide behind the walls I've learned.
When nothing inside me, is held in
by my discerning.

When I feel this disappear
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
I don't want a thing to change
but I fear that I'll lose everything.
Then my tender heart is scathed
by my suffering.

When I feel this growing
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
I'm like putty in your hands
and I want nothing but to feel.
Where nothing inside me, is dampened
by my reeling.

Then I see you vanish and
my heart unravels like a ball of yarn.
I know I saw something in your eyes
but now this dream is lost in time.
Now I'm left here open and denied
by this heart of mine.

Add Curt Schilling to the list of great ballplayers who don’t know when to quit

THANK GOD this needed to be said. Finally my continued sentiment of Schilling's dispicable tendencies of shooting off his mouth at every single thing that occurs in today's society- both in and outside of baseball. WHO CARES MAN???? Good to know that more people besides me are fed up with his love for the sound of his own voice. He's thrown countless people under the bus, only to recant and desperately try to blame others "misunderstanding" him in the media. I can't stand people who think everyone needs to hear their every opinion on everything. Who made you the grand resource of wisdom? I'm sad for this world if that were ever to be the case.

Have some dignity man.

You, you, you, you and who else? Just you.

Yet another piece/freewrite I forgot about! I've never been the best at dealing with anger, but sometimes bringing every piece of your anger out and just expressing it without hesitation is JUST as good as confronting the person/cause of the anger. Sometimes it just makes it worse to face that person/cause. This, was my attempt to release all of it. Written on August 18-19th of 2008.

Why is it always about you being hurt? You betrayed me, you lied, you ignored me, you forgot to try. I never listened to those who warned, who wondered about your sicknesses- and hated when I cried. I looked to you with pride, with protection, so pure. You looked back with contention, with anger, with piercing words so cruel. Even when you looked away, even when you shunned- even when you lashed out, even when you shut me out. By your side I remained, I promised I’d wait forever. Even when my world fell apart, I still thought of you. Even when my heart was shattered, I still had room for you. Even when you lost your desire, I still had some to spare. Even when you spurred my wishes, my patience remained firm. Even when I told you I was unhappy, all you could think about was you. When I reached to hold you when your world went dark, you shoved me away and turned to another. You lied, you lied- again and again. You repeated and shunned my awareness, and you lied again. I knew in my heart, but neglected to listen. You knew in yours too- but oh the lies did they glisten? Your eyes and your heart were taken from me, but not by another the culprit is you. You look to me now with fear, but my sources have run out. No thief to blame, no words of shame, and this pain is yours- and yours alone. I would pick you up when you were feeling down; look into those dark eyes with the courage to smile. I would lift you up when your spirits went dim, and then I’d have to fight and scramble for a hole to climb in. You hurt and you cried, the world shook your will to survive- but the one that stood by you all along- you pushed to the side. No worries of the pain you caused, no time left for me- your love stalled so long ago- leaving NOTHING for me. You scream and you cry, reach out to my side- you lash out like a spurned lover- abandoned, abused. It was YOU that left not just three weeks ago, but more than a year. It was YOU that left me, ignored me, hung up on me, and walked away. It was YOU that turned cold, when I needed you the most. It was YOU that despised, that criticized and cursed. It was YOU that turned away it was YOU with the knife. It was YOU that took the easy way out; it was YOU that decided your love had run out. It was YOU that decided to keep your feelings inside; it was YOU that left me alone in the night. You step back and realize how much you have lost, but fail to remember the time that you tossed. You cry like a victim, your world is too harsh- but this is the blanket you’ve chosen to cover your eyes. You pull away and deny, but the damage is done- with blood on your hands, you STILL blame the gun. No matter the damage, no matter how hard I cry- you fail to even feel it, while you stumble and whine. You know what you’ve done and feebly attempt to apologize, then turn and blame me for calling out your lies. I trusted my life with you and you could just walk in and slice til you cut me apart, then you turn back just to finish my heart. This time I won’t worry, my attention is with me. I’m shaken, I’m hurt, I’m scared and unsure. You won’t let me forget, although you already left- given chances to be true you took them all down with you, but no longer can you pull me down too. The one thing I take with me isn’t my faith or my pride; you gave me no choice but to leave those behind. You can have them go ahead, take them inside. I leave them with all the mistakes that I’ve made, because I’m no saint and I ACKNOWLEDGED this time after time. But when the day is through and I go to sleep in the night- I know I gave all I had with love as my guide. I praised you, told you, remembered and tried, to bless you with kisses and cards; reminders that I always would give you my heart. Not just when I had enough, everyday by your side- even when I was unhappy and my patience was fried. You made your decision and that is enough, and I know that I will be happy- I know now this is right.

Now is the time, to bring it all home. At once I felt nothing, I saw only what I’ve lost. But I feel that I’m winning, this battle of spirit I’ve had with myself. Divided by pain and held back by my heart. Your fitful betrayal caused our friendship to be frayed, I know I can’t save it and I don’t want things that way. Now is my time to begin at the start, not worry about tomorrow when we are apart. I’ve decided to stand up on my own two feet, and move through the black times to discover the light. Whether you are with me; a friend, or we stay apart- never again will I abandon my heart. This world left me reeling and split open my soul, flushed my spirit & life down an endless black hole. Through death in hell I succumbed to the fire- yet I am reborn and ascending much higher. I wish you the best, to continue this fight- to discover your peace and the strength through defeat. No matter the wound you’ve sliced in to my heart, no piercing words will deceive me to bow to the heat. One day I trust that you could find your heart & know you don’t have to lose it to know that you had it good.

Nine Ghosts of Lennox

This is piece of writing I just found that I put away. This one is from September 22nd, 2008. Definitely coming from a lot of frustration in dealing with social anxiety and other remnant symptoms from my continuing battle with PTSD. inspired/influenced by Annie Lennox and Nine Inch Nails

I’m losing ground, well you know
how this world can beat you down.
The mountain almost swallowed me whole,
yet I still did come around.
But I see too much, I feel too much, I bleed too much
I’m caught up by the Ghosts in my Machine

There is no medicine
For what’s eroding me
There is no way inside
To find what’s consuming me
What is breaking down the center
The very core of me.

Pure love can bind me
Other bright ones can lift me
And inspire me
But there is no one in this world
That can pull out this pain
That just keeps breaking me apart.

There is no set of directions
No self help book on tape
No worries that can change me
But I just keep on hanging here
As sparking, shiny bait
For all to come and take me
Come and break my heart away

Where’s the zipper or the seam
That puts a seal around my chest
Where’s the cord, a door to close
A way to get some rest?

Testing the Waters

"It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my heads full of things that I can't mention...
...I'm not afraid things won't get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer...
...But life gives little relief
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clench my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that I'm not blind." -Good Intentions, Glen Phillips

"I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music
And it breaks my heart..."

When things get tough I don't close my eyes anymore. I remain firm on my path in life and remind myself that there is no reason to panic. Not only have I learned that I have what it takes to keep moving- but I've realized that things tend to work themselves out in the end. I know I will suffer at times, I know I will have doubts- and that is natural. What keeps me going is that I know in the end I will come around, and I will work through whatever challenges I face. Nothing supports faith and builds hope better than a calm and positive outlook and attitude, and an energetic and healthy appetite for happiness.

One of the the things that baffles me the most though, is how you two stay in my mind. Not so much why, because you both played such monumental roles in my life for so long- and we share so many cherished memories. Unfortunately, those memories are now tarnished by an incredibly traumatic end to our relationships....but you haven't left my mind since. As painful and infuriating as that has been to miss you both- all the days and nights I cried, screamed and reeled with the pain you both caused. Nothing can break my heart so extensively ... as those who I have loved the most- and those who loved me the most. I never thought I'd have to see a day without either of you- I still am confused at times as to the reality of this situation. Why did this have to happen? Why did this have to be a part of the journey for me? Why did this have to be the lesson I had to learn, and why with you? Especially one of you- the one I spent years upon years getting to know- years as each other's main confidante. Years upon years, approaching a decade loving each other and being the closest friends that there ever could be. I can't fill in the gaping hole you abandoned in my heart. There's nothing I can do to release that pain- or even to relieve it. It comes and goes in and out of my consciousness- but in one way or another I can never forget that spot you used to reside in my heart, that remains empty and cold. In my mind I can hold it in my hands, roll it around and observe for hours... and never understand why you aren't in it.. even though I know full well, intellectually anyway. Does this make me crazy? All I know is I never loved anyone fully- never with my entire being.. in the way that I loved (and still do love) you. Never did I have 'one foot on the ground' with you, I would have given you the shirt off my back, I would have taken a bullet for you, I would have done anything in this entire world for you.

"...And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love..
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall..
..my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better.."-Fidelity, Regina Spektor

I'm not so sure this particular thing will get better. I only hope the moments of pain will become further in between. That maybe some day I can find some resolution.. some closure. I have some regrets about the way I handled things, but I've had to move on and try to let go of those. Things are in the past and I have to move on. But I can't help but wonder- how is it that I have to move on without you? I don't regret having met you. I don't regret having loved you, I don't regret all the days we spent laughing and loving.. all the memories we've shared. I haven't forgotten all of the things you did to help me, all the things you did to keep me going when I lost my faith and when I was hurt. I will never forget all the things you said- in all of the moments I didn't realize how much I needed you- and even when I didn't need you. You were always there for me. Your love was amazing-- and I grew so much and learned so much from you and our friendship and companionship. I also can't forget how you turned your back on me and so easily betrayed me- after everything we've been through. I can't forget how you walked away and I haven't heard from you since, other than a one-lined email. I wonder if you think of me, I wonder what you hoped would come of this situation. I wonder how you handle all of this, and even if it IS infuriating- I wonder how you are doing......

"I'm caught up in the middle
But I'll take it to the end
It's comin back together
And it's breakin' down again
If I could find a reason
I'd say you were my friend
If I could find a reason
I'd say it once again...
..Bright lights
Come and go
Playin' blues songs on my radio
Shadows still appear
In the house tonight
Ghosts that come in from the past
All those ghosts that keep on comin' back
Slidin' through the walls
And my windows..." Through the Glass Darkly, Annie Lennox

Sometimes you find the answer for closure- in the one place you didn't look. Or, the moment you stop looking altogether. You found me expendible, I thought I could/would never find a better friend than you. I've learned gradually however- there has to be. I guess it had to be taken from me, I had to be betrayed- to know that cruelty and shameful behavior- there has to be better. I deserve better.

It Only Hurts When I Breathe...

"...and I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you.." -Melissa Ethridge

The pain reminds me I'm alive.. the pain grounds me in this journey I'm on. The pain reminds me just how genuine I really am. The pain shows me how to remember where I've come from- focus on where I'm at, and look forward to the future. The pain sometimes scares me with images of trauma, and tortures me with pangs of heartache. Sometimes it kicks me on my ass and shows me I'm insignificant in the grand scheme of things. In this world I am only one of many people struggling with their own personal challenges. In this world it isn't about showing you or anyone up with my strength, but rather being big enough to fight to be happy. There's no need to look around to who to give those positive feelings to, if I am truly happy I know others will be impacted by my energy without my having to force it.

There were so many of my yesterdays that I spent my faith on you. So many days where I invested all of my energy in your happiness. There were days where I grounded my feelings of home.... in you. I buried myself alive in kinship of the heart. I laid myself on the block to die, and gave my life to you- in my desperate longing for security, stability and sense of protection. I desperately grasped for you in a time where I felt I couldn't block out the evils of the world, like they could overcome me at anytime. I saw the world through your eyes and soul because I couldn't find or even feel my own. If home is a feeling and not a place, I thought I could only feel that vicariously through you. I thought that I'd never feel that in me again, unless I was with you. It wasn't until I emerged from the aftermath of betrayal, until my heart was broken that I truly felt my feet touch the ground. Home was so close that I could smell it.. and soon after the feeling and sounds of home followed. Home was inside of me, and I felt that more than I ever had before. I had arrived.

I spent a long time away... I left this feeling behind a long time ago and forgot it was even there. When I rediscovered it I had a hard time harnessing it. Everyday presents itself with more change and personal challenges. There is no way to feel more like myself than to feel at home inside my own walls though. I feel that and I look back on the past as a major turning point- another bend in the river. I have to appreciate the role that you and other people have played in my life, negative or positive because it has contributed to the process of me becoming more and more myself everyday. I take it with the good and the bad. I'd only want the same for others surviving with nothing but sheer will and any small glimpse of hope. For those who are suffering with pain that they cannot relieve, and fear that is suffocating. I feel for you...not out of sympathy, but because I've been there. The struggle isn't over either, but I feel fortunate to be where I am today. So speak up and out.. I'm listening. Home is in you, and even if a storm has blown it to bits, it will rebuild itself and you won't ever lose that. Even if you can't feel it or see it, it just takes a lot of patience and a little bit of faith to get through those times when it feels like all is lost.... you aren't lost. A home can be broken, blown down, robbed; a home can perish. But if you stay with it, stay with your self even when your soul is broken or 'lost,' a home can be rebuilt. A life lost cannot.. hang in there, and stay with you. Until you feel stable enough to rebuild your house- reach out. I'm not the only one looking to support you- but I am one person who is always willing to listen.

Hall of Famer on and off the field

Congratulations Jim Rice, your entrance into the hall has been a long time coming. You have always been a legend on and off the field and I can speak for all of Red Sox Nation when I extend my most heartfelt admiration of your accomplishments. Just a little story to share with all of you that I didn't know about Jim- just another reason why he has been so firmly entrenched in Red Sox fans' fondest memories.

"Rice remembered for big save that came off the Red Sox field"

I Came Across these Memories...

and when I looked closer at some of the writing I found- I realized some of the things I was struggling with a year ago- I still see in my life today. Yet other things have progressed more than I ever thought they could. Either way, its refreshing in a strange way (but also a bit disturbing) to see where I was at the time. I remember all too clearly what it felt like, as if it were only yesterday. The beginning of my struggle with PTSD is still very evident to me, and I'm still suffering with it today. I work through it and I've seen and continue to see much happier days- and I know that someday this will be a much more distant memory. Just helps every now and then to look back at where I've been- and then see where I am now. I am used to being driven, I am used to working through things. I'm not used to having any feeling of reinforcement for it though- I don't expect or ask for it. But in this case it means a lot to me. I thought this might be useful too- for other survivors looking to relate to others' experiences... knowing that amongst many other things- we share a lot of common struggles.

***1/9/08***
I feel like I'm bleeding.. always bleeding without knowing the source or why. I'm always hurting, the trick is being able to ignore it or not. I always feel anxiety, whether or not it shows. The only difference for me is whether I'm able to work through it or whether it overcomes me with fear, tears and anger. I'm very angry and irritable a lot of the time, not knowing when the suffering will end. Feeling incompetent at every turn, without the ability to communicate effectively with others and having fear about engaging in any type of social activity. I don't like to go too far from home anymore- and when I have to all I can think about is going back. If I'm able to fall asleep at night, I wake up a thousand times abruptly and have frequent (and often traumatizing) nightmares. No matter how much sleep I get I always have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I rarely to never feel rested. I feel needy all the time, craving physical contact constantly and I no longer feel safe being alone. Yet I don't like talking to people either, and even with my loved ones I find I can't engage in conversations for too long and I tend to look for ways to escape. Whenever a conversation enters a topic or idea that I'm uncomfortable with, my flight response kicks in immediately and I (quite literally) cannot continue.

Labyrinth
Walking through the path becomes quicksand
as the corners all look the same
and there is no hope around the bend.
With each moment a growing sense of panic sets in
and all I can think about is getting out
but with every step I only go back in.

Wounded
Veteran of a war that never was
carrying a corpse that's still alive.
Bleeding without any signs of injury
flashes of terror battling long after the war
has ended.

Heartbroken
Without reason, without a lost lover.
Grieving without loss of life
searching for the way to heal.
Sleepless nights wishing
this all would end.
__________________________________________

***1/10-1/11/08*** "All I Ask"
I'm not looking for you to save me,
not hoping that you'll make it all go away.
I'm not expecting you to look after me forever,
or sympathize with my "frame of mind."

I'm not saying you should understand,
nor do I want you to comprehend.
I have no desire for you to "take my pain away,"
or attempt to help carry the load.

I'm not asking you to motivate me,
not wishing you would "show me the way."
Without reason for pushing me to make it better,
I know I'll make it, just not today.

I'm not searching for one who will wait forever,
not believing you could "make me see."
I know inside that there are no answers,
just countless doubts and obstacles in front of me.

I'm not waiting for you to speak for me,
or to break down barriers on my behalf.
There's nothing I can say or do,
to make this nightmare disappear.

I know you can sense the grieving,
you hurt and I know that's real.
But I'm glad somehow, that you'll never grasp
how tangible my heartache is.

It's impossible to process what has occurred,
and the havoc its wreaked in my body and soul.
To realize that I'll never return to the way I was before,
I just hope to heal, to love, and to feel.

I'm not inspired to have an epiphany,
for I know in my heart it just won't come.
For once I can't rely on intellect or will,
I have to live this suffering and eventually work through.

Surrendering

When the days turn to weeks
and seasons to years,
the battle scars and wounds
have been counted and felt.
Beyond all reason
or any hope just to grasp,
I struggle to keep going
I’m not as strong as you’d
Think.

When my desire to connect
outweighs my ability to reach out
I find that I err to the side of
Caution
and waive my solitude on
my swelling pale flag.
When my motions turn away
my doubts build a wall.
It turns out I cover up better than most.

Why always searching for something to
Hold?
When people surround me I still feel so
Cold.

The more that I think, the less I know
I’m wondering when I won’t feel so
Alone.

I surrender my face
and surrender my time,
I want to forgive
and I want to move on.
I surrender my cover
and surrender my life,
I’m in the need of
someone to confide.

I don’t want to harbor my heart for all
Time,
I don’t want to always get lost in my
Mind.

Sometimes I carry more weight than I own.

So, I surrender this burden
and surrender my pain.
I surrender my anger
and surrender my pride.
I know that these debts
are not yours,
they are mine.
I need to dig deeper
for the peace locked
Inside.




*special tnx to Candlebox influence

Phoenix Road Books

Phoenix Road Books storefront

Hello everyone, I just wanted to bring my Amazon storefront to your attention. (See link above) I carry a variety of books and occasionally other items. At this time a lot of the books are for general interests while some are geared towards women and some issues of abuse and emotional struggles. As this site develops and possibly takes on a non-profit fundrasing- it may be possible for me to invest in more books geared towards survivors and others suffereing with Post Traumatic stress. If you have interest in this storefront, items for sale, if you would like to DONATE funds, books or other items, or would like to make suggestions, please leave a comment or send an email to me personally at the address in my profile. Thanks again for reading!

When I Look Up I Just Trip Over Things....

Had a little hiatus from writing here...seems I'm still hovering between being in my shell .. using its protective cover.. and throwing myself out there head first- willing to take on the world. Like night and day I change from driven, spirited and excited... to discouraged, angry and scared. Like the seasons I am traveling through straightaways, hairpin turns, high roads and low roads. The only thing I can depend on is that the world will continue to change, and change me with it. That everything inside of me will change, regardless of whether I'm holding on to it or not. Grasping to the familiar I realize only slows the free progression of my life, but it is so hard not to- when its the way I'm built and its the way I've protected myself for so long. I've found it an endless challenge to prevent myself from being guarded all the time- I'm finding it hard to meet people and open up to them because of this struggle. I find myself making excuses in order to not take myself outside of my comfort zone. This manifests itself by my clinging to familiar relationships over making more genuine, valuable and rewarding NEW relationships by taking risks and putting myself out there. It's tough to step outside of myself, when it felt like my walls were the only thing holding me together for so so long. It's all I had to hold on to, and now that I can stand under my own weight- I'm finding it hard to drop the walls. I'm finding it hard to want to. I find that I still carry shame and resentment from being violated. I'm finding it hard to resolve a lot of the repressed anger that developed because of the loss of self and spirit, regardless of whether I'm taking it back again little by little or not. I'm finding it hard to trust that it is worth it to open myself up to the world and the people in it. With the risk of being hurt, violated, misunderstood- it is so much easier to keep my head under the sand. Nobody is going to come and find me though- I realize that. Even if they could- I want.. for once in my life to step out myself, and find that path with my own two feet, and my own two hands working to open doors.

Post traumatic stress only complicates this issue- as I become irritable towards others when I'm hitting my own walls and feeling claustrophobic, angry and discouraged. Truth of the matter is I am only angry at myself, as it is easy to become impatient when I don't understand my emotions at times. I don't always understand the way I act, the images in my mind, the harsh words and tone I use with others without intention.... so on and so forth. I find that horrific thoughts and images still visit my day and night dreams, and often I feel chased and haunted by my own demons. I find that I feel weak in regards to what happened, and worry that if this happened once- completely outside of my power to prevent it, whats to say it won't happen again, or worse? I have a lot of fears. Actually, I have so many that I find it hard to identify and acknowledge them all. I find that I feel and very likely am hindered by emotions that I am not even aware of yet. Therapy since August of 2007 has been like shifting through the rubble of a major earthquake, or a shelled village after a world war. There's survival under so much of the wounds and pain that I've lifted and let go- but there isn't always brightness under every shaded area-- not always uplifting hope under every brick. There's death, desperate gasps for air and screams at every turn too- and I have to balance the light and the dark.. AND stay positive and keep on a positive path in life at the same time. Doesn't always feel like a firm road under my feet- sometimes it feels like a tightrope, collapsing house or a thin layer of ice that I'm walking on. I could either get to the other side so much faster than I ever could have hoped- or I could fall right through and have no idea how to get "back on the horse" again. Reminds me of an Ani Difranco song..where she sings

...'cause when I look down, I just miss all the good stuff. When I look up,
I just trip over things..

Some days I don't want to fight anymore. Some days I look up at the mountainous walls around me and feel like I can conquer anything. Where do you turn when you feel like you need a hand? Do you wonder if anyone out there has a clue what this feels like? I can't say this enough.. whether its here, in therapy, in writing or whatever way you can reach out. Make sure you do somehow...another way to reach out and find resources would be to call a hotline in your area. For other resources, check out this site or this site and I hope you find the help that you need. Feel free to reach out to me at any time for resources or just someone to listen.

Is Love the way you make it?

"When I'm with you are you somewhere else?
Am I gettin through or do you please yourself?
When you wake up will you walk out?
It cant be love if you throw it about...
...I know you think that love is the way to make it....
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it."

(By the way, if someone knows who's responsible for these lyrics I will be very surprised :) ... )

I've always wondered how love can be the source of my greatest faith, yet also the part of life (and of myself) that I fear the most. It's strange how the one thing that inspires so much hope and joy in me and in the world- can also break me in a SECOND. The very part of life that opens people up to the potential and strength of themselves as a person.. as a human, yet also makes you feel so small and vulnerable at the same time. How love can make you feel so alive, so free and full of strength and peace-- but also make you wonder... is it too good to be true? When will I wake up from this dream, when will this person hurt me? How will I cope, and where will I turn?

Riptide

Wonderful world that I've forgotten to see
when did you decide to open for me?
Wild winds are approaching, reckless and free
to find me and guide me, and allow me to be.

When do I know that it's safe for a swim?
What kind of boat have I found myself in?

It won't take a minute, won't take long
if it isn't the wind, the storm will prolong.
Flailing in the rapids to crash on the shore
beached and exhausted, what else is in store?

Riptide and tears, will the world forsake me?
my blood's in the sand, but it's fear that could break me.

When I started alone, I expected the same
I'm rinsing my wounds and there's strength to reclaim.
When hands appear before me, for help to find rest
I feel a stirring inside and a jolt to my chest.

Where did this come from and how can I trust?
Who would approach me in the midst of this mess?

Hand in hand by the horizon, our prints pursue the shore
will the dark clouds follow, because I long for more?
Behind these eyes my passion, it's what I'm living for
Hope will defy reason, and weather fear to reach the core.

The sun and sweat, am I bound to get burned?
For all of the pain endured, is it finally my turn?

Different Kind of Lonely

Painfully lonely.... is a different type of lonely. It's not just, an emptiness. It's not just, needing to make other connections and making new friends. For once in my life, and now more than ever I have to be honest with myself. I have to be .. there for myself for one of the first times in my life... instead of being there for everyone else but me. I have no choice now. Everything that I never imagined could have happened to me-- so far-- has happened this past year. I've survived through some of the most horrific things a woman has to live through. I'm still here. I need to be my own friend- I need to listen to myself in a way that I've always known how to listen.. for someone else. This loneliness isn't just longing to be around other people. To be honest- its really not that at all. I just hurt. What I've been through... hurt. It still hurts today on so many different levels. I can't feel ashamed for that, it is what it is and the more I try to hide it- the more I force myself to be or to act strong... the farther I am from healing. I broke down in tears today.. randomly for one of the first times... in months. It's been so hard for me to get in touch with my feelings, nevermind actually be able.. to really cry like I did.. tonight. It just kind of hit me. My heart came back and i just all of the sudden connected with myself again...and.. I hurt. And I'm realizing that this is okay. I'm human. I'm still moving on, and I've moved on from some really difficult times, and some very difficult things that happened to and around me. My having experienced this overflow of feeling tonight was just a reminder.. I'm in there. I really thought I was gone a year ago. Even four months ago. I'm not gone. I can't pretend that what has happened to me, doesn't still affect me. I can't even pretend, that there's anything I can do- no matter how wonderful, fun, distracting or whatever it may be. I can't do anything to make this go away. It is a part of me, this healing is a part of my journey and very much a part of who I am. And no more do I want to banish any part of me, than I do want to wallow in this pain. I'm not a dweller... I'm not the type of person to sit and just wait as life goes by. I've never been that person. I spent months beating myself up for not being able to move on. For not being able to get up and brush myself off. But truth of the matter is I have. I'm still doing it, and I'm doing better and better everday. I'm stronger today than I ever was, before any of this ever happened. That's a wonderful triumph for me and for me to even be able to say that I accomplished this- is an amazing thing. I am giving myself credit for this which is something I never could do before. I am a survivor. What happened to me, was a horrible, painful nightmare sequence of events that will haunt me for a very long time. But I am a survivor- I didn't let go and I deserve my own support. I didn't give up, I got back up again and I worked through all of the hell. I dealt with things in the way I knew how, and in the way I thought was best for me. A lot of this work has been alone. I needed that for myself. At first I thought I could avoid people because it hurt too much to share what happened. Now I feel like part of that was for me... and I feel that I needed to do this for myself. I needed to learn how to truly care for myself in the way that I really have to... in order to get the most out of life. To heal, and to free my heart means that some day-- my heart will be whole again- will be something I can continue to give.. and I can continue to love in the only way I've ever known how. ... with everything I have.

I've survived, I'm surviving, and I will continue to do that. I have so much hope that i can continue to help other women do the same thing. Hope, is a wonderful thing- and has its own healing power in and of itself. Dealing with heartbreak and betrayal.. that I experienced... has also been a monumental challenge. The pain I still feel from that is very real. I once had a wonderful feeling, a wonderful comfort and love in a relationship- but that relationship went sour. That relationship went downward and then ended in a very traumatic, painful way. If I didn't still hurt from this happening two and a half months ago- I would be a robot. I would be a rock, a completely unfeeling- inhuman thing. I'm not that- I could never fool ANYone else into thinking that's who I am. Myself included- and I'm done lying to myself about it. I do still hurt- and I still do have a lot of feelings to work through. That doesn't mean I don't need anyone. I know I need my friends now more than ever- and I still hope to find new ones and learn to have fun and be myself in this new world that seems to have opened itself up to me. I still have that same hunger for joy, that same hunger to meet new people and have fun in life- to be free and even childlike which I love to do --- and love to experience in my life. I can do that too. I can have both. I've not been derailed by this emotion- and truth is I've learned not to fear it anymore. I'm not afraid of being overwhelmed by my own emotions anymore- and for the first time in my life I can also say that I'm NOT my own worst enemy as I have always been. I am no longer. There's nothing like being completely obliterated... broken... to make me realize how much I need myself. How much I need... me to be in my own corner. I'm there... I have to be... and I want to be. I'm here. I guess in being honest with myself I just wanted to be able to get this out because I'm not ashamed of any of it. I'm also pretty much done hiding from other people too- regardless of who is or isn't reading this. I've held on to so much over this last .. over a year now- and kept so much from so many people. It wasn't my intention to do exactly that but this is what has happened and this is where I am now.

For anyone who actually is reading. Thanks for sticking with me. Thanks for reading through this. If you are- it either means that you've been.. such a wonderful friend and helped me in a way that I could never explain. OR, it means you are a very compassionate person that has been touched- or is standing next to me during this experience I am having. Either way, I don't consider either stance insignificant. I want you to know I thank you.

Love, peace..healing... grounding....I wish you all (and I wish myself) the best. Goodnight... or in my case.. good morning to the deepest insomniac in me. :)

Gleaming yet Fearful

As I stand up gleaming, I've found the air!
Do you see me or hear me?

There are a couple people left as I stand up and re-adjust to my surroundings. I look around and I see a beautiful, wonderful group of people proud and smiling while looking back at me. I see a few new faces too, a few people seeing me for the first time. I feel like I'm a part of that second group, as I am seeing myself for the first time too. I'm feeling some of the things I feel, for the very first time as well. My body and mind, my spirit and soul sense things differently now- and as I take in the world around me it is as if I am in a entirely new place that I've never been before. Some of my days lately, are so filled with joy that I don't know how to function without feeling like I'm going to burst, to yell and scream and bounce like a child.

Some days are very dark though. Some days I feel fear, and I feel alone more than I have ever felt in my entire life. I'm not sure where the bridge is between these places, as long before a year ago- I've always struggled with dark and light. Somehow these don't feel like two parts of me anymore though- it feels more like there are all of these doors that are just waiting for me to open them... but I don't have all the keys yet. So, I'm sitting here with the few keys I have left wondering which door they go in. I've gone through a couple that I found keys for, and I don't know where I'm supposed to go next. Sometimes, I go through one door and it opens up a bright world for me, but when I go to look for the next door I can't find the one I entered through. I just feel lost. I still feel disconnected, and I feel as if I've exhausted sources. This could be my own fear that I am creating for myself, I know that I worry I've burdened my loved ones too much. It's not as if I am trying to make myself believe that I am an island... but I am just so lonely. I'm finding the only hills that are .. very hard for me to climb is the ones that involve socializing. I find that I'm having a hard time finding a way to join in with others, and put myself out there to introduce myself to strangers in a friendly environment. I've passively searched for writing workshops, and other social activities but when it comes to joining up I just make excuses. I feel so free, I feel so.. much better than I did before. I am not invisible, I am not impenetrable. I still feel pain from what happened, AND from all of the days I lost struggling to get back to where I am right now. I still get angry, sad, fearful.. all of that. But difference is I feel like a part of the world now. I feel like a strong, beautiful, capable, giving, loving person. But I still want so badly to protect myself, that I'm finding it hard to... come out of my comfort zone socially.. enough to actually do something new like ... join a group of some kind. I guess life gives me a path to follow sometimes. BUT, what I want to tackle.. what I want to improve on is making my own path. Pushing ahead when there is no map, and following my heart and what I want even if it doesn't exist yet... paving the road if I have to. Would love to hear your thoughts....

Empty Nest

Where do you begin to pick up the pieces
when everything is lost?
Where do you turn to, through all of the damage
when your spirit has been tossed?
What do you cling to, to weather the storm
when the branches that held you, are covered with thorns?

I found a way to cover my head long enough for me to find peace and quiet in a world filled with chaos and pain. I hid my eyes long enough to refocus in this blinding culture filled with indignity and injustice. I look to myself now, instead of around to find the support to remain on firm ground. I stand up with my eyes straight ahead, I don't bow or hide when I face others. I find that its harder now to reach out to others though, I find it much harder to trust I feel nervousness and fear where before it didn't phase me. Instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve, I hold my hands to cover my chest- not fully aware of when its okay to let it out. I'm relearning to connect with others-- when for a year I made it my goal to remain outside of any circles of awareness. It's almost if I'm relearning to speak and walk after having a stroke, or after being in a coma for over a year. Others don't realize how much has changed, or even that I am a completely different person than I was before August 25th, 2007. Some of those weeks prior to that date ended up being the last time I saw many of my friends-- before now.. as I'm attempting to reconnect. Sometimes I look back at this year and feel baffled, wondering what exactly it was I held on to- as it felt I was on a freefall into a black hole that would swallow me whole, never to return. Sometimes I wonder where my faith came from, and how I found it through all of the wreckage inside of me.


"Those thieving birds
Hang strung from an empty nest
This swan plagued pond
Forsaken and under whelmed
Those leaving words
Hang strong from an emptiness
Hang strong from an emptiness
Those thieving birds
Hang strung from an empty nest

This is tearing me apart
If the sun won't shine
Forever will never be fine
Underneath the hollow ground
Lies a night time sky
For only a desperate eye

When I'm paranoid I see walls behind walls behind walls
When I'm over joyed I see falls over falls over falls
When I'm all alone I'll be wary and careful to
Only eat with uncles
Never talk to strangers
God is in the kitchen
Faking baby dangers

Change whatever karma means
For the only things that end never truly begin
If this streets air ain't up to par
I'll take my clothes and take this strange behaviour...

...If this keeps tearing me apart
The walls come down won't stop this empty feeling
For everything apart from this." - Silverchair, "Those Theiving Birds"

When to Say Goodbye...

It's hard to know when to walk away. It's equally as difficult to know when you need to take a person out of your life that has been so very much a part of you. Literally removing this person, can feel like you are ripping out a piece/part of you and throwing it away. It feels so horrible, so violent and harsh- and no matter what your mind understands- it's so ... so hard to convince your or my body. The body just doesn't work that way.

I've come to realize that pain works along the same lines. There are nightmares that will follow me until the last moment I breathe. There are hurtful memories and feelings that will always return and dissipate at a moment's notice- and without warning and without mercy. There are those in life that will turn away from me because of my hardship, and turn away from so many other women out there- as if a blind eye saves them from a disease. Each and everyone of us as survivors of rape and/or abuse will see the day where a person completely insults the very core of what it means to be you, the person that you are, to have survived horrors most will never see, or ever even fathom. There will be a day where each and everyone of us feels completely scorned from the world we live in- because of how little some others care about their mothers, sisters, grandmothers, friends, aunts, girlfriends, wives... mentors- because they don't think they have anything to do with it. There are many days where it feels like my pain is my own, and no one will ever even scratch the surface- considering the little regard a majority of people have for survivors these days. In the less than 1 in 16 monsters that actually are taken to court- the trials seem more focused on humiliating and testing the survivors, rather than interrogating the filthy worthless perpetrators. Did you dress a certain way? Did you consent to sex before with this person, did you say no firmly enough? Did you tease the perpetrator or "act sexy?" Essentially, did you breathe- wake up in the morning and decide to be only the person that you are- sexy, loving, vibrant- woman or man? What is it that brings a limit to continuing, renewing horror? When will it be our turn to seek redemption for all of this pain- to actually receive the same protection under this "law" and this country that every one else does? Even if you never have the opportunity, whether you are a survivor or not- turn on the TV. Pay attention to what you see. Ask yourself the question here (as trials and stories of rape and abuse are extremely prevalent all over TV programs free ranging from ludicrous to partially accurate), which person survived through being raped, and STRIPPED of any sense of security, privacy, heart, spirit that they have? Which person is the SURVIVOR? Then ask yourself- how is this trial geared or who is it geared towards putting on trial?

Every day is a battle between dark and light. Every day I wake up, I can decide to fight, give up, or just do my best. But this pain doesn't own me anymore. I'm wiping, cleaning and disowning the filth, deceit, violence, worthlessness, disgust and heartlessness off of my body. This is not my load to bear. The person who brought me horrors that I never thought possible- this person will receive their day. I won't-- I won't be given anything, the only thing that I get is what I give myself. I won't get my day in court. I won't get my chance to be protected by the excuse for a system of justice otherwise known as law. I won't get a spot to fight back. But I have a chance to live. I have a chance to heal my wounds, I have a chance to hold on to my spirit- and refuse to be robbed of who I am- and what I need. I have a chance to reach out to other survivors who have fared far worse than I have. I have a chance to reconnect with my loved ones who have stayed firm, stood by me loyally and genuinely- regardless of how detached I became. The pain will return. My anger will still overwhelm me at times- and my fears will still follow me. But each and everyday I say goodbye to an inch more of fear. An ounce more of tension. And each day I grasp a hold on to another moment of joy, another smile with a free heart, and another way to say I love you. Another day to wake up and realize I am so, very alive, good and bad, pain and peace. Know that I will always listen and read your responses. Know that I hope to hear from any of you readers out there who have something to offer- because I will listen- and will be with you in this isolation. Survivors can survive together, and it certainly helps to know we aren't alone. Say goodbye a little more everyday to all that ails and weighs you down......

Unfinished mark of the anniversary of change.

One year ago...Death marked the end of fear, beginning of change, extension of strength..
_________________________________________________

Fighting the loneliness everyday
it seems that the mountain's the only way.
Climbing and fighting my life away
bearing the weather to break through again.

I know that tomorrow I'll stand on the top
still inches between me and the way to drop.
Only my will to fend off the dark thoughts
that threaten my balance and ask me to stop.

Although the horizon is warm and bright
I struggle to feel it while alone in the night.
The sun in the morning reminds me to fight
the moon in the evening reveals my true plight.

Fiery passion fuels the trail to descend
the rush of the rivers will guide me to mend.
The force of balance that each boulder lends
brings blessings of silence; the fusion of strength.

____________________________________________

Not my typical style at all... but I guess this coming anniversary is anything but typical...

Sometimes the most cathartic thing in the world...

Is remembering how fortunate you are. I'm trying... each and everyday as the one year anniversary approaches. To celebrate the positive, to celebrate my health, to celebrate where I've come. The negativity will come. I can't prevent the feelings, the hurt, the fear, the likely nightmares. But I am growing back into myself more and more everyday. This was my practice earlier today...

"Nothing compares to the love I've received from my family & friends this year. Nothing compares to the support I've received, from those that love me. I am continuously humbled and touched by the amount of patience, humility, intuition, and concern my friends and loved ones have shown me. Never could I ever expect or dream of better friends.. and I know how incredibly fortunate I am. There are those of you I haven't talked to in a while, and those of you that aren't in touch with me right now for whatever reason. There are those of you that have supported me by giving me the space I needed, and there are those of you that stood by me this year through thick and thin- without hesitation. There's even a few of you that stuck with me night and day through all of the chaos, fury, anger, nightmares- flashbacks and so on. There are those of you that didn't flinch when I couldn't stop crying, never creeped away when I'd lose my temper for no reason, never judged when I didn't want to get up some mornings, or didn't want to leave the house. There are those of you that didn't expect or ask me to smile even though I usually would be, and there are those of you who refused to give up trying to give me moments of joy--even for a couple seconds to ease the ache. There are those of you that didn't flinch or step away when I was irritable and difficult- or just plain old cold. There are those of you who dragged me out of the house when I hid too long, those of you who came just to give me some company--even though I couldn't talk.. or didn't have anything to offer/say. There are those of you that would remember to give me a phone call here and there- just to find out how I was doing- and to remind me that you love me. There are those of you who just hugged or held me when I couldn't tell you what I needed--when I honestly didn't know and felt completely empty.

There's a few of you who were there in the days after 8/25/07 who listened as I told you what happened- and NEVER for a second were disturbed or thrown for a loop. There are those of you who looked me in the eyes when I completely lost it, and those that were stable and calm when I couldn't even stand-- when I really needed you. There are those of you who even held my hand and walked with me when I did some very difficult things. Those of you that stayed with me some nights when I woke up crying, or just going out of my mind.

I want each and every one of you to know just how much I appreciate you. I want you to know that every single day... for the last 365 (almost) days I have felt that your love saved my life. Every single day I knew, every single day I held on to your love and support for my dear life. Each and every one of you gave me a reason to hold on when I wanted to give up. Everyday, even though I didn't tell you-- you gave me a reason to get up in the morning. I didn't tell you what I felt inside and you continued to love and support me anyway. (even when I didn't have the words to show you that I knew-- and appreciated you.) I know I may have hurt some people along the way, I know there are those who didn't really know what was going on with me and I couldn't find it in my heart to tell you. I want to re-connect with each and every one of you, and little by little I know now that I can show you just how much you impact me.

Whether we have not been in touch for a while, regardless of the ups and downs leading up to today. Whether you have been hurt by what I have said and might be upset with me or vice versa.. every single one of you .. I want you to know how much I thank you. Without you I don't know where I'd be and my heart carries you all when the days get dark. I know I have a long road ahead of me-- but I also know how far I've come. You've had so much to do with that, and I feel it's important for me to finally say that. You know who you are, thank you all for helping me realize that I can do this, and I can continue to do this in the days ahead, healing, believing, growing and finding peace and happiness and finding myself again.

Forever I will remember you, and what you have done and shown me. I send my love out to you.....

Yours Truly"

Silver Lining

Why does life have a silver lining? Why are there so many beautiful things in life, that make you feel on top of the world- but then have such potential to absolutely crush you. Why am I so open, and give of my heart so freely- when I've been let down so many times? How can I ever.. prevent bringing this jaded sense of doom into a future relationship?

For the last three years I've given my heart .. to one person. This person gave me such joy- and such companionship unlike anything I have ever felt. We have so many good memories together- regardless of how much we struggled towards the end of our relationship. Towards the beginning, this person was so sure that they wanted to spend their life with me- so sure that it even made me a bit nervous because I coudn't see that far into the future. Eventually, through trials and tribulations- fights and resolutions, I came to the realization that the love we had put me in a place I wanted to bring into the future. The companionship and cooperation we tried to create between us- made me feel so much more capable to face the world. The dark sides of me, the damaged, painful and scary parts of me didn't phase my partner. My partner loved who I was, what I felt, regardless of my baggage. I wanted to settle down for all time, regardless of any fear that it wouldn't work... or that I'd be let down. I made mistakes, I hurt her feelings, I demanded too much, I tried too hard, I pushed too hard, so many things over the three years. I knew that at times I made things harder. Never in all of the things that I had done and hadn't done, out of all the mistakes I made- never did it seem impossible for me to always improve and become a better partner. In all actuality I tried as hard as I could to make it my way of being in the relationship, being a work in progress. I wished for the same thing from my partner, even though I didn't always get it. Regardless of the pain she caused me over the span of our relationship, I had this enduring hope that we'd break through the darkness that we experienced. I had hope that the problems we had individually that interfered with us getting along... I had hope that we'd perservere and become stronger because of it. I put my heart and soul, into the love I had for my partner, and my mind to do the best I could to keep it strong.

Then my love came to bite me. Then my partner stabbed me in the back. Then one of my best friends in the entire world, betrayed me. Two of the most important people in my world, waited until my back was turned to completely throw everything away, including my heart. I gave my all, I gave my heart, only to have it pierced with heartless decisions... the ones I was most vulnerable to, the ones I NEVER imagined would not be a part of my life... they were also the people who completely devastated me. They were the people who decided to throw our trust away, to throw our history away, and to throw our friendship away. Those were the same people who decided that a night of pleasure was worth more than so many years of friendship and more. My heart isn't returnable... even if I wanted it to be, I can't take it back. I can't tell my heart to stop loving. I can't tell it to just forget it... and even if I thought it would be a good idea to try- my heart wouldn't listen. I can't tell it that this person doesn't deserve it anymore, I can't reach out and grab it back because things have changed. No matter how much these two people hurt me and deserted me, I can't stop loving them because they had my heart already. They had my soul, they had my life, I trusted everything with them. They were the people I thought were my soulmates, I thought they were the people most central to life- that they would always bring me joy until the last days I breathe. They were the people who I thought made me so much more of a person, because of how much they impacted me. They sabotaged that, they spit in the face of what I thought we all held so dear, they decided it was- and in turn I was expendable, replaceable, unimportant. This was no mistake, they decided to do this- whether they admit it or not. There's no silver lining to that.

So much has happened in the last year. So much has changed. I've been struggling with things I never imagined could happen. Outside of my friendships and relationships, I've had such a large battle with darkness- that I've only now started to feel like I'm actually winning, or at least putting up an equally as powerful of a fight. Then heartbreak became reality. I don't want to be brought back down in hell-- I perservered for too long to lose it now, I can't go back there. I don't want to give up all of the work I have done, and all of the things I've acheived.. and how far I have come.. because of this. I don't want to be anywhere else for one of the first times in my life, and regardless of the pain I don't want to let this rob me of my hope, and faith which have both recently re-introduced themselves in my life. Where's my silver lining? Where's the time that I get a little nudge in the right direction? Every step I take has been the most difficult, the heaviest of any movement I've ever had. I've been blinded for so much time, I've been lost for far too long. I don't want to abandon myself. I'm scared, confused, strained and tired. I pray for release, every day and night. I pray that I continue this fight and never give up.

Ten Days, until the day I died...

until the day my heart sizzled into nothing
Ten days until the day I fell
into an abyss I could never find or
ever escape from hell inside.

Ten days to the day my life fell apart
and spread my pieces all over a world
that I couldn't penetrate.
Ten days to the day I looked in the mirror
and didn't recognize the person looking back.
The living dead before my eyes;
I feared the person in the reflection
a perfect stranger looking in.

Ten days until the day I lost myself
and the soul inside my skin was
scratching, gasping, crying, clawing
to shed the walls that kept her in.
Ten days until I felt the soul
inside me die; and I was powerless
to revive the life that stuttered to a stop.
Ten days until my heart stopped beating
if for an instant it felt as if
it burst open at the seams.

Ten days until the blood inside my veins
was a river of poison covered knives
slicing every source of air
my body could breathe in.
Ten days until the day my legs gave out
my shoulders bowed, my eyes went black.
Ten days until the day I lost my smile
my skin went pale, and my mind went wild.
Ten days until my muscles tightened
my fingers clenched, my torso bent.
Ten days until I crawled inside myself
vowing never to return.

Ten days until a lifetime passed
when eternity became a year.
I must have missed "God's" intuition
when steeped in hell to perservere.
My only hope was my direction
wavering on my faith in love;
my very essense was depending
on my never giving in.
This small raft on which I'm sailing
has stayed afloat just for a while,
just enough to poke my head
out from under the sea i've been
hiding in.

But can you find me where I'm sailing?
When will I know its safe,
to enter into a world demanding
me to cope with my despair
while knowing he's saved face?

Anger

Anger.


Won't get the best of me.

Bitterness, pettiness, ignorance, senseless claims and rash words are a waste of time. I've wasted enough, and this isn't worth fighting over. There's no fight to have, I've got one way to go, and that's out. Good riddance to negativity, I'm moving through and won't stop at any obstacle. Go ahead, get in my way- I dare you. I won't say I won't ever have doubts, I won't say I will never slip. But I'll be damned before I let myself give up again, giving up on myself isn't an option anymore. I'm moving for love, I'm moving for my life, I'm moving for something better in this world- I deserve better for me.

I've felt all the pain, and I'll feel it again. It will follow me always, but it won't break me again. My pieces may be apart, but all is not lost. I'm working for faith, I'm working for myself- and for a greater future, a greater life ... for ME. I'm in this for myself, its nice to finally be in my own corner. It's about time I believe- in what I can do, and what I have done to get through this life. It's the time now, as it has been before to believe in who I am and what I'm made of. I've worried enough, I've lost enough sleep. Today will bring change, tomorrow will bring more. I'll continue to learn to flex, and stay strong when things get stormy again. I'll know that I can get through anything, nothing can break me again. I will fall, and I will get up again. I will lose energy at times, but re-energize again- and I will fear things but I will face them now as I have nothing to lose. Death will bring the end to this life, but whenever that may be I want to know I've lived as much as I could in the life that I've been blessed with.

I'll kick and I'll scream, I'll get lost in my mind. My heart will get cloudy, my outlook can be blind. But I have to keep moving, clarity won't find me if I continue to run. I'm going to be here, and everywhere else- but I will be ready when my day will come. I've been hurt, I've been abused- but I won't continue it towards me I will tend to my wounds. They won't be the name of me, or cover my face but they are part of me but not all of me just another part to embrace. Being lost is only a part of the plan, there's no way I can lose direction I just need to slow down sometimes. Sometimes the path just changes- and I have to continue to follow where my heart leads me, and listen to the answers it gives me. Even when it hurts.

Back to Pain

I know there are others out there that feel like they can't win. I know you are reading this and thinking that you've been there. How much heartbreak can one person take before they break? How much pain can someone survive through before losing their mind? How does one move on, heal, and feel confident that good times are ahead when everytime they stand up they fall flat on their face again?

It seems I make the same mistakes over and over again. My intentions are good, but the results of parts of me, or parts of my life that I care about just don't seem to work out in the end. I've had a particularly hard year- but its not just this year. I know humans aren't perfect... but I'm starting to wonder about myself. Surviving through rape, and the aftermath was one of the hardest things I've had to do. First it was disgust, feeling that a foreign substance was in my body.. which there was.. but of course even after the physical remnants, its the broken spirit inside of me... the decomposing heart. That's what it felt like for me in the beginning. I was sick all of the time, I couldn't loosen up, I couldn't relax my tense muscles, I didn't let anyone near me. I didn't tell some of my loved ones until months later. I only left the house when I was forced to. Then it moved on to shock, depression, anxiety, nightmares.. a lot of which i'm still experiencing today. I'm not sure if other survivors would agree with me or not (my guess is that you would) but the traumatic experiences I've had after the rape- the pain from that has been much more intense than the actual rape itself. I find that I experience it all over again, in the tension, the headaches, the fluctuating appetite, loss of devotion/direction, and so many other ways.

Losing a loved one, seperating from someone you love is a lot like that. All of the love I carry and carried inside of me feels like knives, like poison, like a sickness that is taking over my body. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't walk around without the feeling that I'm going to pass out, and/or completly sick to my stomach. The shock of being betrayed, the pain from three years spent with the person I love all this anger just tears my insides apart. The pain from losing a dear friend, who is more like family to a deceitful act that cannot be undone. I love my former partner still- but I can no longer look at this person without wanting to die. The pain is overwhelming. It hurts to love someone who has caused you so much pain. The feelings of love put people in the highest forms of themselves- brings out the spirit in us all. The loss of love, is the death of our insides and where we must be born again. How many more lives are left in me? How many blessings and/or gifts are waiting in the wings for me? Are there any? So far I've just lost touch. I'm in an alternate reality that I can't escape. I'm crying out all night and all day, inside my head although no one can hear me. The two parts of this situation are constantly warring in my brain- fighting the love, fighting the hate, fighting the heartbreak, fighting the fear.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I just, I wonder when in my life.. that inspiration won't just be a joke to me. I wonder when I can live without fear of losing everything. I wonder when these nightmares will stop, when this pain will subside, when I can be truly happy. I deserve this.

Yielding the Knife

What do you do when your world is upside down?
Over and over when its turned and shaken
where do you go when you are completely out of place?
How do you begin to move when you've lost your faith?

Why is there pain from which we cannot recover?
We can only live and learn to decide better
this idea works on paper, but in my heart
it just doesn't fit.

How do you mend a wounded heart
when the ones that support you,
are yielding the knife?
Where do you walk, surrounded by
burned bridges, as you're stumbling through
shocked, bruised, lost and used?

I want to return, to where things made sense.
But that isn't my choice, and is no longer my path.
I just want to crawl in a hole and hide.
I've been told I'm strong and so full of life.
But I feel so weak, broken and dead inside.

I just want to live. I want to be happy.
I want to find that it could happen,
that it could stay, not just come and go
I'd settle for content with what I see in front of me,
but reminders are haunting me of what I've lost.

Who do I look for, and how do I trust
when all that I've lived for has fallen apart?


I don't want to lose everything, but it appears that
my everything has lost me.

Pulse

I keep my ears on the pitch of life
when I can't find the key.
The thumping rhythm leads a chorus
directing me to move and sing.
This song has been with me
as long as I've had air to breathe
and filled my heart with joy and passion
to share the spirit kept within.

When it sped up, grew strong and full
when it slowed, grew quiet and glum.
I should have listened.
Instead of looking to the sky,
I should only keep my mind;
bite my tongue and bide my time,
to cut out the noise and listen.

Nothing ever speaks the truth,
like changing notes and timely cues.
The ebb and flow of tone and chords
will teach me timing and teach me tune.
When all in one I can't cry out,
but wait in turn the lyrics will come.
If I open my heart and express my fears,
the world will listen and my
purpose is revealed.

There is no choice but to keep it going
if I choose to sing.
I'll always have the song inside and
If I breathe, it will survive-
because it is in me.
When I find I've lost my sense
I can remember I'll always have
my hand on the pulse, my vigor
my song; it is the only living truth.

Waste of Space

What is it that I have to do
to rid my mind of all thoughts of you?
When will time begin to run
so my body catches up to how far I've come?
Where is the place where things make sense
and the things that matter take precedence?
How can I beat your disease and restart
and remove what remains of your putrid marks?
Why is my body a sacrifice to crime
what law is protecting what is sacred, what is mine?

The truth is harsh, reality a shame
you're a coward condoned, your brutality framed.
It should put you away, but still you are spared
while I work through my life carrying the pain
knowing there is no justice, answers or closure
and I find no hope for change.
Liberation fails me
and I'm quickly pushed aside.
But fury still claims me, and
I'm followed by your grime.

I'm fully aware that I'd end you
if I only had the chance.
It's fortunate that you've stayed away,
as my hands betray reason.
But the thoughts remain alive
as my healing pushes through,
still you remain, in the depths of
my mind, a pile of waste that I
long to throw away.

How fitting it would be, that your
throat would be stifled
when the time that I've survived
passed through breathless nightmares
stabbing memories and lifeless days.
The darkness became me, the disgust
overwhelming. But this feculence is you
and the stench of your presence
is now removed and disposed
as your time has passed.

Revenge is a fool's game, my anger is not.
I speak in full sentences- and I walk with pride.
You represent criminals, you represent filth
you represent prejudice, you represent lies.
Your actions will follow you always
your relevance is maimed.

I know you can hear me,
as police call your bluff.
Consider it a gift, from me to you-
humiliation delivered to your door
now everyone is watching you,
the ball is in your court.
I don't wish to retaliate,
I won't waste my breath
Indecency doesn't own me
but this you'll carry to your death.

You've wasted your life-
and stolen far too much of mine.
Peace is the gift that I now
give to myself- knowing each day is golden
and now you face your crime.
Even though I hate you, and gag with every thought
I'm burning all the memories of you
and returning to my faith.
You will never define me
or ever dampen my strength.
You will never control me
or hurt me ever again.
Justice may defy me, but your actions
will catch up to you in the end
the truth will defile you
and gladly it's out of my hands.


You are gone, good riddance.

Boston is "Title Town." Hello!? Are we just noticing this now? :)

What a wonderful, long time coming/deserved voice of reason. I'm so sick of hearing year after year about the prejudice and racism in the city of Boston- and that being "what its known for." I'm sorry, but in the greatly white supremicist society we live in here in America, I'm so sick of people making Boston a scapegoat. Look at yourselves people... the race of African American people have been abused for centuries. Unfortunately, it hasn't ended either, and there are still wide spread issues and injustices alive and well in all corners of this country, and in all levels of society. Don't give me the "not in this town" crap, don't give me this "I'm not racist" crap. We're all a bit racist, whether we admit it or not- and its up to us to change that and grow for our future generations. We all have skeletons in our closets- it's about time we bring them out- have the courage to acknowledge them, learn from them- and work on healing our wounded nation and its people. I'm not intending to stir the pot here- but I just get so frustrated with people who have such self serving viewpoints that they don't realize their own flaws and fault. Guess it stirred up the pot in me, because I know I'm not the only one who admits my part in this widespread problem, and I'm not the only one willing to work for change.

"...It is a curious contradiction about Boston. The city had a questionable reputation in its eagerness to embrace baseball desegregation, and it was not so long ago that there were still mutterings that the Red Sox might not be the best choice for an African-American player because of Boston's racial climate.

But anyone up on NBA history knows that 44 years ago, the Celtics became the first team in history to start five black men. Red Auerbach did not care about a player's skin color, if he could help him get his victory cigar lit.

And the current Celtics seem enamored enough with their workplace.

"Since day 1," Kevin Garnett said, "Paul (Pierce) told me this is unlike any other city when it comes to sports. You give them a reason, and they will jump on and they will be behind you even when you're losing or even when you're going through tough times. I got to see that."

This is not a bad way to go chasing after championships. There is strength in unity. Not without reason, is it called Red Sox Nation..."


-Mike Lopresti of the Jackson Sun

Surviving. What Does it Mean Anyway?

What does 'surviving' actually mean? (or Survivor for that matter)
Is it the ability to stay alive? Is it understanding nature enough to be able to use one's surroundings to sustain health and energy? Does it entail the ideas of "survival of the fittest?" Is it what humans and other animals have had to do over time and evolution? Is it being able to live on during times of disaster in our country, and in this world we live in? Is it being able to "grant me [oneself] the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference?” Is it facing injustice defiantly, directly and undeterred, and having the determination to stand up for what we (you and/or I) believe in? Or is it something entirely separate from what we have the "tools" or life experience to EVER be prepared for-- but yet persevering all the same.
In my eyes, survival is something that happens when a person experiences something far beyond earth shattering. It's something that happens without will, without support- without knowing others believe in you. It's something that happens when everything joyful that you've ever loved, lost and revived- doesn't make a difference anymore. It's being helpless, lost and unable to soothe the excruciating pain you feel inside. It's knowing that the people you love- have no idea what its like to live on, when you feel that most of you has died. It's continuing to try to continue to heal, even when it seems that there's nothing you can do to take your pain away. It's being able to re-train your mind to think positive, when horrors and flashbacks continue to haunt, defile, humiliate and disown you. It's being able to hold on through the aftershocks of trauma and the fear of facing other people. It's being able to find calm when you can't seem to tell the difference between reality and your nightmares. Its being able to just keep living when you don't know who you are anymore. It's knowing that there is no choice but to keep going- even when it feels as if the world is literally shitting on you. It's being able to focus on yourself and being positive, when others look at you and think/say you are just making excuses. It's being able to remind yourself that certain experiences will cause you to act in ways that you don't like- but being able to affirm your efforts anyway. It's staying firm when your decisions/actions seem completely irrational to others- but still listening to your heart and following the path as it guides you. It's being able to remain on course- even when EVERYONE thinks they have the answer to be able to "fix," or change your situation. It's knowing that you are the only person who knows what is RIGHT FOR YOU...and it's having the initiative to change what isn't healthy in your life. It's being able to solidify your values and priorities; because your hands are full and your body/mind/soul is cluttered. It's acknowledging that you need to try to do just what is most important to your 'moving on' and healing. It's having the humility to accept that other's won't understand what its like to suffer with what you've been through-- so you can grant them patience and compassion for their words and actions. (Regardless of how it may make you feel, or how ignorant they may seem)
Most importantly- it's not giving up, no matter how discouraged you may be. It's the ability to avoid beating yourself up when you fall down and back a couple of steps- even when it felt like you were progressing. It's saving patience for yourself- to get you through those days when you just don't want to fight anymore. It doesn't matter that you want to give up, it doesn't matter that you feel hopeless. It doesn't matter if you worry that you can't continue, because survival doesn't discriminate- and it won't cut you down for the negative thoughts you have. I firmly believe that we have hearts, and soul for a reason- and without thinking everything through- you'll still be lead on the path that you need to choose and follow. Sometimes not making a decision, is the best decision you could make in life. Sometimes, letting life lead you is the best way to find your way out when you are lost. Survival- to me is to be able to bear such weight everyday without giving up entirely and not giving yourself a chance to heal. Healing will happen regardless of what we do in life- the only thing it depends on is staying alive. We're all meant to heal- but we are also mortal, it may never be complete.

I don't mean for this to be some inspirational post. I don't mean to say I do all of these things- or even most of them everyday. I'm so far from perfect that I'm not sure I could push for anymore distance. This is just a meditation to work my way through the confusion of my daily life and all the emotions, worries and thoughts that come with it. I am sure that there are others battling this everyday as well. I hope eventually I can learn from others who are trying to survive- struggling to survive at times. I hope you have the courage to reach out, if anything I'm writing means something to you in regards to your experience.

I'm Not Lost, Just Undiscovered.

Do you ever feel like you could scream at the top of your lungs, and nobody would hear you?

Do you ever feel like, the harder you try to express yourself- the more your feelings and thoughts sound completely incoherent and disordered?

Do you ever feel that your energy, your body language and/or your tone affects others negatively?
There are times, when I see the confusion or disturbed expression on a person's face before I even open my mouth. There are ways, that I put people off without knowing how- or why- or what it is that is causing them to feel/react that way. Even when I do know, what it is that I've done, or what I've said or how I've acted that made them feel that way- I feel powerless to stop it. It feels like even if I know ahead of time I'm feeling a certain way- and I literally think to myself that I need to be careful- or aware of how I'm coming across- it seems that I do the very things, say the very words, and act in all of the ways I was trying to prevent. (or at least adjust) I've always been a strong minded and willed person- and I've never had a problem with saying EXACTLY what I mean and intend to. Lately I just don't feel like I'm in the "driver's seat" and I want so desperately to feel more in control. I feel, that my energy is not what it should be- I know that it isn't. But even when I am feeling lighter- or feeling less hindered I still don't seem to present or put forth this energy- these feelings. It seems- that my person, my energy and spirit has been skewed (sp?) especially from the perspective of the people around me... even with the people who know me best, and love me the most. It seems that I speak in code that is completely seperate from the language that other's can understand...like I'm living in a culture and I don't know the language. Or, possibly a better example would be that I am hard of hearing- but my sign language doesn't translate. Either that- or I've completely forgotten how to sign altogether- but it feels like I'm using the same language- same words that I have all along. Apparently I'm not, apparently my vocabulary has disappeared. (All due respect to those who are hard of hearing- I don't claim to understand their experience of course- but this metaphor was the best I could do to describe where I'm at.) I know- and I've been reminded that all of this is normal for anyone who's been through what I've experienced. But- I guess its just difficult- when I feel like I'm seeing myself from the outside- and not quite experiencing life as .. myself- as the person inside my body. That's difficult. I feel I've been getting better- then relapsing, rehashing- and old bad habits come and overwhelm me again. When is the rollercoaster going to be over? When can I feel alive again? Surviving- isn't very glamorous- it isn't satisfying, gratifying, or comforting. Where are you, today?